Campaigning with his running mate at the Ohio State Fair, George Bush compares reporters at the Quayle press conference to bluefish. "There was a flurry, there was a feeding flurry in the water out there," he says. "Have you ever seen them when they are just squirming all around and feeding in a frenzy. That's exactly what was happening." Quayle, who warns that the US is "naked, absolutely nude to attack" by the Soviets, faces his first hecklers, who chant, "Quayle, Quayle called his mom / Everybody else went to Nam." They also shout "Chicken!" as hundreds of live fowl can be heard squawking nearby.

8/21/88.

"This was a PR outfit that became President and took over the country."

--Former Reagan press aide Leslie Janka, as quoted by Mark Hertsgaard in On Bended Knee: The Press and the Reagan Presidency On Bended Knee: The Press and the Reagan Presidency, a book that convincingly points up the media's inadequacies and is therefore poorly reviewed by said media 8/22/88.

George Bush a.s.sures a Veterans of Foreign Wars convention in Chicago that his running mate is innocent of a series of unmade charges. "He did not go to Canada, he did not burn his draft card," says Bush, "and he d.a.m.n sure d.a.m.n sure didn't burn the American flag! And I am proud to have him at my side!" didn't burn the American flag! And I am proud to have him at my side!"

Meanwhile, Dan Quayle tries to make amends with the Veterans of Foreign Wars. "My National Guard unit was never called up to active duty, but after the last 72 hours no one can say I never faced combat," he says, oblivious to how that statement trivializes their experiences.

8/22/88.

"Don't let him fool you, America. He's about as close to Ronald Reagan in the area of national security as Winnie the Pooh is to Refrigerator Perry in the area of bears."

--George Bush attacking Michael Dukakis in Chicago 8/23/88.

"If the Vice President is saying he'd sign an unconst.i.tutional bill, then in my judgment he's not fit to hold the office."

--Michael Dukakis, trailing in post-GOP convention polls, but confident that this is all he has to say to put an end to that pesky Pledge of Allegiance issue 8/23/88.

Playboy reveals that Paula Parkinson told lawyers seven years ago that Dan Quayle "said he wanted to make love" and "flirted a lot and danced extremely close and suggestively" during that 1980 golf weekend in Florida. Quayle stages a taking- out-the-trash photo op to demonstrate what he thinks of such stories, demanding "some respect and dignity for things I did not do." Meanwhile, James Quayle says his son Dan's main interests in school were "broads and booze." reveals that Paula Parkinson told lawyers seven years ago that Dan Quayle "said he wanted to make love" and "flirted a lot and danced extremely close and suggestively" during that 1980 golf weekend in Florida. Quayle stages a taking- out-the-trash photo op to demonstrate what he thinks of such stories, demanding "some respect and dignity for things I did not do." Meanwhile, James Quayle says his son Dan's main interests in school were "broads and booze."

8/25/88.

"I don't know what his problem is with the Pledge of Allegiance ... His fervent opposition to the pledge is symbolic of an entire att.i.tude best summed up in four little letters: ACLU ... He says here's an exact quote he says, 'I am a card- carrying member of the ACLU.' Well, I am not and I never will be."

--George Bush, uncowed by his opponent's cries of "Unconst.i.tutional!"

8/25/88.

Dan Quayle cites, among his qualifications to be President, his eight years on the Senate Armed Services Committee, where his work with cruise missiles involved "getting them more accurate so that we can have precise precision."

Asked by a farmer about a local pork issue, Quayle says, "Whatever you guys want, I'm for," explaining that he knows "quite a bit about farm policies" because "I come from Indiana, a farm state." And what, then, is his message to farmers? "My message?" says Quayle, looking confused. He smiles and says nothing.

8/25/88.

Sen. Steve Symms (R-ID) claims to have heard that there are photographs of Kitty Dukakis "burning the American flag" in the '60s, though he, of course, has not actually seen them.

8/26/88.

Though the release of school records is a normal requirement for any number of positions, Dan Quayle seeking to place himself a chicken bone away from the presidency refuses to divulge his. He concedes that his resume contains an inflated description of his job with the Indiana attorney general's office, though the error is blamed, oddly enough, on his staff.

8/27/88.

"Although in public I refer to him as Mr. Vice President, in private I call him George. When he called, when I talked to him on the phone yesterday, I called him George rather than Mr. Vice President. But in public, it's Mr. Vice President because that's who he is."

--Dan Quayle explaining the "intrapersonal" relationship he has developed with George Bush 8/27/88.

"I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in our platform, is to talk about it."

--Dan Quayle on the valued family 8/28/88.

Asked what qualifications he would bring to the role of anti-drug czar, should he be so a.s.signed, Dan Quayle claims to be familiar with the National Narcotics Border Interdiction System "in a general sense." He is asked who runs it. "Who is the head of it? I don't know who the head of it is," says Quayle. The answer? George Bush.

8/29/88.

Michael Dukakis serenely embarks on a two-day tour of his home state, as if his wresting of the "Wimp" label away from George Bush hasn't just cost him 15-20 points in the polls.

8/30/88.

Dan Quayle addresses a convention of fire chiefs, where he holds a fireman's hat over his head for cameras, but doesn't actually put it on, lest he disturb his coiffure.

8/31/88.

Sen. Orrin Hatch calls the Democrats "the party of h.o.m.os.e.xuals," then denies he said it. A radio station produces the comment on tape.

8/31/88.

At a Lake Erie campaign stop, George Bush declares, "I am an environmentalist," a statement Michael Dukakis finds so patently absurd that he sees no need to make sure the voters understand how truly Orwellian it is.

SEPTEMBER 1988.

9/1/88.

George Bush arrives in Boston for a ferry ride in what he calls "the dirtiest harbor in America" a devastating invasion of their home turf that Dukakis aides have known about for days yet failed to combat. A local poll shows that the governor of Ma.s.sachusetts has blown a 14-point lead in his home state.

9/2/88.

"Eeek! Eeek! Eeek!"

--George Bush being nipped repeatedly as he empties traps aboard a Delaware crab boat, after which he claims the Democrats remind him of "what I brought out of that river blue crabs."

9/2/88.

"There's two men running for President ... Michael Dukakis [is] a liberal, and he doesn't want to admit it ... George Bush [is] a pure opportunist, who's pretending he's an arch- conservative ... They're the Duke and the Dauphin, the two characters in Huckleberry Finn Huckleberry Finn ... These are guys who are charlatans. Neither one of them is telling the truth." ... These are guys who are charlatans. Neither one of them is telling the truth."

--Political a.n.a.lyst Christopher Matthews 9/4/88.

"Perestroika is nothing more than refined Stalinism."

--Dan Quayle displaying his unrefined comprehension of the Soviet political system 9/5/88.

Tammy Faye Bakker describes her last night in her PTL mansion before being evicted by Jerry Falwell. "As I lay on the floor in the dark, empty room," she says, "Tuppins, my puppy, licked at the tears running down my face. 'Oh, Tuppins,' I sobbed. 'Why has G.o.d forsaken me?'"

9/7/88.

"Today, you remember I wonder how many Americans remember today is Pearl Harbor Day. Forty-seven years ago to this very day we were hit and hit hard at Pearl Harbor ... Did I say September 7th? Sorry about that. December 7th, 1941."

--George Bush, who twice called Memorial Day "Veteran's Day," promising voters a very special kind of continuity 9/8/88.

"I could have been an atheist. I could have been a polygamist. I could have been anything else and questions wouldn't have been asked."

--Bush campaign worker Jerome Brentar, fired when his oft-voiced doubts about the existence of the Holocaust come to light 9/8/88.

The two campaigns reach an agreement on debates: there will be two (Dukakis wanted three or four), the first will be September 25th (Dukakis wanted September 14th), the last will be October 13th or 14th (Dukakis wanted the end of October) and both will be general in subject matter (Dukakis wanted the first devoted solely to foreign policy). Says Dukakis campaign chairman Paul Brountas of the pact, "I'm pleased with it."

9/8/88.

Dan Quayle declares that Republicans "understand the importance of bondage between parent and child," though, of course, he means "bonding."

9/8/88.

Dan Quayle's toothy, retro-coiffed wife Marilyn observes six times in the course of a single plane ride that she's "not getting paid" for serving as her husband's chief adviser. "Well, I'm working, but I'm still not getting paid," she says. "I'm still a lawyer, I'm just not paid." "I have no different role for Dan than his administrative a.s.sistant. It's just I don't get paid." Etc. She also defends her spouse's much-maligned intellect, claiming that he "really is the studious sort" who "tries to read Plato's Republic Republic every year" (though she does not reveal if he has ever succeeded), and points out that "Franklin Roosevelt was a lousy student. He failed the bar exam seven times." In fact, FDR took the test every year" (though she does not reveal if he has ever succeeded), and points out that "Franklin Roosevelt was a lousy student. He failed the bar exam seven times." In fact, FDR took the test once once, as a second-year law student, and pa.s.sed.

9/9/88.

Surrendering to Republican pressure, Speaker Jim Wright announces that the Pledge of Allegiance will be recited in the House twice a week.

9/9/88.

Addressing a sweaty, T-shirted audience at an Ohio steel plant, a suit-clad Dan Quayle declares, "I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time." He claims to have defended steel quotas in a face-to-face encounter with President Reagan, looking him "right across the eyes." Says one worker of Quayle's appeal, "It's a long way off yet." And, as for a report that his college grades were so low that his entry into law school was dependent on a special "equal opportunity" program primarily intended to increase minority admissions, Quayle says, "I got into law school fair and square. Nothing improper was done and no rules were broken."

9/11/88.

Bush campaign aide Fred Malek resigns after the resurfacing of a previously reported revelation that, in 1971, he followed President Nixon's orders and compiled a list of Jews at a government bureau. The next day, six more Bush campaign advisers quit amid charges of anti-Semitism.

9/13/88.

Touring the General Dynamics plant in Michigan, Michael Dukakis puts on an enormous green helmet and rides around in the turret of an M-1 Battle Tank, evoking unpresidential media comparisons to Snoopy and Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Explains an aide, "He said he wanted to hear what the other guys in the tank were saying. Fine. But he looked like an idiot."

9/13/88.

"Want to hear a sad story about the Dukakis campaign? The governor of Ma.s.sachusetts, he lost his top naval adviser last week. The rubber duck drowned in his bathtub."

--Dan Quayle campaigning in Milwaukee 9/14/88.

"Back under the previous Administration, things were rough in the flag business ... Well, since we began restoring pride in the United States of America, business has been booming. Flag sales have taken off."

--George Bush campaigning in Orange County 9/14/88.

Landslide: The Unmaking of the President: 1984-88 by White House correspondents Jane Mayer and Doyle McMa.n.u.s, reveals that Reagan was so detached during the Iran-contra scandal that aides signed his initials to doc.u.ments without his knowledge. Says an aide to Howard Baker of Reagan's underlings, "They told stories about how inattentive and inept the President was ... They said he wouldn't come to work all he wanted to do was to watch movies and television at the residence." by White House correspondents Jane Mayer and Doyle McMa.n.u.s, reveals that Reagan was so detached during the Iran-contra scandal that aides signed his initials to doc.u.ments without his knowledge. Says an aide to Howard Baker of Reagan's underlings, "They told stories about how inattentive and inept the President was ... They said he wouldn't come to work all he wanted to do was to watch movies and television at the residence."

9/15/88.

Howard Baker confirms that when he became chief of staff, there was some concern about the President's ability to remain in office. But, he says, he instantly found Reagan to be "the most presidential man I've ever known," and that was that. Says the President of the Landslide Landslide report, "No truth at all." In other words, fiction. report, "No truth at all." In other words, fiction.

9/15/88.

Asked about the Holocaust during a rare news conference, Dan Quayle calls it "an obscene period in our nation's history." Reminded that the Holocaust did not take place in America, he explains that "in this century's history" is what he meant to say. "We all lived in this century," he says, adding cryptically, "I didn't live in this century."

9/16/88.

Defending his campaign against charges of ethnic prejudice, George Bush says, "I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism." He goes on to misquote, of all things, the Pledge of Allegiance: "And to the liberty for which it stands, one nation under G.o.d with freedom and justice for all."

Meanwhile, Dan Quayle repeatedly calls Belgian endive "Belgium endive."

9/20/88.

Visiting a Newark, New Jersey flag factory, George Bush burbles, "I've never been to a flag factory!" This prompts all three network newscasts to run "Enough with the flag, already" stories, leading a Bush aide to admit, "We took it exactly one day too far."

9/21/88.

"Go back and tell George Bush to start talking about the issues."

--Barry Goldwater stunning Dan Quayle at an Arizona campaign stop 9/23/88.

Michael Deaver gets three years in prison (suspended), 1,500 hours of community service, and a $100,000 fine. "It was a very fair sentence," he says, "if I had been guilty."

9/25/88.

Marilyn Quayle and her parents are reported to be followers of Col. Robert B. Thieme Jr., a far-far-rightwing preacher who has been known to wear his Air Force uniform in the pulpit. His specialty is Armageddon.

9/25/88.

At their first debate in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, Michael Dukakis attempts to soften his "Zorba the Clerk" image by emotionlessly declaring, "I care deeply about people, all people," and finds himself laughed at when he says he's "very tough on violent crime." Bush complains about the cocaine scene in Crocodile Dundee Crocodile Dundee and refers to a drug addict as "a narcotics-wrapped-up guy." and refers to a drug addict as "a narcotics-wrapped-up guy."

Columnist Mary McGrory sums it up: "The debate sharpened the choice ... a man who can't express his thoughts or a man who can't express his feelings."

9/28/88.

Country singers Loretta Lynn, Crystal Gayle and Peggy Sue travel on George Bush's bus tour across central Illinois. "He's country and I love him," Lynn tells a crowd. "George Bush. Phew!" And just how much does she dislike Michael Dukakis? "Why, I can't even p.r.o.nounce his name!"

9/28/88.

"Don't forget the importance of the family. It begins with the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition of the family. A child. A mother. A father. There are other arrangements of the family, but that is a family and family values."

--Dan Quayle returning to a favorite topic 9/29/88.

The n.o.bel Peace Prize, which the First Lady was known to covet as the perfect going-away present for her husband, goes to the UN Peace-keeping Forces. Says one former Reagan aide, "They had very, very high hopes. Nancy must be wearing black."

9/30/88.

Mike Tyson sits calmly beside wife Robin Givens as she tells Barbara Walters that he's a violent manic depressive and life with him is "torture ... pure h.e.l.l ... worse than anything I could possibly imagine." Two days later police are called to their New Jersey estate after the champion begins throwing large objects through the windows. Givens files for divorce within days.

9/30/88.

Delivering his standard speech in Texas, Michael Dukakis suddenly refers to his father as "my daddy."