"I know you said you never went to a therapist...well except for "Jack Daniels" but you need to fire him and see a real therapist."

"I would never do that."

"I could go with you. I can take you to my therapist. You really need to talk to someone to help you work through your feelings otherwise the guilt is going to eat you up."

"I didn't know you had a therapist. Why would you need one? You are perfect."

"Ha, you are so cute, Jesse. Listen, do it for me. Will you do it for us? I think your mom was doing the best she could. I'm sure she was proud of you for accomplice so much with your racing."

"Maybe, I don't know."

"This is something a counselor can help you understand. Please, say you will try it."

"Okay then, I'll give it a shot, but I don't think it's going to work."

I looked back down at the picture of his mother again hoping I could meet her someday. I probed at the album page, pressing with my finger. It felt thick.

"What's this?"

He leaned over for a closer look. "I'm not sure."

"It feels like there's something behind the picture, like a paper."

"Let me see." Jesse took the album from my hands and pulled a folded yellow paper from behind the picture of his mother. "It's a letter."

He unfolded the dry stiff paper to read. I could see cursive letters written across the width of the page and all the way down, to fill the front side, but the angle at which I was sitting didn't allow me to read the words.

"A letter?" I could barely contain myself, curiosity was jumping in my veins.

His face dropped as his eyes scanned over the black ink.

"It's a love letter." His voice was low and flat.

"How sweet. From your dad to your mom?" He looked up from the page, his eyes met mine.

"No. From my mom to my Uncle Kenny."

My eyes widened but I didn't want my expression to be taken as judgment.

"Apparently my uncle and my mom were in love with each other at one time."

He dropped his hand to his lap still holding the letter and stared off into the corner of the room, as the realization sank in. He blew out a short breath and pushed his hand through his hair, shaking his head. "Wow. That's fucked up. I can't believe my mom and my uncle...I mean, what does this mean? Fucking Jesus was my uncle banging my mom? Right there in our house? His own dead brother's wife? What a prick! He was taking advantage of her. I thought he came to help after my dad died, bringing us groceries and paying the damn electric bill....asshole! I thought he was a good guy and now....What the fuuuck!"

His agitation was causing his voice to rise in pitch and the words were coming faster. I reached over and put an arm around his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Jesse. But you don't know, maybe it was a secret love, you know, they had feelings for each other but they didn't act on it."

He stood up and paced back and forth unable to contain his anger, it spewed out all over the room as he raged on. "What an asshole, what a pervert. We were kids, Jimmy and I, just kids. We looked up to him, we trusted him....I , I loved him. He took care of us, he taught Jimmy and I things we needed, things boys needed. Fuck, I have to talk to him, confront him. That's what I have to do. This fucker has some explaining to do. I have to know the Goddamn truth, even if it kills me."

He waved the letter up in the air as he spoke. I could see the hurt and confusion burning in his eyes. Everyone wants to hold their parents to a higher standard, like they are not capable of being real people, like they are gods, somehow devoid of human vices. We have all done that as a coping mechanism, we idealized our parents in our mind to make life more acceptable.

Jesse folded the letter and shoved it in his jeans pocket. I closed the album and placed it back on the bookshelf. The tension in the room was pushing me out the door.

"Alright. You need to talk to your uncle so I will get out of your hair but let's talk about this more later. You should take some time to process the information. It's a lot to take in one day. It's a lot for anyone. Come over to my place after work and we will have a long talk. It will help to vent and get this out of your head." I stood in front of him searching his face with my eyes, feeling his hurt. He placed his hands on my shoulders and took a deep breath.

"Okay Niki. I'm sorry I'm getting so upset about this. You are the greatest." His voice slowed down to a normal pitch. "I will come over later. Thanks baby."

He took my face in his hands and kissed me soft and sweet, a sign that things were good with us and that we could move forward in our relationship despite the latest bomb that was just dropped. He walked me out to my car and pushed a strand of hair out of my face, as I stood with my hand on the door handle. He kissed me again and sent me on my way. My heart was torn in two directions. I was elated, happy, floating on air and yet worried, all too familiar with Jesse's coping mechanisms, about how he would handle this.

Chapter Twenty-Two.

Jesse "Where the hell is he?" I threw open the door and stormed into the bar, the betrayal letter burning a hole in my pocket.

Chase looked up while he was wiping the black bar top with a white rag, in large sweeping strokes from side to side.

"Who's that?"

"My uncle. Fucking Kenny."

"Whoa dude. You sound pissed."

"Just tell me where the hell he is."

"I haven't seen him for hours. He came in, said he had a doctor's appointment and hasn't been back. Have you tried calling him?"

"Shit, he's not answering. It goes straight to his voicemail." I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand. Tension was pulling at every muscle in my body. Where the fuck was he?

"I hope you are here to work, there's a shit load that needs to be done. The set ups need to be refilled, glasses need washing. I could use the help, man." He gave me a strained look, wiping his hands on the rag. "I know he's your uncle and all, and I don't mean to be disrespectful, but it's getting ridiculous how much time he's missing from work. I try to cover it, man, but seriously, something's gotta give. I'm stretched to my limit here." He threw the rag down and walked away to the other end of the bar. My uncle was doing a good job of turning everyone against him, including me and now he was pissing off his employees. I had to find him, this shit couldn't wait.

"Sorry, dude. I have to go find him and find out what's going on. You're right, this shit sucks. I'm going to get to the bottom of it. I'll help when I get back, I promise, Chase." He didn't even turn around, just kept washing glasses behind the bar. I walked towards the door and yelled back, "I won't let you down, Chase, just hang in there for a couple more hours and I'll be back."

I flew out the door, and pounded my way to my truck. I screeched out of the parking lot, my big wheels jumping the curb as I drove like as fast as my truck would give. I was on a mission to find Kenny and get to the bottom of this. Something was fucking rotten in Denmark and I had to know what it was--right now. I didn't know the name of any doctor he used. Guys don't talk about stuff like that, but I figured I could go back to the house and search for a clue. He had a habit of opening his mail and throwing it in a pile on a desk under the house phone. There might be a bill or some paperwork laying around with the clinic's name on it. What the fuck was all this about? And the love letter. I still had the fucking letter to deal with.

I slammed my truck into park in the driveway and flew into the house oblivious to everything around me. My mind was sifting through thoughts, possibilities of where I could find a clue. I checked my cell phone again. Nothing.

I came down the hallway, my eyes still glued to the screen on my phone and there he was, sitting on the couch bent forward with his head in his hands. What the fuck? Was he crying? Did someone die? I stood frozen in place at the edge of the family room holding the stupid phone like it held the answers.

"Uncle Kenny. Are you okay? Feeling sick again?" I asked momentarily thrown off balance.

He straightened up, looking at me, with tired watery eyes. "No, no. I'm fine. Just thinking. Going over work schedules in my mind. Come in and sit down." He motioned with his hand for me to sit.

"I talked to Chase and he said you went to a doctor's appointment this morning but didn't come back. What's going on, man?"

"Nothing. I just got a little tired and must have fallen asleep here on the couch. I woke up when you came in. I'm just a little groggy from sleeping that's all. I was about to go back to the bar. What's going on? Did you want to see me?"

"As a matter of fact, I do have something I need to talk to you about."

I pulled the letter from my jeans' pocket and threw it on the glass topped coffee table. All kinds of ugly thoughts reared up in my mind. Kenny was my hero. Was it possible? Feelings of betrayal threatened to sting me like a cobra, but I had to know the truth.

"I found this in that old green photo album on the shelf in my room. It was stuck behind a picture of my mom."

The crumpled yellow letter lay on the smoky grey colored glass, as out of place there on the table among Kenny's familiar objects as the obvious awkwardness in the room. "Oh shit, I thought I got rid of all of those." Kenny rubbed the back of his neck and winced. "I guess you read it then." he said.

"Yea, what the fuck Kenny, what the hell were you thinking? I mean, God dammit, is it true? Did the two of you...hook up? You would have to be a fucking snake to do something that low." I spat the words. Angry and hurt feelings burned like acid in my stomach. With every fiber of my being, I hoped that somehow I was wrong.

"Jesse, calm down, listen." Kenny began and exhaled a big breath. "Years ago, before you were born, when we were all in high school, we were friends, me, your dad and your mom, all three of us. That's how it started; we were all just best friends. We went to the movies and high school football games. We went on trips together to the lake. Everything was great, it was fun, right up until that fucked up day."

"What fucked up day?"

"When your mom told me she was pregnant. I knew it wasn't me because...well, we were just friends. She told me it was your dad's. Your grandma was furious. She said they had to get married, so they did, and shortly after, Jimmy was born. You can imagine what that did to us. We were all still teenagers. Life became serious, too serious for your dad. He ruined everything. He couldn't handle it, the baby, and the responsibility. He started drinking all the time, flirted with other girls and your mom became secluded and withdrawn. It continued all the way until your dad died.

Your mom broke down. She was in no shape to handle two boys all by herself so she asked me if I would help and be there for you and Jimmy...so I did. That's why I came. I came for you and Jimmy and your mom of course. I owed it to her, I mean she was still my best friend."

"So when did she write this letter?"

"Sometime after I left you guys. We were getting too close and I couldn't do that to the memory of my dead brother. I tried explaining it to your mother, but she wouldn't listen. She sent me many letters, but Jesse trust me, nothing ever happened."

"But there is one thing I don't get. If nothing ever happened and if you didn't have any feelings for her, why did you keep this letter?"

"I forgot it was there. I thought I had disposed of them all away." Kenny threw his hands in the air.

I wasn't sure how to handle this news. It had changed how I thought of my mother. To me she was a saint, devoid of any human vulnerability but now I realized that maybe I had held her at an unrealistic status, she was only human.

A crap load of shit had been dropped on me since this morning. Hell, I was packing to go back to New York and now...fuck. I leaned forward and put my head in my hands.

The trill of Kenny's phone broke the silence. He placed the phone to his ear like it was made of brittle glass. The puff of air from his movement blew the crumpled paper and it fell to the floor.

"Hello. Yes, this is he. I see. Yes. Yes. I understand. Will my health insurance cover that? Okay. Thank you."

He ended the call and I slowly looked up from my hands. Kenny's face was white. He suddenly looked tired and spent. He let out a long breath and carefully set the phone back on the table. He looked so terrible in that one moment and I felt something pull at my heart. How could I be mad at him when he looked so pathetic?

"Kenny? Who was that on the phone? And don't say nobody. You look like you just got kicked in the balls by a horse. Now tell me. What's going on?"

He sat silently, staring, then leaned back against the couch, tilting his head. He spoke slowly and very deliberately, letting the words float out into the ethers of the room. They were like black ghosts, filling the room with darkness.

"That was my doctor. I have cancer."

What the fuck - I shrunk in my seat. Words wouldn't come to my mouth. The only word that formed in my mind was, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK! FUCK!!!

First dad, then my mom and now my uncle? How much more fucking pain is life gonna deal me? My goddamn mouth felt dry and my throat closed up. It felt like a large hand was wrapped around my neck, choking the shit out of me. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to avert the urge to throw anything and everything within my reach, to bust up something really bad. I forced myself to keep it in control. It wouldn't do any good to act a fool in front of Kenny. Questions burned in my mind, but I couldn't bring myself to ask so I just said the next most stupid thing.

"What kind of cancer?"

"Leukemia. It's a cancer of the blood. He signed a long breath. "I wasn't going to tell you, or anyone yet. But I can't do this alone. It kills me to have to be weak, to need someone else's help but ..."

"I don't know what Leukemia is, or what it looks like when someone has it, but what can I do to help? Do you want me to take over at the bar while you get better? I mean, what kind of treatment will you need?"

"I need a transplant."

"Like a lung, or kidney, or what? I could do that, give you one of mine. If it's a kidney you need, well mine might be kind of pickled from all the booze but..."

"It's not like that, Jesse. I need a bone marrow transplant. I need someone who is a perfect match, or else my body will reject it. My own immune system will think it's invading my body as a threat to my system and my body will kill it."

"Oh Jesus, Kenny. " I ran my hand through my hair, trying to come up with a strategy. "That's no big deal. We can try to find a match. Maybe someone will match."

"I'm sorry Jesse, that's very noble of you, but the doctor said most of the time a perfect match is from a person's children and I never had kids."

"What about a close relative?"

"Like a brother? I only had one brother, your father, and he's dead, remember?"

"What about a nephew, like me or Jimmy? How do we find out if we are a match? What do we have to do, cause I'll do anything."

"Maybe, but doubtful. I already asked the doctor. Nephews are not a great possibility, only a thirty percent chance of being a match. Don't get your hopes up Jesse."

I was afraid to ask the question the next question. "And if you don't find a match..."

"Well, if I don't find a match, then it's all over, my life is done."

"What about taking medicine, like pills of some kind, or radiation, or chemotherapy." Oh God that would be awful, from what I've heard about that stuff.

"None of that will save my life, there's nothing, only a bone marrow transplant."

"I've gotta try then, see if I'm a match. What do I do?"

"You go give a sample of your DNA."

"Oh shit, how the hell are they going to get that? That sounds kind of scary."

"No, it's not." He laughed a weak little laugh. "I believe they take a swab of the inside of your mouth with one of those big, giant sized cotton swabs. I think you'll survive."

It was a relief to laugh a little. Despite my initial shock, I was now ready to fight for my uncle. I wasn't a fucking quitter.

"I'll do it. Tell me when and where. I'm your man and if it helps, I'll get Niki to do it, and Chase, and Kat and all my friends I can think of. There just might be a match among one of them, you never know."

"I can't thank you enough but it's still going to be a long road ahead of me and I hate to ask you for even more than you've already done for me, but I don't have anyone else in my life. I'm going to need your help at the bar and if I don't get a perfect donor match, well...." He took a deep breath.

"Don't even go there. Don't even think that way. Set up the test with the hospital and let me know the time and place. I'll be here."