BE this as 'twill, the conscientious Anne Would nothing venture to regale her man; Howe'er, she stated what had raised her fear, And ev'ry thing that made her persevere.

WHEN Easter came, new difficulties rose Then, in confession, ALL she should disclose.

Anne, pa.s.sing peccadillos in review, This case aside, as an intruder threw; But parson Thomas made her all relate; And ev'ry circ.u.mstance most clearly state; That he, by knowing fully each defect, Might punishment accordingly direct, In which no father-confessor should err, Who absolution justly would confer.

The parson much his penitent abused; Said he, with sensual views to be amused, Is such a sin, 'tis scarcely worse to steal; The sight is just the same as if you feel.

HOWE'ER, the punishment that he imposed Was nothing great:--too slight to be disclosed; Enough to say, that in the country round, The father-confessors, who there abound, As in our own, (perhaps in ev'ry part,) Have devotees, who, when they ought to smart, A tribute pay, according to their lot, And thus indulgences are often got.

THIS tribute to discharge the current year, Much troubled Anne, and filled her breast with fear, When William, fishing, chanced a pike to hook, And gave it to his dear at once to cook, Who, quite delighted, hastened to the priest, And begged his rev'rence on the fish to feast.

The parson with the present much was pleased; A tap upon the shoulder care appeased; And with a smile he to the bringer said This fish, with trifles on the table spread, Will all complete; 'twas holyday we find, When other clergy with our rector dined.

Will you still more oblige, the parson cried, And let the fish at home by you be fried?

Then bring it here:--my servant's very new, And can't attempt to cook as well as you.

Anne hastened back; meanwhile the priests arrived, Much noise, and rout of course, once these were hived; Wines from the vault were brought without delay; Each of the quality would something say.

THE dinner served; the dean at table placed; Their conversation various points embraced; To state the whole would clearly endless be; In this no doubt the reader will agree.

They changed and changed, and healths went round and round; No time for scandal while such cheer was found; The first and second course away were cleared, Dessert served up, yet still no pike appeared.

The dinner o'er without th' expected dish, Or even a shadow of the promised fish.

When William learned the present Anne had made, His wish, to have it cancelled, with her weighed.

The rector was surprised, you may suppose, And, soon as from the table all arose, He went to Anne, and called her fool and knave, And, in his wrath, could scarcely secrets wave, But nearly her reproached the bathing scene; What, treat, said he, your priest like base and mean?

ANNE archly answered, with expression neat:-- The sight is just the same as if you eat!

THE DEVIL OF POPE-FIG ISLAND

BY master Francis clearly 'tis expressed: The folks of Papimania are blessed; True sleep for them alone it seems was made With US the copy only has been laid; And by Saint John, if Heav'n my life will spare, I'll see this place where sleeping 's free from care.

E'en better still I find, for naught they do: 'Tis that employment always I pursue.

Just add thereto a little honest love, And I shall be as easy as a glove.

ON t'other hand an island may be seen, Where all are hated, cursed, and full of spleen.

We know them by the thinness of their face Long sleep is quite excluded from their race.

SHOULD you, good reader, any person meet, With rosy, smiling looks, and cheeks replete, The form not clumsy, you may safely say, A Papimanian doubtless I survey.

But if, on t'other side, you chance to view, A meagre figure, void of blooming hue, With stupid, heavy eye, and gloomy mien Conclude at once a Pope-figir, you've seen.

POPE-FIG 'S the name upon an isle bestowed, Where once a fig the silly people showed, As like the pope, and due devotion paid:-- By folly, blocks have often G.o.ds been made!

These islanders were punished for their crime; Naught prospers, Francis tells us, in their clime; To Lucifer was giv'n the hateful spot, And there his country house he now has got.

His underlings appear throughout the isle, Rude, wretched, poor, mean, sordid, base, and vile; With tales, and horns, and claws, if we believe, What many say who ought not to deceive.

ONE day it happened that a cunning clown Was by an imp observed, without the town, To turn the earth, which seemed to be accurst, Since ev'ry trench was painful as the first.

This youthful devil was a t.i.tled lord; In manners simple:--naught to be abhorred; He might, so ignorant, be duped at ease; As yet he'd scarcely ventured to displease: Said he, I'd have thee know, I was not born, Like clods to labour, dig nor sow the corn; A devil thou in me beholdest here, Of n.o.ble race: to toil I ne'er appear.

THOU know'st full well, these fields to us belong: The islanders, it seems, had acted wrong; And, for their crimes, the pope withdrew his cares; Our subjects now you live, the law declares; And therefore, fellow, I've undoubted right, To take the produce of this field, at sight; But I am kind, and clearly will decide The year concluded, we'll the fruits divided.

What crop, pray tell me, dost thou mean to sow?

The clod replied, my lord, what best will grow I think is Tousell; grain of hardy fame; The imp rejoined, I never heard its name; What is it. Tousell, say'st thou?--I agree, If good return, 'twill be the same to me; Work fellow, work; make haste, the ground prepare; To dig and delve should be the rabble's care; Don't think that I will ever lend a hand, Or give the slightest aid to till the land; I've told thee I'm a gentleman by birth, Designed for ease: not doomed to turn the earth.

Howe'er I'll now the diff'rent parts allot, And thus divide the produce of the plot:-- What shall above the heritage arise, I'll leave to thee; 'twill very well suffice; But what is in the soil shall be my share; To this attend, see ev'ry thing is fair.

THIS beardless corn when ripe, with joy was reaped, And then the stubble by the roots was heaped, To satisfy the lordly devil's claim, Who thought the seed and root were just the same, And that the ear and stalk were useless parts, Which nothing made if carried to the marts: The labourer his produce housed with care; The other to the market brought his ware, Where ridicule and laughter he received; 'Twas nothing worth, which much his bosom grieved.

QUITE mortified, the devil quickly went; To seek our clod, and mark his discontent: The fellow had discreetly sold the corn, In straw, unthrashed, and off the money borne, Which he, with ev'ry wily care, concealed; The imp was duped, and nothing was revealed.

Said he, thou rascal?--pretty tricks thou'st played; It seems that cheating is thy daily trade; But I'm a n.o.ble devil of the court, Who tricking never knew, save by report.

What grain dost mean to sow th' ensuing year?

The labourer replied, I think it clear, Instead of grain, 'twill better be to chop, And take a carrot, or a turnip crop; You then, my lord, will surely plenty find; And radishes, if you are so inclined.

THESE carrots, radishes, and turnips too, Said t'other, I am led to think will do; My part shall be what 'bove the soil is found: Thine, fellow, what remains within the ground; No war with thee I'll have, unless constrained, And thou hast never yet of me complained.

I now shall go and try to tempt a nun, For I'm disposed to have a little fun.

THE time arrived again to house the store; The labourer collected as before; Leaves solely to his lordship were a.s.signed, Who sought for those a ready sale to find, But through the market ridicule was heard, And ev'ry one around his jest preferred:-- Pray, Mister Devil, where d'ye grow these greens?

How treasure up returns from your demesnes?

ENRAGED at what was said, he hurried back, And, on the clown, proposed to make attack, Who, full of joy, was laughing with his wife, And tasting pleasantly the sweets of life.

By all the pow'rs of h.e.l.l, the demon cried, He shall the forfeit pay, I now decide; A pretty rascal truly, master Phil: Here, pleasures you expect at will, Well, well, proceed; gallant it while allowed; For present I'll remit what I had vowed; A charming lady I'm engaged to meet; She's sometimes willing: then again discreet; But soon as I, in cuckold's row, have placed Her ninny husband, I'll return in haste, And then so thoroughly I'll trim you o'er, Such wily tricks you'll never practise more; We'll see who best can use his claws and nails, And from the fields obtain the richest sales.

Corn, carrots, radishes, or what you will:-- Crop as you like, and show your utmost skill No stratagems howe'er with culture blend; I'll take my portion from the better end; Within a week, remember, I'll be here, And recollect:--you've every thing to fear.

AMAZED at what the lordly devil said, The clod could naught reply, so great his dread; But at the gasconade Perretta smiled, Who kept his house and weary hours beguiled, A sprightly clever la.s.s, with prying eye, Who, when a shepherdess, could more descry, Than sheep or lambs she watched upon the plain, If other views or points she sought to gain.

Said she, weep not, I'll undertake at ease, To gull this novice-devil as I please; He's young and ignorant; has nothing seen; Thee; from his rage, I thoroughly will skreen; My little finger, if I like can show More malice than his head and body know.

THE day arrived, our labourer, not brave, Concealed himself, but not in vault nor cave; He plunged within a vase extremely large, Where holy-water always was in charge; No demon would have thought to find him there, So well the clod had chosen his repair; In sacred stoles he m.u.f.fled up his skin, And, 'bove the water, only kept his chin; There we will leave him, while the priests profound Repeated Vade retro round and round.

PERRETTA at the house remained to greet The lordly devil whom she hoped to cheat.

He soon appeared; when with dishevelled hair, And flowing tears, as if o'erwhelmed with care, She sallied forth, and bitterly complained, How oft by Phil she had been scratched and caned; Said she, the wretch has used me very ill; Of cruelty he has obtained his fill; For G.o.d's sake try, my lord, to get away: Just now I heard the savage fellow say, He'd with his claws your lordship tear and slash: See, only see, my lord, he made this gash; On which she showed:--what you will guess, no doubt, And put the demon presently to rout, Who crossed himself and trembled with affright: He'd never seen nor heard of such a sight, Where scratch from claws or nails had so appeared; His fears prevailed, and off he quickly steered; Perretta left, who, by her friends around, Was complimented on her sense profound, That could so well the demon's snares defeat; The clergy too p.r.o.nounced her plan discrete.

FERONDE

IN Eastern climes, by means considered new; The Mount's old-man, with terrors would pursue; His large domains howe'er were not the cause, Nor heaps of gold, that gave him such applause, But manners strange his subjects to persuade; In ev'ry wish, to serve him they were made.

Among his people boldest hearts he chose, And to their view would Paradise disclose Its blissful pleasures:--ev'ry soft delight, Designed to gratify the sense and sight.

So plausible this prophet's tale appeared, Each word he dropt was thoroughly revered.

Whence this delusion?--DRINK deranged the mind; And, reason drowned, to madness they resigned.

Thus void of knowing clearly what they did, They soon were brought to act as they were bid; Conveyed to places, charming to the eye, Enchanting gardens 'neath an azure sky, With twining shrubs, meandring walks, and flow'rs, And num'rous grottos, porticoes and bow'rs.

When they chanced to pa.s.s where all was gay, From wine's inebriating pow'rful sway, They wondered at the frolicking around, And fancied they were got on fairy ground, Which Mahomet pretended was a.s.signed, For those to his doctrine were inclined.

To tempt the men and girls to seek the scene, And skip and play and dance upon the green, To murm'ring streams, meandering along, And lutes' soft notes and nightingales' sweet song: No earthly pleasure but might there be viewed, The best of wines and choicest fruits accrued, To render sense bewildered at the sight, And sink inebriated with delight.

THEN back they bore them motionless to sleep, And wake with wishes further joys to reap.

From these enjoyments many fully thought, To such enchanting scenes they should be brought, In future times, eternal bliss to taste, If death and danger valiantly they faced, And tried the prophet Mahomet to please, And ev'ry point to serve their prince would seize.

THE Mount's old man, by means like these, could say; He'd men devoted to support his sway; Upon the globe no empire more was feared, Or king or potentate like him revered.

These circ.u.mstances I've minutely told, To show, our tale was known in days of old.

FERONDE, a rich, but awkward, vulgar clown, A ninny was believed throughout the town; He had the charge of revenues not slight, Which he collected for a friar white.