He points to Ethan, who is now doing jumping jacks.

JACK: At first we couldn't get the guy to talk, and now he won't shut up.

ETHAN: One time. One time I talked too much.

The other three members roll their eyes collectively.

JACK: Yeah, okay, one time. Sure, sure. Tell me, Carter, have you ever wondered what the origin of the word fan is?

I shake my head.

JACK: Well, if you do, Ethan over there has about a half-hour description. Which would be fascinating ... if you were in an insane asylum.

CHLOE: Well, we just came to say hi. I want to grab our table before someone takes it. Good luck, guys!

I don't really know what to say, so I just wave good-bye.

Chloe links her arm with mine as we make our way through the crowded room.

CHLOE: Tonight is going to be interesting. Ethan can be a bit of a loose cannon. It's funny, they used to have to beg him to even address the audience, and now he won't shut up. It just depends on the day, I guess. His behavior has been a little unpredictable and tonight is their first big gig since - Chloe stops herself and studies a flyer.

CHLOE: You know, it's Friday, so I'm allowed a treat. I'm getting a brownie, do you want anything?

I think about my diet: protein, protein, and more protein. But if Chloe, whose profession is even more weight-conscious than acting, can treat herself, why can't I?

ME: Yeah, a brownie sounds great. But here, let me get it.

I hand her a twenty as she flags down somebody she knows to get our brownies before we settle down at a table up front with her name on it. The place is so packed, our table is right up against the side of the stage. I can literally rest my arm on one of the speakers. Chloe grabs our chocolate fixes and cuts hers into tiny pieces.

CHLOE: I'm glad I ran into you. I used to have Kelsey to keep me company, but she's no longer in the picture.

I raise my eyebrow since my mouth is full of the most amazing brownie I've ever tasted.

CHLOE: Oh, Kelsey used to be Ethan's girlfriend. They'd been going out for years, but it was such a dysfunctional relationship. They'd go out, he'd write these amazing love songs about her. But then she wouldn't be at a show and these girls would throw themselves at him because of songs he wrote about Kelsey. He'd cheat, and then he'd write some song begging for forgiveness. She'd take him back and it would all repeat.

ME: Really?

I always saw Ethan as this quiet guy. He was usually with someone from the band, so I always took him as a pretty loyal guy. Guess not.

CHLOE: Yeah, it got to be ridiculous. Get back together, cheat, fight, get back together, rinse, and repeat. He was so annoying to be around. Always sulking about his love life. He even started to drink before the shows. Finally, Emme lost it on him.

ME: Emme?

Chloe laughs.

CHLOE: I know, right? Emme is the sweetest thing. But from the way Jack tells it, she totally lost her mind on him. Started screaming at him to stop being such a ... I think it was "a self-sabotaging moron" or something. I can't remember her exact words, but the whole incident really shook up the band. They didn't hear from Ethan for two weeks, and when he came back, he said he'd ended his relationship with Kelsey for good and he wasn't going to drink anymore, period. No one really believes him.

ME: About the drinking or Kelsey? Don't they like her?

CHLOE: No, he hasn't had anything to drink or anything, but with Kelsey it's not like they didn't like her. They really liked her. I don't think any of them could take how he treated her. Especially Emme. Although the weird thing is that Kelsey wasn't a fan of Emme's.

I find that hard to believe. Who could find anything wrong with Emme? She's so nice ... and probably too loyal a friend.

CHLOE: Emme made every effort, but I don't think Kelsey liked Ethan's relationship with Emme.

ME: Did they ever?

CHLOE: G.o.d, no. Emme and Ethan are really close - or at least they used to be. Ethan clearly adores Emme and is very protective of her. I don't think Kelsey appreciated that. I know Emme thinks Sophie is her best friend, but it's really Ethan and the guys who have her back. She's just so blinded by that girl. No offense.

ME: None taken.

The lights go down and the place erupts in cheers and applause.

Jack gets behind his drum kit while Ben and Emme plug in their guitars. Ethan comes storming onto the stage with his hands up. The girls start screaming for him.

It's funny because Ethan doesn't really make any impact at school. Sure, he's known as one of the best music students, but he doesn't grandstand or walk around demanding attention like most of the top students at CPA. He seems to enjoy flying under the radar, but up onstage, he commands attention. His charisma is palpable and I can now understand why there are so many girls here.

The band starts playing a song I've never heard before, one of their originals. But the people jammed up front are singing along to every word.

It's amazing to see them up onstage. Seeing them walking down the street or even in a cramped greenroom, I don't think you'd stop and think that these four people belong together. Jack: big teddy bear with a full head of wild Afro curls. Ben: una.s.suming dirty-blond-haired, blue-eyed guy who just happily strums his ba.s.s. Ethan: tall (he's got to be close to six foot three now) and skinny, his black hair a little long and a bit curly; Emme: with her bright red hair, pale freckled skin, wearing all black and bobbing to the music as she strums her guitar.

But even if they look different, together onstage they're a complete unit. It isn't their friendship that I envy the most; it's the pa.s.sion for what they're doing right at this moment. It's clear that each one of them loves playing music. It's their calling. It's what they want to do.

Chloe leads me backstage after the concert. We get stopped a few times on the way for some photos, which I oblige. During the entire concert, I felt like a normal student watching his friends play. But once the lights came on, I saw all the girls with their cameras out, waiting for a picture. I was hoping "Carter Harrison" could take the night off. And the last thing I want to do is take any attention away from the band. Tonight is about them.

We get into the small room, which has become even tighter with people. Several girls have made their way backstage, all fighting for Ethan's attention. The rest of the band are putting their instruments away. Chloe immediately finds Jack and, once again, I'm standing there trying to look like I belong.

Emme spots me and makes her way over. A few girls back up so Emme is intentionally pushed. She doesn't seem to realize it, or maybe she's used to it by now.

EMME: Hey, Carter, thanks for coming.

I stumble over my words for a moment and then it hits me, what I want to say. Actually, what I want to know.

ME: Do you love what you do?

If Emme is taken by surprise with this abrupt question, she doesn't show it.

EMME: Yes. Performing used to make me so nervous, but not with these guys.

ME: You were really amazing. Truly. I love the new songs and the covers. Everything. I can't believe four people can make such a complete sound.

I know that sounds stupid, but Emme blushes anyway.

EMME: Thanks.

I don't know what it is (maybe the chocolate?), but suddenly I feel like I can tell Emme anything. Like she'll understand me. I want to open up to somebody.

ME: Hey, can I buy you, like, a coffee or something? I'd love to talk to you some more, unless ...

I don't know if they have other plans or she's tired or what. I see Ethan studying me. He comes over and gives Emme a hug.

ETHAN: Great show tonight.

EMME: Thanks. I'm going to pack up and then head out with Carter. Do you want me to grab your cords onstage so you can get back to your fan club?

Emme moves her chin subtly over to the group of four girls glaring at her.

Ethan doesn't even turn around to acknowledge them.

ETHAN: No, it's okay. I'll go with you.

A girl comes over and tugs Ethan's shirt.

GIRL: Hey, Ethan, I totally want to show you the pictures I took.

I can tell Ethan has no interest in looking at the girl's photos. I can also sense tension between Ethan and Emme.

ME: I can help pack up and, like, move stuff or whatever.

Very elegant, Carter.

EMME: That'd be great, thanks.

Emme moves to leave the room, and Ethan pulls away from the other girl and grabs Emme's arm.

ETHAN: Just give me a few minutes and I can help.

Emme shakes her head.

EMME: It's getting late, and I want to pack up and leave. You know, some of us do have a curfew. Don't worry about it - we can handle the breakdown. Talk to you later.

Emme turns on her heel and walks out the door. I follow her down the hallway, onto the stage.

Jack and Ben are already there disa.s.sembling the drum kit and amps. Jack doesn't hesitate putting me to work. And I love it. I mean, I realize that I'm here purely for manual labor, but being with them makes me feel like part of the team.

I'm a little disappointed when the last amp is packed into the truck.

Ethan comes out to the alley with two girls following behind him.

JACK: Nice for you to show up once we're done.

Ethan clenches his teeth and ignores the laughter coming from the two girls leaning against the wall.

EMME: Okay, guys, I'm heading out. Great show.

Emme gives each of the guys a hug. After she embraces Ethan, he leans in and whispers something in her ear. She turns around with an annoyed look on her face.

Emme leads me to a place close to the F train. She gets a green tea while I get a delicious mocha drink (if I'm going to splurge, might as well do it big-time, right?).

I go on and on about the show, and Emme listens patiently as she sips her tea. I run out of compliments and after I use the word awesome for the twelfth time, I decide to take a break.

EMME: You know, Carter, it's okay. You can talk to me about Sophie.

ME: Sophie?

Sophie hasn't even entered my mind the entire evening. Which should probably give me a hint of how well things are going between us.

EMME: Yeah, I a.s.sumed that's what you wanted to talk to me about.

Oh, of course she a.s.sumed that it was about Sophie. This was a stupid idea.

ME: No, I just ...

She sets her gla.s.s down and leans in. Her bright green eyes sparkle, and I can tell that I can trust her. Sophie constantly says what a good friend she is, and it's clear that Emme has always gone out of her way for her friends.

ME: Actually, I wanted to talk to you about school. And I know this is going to sound weird, but this isn't how I thought school would be.

She nods at me knowingly. I can tell that she is going to let me talk. I'm not used to that. Mom and Sophie do the talking. I do the listening. But not tonight. Tonight I'm going to say what I've been dying to scream out for years.

ME: I hate acting.

There. I've said it. And now I feel the floodgates open.

ME: Acting wasn't even my choice. I've been doing it for forever and I don't even like it. Sure, as a kid it was like playing pretend. And I had fun traveling the world and doing the Kavalier Kids movies, but then it just became so redundant. We sat around, got tutored, spent four hours shooting three lines of dialogue. At least with the soap, everything moves quickly because we've got five hours of TV to fill a week. But I'm not happy. This isn't what I want. I don't know what I want.

I pause.

ME: Actually, that's a lie. I love to draw and paint. I love art. Sometimes on the weekends, I put on a baseball hat and a hoodie and spend hours at galleries in SoHo. And that's such a stupid thing to have to hide. But I hide it from my mom, who wants me to return to the glory days. I know she'd think there's no future in art, but like there is in acting? Let's face it, I'm not that good. Sure, as a kid, I got by being all cute, but I don't have the desire or depth to do more adult roles. I get the lead in everything because the girls will buy the tickets. Most of the teachers don't even like me. Let's not even get into the students. I don't know. And I don't know why I'm babbling to you, I just ... I see you up onstage with the guys and you seem happy. Like you're doing exactly what you are meant to do. Do you have any idea what a blessing that is? I don't even see you that happy when you're performing with Sophie.

I know I've hit a nerve. I can see her shift uncomfortably.

ME: I'm sorry, I know that is none of my business. I just ... I want to be happy.

I finally let out a breath and take a sip of my mocha.

EMME: What would make you happy? Right now.

ME: Quitting the soap.

EMME: Okay.

She says it like that is so easy. But I guess it is. Money isn't an issue. I technically don't have to work.

EMME: And then?

ME: Take art cla.s.ses.

EMME: Okay. So you need to quit the soap and take art cla.s.ses.