"And Bert." She corrected him with a serious look.

"Excuse me. And Bert. But not Brownie, if you please. I've already called the stable in the park. They'll give Brownie a very comfortable stall. At about the same price we'll be paying to rent this house."

"G.o.d, how awful. Maybe we should leave him in Santa Barbara."

"h.e.l.l no. You can't do that to Tygue. Besides, I think I can still manage it." He was looking around what Kate was already calling "the Ivory Tower," the wood-paneled room on the top floor. He could already imagine nights in front of the fire, Kate in his arms, the lights across the Bay twinkling just past Angel Island, and Tygue sound asleep downstairs. Or he could see Kate busy at her desk on the other side of the gla.s.s doors, oblivious to anything but her work, concocting a new book on the typewriter with three pencils and a pen stuck haphazardly into her hair. He loved what he saw, in his mind and around him.

"Do you think we should take it?" She was smiling at him like a child, anxious and excited and proud.

He laughed. "You're asking my advice? I thought that was already settled, Cinderella. I owe you for that deposit, by the way."

"The h.e.l.l you do. That was my share."

"What share?" He looked at her in surprise.

"You don't expect to support me, do you? We go fifty-fifty on this. Don't we?" She suddenly looked embarra.s.sed. They had not yet discussed the financial aspect of the move.

"Are you serious?" Nick looked offended. "Of course I expect to support you."

"But you're not marrying me, for chrissake. We're just living together."

"That's your decision, not mine. Tygue is your responsibility, if you like, but you're mine. I'm not going to have you paying rent to live here."

"That doesn't seem fair."

"Then mind your own business. And I'd happily support Tygue too, if you'd agree." He looked at her seriously, but she shook her head.

"Nick ..." She looked across at him with a tender look in her eyes. It had been only two months, and he was offering her everything. He was offering to support her, entertain her, take care of her, take on her son. It was all very much like a dream. "Why are you always so good to me."

"Because you deserve it, and I love you." He sat down next to her in the window seat. '"I'd do more, if you'd let me."

"What more is there?" She looked around with a twinkle in her eye, but he was looking unusually serious.

"Marriage." He said it very softly, and she looked away. "You still won't even consider it, will you?" But h.e.l.l, it had been only two months. And she still hadn't told him about Tom. In time ... he knew that in time ... at least that was what he hoped. And he liked the idea of the spare bedroom next to Tygue's. He had an excellent idea of how to fill it, and not with friends from L.A. or New York. But Nick was looking at her very carefully in the twilight and she finally lifted her eyes to his. And then very carefully she put her arms around him and held him very tight.

"I'm sorry, Nick. But I can't think of marriage ... I can't." She sounded as though something were breaking inside of her.

"Are you still hung up on your husband?" He didn't want to push, but he couldn't let this go.

"No. Not in the way you mean. I accept what happened. I told you. He's gone. Part of another life, another century. And the funny thing is that you already know me better than he ever did." And then she felt like a traitor for saying that Tom had known her perfectly, but she had been a girl, a child, not yet a woman, not until the end. She hadn't even known herself then. But she did now, and Nick knew her too. It was a very different relations.h.i.+p.

"But you still hang on to him, don't you?"

She started to say no, but then nodded. "In some ways."

"Why?"

"Maybe out of loyalty. Out of what we once had." It was a strange double-edged conversation. She was answering his questions with more truth than she thought he understood.

"You can't live like that forever, Kate."

"I know. I just always knew I'd never remarry."

"That's ridiculous." He stood up with a sigh then. "We can talk about it later. In the meantime, Cinderella"-he looked down at her with the smile that never failed to melt her-"welcome home." He took her face in his hands and kissed her very gently.

Three weeks later, they moved in, amidst chaos and laughter and loving. Tygue ensconced himself in his room, Bert took over the entire house, the kitchen became everyone's favorite meeting place, and the maid's room became an instant depository for ice skates, bicycles, and skis. Nick was teaching Tygue to skate, and he was going to take them both skiing as soon as the first snows came. The dining room looked just as she had envisioned it, with a table they found at an auction, with eight rustic old ladder-back chairs, and white organdie curtains. The living room was a little grand for everyday, in brown velvets and beige silks, but it would be perfect for entertaining Nick's friends, or people from the show. And the room upstairs became just what they had dreamed. A love nest. When they were not tucked into their cluttered Victorian blue and white bedroom, they were to be found hiding out in the wood-paneled room upstairs. Kate filled it with plants and books, some old paintings she loved, the leather chairs Nick liked best from his apartment, and his most treasured private things-trophies of his boyhood, favorite photographs, and the stuffed head of a lion smoking a hysterically oversized cigar, one eye sewn into a wink. There was also a tuba hanging from the wall, in memory of a past even more distant than that commemorated by the trophies or the lion, and there were endless baby pictures of Tygue. Her past seemed to go no further back than that. But before Tygue had come her parents, and Tom, and both of those eras were now closed. This was a new life. And she made it that when she moved up from the country. Just as she had when she'd moved down there. She closed a door behind her with each move.

Tygue loved his new school, and the show was going well. Even Kate's new book was progressing nicely. She was sure she would finish it before Christmas. And A Final Season was already in its fifth printing.

"You know, I can't get over this place." Felicia was their first dinner guest. She sat down in the living room after dinner and looked around. "Some of us just happen to hit it lucky on the first try." Or the second, but she didn't say that. She looked warmly at Nick. "You've managed to accomplish in a couple of months what I couldn't push the kid into in almost seven years. Mr. Waterman, hats off." She smiled at Nick and he executed a neat bow. Their affection was mutual. He liked what she did for Kate, the way she had stood by her for so long.

Nick grew serious for a minute. "I think she was just ready to come out of her sh.e.l.l."

"Come out? I was blasted out."

Felicia concealed a grin with another sip of her coffee. Even their belongings had combined well to make a home. Felicia looked around, and shared another smile with Nick, and then he glanced at his watch.

"Ladies, with deepest regrets, I'm afraid I'll have to leave you." They had eaten dinner early so he could get to the taping on time. The "girls" were going to stay home and chat. "I'll be back after nine. Stick around, Licia. We can play poker or something when I get home. Or I'll take you two out for a drink."

"I'll take a raincheck, love. I've got half a dozen early meetings tomorrow. It'll really be a b.i.t.c.h of a day. I don't hang around in bed till noon the way you two do."

"The h.e.l.l I do. I spend half my life car-pooling Tygue and his pals around here."

"Oh you do." Nick arched an eyebrow and she laughed guiltily.

"All right, all right. I'll do it next week, I swear."

"Kate Harper, you are spoiled." Felicia looked at her in amazement. "Nick even car-pools for you?" Kate nodded guiltily, but with a grin. "Jesus. You don't deserve the gold mine you got." She looked at her friend in mock horror, but Kate's happiness was exactly what she had longed to see for years. And this new living situation obviously suited Kate perfectly. Just enough domesticity and just enough sparkle.

Nick hugged Felicia and kissed Kate, and they heard the Ferrari pull out a moment later after he had gone upstairs to say good night to Tygue, who was playing with Felicia's train in the spare room.

"Is there anything that man doesn't do for you, Kate?" Felicia looked over at her, sitting peacefully at the other end of the brown velvet couch.

"Nothing I can think of." She looked totally content. "I know. I'm spoiled rotten." But he wasn't all teddy bear either. They had their moments and their fights, but she liked that about him too.

"You deserve it, love. He's really an extraordinary man." And then after a pause, she looked up with a question in her eyes, and Kate looked away. "He still doesn't know, does he? I mean about Tom." But Kate had known what she meant. She looked up at her and shook her head, with a look of pain and sorrow. "Have you stopped going?" She hoped ... she hoped ... but she didn't get her wish. Kate shook her head again and sighed.

"Of course not. I can't stop going. How could I stop? What could I say? 'I'm leaving you now. I've found someone else.' You don't say that to a seven-year-old boy. You don't walk out on him. You don't stop, Licia. You can't. I'll never stop as long as he's alive."

"Will you tell Nick?"

"I don't know." She closed her eyes for a moment and then looked at the fire. "I don't know. I guess I should. But I don't know how. Maybe in time."

"You'll have to, if this goes on for a long time. Where does he think you go?"

"To teach."

"Doesn't he get sick of that? I mean, all the way to Carmel to teach is pus.h.i.+ng it a little, isn't it?"

Kate nodded again. "I just don't have any choice."

"You don't want to have a choice. I think he'd understand."

"But what if he didn't, Felicia? He wants to get married, to have children, to have a normal life. How can you have a normal life living with a married woman? A woman who's married to a seven-year-old physical and emotional cripple? What if I tell him and he decides it's too much for him?" She closed her eyes for a moment at the thought.

"And you think not telling him would change that, Kate? What if he finds out eventually? What if he presses you about getting married? What if you tell him in five years, or two years, or ten years? What do you think he'll say then? He has a right to know the truth." And so did Tygue. She had thought so on and off for years. Now and then she had been wooed by Kate's insistence that not telling Tygue had been the right decision, but in her gut she had always thought that the boy might be better off if he knew. But she wasn't going to tackle that one with Kate again. And if only Nick knew, he could help Kate deal with the issue of telling Tygue. "I think you're playing with dynamite by not telling him. You're also not showing a lot of faith in him, and you're not being very b.a.l.l.sy."

"My, my, that's quite a speech, Licia."

"I'm sorry, Kate. But I think it needs to be said, before you make a big mistake."

"All right. I'll see."

"Doesn't he ask you about Carmel?"

"Sometimes. But I cut him off."

"You can't cut him off forever, Kate. And why should you? It's not fair. Look what he's doing for you, what he's giving you, how much he loves you. You owe him the truth."

"All right, Licia, all right. Just let me work it out for myself." She stood up and walked to the fire with her back to her friend. She didn't want to hear it. She knew that Licia was right. She did have to tell him. Eventually. But not yet. And Licia was also right that she couldn't stall him forever. She was already getting nervous about the days she went away. She had tiptoed downstairs three days before, hoping he wouldn't be up. But he had been. And she had hated the act she had put on as she left.

"How often do you go?" Felicia, as usual, wouldn't let up.

"Same as always. Twice a week." And with a sigh she realized that she was going again the next day. Maybe Nick would sleep late.

CHAPTER 27.

She closed the door as the car pool rounded the corner. A last wave just before the little blond head in the back seat disappeared from sight, and Tygue was off to his day. And she to hers. She walked softly into the kitchen for a last sip of her coffee. She didn't want to wake Nick.

"You look awfully done up for a foggy Tuesday morning." He looked at her from the large kitchen table and she jumped.

"Hi, darling. I didn't know you were up." She tried to sound light as she bent to kiss him. "Want some coffee?" He nodded. "Eggs?"

"No, thanks. I'll make my own when I can open my eyes. You teaching again?"

She nodded, looking into the coffee she was pouring.

"Your schedule seems to vary a lot." There was something strange in his voice. An accusation. A suspicion. Something she didn't like. She looked up at him, but she couldn't quite tell what it was. "Last week you went Monday and Thursday. Didn't you?"

"I guess so. I don't know." She poured in the two sugars he liked and busied herself at the sink.

"Come here a minute."

Her heart was pounding, but she tried to think empty thoughts as she turned toward him. She didn't want him to see anything, know anything ... know she was lying. She stood looking at him, but there was no smile in his eyes.

"Why won't you tell me what you really do down there?"

"Are you serious?"

"Very." And he looked it. Her heart only beat faster and seemed to fill her ears.

"I told you. I teach r.e.t.a.r.ded children and adults."

"Can't you find something comparable in the city? Surely San Francisco has lots of r.e.t.a.r.ded kids who'd love you. Why Carmel?" And why not the truth, dammit? Why?

"I've been going there for years." That much he knew.

"While you were married?"

"No." And then there was a strange silence and she looked hard at him again. "What difference does that make?"

"I don't know, Kate. Maybe I should ask you that."

"What the h.e.l.l difference does it make, dammit? I don't bother you. I leave at eight, I'm back at five. Sometimes four-thirty. It doesn't take anything away from you," She was angry now, and frightened. She had never seen him look like that before.

"It does take something away from me, Kate." He looked at her in a way that shriveled her soul. It was a cold, angry look. "It takes you away."

"For a few lousy hours?" Christ, she owed Tom that much. He had no right to ...

"Have you ever looked in the mirror when you get back?" She stared at him silently. "You look like a ghost. You look haunted and hurt and tried and sad. Why do you do that to yourself?" He found himself staring at her even harder, but found no answers. "Never mind. It's none of my business." She said nothing, but walked out of the kitchen. She should have gone to him, hugged him, kissed him. She knew it. It would have been smarter. But she didn't want to be smart. And she didn't want to be pushed. She wasn't going to tell him until she was ready to, if ever. And she would never let him stop her from going. Those two days a week were sacred. They were Tom's.

"I'll see you at five." She said it from the front door, with her eyes closed, wanting to go to him, but afraid he'd do something to stop her from going, or worse, force the truth out of her. Why the h.e.l.l did he have to wake up? It was so easy when he was asleep. She hesitated a moment and then spoke again. "I love you." She heard him walk softly out of the kitchen and into the dining room. He stood there with the Bay at his back and looked at her for what felt like an eon.

"Do you, Kate?"

"You know I do." She walked slowly toward him and took him into her arms. "Darling, I love you so much."

There was a long pause as his arms held her too, and then he pulled away.

"Then tell me about Carmel." He almost prayed that she would. G.o.d, how long could he go on pretending not to know. But Kate only looked at him, with wide sorrowful eyes.

"We've already talked about Carmel, Nick." Her eyes never left his.

"Have we? Then why don't I feel more comfortable about your going there?" What else could he say, dammit? Jesus, if she'd only give him an opening.

"There's nothing for you to worry about."

"Isn't there, Kate? Wouldn't it worry you if I went somewhere every week without telling you more about it than you tell me?"

She was silent for a moment and then she looked away. "But I tell you about it, Nick. You know why I go." She tried desperately to sound soothing.