"What's that supposed to mean?" It was the first time she had ever seen him look disagreeable. In fact, he looked shocked.

"It means that I know I should go, but I don't want to. I was having such a good time. And Tillie says he's fine, but I know that if I don't go back, I'll feel awful and he'll hate me, and ... oh, Nick. I haven't done anything with my life in seven years and this has been so much fun."

"It's not his fault you locked yourself in a closet for all those years, for chrissake. You're his mother!" He was actually shouting. It stunned her.

"Okay. I know that. But I'm me too. I'm Kate, not just Mom. I'm almost thirty years old, and I've been Mom nonstop for six years. Don't I have a right to more than that?"

"Yes. but not at his expense, lady. Never at his expense." He was stalking the room now, furious. "Let me tell you something, Kate. I've seen a lot of a.s.sholes come and go from where I sit. They screw up their lives, they f.u.c.k over their children, they cheat on their husbands, they break up their marriages, and you know why? Because they're so G.o.dd.a.m.n in love with themselves they can't see straight. They love the noise and the lights, the introductions and the applause, the cameras and the microphones, and you know what else? I can see you falling for that bulls.h.i.+t too. Well do yourself and Tygue and me a big favor, kiddo-don't. There's nothing there. Fame is a nice place to visit, but that's it. And now, your kid broke his arm, and you're going home, and that's it." He leaned past her, grabbed the phone, and asked the hotel operator for TWA, but before he could finish his sentence, Kate's finger was on the b.u.t.ton, disconnecting his call. He looked at her in astonishment. Her eyes were blazing, but when she spoke, her voice was soft.

"Don't ever do that again. When I want to call the airline, I'll do it. When I decide to go home, I'll let you know. And when I need your advice about my maternal responsibilities, I'll ask for it. In the meantime, mister, keep your ideas and your threats and your righteous indignation to yourself." She stood up and walked across the room with her back to him. When she reached the window, she turned to look at him, and he had never seen such fury in a woman's face. "I have given everything to that child for years. Everything I have, everything I am, everything I know how to give has been his. But it's my turn now. And I know better than anyone the price to be paid. I watched someone I loved grow cancerous with that bulls.h.i.+t fame trip. I know all about it, thank you. And I'm scared to death of it. But that doesn't mean I want to be buried alive either. I've done that to myself for years and I've had enough of it. I have a right to this, I have a right to my time with you, my career, my own life, and if I'm disappointed because I have to go back to reality now, then I have a right to that too. But don't you ever try to guilt-trip me out, and tell me what I owe that child. I know what I owe Tygue, and believe me, I've paid my dues. And don't you ever tell me what to do again. I've been there. I've tried that. I've relied on a man until there was no me left. I let him make all my decisions, and I loved it and I loved him, but it almost killed me when he wasn't there to do the telling anymore. So I grew up. I make my own decisions. And I like it that way. I love you, Nick, but you will never tell me when to go home. I'll make that decision. Is that perfectly clear?" He nodded silently and she walked back across the room with her head bowed. She stopped when she stood right in front of him.

"I'm sorry if I said too much, Nick, but it's been a long hard road from there to here, and I've paid a h.e.l.l of a price for everything I have. I don't know how to deal with anyone messing with that. I'm not even sure I know how to deal with someone helping me. And there's an awful lot happening to me right now. I need time to absorb it ... maybe going home isn't such a bad idea after all." Her voice was deep and gruff as she ended the words and reached for the phone. She asked for the same airline Nick had asked for only a moment before. He said nothing now. He only listened as she made a reservation on the next flight. He stood up when she was through on the phone, and they both remained still for a moment, neither of them speaking, neither of them sure what to say, both of them shaken by what they had felt and said. It was Kate who spoke first. "I'm sorry, Nick."

"Don't be. I had no right ..." He pulled her gently into his arms and sighed. He wanted to do everything for her, because he knew that no one had for so long, but he knew she had to grow into this new life herself. He wanted to spare her the pain and the price, but he couldn't. He held her tight for a long moment and then swatted her behind and pulled away. "You'd better go get ready, or you'll miss your flight."

"No, I won't." She was smiling now. A small, womanly smile, and it evoked a real smile from him.

"Listen, you ..."

"Oh shut up." She led him gently by the hand into the bedroom they had shared during their stay in New York and she pulled him onto the bed and began to laugh. "Don't be so serious, Nick. The world hasn't come to an end." As a matter of fact, she felt as though it was just beginning. And as he carefully pulled off her s.h.i.+rt, she reached out to him with a longing and hunger she could barely control. She pulled him down to her, her mouth and her body aching for his.

CHAPTER 25.

"Tillie, can you stay with Tygue for a few hours?"

"Sure. I'll be over right away."

Kate smiled as she hung up. Nick was coming back from New York. It had only been a week, but it felt more like years. Tygue's cast made his arm itch and he was constantly restless. She had been up to see Tom twice and he seemed in poor form too. He looked tired and gaunt, and she could see that he was losing weight. And he cried the second time when she left. Everyone was pulling at her. But it was no different than it had been before. Only she was different. The past week had been like a living reminder of what her life had been like before Nick. But now he was coming home. And she had two chapters of a new book to show him.

"Where are you going?" Tygue looked worried as she pulled out the coral dress she had worn in New York.

"To meet Nick. I'm going to surprise him." And then she knew she shouldn't have said it, because he'd want to come too. The boy's face lit up like a firecracker on the Fourth of July.

"He's coming home?" She nodded, with a smile. She felt the same way.

"Can I come?" She paused for a long moment, and then sighed.

"Okay, tough guy. You win." Motherhood, Inc. And suddenly she wanted so much to be alone. But she knew Nick would be happy to see him. She called Tillie back and told Tygue to change his clothes. He could manage pretty well with the cast now.

They were in the car half an hour later. Tygue had on his new cowboy boots and his favorite hat, and she felt pretty again in the coral dress. It felt nice to wear good clothes. She was sick of blue jeans and old s.h.i.+rts.

They had three and a half hours to get to the airport, and they made it just in time. They ran to the gate just as Nick walked off the plane. Tygue shouted his name, and Kate stood there, breathless. It had been a mad dash through the building.

"Hey, Tiger!" Nick looked at the boy in astonishment and then at his mother. It had been years since anyone had met him at a plane. He just stood there and beamed, with the child in his arms. But the hug he gave Kate told him what her surprise meant.

"We brought you a present!" The boy was ecstatic too. All three of them were, as they stood there blocking traffic.

"You did?"

"Yup. A picture of Brownie with me on it. Mom had it framed for your desk."

"That's terrific." He put an arm around Kate's shoulders and they walked slowly along. "Hi, darling." He said it just for her and she reached up and kissed him again.

"I missed you something awful."

He rolled his eyes in answer, pulled her closer, and turned his attention back to Tygue.

"I missed you too, Nick. And I can ride Brownie, even with my arm."

"Is that a good idea?" He looked at Kate with a frown.

"The doctor says it won't hurt him, as long as he doesn't go galloping around. They just walk."

"Okay."

They collected his bags as the three of them charged in and out of the conversation, and then went to get the car. They chatted all the way home, where even Bert seemed happy to see Nick.

"Now the whole family is together again!" Tygue said it with a fervor that tore at Kate's heart. He was getting so attached to Nick. But he wasn't alone in his affection. Nick could hardly wait to get his hands on the boy. They tried out all his new toys before dinner.

"And wait till you see the boat go! Your mom and I tried it out in New York." They exchanged a smile at the memory.

"They have a lake there?"

"A boat pond. And a zoo. And pony rides. We'll take you there sometime. As a matter of fact, young man, I have another trip in mind for you now."

"You do?" Tygue's eyes opened wide. Nick was always full of surprises, and Kate stood by waiting to hear about a weekend in Santa Barbara. But this time she was surprised too.

"Do you know what we're all doing tomorrow?"

Tygue shook his head wordlessly.

"We're going to Disneyland!"

"We are?" His eyes couldn't open wide enough, and Kate and Nick laughed.

"We are. All three of us."

"How on earth did you manage that?" Kate walked over and put an arm around him.

"Jasper went to the South of France for a week. So I'm all yours. If you can stand me." And after a week in New York, busting his a.s.s for the show, now he was taking them all to Disneyland. Kate looked at him in amazement.

"Mr. Waterman, I must be the luckiest woman alive."

"Nope. I'm the luckiest man."

The trip to Disneyland was perfect. They came home three days later, exhausted and happy, spent a day at Kate's place, and then went to Santa Barbara for the weekend. Kate hadn't been up to Carmel all week, but she didn't even care. She was happy where she was. And Tom had Mr. Erhard. For once, that would have to be enough. She had her own life to lead now.

Tygue looked miserable when the weekend came to an end.

"I'll see you next weekend, Tiger."

"But I want to see you sooner than that." Nick would be there every night, but Tygue didn't know that.

"Maybe you will."

Nick didn't know how honest the promise was, until the next day. He started the drive back to Kate's at four o'clock, and got there at seven. She was surprised to see him at first, and then worried. There was something brutally unhappy in his face, but he insisted that they'd talk when Tygue went to bed.

"Okay, tell me. I can't stand it." They had just closed Tygue's door.

"I talked to Jasper today, Kate. And ... he's made up his mind." Had he been fired? G.o.d, he looked awful. Kate reached for his hand.

"What about?"

"The show moves to San Francisco."

"When?"

"In six weeks."

"Is that awful?" She didn't quite understand.

"I think so. Don't you? That's a five-hour drive, at best. Sometimes six. I can't drive that every morning and every night. Not even for you." Now what would they have? Weekends? But she was smiling at him and took him into her arms.

"Is that why you're upset? G.o.d, I thought you'd been fired."

"I might as well have been." He had been thinking all day about quitting. h.e.l.l, any one of a dozen shows in L.A. would love to have him. But she was looking at him in astonishment.

"Are you crazy? What's the big deal?"

"I'll never see you, for chrissake. Doesn't that matter to you?" He looked as if he were going to cry, but Kate was smiling.

"So I'll move to San Francisco. So what?" She looked at him as though he were being ridiculous, and he closed his eyes and then opened them with a tired smile.

"You'd do that for me, Kate?"

"Sure. Or would that only make problems for you?" Maybe it wasn't what he wanted after all. Maybe he still wanted some freedom. But so did she. They could still have freedom and each other.

"Problems? Lady, you are amazing." And then he had a thought. "But what'll you do with the house?"

"We can use it on weekends. And the timing is perfect for school. We'll just enroll Tygue someplace up there, and he can start the school year next month, along with everyone else." She had thought it all out the last time he'd mentioned the possibility of the move. But she hadn't said anything to him, and he had been worried sick.

"Are you serious about all this, Kate?" He still couldn't believe it. But she looked serious. He didn't know whether to laugh, or cry, or dance.

"Of course I'm serious, Mr. Charming."

"Oh Kate ..." He held her in his arms for hours. The weeks of worry had been for nothing. It was going to be a whole new life. Together.

CHAPTER 26.

Her heels clattered through the empty room, leaving an echo behind her. It was a large open room with an endless span of picture window looking out on the Bay. The floors were a beautiful dark inlaid wood and there were bronze sconces on the wall. To the left, they could see the Golden Gate Bridge, to the right Alcatraz, and Angel Island sat straight ahead.

"It's really a remarkable view." Kate nodded pleasantly, but said nothing. It was a beautiful view ... a splendid view ... but it reminded her a little of the house she had shared with Tom. But that was silly. That had only been an apartment. This was a whole house. And a lovely one. Nick said he wanted a house.

She stood in the dining room with the same view of the Bay, her back to the fireplace. It was a warm room with beam ceilings and bay windows instead of the flat picture window of the living room. She squinted, seeing white organdie curtains and plants, inviting cus.h.i.+ons in the window seats, a soft white rug, and a rich, dark wood table.... She squinted again, seeing it all, and started to smile.

"I'm going to take a look at the upstairs again." The realtor nodded silently this time. She was tired. They had been doing this for three days, and there was nothing left to show. Kate had seen everything. Sunken living rooms, sweeping views, seven bedrooms, and only three, wood paneling, marble floors, crooked Victorians in need of work. She had seen everything from the decrepit to the divine in Pacific Heights and Presidio Heights, along the Presidio Wall and on Lake Street, and even on Russian Hill. But she seemed to know exactly what she wanted, and she apparently hadn't seen it yet. Her kind was the worst. She wasn't going to settle for anything less than the house she had laid out in her head. The realtor sat down heavily in the window seat, and flipped through her book for the thirtieth time in three days. This was it. It was the last suitable rental she had. She could hear Kate wandering around the uncarpeted rooms above, and then she noticed her footsteps stop.

Upstairs, Kate was looking out at the view from the master bedroom. The Bay again, and the same cozy window seats that she had seen downstairs in the dining room, a tiny fireplace with a marble mantelpiece, and a dressing room just big enough for a flea to change shoes in. But there was a friendliness to the place. She could imagine Nick pa.s.sing her in the hall, squeezing past her in the dressing room and pinching her behind as he reached into his closet. She could imagine sitting in the window seat with Tygue looking out over the Bay at twilight, talking about something important, like baseball or snakes. She could even see Bert here, clattering between the rooms. There were two other bedrooms on the second floor. A large one, which faced the garden at the front of the house, with lots of suns.h.i.+ne and tall French windows. That room could be Tygue's. And another equally pretty bedroom. A guest room perhaps. They didn't really need one but it was always good to have a spare room. And there was a tiny maid's room behind the kitchen which she could use as an office. It wasn't pretty, but at least it would give her a room in which she could write.

The kitchen she'd seen downstairs was open and warm, a room to have dinner in when they didn't have guests. It had two brick walls and a built-in barbecue, and the rest of it was painted yellow with a bright yellow ceramic floor. The tiles had been brought over from Portugal by the last tenants. It was perfect ... all it needed was copper pots, and a wrought-iron hook with salamis and peppers ... gla.s.s jars filled with spices ... curtains, and the butcher-block table Nick had in his kitchen now. She was bringing very little up from her place in the country. Only a few treasured things, the pretty pieces she had acquired over the years. The ordinary, functional things Nick said they could buy. It would be a little strange setting up housekeeping with him, without being married. What would belong to whom? And who decided what they bought? But Nick seemed to be comfortable with the arrangement, and was giving her carte blanche.

She looked around the bedroom that could be Tygue's again, and down at the well-tended little garden. It was surrounded by a high hedge which would give them privacy, and there was a gate, so Bert couldn't get lost. In fact, the house seemed to have everything they needed. The view and fireplaces and high ceilings Nick had said were a must, an elegant sweeping staircase that led upstairs, and three bedrooms, which even gave them a spare. And a small, dark room near the kitchen in which she could work. She didn't love the workroom, but the rest seemed to be just what they wanted. She sat on the top stair and looked up. Directly over her head there was a skylight, and to her right a slightly open door. More closets maybe. She leaned backward to take a look. It looked like a stairway. She frowned and got up, calling down to the realtor still waiting downstairs. "Is there more upstairs?"

There was the sound of shuffling through the now familiar book, and then a vague "I'm not sure." And then as Kate walked toward the door, the realtor came to the foot of the stairs. "Maybe some kind of an attic. But it doesn't say in the book. It just says here 'three bedrooms, den, and maid's.'"

"Den?" She hadn't seen a den. There was a den?

The stairway was narrow but carpeted, and the walls were still tapestried with a new-looking beige silk. It hardly looked like the kind of thing you'd put on the way to the attic, and as Kate reached the top of the stairs, she saw why. This was no attic, it wasn't even a den, it was an oasis, a dream. A small, well-proportioned wood-paneled room with a fireplace and a 360-degree view of San Francisco. The Bay, the Presidio, downtown, and the hills leading south. The room was well carpeted, boasted the now familiar bay windows, and there was even a little extension to it, a kind of solarium, which would be heavenly when it was filled with plants. And there would still be room for a desk and her file cabinets. The extension had two discreet gla.s.s French doors, which did not impair the view, but still allowed one to shut oneself off ... the perfect office. And a wonderful room to sit quietly in with Nick, after he did the show. They could light the fire and look out at the city. Their special hideaway, a room to fill with beauty and children and love. The whole house was that way. It was exactly what she had wanted. Better than that. It was exactly what she had dreamed, and known they would never find. Beauty, elegance, simplicity, warmth, privacy, and convenience. The realtor had thought she was crazy when she'd ticked them off. But she'd found them all in one house. And it didn't look a bit like the house she'd had with Tom.

"We'll take it." She said it in a decisive voice as she turned to the realtor, who had followed her upstairs.

"It's a remarkable place," the woman agreed.

Kate nodded victoriously. "It's perfect." She was beaming. She could hardly wait to show Nick. "How soon can we have it?"

"Tomorrow." The realtor grinned. They had done it after all. She couldn't get over it. She had been sure this one was hopeless. The woman wanted everything and wouldn't settle for less. But that upstairs room did make the house an incredible find. Why the h.e.l.l hadn't someone else s.n.a.t.c.hed it up? Maybe no one else had noticed the upstairs room before. It wasn't on the listing. "It says here that it's available immediately. We can draw up the lease and it's yours."

"I really ought to show it to ... to my husband. But I'm absolutely sure. This is it. In fact, just to be sure of it ... how much do they require as a deposit?" The realtor checked her book again and came up with a most unexceptionable figure. Kate wanted to shriek "That's all?" but she kept quiet. This one was too good to blow. She hastily wrote out a check and handed it to the woman. "I'll bring him back tonight."

She did, and he fell in love with it too. "Isn't it super?" With him she could be exuberant. "Oh Nick, I love it!" She plonked herself down in one of the window seats with a grin.

"I love you." He walked over to her with a peaceful smile, and then looked out at the bay. "But I love the house too. It's going to look terrific with you and Tygue running around in it."