57.

Elizabeth usually took quick showers. Just long enough to shampoo her hair, wash up, and shave her legs. The time, her mind would race in a dozen different directions.

Cole was coming for the afternoon, how late John had to work, which errands had to be run, and what she'd cook for dinner.

this was late Sunday afternoon, and dinner was already in a Crock-Pot downstairs. John was in his study, working on patient files, and in two hours her family would arrive. By the end of the evening, they would all know the truth of her diagnosis: that she would be having a double mastectomy on Monday morning.

hot water ran down her frame. Elizabeth reached for a washcloth, her favorite one, a thick, soft white cotton cloth she'd bought in New York City last December as part of a set. She intended to enjoy her last shower before surgery.

The soap was new also. A fragrant lilac bar she'd gotten as a gift for Christmas. Funny how she had let it sit, unopened, on the sink all these weeks. Too busy to open it and use it, plain green soap did the job just fine.

58.

REUNION.

She rubbed the soap into the washcloth, and the lather filled her senses. She set the bar down and slowly worked the sudsy cloth across her chest.

She brought her right elbow up over her head, and her breast lifted to where it had been before children and time had taken its toll. No, they weren't much by the world's standards, but they were hers, a part of her. The part that had so often been the source of passion between her and John, the part that had brought nourishment and comfort to each of her five kids. The part that had filled out a sweater or a dress or a bathing suit.

Even after her first bout with cancer, she had taken her breasts for granted.

Every time she looked in the mirror they were there, giving her a feminine shape and softening her thin frame.

She shifted the soapy cloth to her right hand and raised her left elbow over her head. Tomorrow they'd be gone, the part of her that had made her feel like a woman. She studied them, will ing it all to be a mistake somehow. They didn't look diseased, did they?

The surgery would be brutal, barbaric. A surgeon's scalpel would press to her sides, leaving grotesque scars and mutated shallow valleys where once lay the curves of her chest. Was that all the further they'd come in cancer research? It was the twenty-first century and still the best option for cancer was to cut it out?

Elizabeth ran the cloth over her chest and willed herself not to cry. Of course cancer treatment had progressed. They had new medications now, treatments that ten years ago wouldn't have been an option. It was those types of treatments, and medica tions like the one Elizabeth had been taking, that had probably kept the cancer away for so long.

She finished washing the rest of herself. She thought about how strange it would be not to have her breasts, to move about without the gentle weight of her chest as part of her being.

Again she looked at herself and wondered. How would John see her after the surgery? Of course he'd told her a number of times that it wouldn't matter; after all their years together his

59.

kingsbury , smalley love went far deeper than her looks, her figure. But still.., he'd loved that part of her, hadn't he? And now, even if she wore prosthetics, he would know they were gone, the same way she would know it.

If only she could stay here in the shower, hot water running over her body, her figure still whole and complete. She closed her eyes and lifted her face to the pounding stream. For a long while she let it wash over her face.

She wasn't sure, but she thought maybe she was crying.

Maybe mixed in with the water flowing down around her still-curvy body were more of her tears. They certainly came without warning since the diagnosis.

Time was getting away from her. She shampooed her hair and wondered if she'd have any of it left after the chemotherapy. It still thick, still dark and shiny the way it had been when she was a teenager.

Some gray had worked its way into her temples near her forehead, but for the most part it was still dark. Elizabeth thought about God, the Lord and Savior she'd spent her lifetime worshiping. Being a believer meant there'd be times like this; wasn't that what she'd learned over the years? Times nothing made sense and all she could do was dig her fingers into her faith and hold on for dear life.

It was the way she'd felt all those years ago when she and John ere in trouble, the way she'd felt when Kari's husband was killed, and again when Ashley was diagnosed with HIV. It was the way she'd felt when Hayley fell into a backyard pool last summer and came out a changed little girl. And it was the way she felt now.

God... heal me. Let them open me up and find that it's all a mistake, please, God... She hesitated, the whisper of a prayer still on her lips, the stream of water washing .the shampoo down her If not, God... then give me the strength. Please give me the strength.

Ever since the diagnosis, she'd finished her prayers that way.

because she needed strength to face the surgery and the 60 REUNION.

cancer and her family tonight as she told them the news. But because every time she prayed, God gave her the same overwhelming sense. A sense that the cancer was worse than any of them realized, that the double mastectomy would only be the beginning.

And that sometime in the not-too-far distance, she would be leaving the people she loved so much.

It was a thought that terrified her beyond words, beyond her ability to take even a single step toward tomorrow. So she prayed for strength now as much as she'd been doing, and she was sure the Lord was listening. Because somehow she was able to turn off the water, step out of the shower, and dry off.

Knowing that every step led her closer to Monday and whatever the future held.

Kari was practically bursting with the news.

She held Jessie's hand as the two of them walked toward the football field.

Jessie jabbered about the grass and the flowers and the birds overhead. "Mommy, see that birdie?"

"I do. He's pretty, isn't he?"

"He's a robin, Mommy." Jessie sounded like a cartoon character, her singsong voice small and petite the way everything about her was. "See his red. He's a robin."

"You're right, honey. Very good."

"Robins come in spring, Mommy. Pretty red robins, right?" "Yes, honey."

Kari chuckled to herself and kept them moving. Jessie was still a towhead, but her blonde hair was getting darker all the time. At two years old she looked like a miniature Kari, but she was every bit as intellectual as her father had been.

Kari gazed at the blue sky and wondered again. If Tim could see his daughter; he'd be so proud. But the truth was, his mark 61 kingsbury smalley on her life was all but gone. She was far more Ryan's little girl, a child full of life and light and her daddy's precious faith, "Daddy!" Jessie pointed at a tall figure on the sidelines of the football field.

She pulled her hand from Kari's and ran toward him, her yellow sneakers lighting up with every step, "Daddy.,. here I am, Daddy!"

Ryan was holding a practice with a few of the quarterbacks. : Spring passing leagues would begin in a few weeks, and the guys had asked him to come out and throw a few balls around. It was afternoon, but Kari didn't mind. She'd been more tired than usual, and after church she and Jessie had spent the morning cleaning Jessie's closet, while Ryan headed for the school. It wasn't until they'd finished cleaning that Kari had the idea. She needed supplies at the store, so why not pick up a pregnancy test?

Her period had been due a week ago, and her body didn't feel right. She and Jessie had done their shopping, and got home she took the test to the bathroom and stared at it. The last time she'd taken a pregnancy test, she'd dreaded results. This time would be different.

She and Ryan had wanted another baby, but month after month her period would come. They'd talk about what they be doing wrong, how maybe it wasn't the right time, or she needed vitamins, or perhaps something was wrong something left over from the football injury years ago. Whatever it was, their concern was beginning to demand some sort of plan. They had agreed to see a doctor this summer if she didn't get pregnant by then, and they'd even discussed the scenario. What if Kari couldn't get pregnant? Since Ryan still had most of his NFL earnings in a savings account, money wasn't an issue. They would do whatever they could to have a baby. In vitro fertilization, embryo mplantation, what-techniques were available.

..Kari picked up her pace so she could keep up with the fireball who was their little daughter. "Wait for Mommy, honey..."p>

62.

REUNION.

Jessie didn't turn around. Her ponytail flopped as she ran. "Daddy, here I am!"

This time he heard her. Out of all the noises on the field-a dozen voices, and the sounds of whistles and footballs being thrown and caught-he heard her and turned around. Even from fifty yards away Kari saw his face light up.

He dropped his clipboard and ran to meet her, arms out. "Hey, what's my Jessie girl doing out here?"

"Pretty robins, Daddy!"

He winked at Kari and caught Jessie as she jumped into his arms. Twice he twirled her around as fast as the wind; then he hugged her close and rubbed his nose against hers. "You and Mommy decided to get out, huh?"

"We're going swinging."

"Perfect." Ryan kissed her on the forehead and set her down. As big as he was-the tall former NFL tight end-Ryan Taylor couldn't have been more gentle with her or with Jessie.

He took the extra few steps to'Kari. "You're gonna stay for a while?"

"Yes, but-" Kari gave his arm a light tug-"come here for a minute. I have something to tell you."

A pained look flashed in his eyes. "Honey, I'd love to but-" he looked back at the fieldm"the guys can only stay another thirty minutes." His eyes found hers. "Can it wait?"

"Sure." She smiled, determined to be agreeable.

"Thanks, Kari." He gave her a quick kiss. "You're the best." He gave a light tug on Jessie's ponytail. "Go play with Mommy now, okay? I'll be done in a little while and we can all swing together."

Jessie clapped her hands. "Goody, Daddy. You can swing with me!"

Disappointment ripped at Kari as she and Jessie turned toward the swings, but she refused to let it change her mood. She could wait half an hour, couldn't she? "Ready to swing Jessie?"

63.

"Yes!" She skipped ahead, moving as fast as her little feet would carry her.

"Catch me, Mommy. Come on!"

The high school sat adjacent to the grade school, and often Kari brought Jessie here so they could play together and visit with Ryan on his breaks. This was the first time since winter that they'd made it here, and now that Jessie was older, Kari was exCited about the months of football that lay ahead.

This was how she'd always dreamed it might be-married to Ryan, raising children at home without a career to sidetrack her. She'd done only a handful of catalogue modeling shoots since fall, and even then she wondered at the wisdom of taking the jobs. They didn't need her to work, and if God might bless them with more children, modeling would have to wait. Years, maybe. "Okay, Mommy, push me!" Jessie was agile for her age and afraid of nothing. She worked herself up into one of the smaller swings, gripped the chains, and held on. "Ready!"

Kari set her purse and keys down and gave her daughter two pushes. Then she moved in front of Jessie the way she'd seen Ryan do it. She positioned herself right where Jessie's shoes were able to hit her backside, and she bent forward some. As Jessie came swinging toward her, Kari made a loud noise and began to fall forward. "Hey ... what're you doing, silly Jessie squealed with delight. "Again, Mommy! Again!"

her again and then hurried around in front of the pretending to get kicked by Jessie's yellow sneakers. Kari her backside and made a funny face. "Listen you, Miss Shoes, how come you keep kicking me?"

i:They played the game a few more times, and then Kari swept off the swing and tumbled with her in the nearby grass, her and chasing her until they both fell onto their backs, as they were standing up, Ryan came running over. like I'm missing all the fun!"

We played kick the mommy, tickle the daughter, and 64 REUNION.

chase." Kari blew at a wisp of her hair. "Now we're both tuckered OUt."

He studied them, his eyes bright, a reflection, Kari knew, of the way his heart was so full these days. She got to her feet and headed toward him. "About that thing I wanted to tell you...'!

"Oh, sorry." He pointed back at the field. "We're done practicing, but I want you to meet someone. One of my new assistants. He worked with the Cowboys back when I was a player, but his wife's mother moved here a few years ago. She's being treated for some health thing through the hospital." Ryan shrugged. "He took a break from the pros and they settled into their house a year ago. When he heard I was coaching, he followed us last season. This year he figured if I can coach a bunch of kids and enjoy it, maybe he could too."

"Okay, that's great, but first let me tell you what I-" "Remember, we had a meeting at his house last week? I told you about him that night, about his family and how his home is the way I want ours to be one day."

Kari couldn't think straight. She didn't want to talk about one of the coaches; she wanted to tell Ryan the news. She forced herself to concentrate. "Ryan, can't I meet him later? I wanted to-"

"Come on, sweetheart; it'll just take a minute. Really." He gestured toward the field again. As he did, Jessie came up and wrapped her arms around his legs.

"The guy's coming right now. Meet him and then we'll talk."

"All right." Kari managed another smile. Ryan wasn't trying to be difficult; he was only excited about having a new friend. But she could hardly wait for the moment to be over.

A good-looking man came into view, tall with dark blond hair and the familiar build Kari had seen on other football-player friends of Ryan's. Beside him was one of the players from the high school team. The boy looked like he'd been crying. "Don't ask," Ryan whispered. "I'll tell you later."

The coach and player were closer now and Ryan put his arm around Kari. "Jim Flanigan, this is my wife, Kari, and-" he 65 kingsbury smalley pried Jessie off his legs and turned her to face his assistant-"our daughter, Jessie."

Jim patted Jessie on the head and shook Kari's hand. They talked for nearly ten minutes about the pro-coaching circuit and how hard it was to never know if you'd have a job from one year to the next.

"I thought I'd miss it more." Jim smiled, and his eyes had a familiar glow. "But God's given me something new here." He shrugged. "I figured we'd stay here a year or two, untilJenny's mom could be moved to the East Coast somewhere. But a year of the pros and I can't say I miss it."

"Bloomington's not a bad place." Ryan patted the player on the shoulder and glanced at Kari. "You remember Cody? Cody He'll be a freshman next year. One of our top receiver.

"Hi, Cody." Kari smiled at him. She enjoyed this. Any other time she would've wanted the conversation to last another hour. her news was practically bursting out of her. "You've been to the house before, haven't you?"