Our Father who art in heaven, spare my life.

The walls of the silo and the light overhead swirled in dizzying patterns around him. He couldn't catch his breath. He was going to die.

"Rebecca," he gasped. "Rebecca."

A loud bang and then blackness.

Levi sat up with a start and groaned as blistering pain tore through his chest. He lay back down. All was quiet. The heart monitor bleeped in predictable cadence as he gazed around his dark hospital room.

Only a nightmare. He was still alive.

Dread filled every space in Rebecca's body as she stared at Max.

"He was working at the granary last night when he fell into the silo. Firemen worked almost two hours to pull him out," Max said.

"Is-is he hurt?" Rebecca stuttered.

"The pressure broke some ribs, and he might have a collapsed lung. Yoders say they took him to the emergency room late last night. They almost lost him."

Almost lost him.

An invisible hand clamped around Rebecca's throat.

"The boy had no business taking a second job at the grain elevators. He does not know how dangerous they are. This is what comes of setting his heart on riches," Fater said.

"He wants to save money to fix up his house," Mamm said.

"And almost got himself killed," Fater finished. He patted Rebecca on the elbow and acted as if he had already forgotten the whole affair. "Cum, I will help you put away the food."

Danny wrapped his arms around Rebecca's waist. "He fell in the grain elevator. He had to have a chest tube. Do you think he will die?"

Rebecca knew that if she spoke, she would disintegrate into dust, so she stared into Danny's eyes and shook her head.

Max marched to the closet and pulled out some work gloves. "Nathaniel is organizing some men to work on Levi's house-to see if we can get it into shape before he gets out of the hospital. I'm going over there to help."

"You have plenty of work of your own," Fater said. "Charity begins at home. The wood needs chopping, and the cows must be milked."

"I will milk," Danny said, still clinging to Rebecca.

"I'm going," said Max.

"You are fourteen, Max. You do not know how to help," Fater said.

"Why don't you come with me, Fater? We can work together. That roof is about to collapse."

Fater turned to walk into the kitchen. "Stay here and help your sister."

The muscles in Max's jaw tightened. "I am going," he said. "I do not care if you don't want me to go."

Max and Fater stared at each other for a few seconds. Fater blinked first. "Then you'll have to walk," he said.

Without another word, Max bolted out the door and slammed it behind him.

Fater shoved a finger into Danny's face. "You better be mighty sure you finish that milking." He turned on his heels and disappeared into the kitchen.

Danny burst into tears and buried his face into Rebecca's apron. "I don't want Levi to die," he said.

Still incapable of speech, Rebecca put her arm around him and stroked his hair.

"Hush, now," Mamm said. "It will turn around right, Lord willing. We will keep him in our prayers every minute." She studied Rebecca's face and furrowed her brow. "He is in God's hands."

Rebecca nodded and wiped away whatever expression alarmed Mamm. She patted Danny's head then escaped into the kitchen. Fater's indifference made it easier to keep her composure than Mamm's sympathy.

Because Fater would never see her cry again.

When night finally cast its shadow over the house, Rebecca could no longer avoid being saturated with grief. Everyone retired to bed, and the skeleton of the house creaked as other noises faded in the darkness. Lying in the blackness next to Linda, Rebecca imprisoned the sobs inside her for fear of waking her sister. Ach, how she longed to be completely alone! With no fater scrutinizing her work, no siblings demanding her care.

Afraid the feeling would smother her, she sat upright in bed. She had to get out. The toolshed was impossibly cold this time of night, so she snatched a quilt from the closet and tiptoed down the stairs to the cellar.

She spread the quilt on the cold floor and sat cross-legged on the bottom half, wrapping the rest around her shoulders and legs. Sitting perfectly still, she stared into the glowing woodstove.

She imagined Levi's athletic hands caressing the stove's door, searching for leaks. Then she pictured the shock on his face the first time she'd refused to kiss him. She loved that expression, when she threw him off balance and took his confidence down a notch. Now she had chopped his ego about as low as it could go.

Rebecca finally let the tears flow freely. Five years of pent-up heartache rolled unhindered down her face. An unexpected sob escaped her lips.

Every part of her body screamed for Levi.

He hadn't brought her a rose this morning because of the accident, but she couldn't bear the thought of his lying in the hospital not knowing how she felt.

The self-condemnation multiplied as she silently cataloged her transgressions.

She was afraid she had lost him, and even though she wanted to be strong, the pain of that possible loss overpowered her. This was exactly what she had tried so hard to avoid every day since Dottie Mae's death.

The door at the top of the stairs creaked open, and Rebecca's heart plummeted to the floor. She did not have the strength to face Fater's anger. But it was too late. She had nowhere to hide.

She swiped a hand across her eyes to clear the tears.

To her surprise, her mamm slowly lumbered down the stairs.

"Mamm? Did I wake you? I'm sorry. Cum, I'll help you back to bed."

"Nae, stay there," Mamm said. She held a lantern in one hand and the stair rail in the other. "Am I disturbing you, or would you like some company? I could get you some melatonin if you are having trouble sleeping."

"You should be in bed."

"Scoot over," Mamm said, "and I'll sit by you."

"You can't sit comfortably on the floor. We can go back to bed."

"I am feeling better tonight. I can sit."

"Fater will not like it."

"He won't know."

Reluctantly, Rebecca opened her blanket and moved over to share with her mother. Mamm set the lantern on the floor beside them and tucked herself nicely inside the quilt.

They sat in silence for several minutes, Rebecca unsure what her mother wanted and unwilling to bring up any subject that might upset her.

Mamm took Rebecca's hand and studied her face. "It wonders me," she said, "whether the sun would fall from the sky if you stopped trying to live up to everyone's expectations. If you gave up doing your duty and simply searched for happiness."

This time the emotions were already close to the surface and Rebecca was too weak to put up her guard. She burst into tears for the third time today and rested her head on Mamm's shoulder.

"I would be very selfish," she replied.

"You do not have a selfish bone in your body," Mamm said. "Everyone deserves happiness, especially my daughter. It would break my heart to see you wallow in misery your whole life." Mamm took Rebecca's face in her hands. "Be honest, heartzly. What do you want? What do you truly want?"

Rebecca cried so hard that the words came out more like a sob. "I don't want to be afraid anymore."

"What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid of losing you, like I lost Dottie Mae."

"And what about Levi?" Mamm prompted.

"If he dies, I will not be able to bear it, but even if he survives..." Rebecca took a deep breath and looked Mamm in the eyes. "Remember when Fater used to take me ice-skating? He'd hold my hand and whip me around the ice, and we'd laugh and laugh. Now all he does is criticize and hurt my feelings whenever he's home. I do not love him anymore." She averted her gaze. "Now you know my wickedness."

"Emotions are not wicked."

"What if I give my love to Levi and he rejects me? What if he turns out like Fater? What if he dies? I would rather lose him now than be hurt like that."

"I believe you love Fater, but you shield yourself against him and call it indifference."

Rebecca nodded. "That is how I have treated Levi."

"But Levi loves as if he has no fear of being hurt."

"He jumps into the pool without checking to see if it has water in it."

"Could be very painful indeed," Mamm said. She embraced Rebecca and held her tightly. "Rebecca, if there is no pain in losing someone, there is no love in life. If you hadn't loved Dottie Mae so deeply, you would not have been so sad when she died. Pain is part of love."

Mamm's shoulder was soaked with tears by the time Rebecca pulled away. "I love him, Mamm. I love him so much."

"Then go to him. Marry him."

"What if he has rejected me?"

"You might be able to change his mind," Mamm said.

"How can I leave when you need me here?"

"A true mother would never hold her child hostage. I have three other children and a capable husband who will remember his duty. And you will not be far. Levi's property is only twenty minutes by buggy. Go and be happy. That is my greatest joy."

Rebecca felt the weight of the world slip from her shoulders even as a thrill of fear ran through her veins. "I am so afraid."

"Love is only for the courageous."

Rebecca squared her shoulders. "I am very good at trying things that scare me to death."

Chapter Forty-One.

Rebecca felt like she passed several tests of bravery before she even got to Levi's room on the fourth floor. The smell of sterilized air was bad enough, but the sight of nurses and doctors in scrubs and lab coats almost sent her running for the exit. Every beep of every machine attacked her calm facade until she was a nervous wreck.

As hard as it was to be in a hospital, Rebecca's bigger worries involved Levi. Word had come early this morning that Levi's surgery was successful and he had been moved out of intensive care but would have to remain in the hospital for a few days until the chest tube could be removed. What if his accident had knocked some sense into him and he had decided to give up on her? What if he wouldn't accept her love? How was she going to approach him?

Hi. I've changed my mind. Will you marry me?

Maybe his pain medication would render him incoherent and he wouldn't remember she even visited.

Ach, she was driving herself crazy.

She quietly stepped down the hall to Levi's room. Levi's bishop and Luke Miller stood in the corridor conversing softly. Rebecca nodded to them as she passed. The door was closed, but Rebecca could see Levi through the window. His eyes were shut, but even in sleep he wore a look of discomfort on his face. Rebecca flinched. She'd give anything to see that smile again. Tubes grew from his arms and chest like dandelions, and the green lines on one monitor tracked the rhythms of his heart. She swallowed hard and clamped her eyes shut. This image of Levi in such pain would haunt her forever.

No fear. Pain is part of love.

I love him. I will accept the pain.

Preacher Zook came out of the room.

"Is it okay for me to come in?" she said quietly.

The preacher flashed a weary smile. "Jah, he is awake but heavily medicated. There is a lot of pain. A visit from a pretty girl like you will probably perk him up a bit." He walked away, looking almost too tired to lift his feet.

Rebecca clamped her fingers around the door handle, but before she could turn it, Levi's mother rushed to the door from inside Levi's room. Frowning, she nudged Rebecca back into the hall and quickly closed the door behind her.

"Rebecca. I didn't expect to see you."