MRS. HIGGINS But on what terms? Is she a servant? If not, what is she?

PICKERING [slowly] I think I know what you mean, Mrs. Higgins.

HIGGINS Well, dash me if I I do! Ive had to work at the girl every day for months to get her to her present pitch. Besides, shes useful. She knows where my things are, and remembers my appointments and so forth. do! Ive had to work at the girl every day for months to get her to her present pitch. Besides, shes useful. She knows where my things are, and remembers my appointments and so forth.

MRS. HIGGINS How does your housekeeper get on with her?

HIGGINS Mrs. Pearce? Oh, shes jolly glad to get so much taken off her hands; for before Eliza came, she used to have to find things and remind me of my appointments. But shes got some silly bee in her bonnet about Eliza. She keeps saying "You dont think, sir": doesnt she, Pick?

PICKERING Yes: thats the formula. "You dont think, sir." Thats the end of every conversation about Eliza.

HIGGINS As if I ever stop thinking about the girl and her confounded vowels and consonants. I'm worn out, thinking about her, and watching her lips and her teeth and her tongue, not to mention her soul, which is the quaintest of the lot.

MRS. HIGGINS You certainly are a pretty pair of babies, playing with your live doll.

HIGGINS Playing! The hardest job I ever tackled: make no mistake about that, mother. But you have no idea how frightfully interesting it is to take a human being and change her into a quite different human being by creating a new speech for her. It's filling up the deepest gulf that separates class from class and soul from soul.

PICKERING [drawing his chair closer to MRS. HIGGINS and bending over to her eagerly] Yes: it's enormously interesting. I assure you, Mrs. Higgins, we take Eliza very seriously. Every week-every day almost-there is some new change. Yes: it's enormously interesting. I assure you, Mrs. Higgins, we take Eliza very seriously. Every week-every day almost-there is some new change. [Closer again] [Closer again] We keep records of every stage-dozens of gramophone disks and photographs- We keep records of every stage-dozens of gramophone disks and photographs- HIGGINS [assailing her at the other ear] [assailing her at the other ear] Yes, by George: it's the most absorbing experiment I ever tackled. She regularly fills our lives up; doesnt she, Pick? Yes, by George: it's the most absorbing experiment I ever tackled. She regularly fills our lives up; doesnt she, Pick?

PICKERING We're always talking Eliza.

HIGGINS Teaching Eliza.

PICKERING Dressing Eliza.

MRS. HIGGINS What!

HIGGINS Inventing new Elizas.

11.

* Franz Lehar (1870-1948), Hungarian composer of operettas; a contemporary of Shaw. Franz Lehar (1870-1948), Hungarian composer of operettas; a contemporary of Shaw.

MRS. HIGGINS [putting her fingers in her ears, as they are by this time shouting one another down with an intolerable noise] [putting her fingers in her ears, as they are by this time shouting one another down with an intolerable noise] Sh-sh-sh-sh! Sh-sh-sh-sh! [They stop]. [They stop].

PICKERING I beg your pardon. [He draws his chair back apologetically] . [He draws his chair back apologetically] .

HIGGINS Sorry. When Pickering starts shouting nobody can get a word in edgeways.

MRS. HIGGINS Be quiet, Henry. Colonel Pickering: dont you realize that when Eliza walked into Wimpole Street, something walked in with her?

PICKERING Her father did. But Henry soon got rid of him.

MRS. HIGGINS It would have been more to the point if her mother had. But as her mother didnt something else did.

PICKERING But what?

MRS. HIGGINS [unconsciously dating herself by the word] A problem. A problem.

PICKERING Oh, I see. The problem of how to pass her off as a lady.

HIGGINS I'll solve that problem. Ive half solved it already.

MRS. HIGGINS No, you two infinitely stupid male creatures: the problem of what is to be done with her afterwards.

HIGGINS I dont see anything in that. She can go her own way, with all the advantages I have given her.

MRS. HIGGINS The advantages of that poor woman who was here just now! The manners and habits that disqualify a fine lady from earning her own living without giving her a fine lady's income! Is that what you mean?

PICKERING [indulgently, being rather bored] [indulgently, being rather bored] Oh, that will be all right, Mrs. Higgins. Oh, that will be all right, Mrs. Higgins. [He rises to go]. [He rises to go].

HIGGINS [rising also] We'll find her some light employment.

PICKERING Shes happy enough. Dont you worry about her. Good-bye. [He shakes hands as if he were consoling a frightened child, and makes for the door]. [He shakes hands as if he were consoling a frightened child, and makes for the door].

HIGGINS Anyhow, theres no good bothering now. The things done. Good-bye, mother. [He kisses her, and follows PICKERING [He kisses her, and follows PICKERING].

PICKERING [turning for a final consolation] [turning for a final consolation] There are plenty of openings. We'll do whats right. Good-bye. There are plenty of openings. We'll do whats right. Good-bye.

HIGGINS [to PICKERING as they go out together] [to PICKERING as they go out together] Let's take her to the Shakespear exhibition at Earls Court. Let's take her to the Shakespear exhibition at Earls Court.

PICKERING Yes: lets. Her remarks will be delicious.

HIGGINS She'll mimic all the people for us when we get home.

PICKERING Ripping. [Both are heard laughing as they go downstairs] . [Both are heard laughing as they go downstairs] .

MRS. HIGGINS [rises with an impatient bounce, and returns to her work at the writing-table. She sweeps a litter of disarranged papers out of her way; snatches a sheet of paper from her stationery case; and tries resolutely to write. At the third line she gives it up; flings down her pen; grips the table angrily and exclaims] [rises with an impatient bounce, and returns to her work at the writing-table. She sweeps a litter of disarranged papers out of her way; snatches a sheet of paper from her stationery case; and tries resolutely to write. At the third line she gives it up; flings down her pen; grips the table angrily and exclaims] Oh, men! men!! men!!! Oh, men! men!! men!!!

ACT IV.

The Wimpole Street laboratory. Midnight. Nobody in the room. The clock on the mantelpiece strikes twelve. The fire is not alight: it is a summer night.Presently Higgins and Pickering are heard on the stairs.

HIGGINS [calling down to PICKERING] I say, Pick: lock up, will you. I shant be going out again.

PICKERING Right. Can Mrs. Pearce go to bed? We dont want anything more, do we?

HIGGINS Lord, no!

ELIZA opens the door and is seen on the lighted landing in opera cloak, brilliant evening dress, and diamonds, with fan, flowers, and all acces- , sories. She comes to the hearth, and switches on the electric lights there. She is tired: her pallor contrasts strongly with her dark eyes and hair; and her expression is almost tragic. She takes off her cloak; puts her fan and flowers on the piano; and sits down on the bench, brooding and silent. HIGGINS, in evening dress, with overcoat and hat, comes in, carrying a smoking jackethi which he has picked up downstairs. He takes off the hat and overcoat; throws them carelessly on the newspaper stand; disposes of his coat in the same way; puts on the smoking jacket; and throws himself wearily into the easy-chair at the hearth. PICKERING, similarly attired, comes in. He also takes off his hat and overcoat, and is about to throw them on HIGGINS's when he hesitates. which he has picked up downstairs. He takes off the hat and overcoat; throws them carelessly on the newspaper stand; disposes of his coat in the same way; puts on the smoking jacket; and throws himself wearily into the easy-chair at the hearth. PICKERING, similarly attired, comes in. He also takes off his hat and overcoat, and is about to throw them on HIGGINS's when he hesitates.

PICKERING I say: Mrs. Pearce will row if we leave these things lying about in the drawing-room.

HIGGINS Oh, chuck them over the bannisters into the hall. She'll find them there in the morning and put them away all right. She'll think we were drunk.

PICKERING We are, slightly. Are there any letters?

HIGGINS I didnt look. [PICKERING takes the overcoats and hats and goes downstairs. HIGGINS begins half singing half yawning an air from La Fanciulla del Golden West. 12 12 Suddenly he stops and exclaims] I wonder where the devil my slippers are! Suddenly he stops and exclaims] I wonder where the devil my slippers are!

ELIZA looks at him darkly; then rises suddenly and leaves the room.

HIGGINS yawns again, and resumes his song.

PICKERING returns, with the contents of the letter-box in his hand.

PICKERING Only circulars, and this coroneted billet-douxhj for you. for you. [He throws the circulars into the fender, and posts himself on the hearthrug, with his back to the grate [He throws the circulars into the fender, and posts himself on the hearthrug, with his back to the grate].

HIGGINS [glancing at the billet-doux] [glancing at the billet-doux] Money-lender. Money-lender. [He throws the letter after the circulars]. [He throws the letter after the circulars].

ELIZA returns with a pair of large down-at-heel slippers. She places them on the carpet before HIGGINS, and sits as before without a word.

HIGGINS [yawnins again [yawnins again] Oh Lord! What an evening! What a crew! What a silly tomfoollery! [He raises his shoe to unlace it, and catches sight of the slippers. He stops unlacing and looks at them as if they had appeared there of their own accord]. Oh! theyre [He raises his shoe to unlace it, and catches sight of the slippers. He stops unlacing and looks at them as if they had appeared there of their own accord]. Oh! theyre there, are they? there, are they?

PICKERING [stretching himself [stretching himself] Well, I feel a bit tired. It's been a long day. The garden party, a dinner party, and the opera! Rather too much of a good thing. But you've won your bet, Higgins. Eliza did the trick, and something to spare, eh?

HIGGINS [fervently] Thank God it's over!

ELIZA flinches violently; but they take no notice of her; and she recovers herself and sits stonily as before.

PICKERING Were you nervous at the garden party? I I was. Eliza didnt seem a bit nervous. was. Eliza didnt seem a bit nervous.

HIGGINS Oh, she wasnt nervous. I knew she'd be all right. No: it's the strain of putting the job through all these months that has told on me. It was interesting enough at first, while we were at the phonetics; but after that I got deadly sick of it. If I hadnt backed myself to do it I should have chucked the whole thing up two months ago. It was a silly notion: the whole thing has been a bore.

PICKERING Oh come! the garden party was frightfully exciting. My heart began beating like anything.

HIGGINS Yes, for the first three minutes. But when I saw we were going to win hands down, I felt like a bear in a cage, hanging about doing nothing. The dinner was worse: sitting gorging there for over an hour, with nobody but a damned fool of a fashionable woman to talk to! I tell you, Pickering, never again for me. No more artificial duchesses. The whole thing has been simple purgatory.

PICKERING Youve never been broken in properly to the social routine. [Strolling over to the piano] [Strolling over to the piano] I rather enjoy dipping into it occasionally myself: it makes me feel young again. Anyhow, it was a great success: an immense success. I was quite frightened once or twice because Eliza was doing it so well. You see, lots of the real people cant do it at all: theyre such fools that they think style comes by nature to people in their position; and so they never learn. Theres always something professional about doing a thing superlatively well. I rather enjoy dipping into it occasionally myself: it makes me feel young again. Anyhow, it was a great success: an immense success. I was quite frightened once or twice because Eliza was doing it so well. You see, lots of the real people cant do it at all: theyre such fools that they think style comes by nature to people in their position; and so they never learn. Theres always something professional about doing a thing superlatively well.

HIGGINS Yes: thats what drives me mad: the silly people dont know their own silly business.hk [Rising] [Rising] However, it's over and done with; and now I can go to bed at last without dreading tomorrow. However, it's over and done with; and now I can go to bed at last without dreading tomorrow.

ELIZA's beauty becomes murderous.

PICKERING I think I shall turn in too. Still, it's been a great occasion: a triumph for you. Good-night. [He goes]. [He goes].

HIGGINS [following him] Good-night. [Over his shoulder, Good-night. [Over his shoulder, at at the door] Put out the lights, Eliza; and tell Mrs. Pearce not to make coffee for me in the morning: I'll take tea. the door] Put out the lights, Eliza; and tell Mrs. Pearce not to make coffee for me in the morning: I'll take tea. [He goes out]. ELIZA tries to control herself and feel indifferent as she rises and walks across to the hearth to switch off the lights. By the time she gets there she is on the point of screaming. She sits down in Higgins's chair and holds on hard to the arms. Finally she gives way and flings herself furiously on the floor raging. [He goes out]. ELIZA tries to control herself and feel indifferent as she rises and walks across to the hearth to switch off the lights. By the time she gets there she is on the point of screaming. She sits down in Higgins's chair and holds on hard to the arms. Finally she gives way and flings herself furiously on the floor raging.

HIGGINS [in despairing wrath outside [in despairing wrath outside] What the devil have I done with my slippers? [He appears at the door [He appears at the door] . .

LIZA [snatching up the slippers, and hurling them at him one after the other with all her force] [snatching up the slippers, and hurling them at him one after the other with all her force] There are your slippers. And there. Take your slippers; and may you never have a day's luck with them! There are your slippers. And there. Take your slippers; and may you never have a day's luck with them!

HIGGINS [astounded] What on earth-! [He comes to her]. [He comes to her]. Whats the matter? Get up. Whats the matter? Get up. [He pulls her up]. [He pulls her up]. Anything wrong? Anything wrong?

LIZA [breathless] [breathless] Nothing wrong-with you. Ive won your bet for you, havnt I? Thats enough for you. Nothing wrong-with you. Ive won your bet for you, havnt I? Thats enough for you. I I dont matter, I suppose. dont matter, I suppose.

HIGGINS You won my bet! You! Presumptuous insect! I I won it. What did you throw those slippers at me for? won it. What did you throw those slippers at me for?

LIZA Because I wanted to smash your face. I'd like to kill you, you selfish brute. Why didnt you leave me where you picked me out of-in the gutter?You thank God it's all over, and that now you can throw me back again there, do you? [She crisps her fingers frantically [She crisps her fingers frantically].

HIGGINS [looking at her in cool wonder] [looking at her in cool wonder] The creature The creaturehl i s nervous, after all. i s nervous, after all.

LIZA [gives a suffocated scream of fury, and instinctively darts her nails at his face]!!

HIGGINS [catching her wrists] [catching her wrists] Ah! would you? Claws in, you cat. How dare you shew your temper to me? Sit down and be quiet. Ah! would you? Claws in, you cat. How dare you shew your temper to me? Sit down and be quiet. [He throws her roughly into the easy-chair]. [He throws her roughly into the easy-chair].

LIZA [crushed by superior strength and weight [crushed by superior strength and weight] Whats to become of me? Whats to become of me?

HIGGINS How the devil do I know whats to become of you? What does it matter what becomes of you?

LIZA You dont care. I know you dont care. You wouldnt care if I was dead. I'm nothing to you-not so much as them slippers.

HIGGINS [thundering] Those slippers.

LIZA [with bitter submission] [with bitter submission] Those slippers. I didnt think it made any difference now. Those slippers. I didnt think it made any difference now.

A pause. ELIZA hopeless and crushed. HIGGINS a little uneasy.

HIGGINS [in his loftiest manner] [in his loftiest manner] Why have you begun going on like this? May I ask whether you complain of your treatment here? Why have you begun going on like this? May I ask whether you complain of your treatment here?

LIZA No.

HIGGINS Has anybody behaved badly to you? Colonel Pickering ? Mrs. Pearce? Any of the servants?

LIZA No.

HIGGINS I presume you dont pretend that I have treated you badly.

LIZA No.

HIGGINS I am glad to hear it. [He moderates his tone]. [He moderates his tone]. Perhaps youre tired after the strain of the day. Will you have a glass of champagne? Perhaps youre tired after the strain of the day. Will you have a glass of champagne? [He moves towards the door [He moves towards the door].

LIZA No. [Recollecting her manners] [Recollecting her manners] Thank you. Thank you.

HIGGINS [good-humored again [good-humored again] This has been coming on you for some days. I suppose it was natural for you to be anxious about the garden party. But thats all over now [He pats her kindly on the shoulder. She writhes]. [He pats her kindly on the shoulder. She writhes]. Theres nothing more to worry about. Theres nothing more to worry about.