HIGGINS What they think they ought to think is bad enough, Lord knows; but what they really think would break up the whole show. Do you suppose it would be really agreeable if I were to come out now with what I I really think? really think?

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [gaily] Is it so very cynical?

HIGGINS Cynical! Who the dickens said it was cynical? I mean it wouldnt be decent.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [seriously] Oh! I'm sure you dont mean that, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS You see, we're all savages, more or less. We're supposed to be civilized and cultured-to know all about poetry and philosophy and art and science, and so on; but how many of us know even the meanings of these names? [To MISS HILL] [To MISS HILL] What do you know of poetry? [ What do you know of poetry? [To MRS. HILL] What do you know of science? [Indicating FREDDY] [Indicating FREDDY] What does he know of art or science or anything else? What the devil do you imagine I know of philosophy? What does he know of art or science or anything else? What the devil do you imagine I know of philosophy?

MRS. HIGGINS [warningly] Or of manners, Henry?

THE PARLOR-MAID [opening the door] [opening the door] Miss Doolittle. [ Miss Doolittle. [She withdraws].

HIGGINS [rising hastily and running to MRS. HIGGINS] Here she is, mother. [He stands on tiptoe and makes signs over his mother's head to ELIZA to indicate to her which lady is her hostess].

ELIZA, who is exquisitely dressed, produces an impression of such remarkable distinction and beauty as she enters that they all rise, quite fluttered. Guided by HIGGINS's signals, she comes to MRS. HIGGINS with studied grace. with studied grace.

LIZA [speaking with pedantic correctness of pronunciation and great beauty of tone] How do you do, Mrs. Higgins? Higgins? [She gasps slightly in making sure of the H in Higgins, but is quite successful]. [She gasps slightly in making sure of the H in Higgins, but is quite successful]. Mr. Higgins told me I might come. Mr. Higgins told me I might come.

MRS. HIGGINS [cordially] [cordially] Quite right: I'm very glad indeed to see you. Quite right: I'm very glad indeed to see you.

PICKERING How do you do, Miss Doolittle?

LIZA [shaking hands with him] [shaking hands with him] Colonel Pickering, is it not? Colonel Pickering, is it not?

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL I feel sure we have met before, Miss Doolittle. I remember your eyes.

LIZA How do you do? [She sits down on the ottoman gracefully in the place just left vacant by Higgins [She sits down on the ottoman gracefully in the place just left vacant by Higgins].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [introducing My daughter Clara. My daughter Clara.

LIZA How do you do?

CLARA [impulsively] How do you do? [She sits down on the ottoman beside Eliza, devouring her with her eyes]. [She sits down on the ottoman beside Eliza, devouring her with her eyes].

FREDDY [coming to their side of the ottoman] Ive certainly had the pleasure.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [introducing] My son Freddy.

LIZA How do you do?

FREDDY bows and sits down in the Elizabethan chair, infatuated.

HIGGINS [suddenly] [suddenly] By George, yes: it all comes back to me! [ By George, yes: it all comes back to me! [They stare at him]. Covent Garden! [Lamentably] What a damned thing!

MRS. HIGGINS Henry, please! [He is about to sit on the edge of the table]. Dont sit on my writing-table: youll break it. Dont sit on my writing-table: youll break it.

HIGGINS [sulkily] [sulkily] Sorry. Sorry.

He goes to the divan, stumbling into the fender and over the fire-irons on his way; extricating himself with muttered imprecations; and finishing his disastrous journey by throwing himself so impatiently on the divan that he almost breaks it. MRS. HIGGINS looks at him, but controls herself and says nothing.

A long and painful pause ensues.

MRS. HIGGINS [at last, conversationally] Will it rain, do you think?

LIZA The shallow depressionhe in the west of these islands is likely to move slowly in an easterly direction. There are no indications of any great change in the barometrical situation. in the west of these islands is likely to move slowly in an easterly direction. There are no indications of any great change in the barometrical situation.

FREDDY Ha! ha! how awfully funny!

LIZA What is wrong with that, young man? I bet I got it right.

FREDDY Killing!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL I'm sure I hope it wont turn cold. Theres so much influenza about. It runs right through our whole family regularly every spring.

LIZA [darkly] My aunt died of influenza: so they said.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [clicks her tongue sympathetically [clicks her tongue sympathetically]!!!

LIZA [in the same tragic tone] But it's my belief they done the old woman in.

MRS. HIGGINS [puzzled] Done her in?

LIZA Y-e-e-e-es, Lord love you! Why should she die of influenza ? She come through diphtheria right enough the year before. I saw her with my own eyes. Fairly blue with it, she was. They all thought she was dead; but my father he kept ladling gin down her throat til she came to so sudden that she bit the bowl off the spoon.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [startled] Dear me!

LIZA [piling up the indictment] What call would a woman with that strength in her have to die of influenza? What become of her new straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it; and what I say is, them as pinched it done her in.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL What does doing her in mean?

HIGGINS [hastily] Oh, thats the new small talk. To do a person in means to kill them.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to ELIZA, horrified] You surely dont believe that your aunt was killed?

LIZA Do I not! Them she lived with would have killed her for a hat-pin, let alone a hat.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL But it cant have been right for your father to pour spirits down her throat like that. It might have killed her.

LIZA Not her. Gin was mother's milk to her. Besides, he'd poured so much down his own throat that he knew the good of it.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL Do you mean that he drank?

LIZA Drank! My word! Something chronic.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL How dreadful for you!

LIZA Not a bit. It never did him no harm what I could see. But then he did not keep it up regular. [Cheerfully] On the burst, as you might say, from time to time. And always more agreeable when he had a drop in. When he was out of work, my mother used to give him fourpence and tell him to go out and not come back until he'd drunk himself cheerful and loving-like. Theres lots of women has to make their husbands drunk to make them fit to live with. [Now quite at her ease] You see, it's like this. If a man has a bit of a conscience, it always takes him when he's sober; and then it makes him low-spirited. A drop of booze just takes that off and makes him happy. [To FREDDY, who is in convulsions of suppressed laughter FREDDY, who is in convulsions of suppressed laughter] Here! what are you sniggering at?

FREDDY The new small talk. You do it so awfully well.

LIZA If I was doing it proper, what was you laughing at? [To HIGGINS HIGGINS] Have I said anything I oughtnt?

MRS. HIGGINS [interposing] [interposing] Not at all, Miss Doolittle. Not at all, Miss Doolittle.

LIZA Well, thats a mercy, anyhow. [Expansively] What I always say is- HIGGINS [ [rising and looking at his watch] Ahem!

LIZA [ [looking round at him; taking the hint; and rising] Well: I must go must go. [ [They all rise. FREDDY goes to the door]. So pleased to have met you. Good-bye. [ have met you. Good-bye. [She shakes hands with MRS. HIGGINS ]. ].

MRS. HIGGINS Good-bye.

LIZA Good-bye, Colonel Pickering.

PICKERING Good-bye, Miss Doolittle. [They shake hands].

LIZA [nodding to the others] Good-bye, all. to the others] Good-bye, all.

FREDDY [opening the door for her] Are you walking across the Park, Miss Doolittle? If so- LIZA Walk! Not bloody10 likely. [ likely. [Sensation]. I am going in a taxi. [She goes out].

PICKERING gasps and sits down. FREDDY goes out on the balcony to catch another glimpse of ELIZA.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [suffering from shock] Well, I really cant get used to the new ways. shock] Well, I really cant get used to the new ways.

CLARA [throwing herself discontentedly into the Elizabethan chair] Oh, it's all right, mamma, quite right. People will think we never go anywhere or see anybody if you are so old-fashioned.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL I daresay I am very old-fashioned; but I do hope you wont begin using that expression, Clara. I have got accustomed to hear you talking about men as rotters, hf hf and calling everything filthy and beastly; and calling everything filthy and beastly;hg though I do think it horrible and unladylike. But this last is really too much. Dont you think so, Colonel Pickering? though I do think it horrible and unladylike. But this last is really too much. Dont you think so, Colonel Pickering?

PICKERING Dont ask me. Ive been away in India for several years; and manners have changed so much that I sometimes dont know whether I'm at a respectable dinner-table or in a ship's forecastle.hh CLARA It's all a matter of habit. Theres no right or wrong in it. Nobody means anything by it. And it's so quaint, and gives such a smart emphasis to things that are not in themselves very witty. I find the new small talk delightful and quite innocent.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [risins] [risins] Well, after that, I think it's time for us to go. Well, after that, I think it's time for us to go.

PICKERING and HIGGINS rise.

CLARA [rising] Oh yes: we have three at-homes to go to still. Good-bye, Mrs. Higgins. Good-bye, Colonel Pickering. Good-bye, Professor Higgins.

HIGGINS [coming grimly at her from the divan, and accompanying her to the door] [coming grimly at her from the divan, and accompanying her to the door] Good-bye. Be sure you try on that small talk at the three at-homes. Dont be nervous about it. Pitch it in strong. Good-bye. Be sure you try on that small talk at the three at-homes. Dont be nervous about it. Pitch it in strong.

CLARA [all smiles] [all smiles] I will. Good-bye. Such nonsense, all this early Victorian prudery! I will. Good-bye. Such nonsense, all this early Victorian prudery!

HIGGINS [tempting her] [tempting her] Such damned nonsense! Such damned nonsense!

CLARA Such bloody nonsense!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [convulsively] [convulsively] Clara! Clara!

CLARA Ha! ha! [She goes out radiant, conscious of being thoroughly up to date, and is heard descending the stairs in a stream of silvery laughter]. [She goes out radiant, conscious of being thoroughly up to date, and is heard descending the stairs in a stream of silvery laughter].

FREDDY [to the heavens at large] [to the heavens at large] Well, I ask you- Well, I ask you-[He gives it up, up, and comes to MRS. HIGGINS]. and comes to MRS. HIGGINS]. Good-bye. Good-bye.

MRS. HIGGINS [shaking hands] [shaking hands] Good-bye. Would you like to meet Miss Doolittle again? Good-bye. Would you like to meet Miss Doolittle again?

FREDDY [eagerly] Yes, I should, most awfully.

MRS. HIGGINS Well, you know my days.

FREDDY Yes. Thanks awfully. Good-bye. [He goes out]. [He goes out].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL Good-bye, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS Good-bye. Good-bye.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to PICKERING] [to PICKERING] It's no use. I shall never be able to bring myself to use that word. It's no use. I shall never be able to bring myself to use that word.

PICKERING Dont. It's not compulsory, you know. Youll get on quite well without it.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL Only, Clara is so down on me if I am not positively reeking with the latest slang. Good-bye.

PICKERING Good-bye [They shake hands]. [They shake hands].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to MRS. HIGGINS] You mustnt mind Clara. [PICKERING, catching from her lowered tone that this is not meant for him to hear, discreetly joins HIGGINS at the window]. [PICKERING, catching from her lowered tone that this is not meant for him to hear, discreetly joins HIGGINS at the window]. We're so poor! and she gets so few parties, poor child! She doesnt quite know. We're so poor! and she gets so few parties, poor child! She doesnt quite know. [MRS. HIGGINS, seeing that her eyes are moist, takes her hand sympathetically and goes with her to the door]. [MRS. HIGGINS, seeing that her eyes are moist, takes her hand sympathetically and goes with her to the door]. But the boy is nice. Dont you think so? But the boy is nice. Dont you think so?

MRS. HIGGINS Oh, quite nice. I shall always be delighted to see him.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL Thank you, dear. Good-bye. [She goes out [She goes out].

HIGGINS [eagerly] [eagerly] Well? Is Eliza presentable Well? Is Eliza presentable [he swoops on his mother and drags her to the ottoman, where she sits down in ELIZA's place with her son on her left [he swoops on his mother and drags her to the ottoman, where she sits down in ELIZA's place with her son on her left]?

PICKERING returns to his chair on her right.

MRS. HIGGINS You silly boy, of course shes not presentable. Shes a triumph of your art and of her dressmaker's; but if you suppose for a moment that she doesnt give herself away in every sentence she utters, you must be perfectly cracked about her.

PICKERING But dont you think something might be done? I mean something to eliminate the sanguinary element from her conversation.

MRS. HIGGINS Not as long as she is in Henry's hands.

HIGGINS [aggrieved] [aggrieved] Do you mean that my language is improper ? Do you mean that my language is improper ?

MRS. HIGGINS No, dearest: it would be quite proper-say on a canal barge; but it would not be proper for her at a garden party.

HIGGINS [deeply injured] [deeply injured] Well I must say- Well I must say- PICKERING [interrupting him] [interrupting him] Come, Higgins: you must learn to know yourself. I havnt heard such language as yours since we used to review the volunteers in Hyde Park twenty years ago. Come, Higgins: you must learn to know yourself. I havnt heard such language as yours since we used to review the volunteers in Hyde Park twenty years ago.

HIGGINS [sulkily] [sulkily] Oh, well, if you say so, I suppose I dont always talk like a bishop. Oh, well, if you say so, I suppose I dont always talk like a bishop.

MRS. HIGGINS [quieting Henry with a touch] Colonel Pickering: will you tell me what is the exact state of things in Wimpole Street? Colonel Pickering: will you tell me what is the exact state of things in Wimpole Street?

PICKERING [cheerfully: as if this completely changed the subject] Well, I have come to live there with Henry. We work together at my Indian Dialects; and we think it more convenient- Well, I have come to live there with Henry. We work together at my Indian Dialects; and we think it more convenient- MRS. HIGGINS Quite so. I know all about that: it's an excellent arrangement. But where does this girl live?

HIGGINS With us, of course. Where would she live?