Unfortunately my time with Courtney and Jade was cut short because I was delayed by a traffic jam. We had an hour and a half together, and Courtney was her usual bubbly self and Jade seemed a bit more positive. She said she'd made friends with a girl in the flat next door. Her name was Tracy and she was the same age as Jade and had a six-month-old son. I was pleased Jade had made a friend, although I was a little concerned that, from what Jade told me, Tracy, like Jade, was anti-Gra.s.slands. They seemed to see themselves as inmates in a penitentiary rather than lucky girls being given a lot of help and a second chance to keep their babies.

'But we escape sometimes!' Jade announced proudly, referring to when she and Tracy left Gra.s.slands. 'Once we've done all our ch.o.r.es we go into the village.'

'That sounds nice,' I said, bouncing Courtney on my lap. 'I drive through the village on my way here. It's very pretty. Have you seen the duck pond and those lovely little thatched cottages?'

'Na,' Jade said. 'We go to the village shop for our f.a.gs.'

'f.a.gs?' I asked in dismay, glancing up from Courtney. 'Jade, you're supposed to have stopped smoking and you're not allowed to smoke here.'

'We don't smoke in the building; it's fire-alarmed,' she said, surprised I should even think this. 'But they can't stop us outside.'

'Do Rachel and Tyler know you've started smoking again?' I asked.

Jade shook her head. 'Na, and don't tell them, will you?'

'Exactly, Jade!' I said, not pleased. 'The reason you don't want me to tell Rachel and Tyler is because you know they'd be very disappointed. Why start again? It's bad for your health and very expensive. Your budget is stretched to the limit as it is.'

'I know,' Jade said, with a small down-hearted shrug. 'But it's only a packet a week and I need something to keep me sane here. We're not allowed to go to the pub or bring back drink here.'

'No, and don't be tempted to break that rule or you will be in trouble,' I warned.

'Of course I won't.' I hoped she was telling the truth.

'Jade, Tracy is a nice girl, isn't she?' I asked. 'I mean, the two of you are not going to get into trouble, are you?'

'That's what Rachel asked,' Jade said indignantly and a little angry. 'Why don't any of you trust me?'

'We do,' I said. I left rest of my thoughts unspoken.

Until school broke up for the summer holidays I continued to visit Jade every Monday. Sometimes we stayed in the flat and other times, if the weather was good, we went for a walk or sat in the garden with Courtney. I always took a bag of 'goodies', as Jade called them. As well as the biscuits, cakes and chocolate Jade ordered by text, I added some essential items like nappies and tissues, and also some fruit and vegetables, which seemed to have disappeared from Jade's diet. I met Tracy briefly a couple of times on my way in and out of Jade's flat and she seemed a pleasant girl, although a little immature. She giggled a lot and on one occasion seemed to think it was funny that she'd spent the last of her allowance for the week on having her tongue pierced, and therefore didn't have enough for nappies or food. Jade seemed to be managing on her budget (helped by the 'food parcels' from her mother and me) and she gave some of the nappies and food I'd brought to Tracy. I didn't mind; I felt sorry for Tracy. Jade had told me she'd been abused as a child by her stepfather, and when her mother and her new partner had found out she was pregnant they'd thrown her out of her home, so she was now completely alone in the world.

Jade also told me that Tyler was now working two days a week on a market stall. He was hoping to be taken on as an apprentice mechanic in September, if he got the exam results he needed. I'd always felt Tyler was a good influence on Jade and the fact that he was now seeing Jade and Courtney three times a week seemed to bode well. Sometimes he went to Gra.s.slands, where he and Jade made lunch together, and sometimes they met halfway between Gra.s.slands and where he lived. A couple of times Jade took Courtney on the bus to see his mother, whom Jade had now forgiven for not being able to adopt Courtney. Jade also visited her own mother, but usually Jackie came to Gra.s.slands; sometimes she brought one or more of Jade's siblings with her, but never all four at once.

When school broke up at the end of July I visited Jade on the Sundays Adrian and Paula were out with their father two in August. The child I was fostering had weekend contact at that time. At the end of August I took the children on holiday to the coast and we had a lovely time. The first weekend in September, just before the schools returned, I suggested to Adrian and Paula they might like to come with me to see Jade and Courtney. I was more confident that Jade was on track for completing a successful parenting a.s.sessment and therefore being able to keep Courtney. Paula was delighted at the prospect of seeing Jade and Courtney again, and Adrian was amenable to the idea. I suggested to Jade we go out for Sunday lunch my treat and she asked if Tyler could join us. I said of course he could, which resulted in Adrian being as enthusiastic at the outing as Paula was. I said I would arrange to collect Tyler in the car en route to Gra.s.slands.

Sunday was another lovely sunny day and Tyler was as pleased to see us as we were to see him. He sat in the pa.s.senger seat in the front of the car but spent most of the journey swivelled round talking to Adrian and Paula. He asked Adrian and Paula if they'd had a nice holiday, told them about his job on the market, and his apprenticeship; then he talked about school and the new term and how important it was for Adrian and Paula to work hard. I was listening as I drove. He said he'd got the exam results he needed to start his apprenticeship and I congratulated him, saying it was a big achievement considering everything else that had been going on in his life. Tyler said he was going to work very hard in his apprenticeship so that eventually he would be able to earn enough money to support Jade and Courtney so that they could live together as a family.

When we arrived at Gra.s.slands Jade was already waiting outside, at the front of the building, with Courtney. She was pleased to see Adrian and Paula and let Paula push the stroller. I didn't know if Courtney remembered Adrian and Paula, but she might have done for she kept staring at Adrian, although that could have been because of the funny faces he and Tyler were pulling to make her chuckle. We walked in pairs along the narrow country path into the village, where we had lunch in the garden of the pub. Tyler and Jade ordered soft drinks as I did and I was pleased that Jade didn't creep off for a cigarette after we'd eaten. It was a lovely day and I left feeling very positive.

School began again in September and I resumed visiting Jade on Mondays. With no feedback from Rachel I could only a.s.sess Jade's progress on what I saw and from what Jade told me, and I thought she was doing well. She'd been cooking regular meals for her and Courtney and had taken Courtney to the clinic regularly to be weighed and measured. There had been a few minor incidents at Gra.s.slands when the staff had had to speak to Jade, but it was no more than typical teenage behaviour. A couple of times she was told to turn down her music, as it had woken the baby in the flat above, and on other occasions she'd been asked to tidy the laundry room after using it. I guessed the laundry room probably looked like my bathroom after Jade had been in there. Jade also told me that she'd received a caution from the police in respect of the previous shoplifting incident at the mall and she appreciated how lenient they'd been as she could have received a custodial sentence. Possibly leniency had been shown because she was trying hard to be a reformed character and had a baby, but I didn't know.

However, at the beginning of October by which time Jade had been at Gra.s.slands for three months the optimism I had increasingly been feeling was shattered.

I arrived at Gra.s.slands on Monday morning with the usual bags of goodies for Jade and Tracy, and pressed the security b.u.t.ton. I expected Jade to answer more or less straightaway, for I'd got into the habit of texting her an estimated time of arrival and updating it by text if I was delayed. Today she didn't answer straightaway, and I pressed the bell again and waited some more. Then a voice came through the grid and it wasn't Jade.

'h.e.l.lo, Cathy. It's Rachel. You can come up.' The intercom switched off and the door clicked open.

I immediately knew something was wrong. Rachel wasn't due to see Jade again until the following week, and since Jade had been at Gra.s.slands she hadn't made any unannounced visits, as the staff covered that role. Rachel's voice had sounded flat and serious, and I thought there must have been an emergency of some kind. With my heart pounding and my fears for Courtney's and Jade's safety mounting, I ran up the stairs and round the corner to Jade's flat. I knocked on the door and a few moments later Rachel opened it.

'Come in, Cathy,' she said sombrely. 'It's nice to see you again.'

She disappeared into the lounge. I closed the door and followed her in. Erica, who I knew to be the manager of Gra.s.slands, was sitting on the sofa. As I entered, she looked up and smiled a weak h.e.l.lo. Jade was sitting beside her in tears and Courtney was nowhere to be seen. 'Where's Courtney?' I asked anxiously, looking around.

'Having a sleep,' Erica said, nodding to the closed bedroom door behind me. 'Don't worry, she's all right now.' The 'now' did nothing to rea.s.sure me.

'What happened?' I asked, as Rachel pulled up a chair for me.

'There was a bit of an upset here last night,' Erica said. 'It resulted in Courtney having to go to hospital.'

'But she's all right?' I asked, very worried. Jade had her head down and couldn't bear to look at me. She was sniffing and wiping her eyes with a tissue.

'Do you want me to tell Cathy?' Erica asked Jade. 'You said Cathy could come up and join us, so I'm a.s.suming you don't mind her knowing?'

Jade shrugged. 'If you want to.'

'I'll take that as yes,' Erica said formally. Then looking at me: 'Late last night Courtney fell off the work surface in the kitchen and cut her forehead. She needed two st.i.tches and the hospital checked her for concussion. I collected them from the hospital and we got back here just after five o'clock.'

'But Courtney is all right?' I asked again.

'It could have been worse,' Erica said stiffly.

'What was she doing on the work surface?' I asked, for clearly it was an odd place for her to be, especially at night.

'I put her there,' Jade said, finally looking at me, and clearly annoyed with her own stupidity. 'It's my fault I put her there and she fell off. I didn't know she was going to move, did I?'

I looked from Jade to Erica and Rachel. Although it was a silly thing to do, the atmosphere in the room suggested there was more to it than an unfortunate accident. There was silence before Rachel spoke.

'Jade put Courtney on the work surface while she opened a can of beer,' Rachel said evenly. 'Tracy and she had been drinking and when Courtney woke Jade took her out of her cot and carried her into the kitchen. With her judgement impaired by alcohol, she sat Courtney on the work surface while she opened another can of beer. As a result Courtney tumbled off and was injured.'

I stared in silence at Rachel as the wider implications of what had happened hit me.

'And Jason, Tracy's son,' Rachel added, 'was left alone in his cot in the flat next door.'

'Tracy checked on him!' Jade blurted angrily, her eyes flashing. 'He was asleep.'

Fear gripped me as I looked from Jade to Rachel and then to Erica. The girls knew the rules at Gra.s.slands and they knew they were in place for everyone's safety. They'd broken the rules and Courtney had been hurt.

'We never leave our babies unattended in our flats,' Erica said seriously, turning to look at Jade. 'These flats represent independent living and you never leave a baby or young child alone in a flat or house here or anywhere.'

'They're going to take Tracy's baby,' Jade blurted through fresh tears. 'They're taking Jason and it's not fair.'

I stared at Jade and hoped she was wrong. Then Rachel spoke: 'Tracy has already left Gra.s.slands. A member of staff here is looking after Jason until the foster carer arrives.'

I went cold and saw the pain and fear on Jade's face. I'd got to know Tracy through visiting Jade and my heart ached for her. She had no home of her own to go to, no parents to support her, and now she'd lost the one person who mattered in her life her son. And while I knew the decision to remove her baby wouldn't have been taken lightly, I feared for Tracy's safety; she'd confided in Jade that if she ever lost Jason her life wouldn't be worth living.

'Tracy's social worker will be seeing Tracy later today,' Rachel added, by way of rea.s.surance.

I nodded dumbly. I could see that Erica and Rachel were struggling with the decisions they were having to make, and I knew I had to stay focused on Jade and help her all I could.

'Until now Jade's been doing very well at Gra.s.slands, hasn't she?' I said, looking at Rachel and Erica. 'She's established a good routine for Courtney; she's taken her to the clinic regularly, and Courtney is always clean and nicely dressed.'

'Jade has been making progress, yes,' Rachel said. 'It's a pity she's so easily led.' Which of course had always been Jade's problem.

'I'm sorry,' Jade said through more tears, all anger now gone. 'I'm sorry. I won't do it again, I promise. I know I acted stupidly. Please give me another chance?'

I heard the desperation in her plea and, not knowing what had been said before I'd arrived, I looked at Rachel. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I asked: 'You're not going to take Courtney into care now, are you?'

Rachel took a deep breath. 'Not now. I'm meeting my manager this afternoon.'

'Gra.s.slands doesn't suit everyone,' Erica added. My fears grew, for I knew that Jade losing Courtney had just taken a big step closer.

'Oh, Jade,' I said quietly under my breath, feeling my eyes mist.

No one said anything for a while and an eerie silence weighed heavily in the room. My thoughts circled as I tried to think of suggestions that might help Jade to keep Courtney, maybe a possible alternative to living at Gra.s.slands, but Gra.s.slands had been the only alternative and Jade's last chance. And Jade knew that.

The silence was broken by the bleep of an incoming text message. Erica took her phone from her pocket and, having read the message, looked at Rachel. 'I have to go now,' she said. 'The foster carer has arrived for Jason.'

My heart clenched and Jade's tears flowed.

'I'll see you downstairs in a minute,' Rachel said to Erica.

Erica stood and nodding a goodbye left the room, presumably to supervise the handing over of Jason to the foster carer. I thought of Tracy and swallowed hard.

We were silent again; then without looking up, Jade said quietly, 'I want you to go now, Cathy.'

I didn't think she meant it. I thought she was embarra.s.sed by what she'd done and was really asking for a hug, and rea.s.surance from me that I would stand by her. I didn't move, but then she said: 'Go now, please.'

'Jade, if you really want me to go, love, I will,' I said.

'Yes. I do,' she said, still not looking at me. 'I don't want to see you any more, ever again, so go.'

Stunned, I looked at Rachel, who nodded for me to leave. 'Don't worry, Cathy,' Rachel said. 'I'll stay with Jade for a while and make sure she's all right.'

There was nothing else I could say or do and I had to respect Jade's wishes. Standing, I said to Jade: 'Shall I phone you later?'

'No,' she replied without looking at me.

After placing the carrier bags of 'goodies' I'd brought beside the sofa, I crossed the room and let myself out. Hurt and hurting for Jade, Tracy and their babies, I went slowly down the stairs and into reception. Erica, together with another member of staff and a foster carer I didn't know, were standing in a small group facing each other. The foster carer had Jason in her arms and was asking Erica about his routine. When a baby or child is taken into care as an emergency, it is often the foster carer who has to find out all she can about the baby or child. The three of them glanced over as I crossed reception. As I opened the outer door I heard the carer say: 'We're new carers. This is our first placement. My husband and I are very excited.'

And I thought of Tracy and what she must be feeling, having just lost her baby: certainly not excited. But that's the nature of fostering: one family's gain is another family's loss and misery.

Chapter Twenty-Four.

Moving On

Jade had said that she didn't want to see me again and that I shouldn't phone, so I didn't for the rest of that week. I thought she might have felt she'd let me down (as well as herself and Courtney), and also that she needed time alone. Although I didn't hear from her she was never far from my thoughts. I hoped against hope that the future wasn't as bleak as it appeared and a way could be found that would allow Jade to keep her baby. I thought about texting Tyler to see if he had any news but I decided if he wanted to be in touch with me he would.

Finally, on Friday, I texted Jade, saying simply: Thinking of you, love Cathy x.

She didn't reply.

A month went by and I heard nothing from Jade, although I knew that she and Courtney were still at Gra.s.slands. Jill, whom I saw regularly in connection with the child I was fostering, saw Rachel at the council offices between meetings, and Rachel told Jill that Jade was still at Gra.s.slands, but she didn't say any more. I cautioned myself not to read too much into what appeared to be good news, and that I should try to distance myself from Jade and Courtney, but it was very difficult. As a foster carer I'm often asked if I get attached to the children I look after. Of course I do. Foster carers couldn't properly nurture and care for the children we look after if we didn't get attached, and it didn't matter that Jade was nearly an adult. I was attached to her and Courtney and I worried about them and missed them just as I would a much younger child.

Then in the second week of November I was shopping in a department store in the mall. Christmas gifts were starting to appear in the shops and some shops even had Christmas music playing. I was examining a box of holly-scented candles when my phone bleeped with a text message. Returning the box to the display, I took my phone from my bag and was amazed to see a text message from Jade: u cn ph f u stil wn2 Jade x. Which took me a moment to translate into: You can phone if you still want to Jade x.

Thank goodness, I thought, relieved I had finally heard from her. I left the store and went into the high street to phone her where the reception was better and my conversation couldn't be so easily overheard.

Jade answered her phone immediately.

'Great to hear from you, love,' I said. 'How are you?'

'OK,' Jade said. 'How are you and the kids?'

'We're all very well, thank you.'

There was a long awkward silence, so I began talking telling Jade that I was shopping with Christmas in mind, and snippets about Adrian, Paula, my parents and our cat in fact anything that filled the silence and avoided me asking Jade if Courtney was still with her. Then, to my utter relief, I heard a baby in the background.

'Is that Courtney?' I asked.

'Yes, and I'd better go. She's just woken from her lunchtime nap. Cathy, will you come and visit me?'

'Yes, of course. Are you still at Gra.s.slands?'

'Yes. Same flat.'

'So is everything all right, then?'

She hesitated. 'I won't know for a while yet. They've done me a contract. I'll explain when I see you.'

'OK, love. I'll check in my diary and text you a date.'

'Thanks.'

The phone went dead and I stood for a moment in the high street considering what Jade had said. While Courtney was still with her, which was clearly good news, whether they could remain together apparently still hung in the balance. Once home I would check in my diary and text Jade the first date I was free. I returned to the shop but my heart wasn't in shopping any more and I was soon driving home again.

Two days later I arrived at Gra.s.slands, carrying a bag of 'goodies'. I was nervous; it had been over a month since I'd last seen Jade and we hadn't parted on the best of terms. If Jade had been a younger child who'd rejected me on a previous visit I'd simply have forgotten it, but with someone of Jade's age I had to respect the fact she was an adult, with a personality of her own, and might not be ready to completely make up and move on.