I felt a jolt inside. So Dai Nam's lover was the little boy who'd slashed her face for no reason and left her with the big scar?

Right then a nun approached us, smiling generously and beginning to tease her. "Ah, Chan Lan, you're gossiping again. Don't you know it's time for lunch? The other ah-pos ah-pos are all waiting for you." The nun turned to me, still smiling. "Sorry, miss, it's time for lunch; maybe you can come back and talk to her later?" are all waiting for you." The nun turned to me, still smiling. "Sorry, miss, it's time for lunch; maybe you can come back and talk to her later?"

As the nun helped Chan Lan to leave, I put my hands together and bowed slightly to both of them.

Chan Lan waved her bony hand, chuckling. "Miss, get married soon and have children, many many." When she was a few steps away, she turned back. "When you grow old, it's still better than talking to the four bare walls!"

The nun chided her affectionately. "Ai-ya! Chan Lan, stop lecturing others all the time!" Chan Lan, stop lecturing others all the time!"

Watching the nun's and Chan Lan's receding backs, I felt tears roll down my cheeks. Michael's image emerged clearly in my mind. Again the clouds vanished and the full moon shone, silently reminding me that life is fragile and true love hard to find.

I swore that I would never let go of Let-Go-and-Be-Carefree.

38.

Confessions.

The next day after my meeting with Dai Nam's great-aunt, I asked Mother to sit down with me to plan for the wedding.

She looked uncomfortable.

"Ma, aren't you happy that I'm getting married?"

"Of course. But..." She sighed. "I worry because he's a gweilo. gweilo."

"Ma, stop being racist! What's the difference, as long as Michael's a nice person? Besides, don't worry that you can't get along with him. He knows more about Chinese culture than most Chinese do."

Mother still looked upset.

Then I told her about Michael's erudition in Chinese philosophy and art, that he was a good doctor, and finally, how he had saved my life during the fire in the Fragrant Spirit Temple.

"Ah! This gweilo gweilo saved your life?" saved your life?"

"Ma, I've told you his name is Michael."

"All right, Mic Ko! So this Mic Ko saved your life and you've never told me that." She paused, seemingly in deep meditation; then suddenly her eyes widened. "But you know what? I think it's because you're a lucky girl. Remember the villagers in Yuen Long regarded you as the reincarnation of Guan Yin? That's why nothing can harm you. First you fell into the well, then this fire. Ah, so lucky, the G.o.ddess of Mercy!" Mother looked at me admiringly while putting a strand of hair on my forehead in place. "So I think you're the one who saved his life."

"Ma, don't be ridiculous, how-"

"Why do daughters never listen to their mothers?" Mother sighed, shaking her head. "Because your aura protected him and made him do the right thing, that's how."

I wanted to argue, but stopped myself. If that was what she would like to think, why shouldn't I just let her enjoy her own notions?

"All right Ma, I saved his life." I chuckled. "Now why don't we start to plan for the wedding?"

Without answering me, Mother shot up from the sofa, dashed inside the bedroom, returned with a book in her hand, and plopped it down on the coffee table in front of me.

"What's that?"

"Tong Sheng, silly girl," Mother chided affectionately. "You think I'm not thinking about your wedding? I've got everything ready."

I flipped through the book-Tong Sheng, literally "Sure Win," is the most popular almanac for Chinese astrology. Mother always kept it in the house so she could look up and pick auspicious days, sometimes even moments, to do things right.

For Chinese, picking the right date is essential: for getting married, naming a new baby, starting a business, even starting a fire in the stove or getting a haircut.

"Thank you, Ma," I said, and, to show my respect for her, helped her to sit down on the sofa.

Then Mother and I, two generations with the same face yet different temperaments, sat beside each other in a respectful manner and turned the pages of destiny.

For the first time we became of one heart and one mind.

"Wait just another moment," Mother said. This time she hurried into the kitchen and returned with a tray.

She generously covered the coffee table with snacks, her favorites: roast melon seed, fried shrimp chips, pig-fat sweet cake, egg tart; and my favorites: Cadbury's Fruit & Nut milk chocolate, peanuts coated with fried fish skin, and preserved plums. To my surprise, she even brought out a dozen of my adored ginger flowers.

"To purify the air for relaxation," she said as she inhaled deeply from the velvety white petals.

"Ma-" I felt tenderness swelling inside. "Thanks for preparing all these."

Mother chuckled. "Ha, don't think that your mother is stupid. I'm not. You think I won't realize that after all, gweilo gweilo or not or not gweilo, gweilo, you're getting married?" you're getting married?"

Looking happy, Mother began to feast on the watermelon seeds. She would put the seed edgewise between her teeth, crack it open, slip in the whole seed, and spit out the husk in perfect condition, then noisily chew the kernel.

I'd tried, but could never learn how to split and eat the seeds expertly in one fluid movement as she did. I'd let the seed slip and bite my finger, or swallow the seed with the husk, or chew up both the husks and the kernel in an unpleasant-tasting mess.

Mother squinted at me triumphantly. "Ha, don't know how to do that, eh? Mind you, there're still a lot of things you don't know about your own mother. Anyway, let's have tea." She paused to pour us full cups. "Remember? It's the best Meng Ding tea I bought from that tea shop. I've also dropped in slices of ginseng to give you more qi qi to prepare for the wedding. Now, drink your tea. Let's read the Tong Sheng and pick the day for your marriage." to prepare for the wedding. Now, drink your tea. Let's read the Tong Sheng and pick the day for your marriage."

On the red cover of this Sure Win was printed the t.i.tle The Mansion of All Treasures, The Mansion of All Treasures, and the logo "Encompa.s.sing Ten Thousand Items." Under the t.i.tle was the bulging-forehead Longevity G.o.d surrounded by three colorfully clad children holding up the giant peach of long life. Hovering above the old man was the bat of good luck, and behind him, the deer of wealth. and the logo "Encompa.s.sing Ten Thousand Items." Under the t.i.tle was the bulging-forehead Longevity G.o.d surrounded by three colorfully clad children holding up the giant peach of long life. Hovering above the old man was the bat of good luck, and behind him, the deer of wealth.

The scalding Meng Ding tea, heightened by the delicately bitter ginseng taste, put me in a more balanced mood. But when I picked up the one-thousand-page almanac it felt like a brick in my hands, its pages crowded with obscure pa.s.sages and complex diagrams. How to understand it?

I opened the string-bound book and found this: Nov. 11. Do's: Make offering to ancestors, enter school, make friends, get engaged, get a haircut, sew clothes, see a doctor, move house, repair the ceiling, fix the door, clean the stove, buy a house, herd animals. Make offering to ancestors, enter school, make friends, get engaged, get a haircut, sew clothes, see a doctor, move house, repair the ceiling, fix the door, clean the stove, buy a house, herd animals.Don'ts: Brew wine, take off clothes, plough land. Brew wine, take off clothes, plough land.Dec. 6. Do's: Make offerings, pray for fortune, go for a trip, get married, move house, start a business, plough land, fix the stove, take off clothes, bury. Make offerings, pray for fortune, go for a trip, get married, move house, start a business, plough land, fix the stove, take off clothes, bury.Don'ts: Style hair, open a pool, go through a well. Style hair, open a pool, go through a well.

I caressed the teacup in my palms, feeling its heat. "Ma, how are we going to read all these strange expressions? What does it mean by going through a well? What is it to open a pool? And how come a day is suitable for marriage but not for styling one's hair?"

"Ah, foreign-produced doctor." Mother replaced the lid on her teacup, then squinted at me with a chiding expression. "When it comes to ancient wisdom, you're but a child. Be patient, Meng Ning. Let's first turn to the page for the month you plan to get married, and then look for a suitable day. Of course you don't have to read through the whole book; in that case you can write a thesis and get another Ph.D. Besides, if this Tong Sheng can't help, then we'll look up another one. That's why I bought four versions. Smart, eh?"

Suddenly Mother chortled, jabbing her st.u.r.dy finger on one pa.s.sage while emphatically spitting out a string of perfect husks. "Ha, ha, look at this! The day is suitable to get married, but not to roast food. How can newlyweds not prepare roast pig for their wedding?"

"But why not?" I asked, popping several peanuts into my mouth.

"Because roasted pig, especially baby pig, is proof of the bride's virginity!"

"Are you kidding?" I stopped chewing.

Straightening her lavender cotton pajamas, Mother picked up a pig-fat sweet cake and put on an authoritative air. "On the wedding night, only after the groom has verified his wife is a virgin, will his parents send roast pig to the guests the following day. Otherwise, everybody will know the bride was a wanton girl."

"That's stupid! The parents can still send out roasted pig, even if the bride is not a virgin. Who would know?" I said, washing down the peanut dregs with my tea and scorching my throat.

I grimaced and Mother scolded, "Watch out, Meng Ning! I've told you a hundred times not to drink scalding tea and you never listen." Then she nibbled at her pig-fat cake with great affection and went on. "Yes, the guests might not, but the G.o.ds do, because the newlyweds also have to offer the pig to them...."

Mother eyed me suspiciously, dropped her cake, and blurted out, "Meng Ning, did you follow my advice to put the cup of water between you and your Mic Ko?"

"Ma! Please stop your nonsense and concentrate on planning for my wedding."

"All right, all right," she sighed, now picking up an egg tart. "Hai! But for me, neither the guests nor the G.o.ds knew, for I didn't even have a...ah, forget it." But for me, neither the guests nor the G.o.ds knew, for I didn't even have a...ah, forget it."

I knew she meant the wedding she'd never had. I reached to pat her hand.

"But it doesn't matter anymore, for now my daughter is going to have a really big and fancy one."

"No, Ma, I don't want anything fancy, only something gracious, simple, and cozy."

Mother's eyes began to shoot out daggers. "No, Meng Ning, listen to me. You're going to have a big, fancy wedding. And you'd better get that French cla.s.sical courtstyle wedding gown worn by Sally Yeh we saw the other day."

We kept arguing until finally I blurted out, "Ma, it's my wedding, not yours, so can't you just let me decide what to wear?"

Mother shut up right away. Suddenly I realized the reason she wanted something fancy was not for me, but for herself.

Feeling terribly guilty, I refreshed her tea. "Ma, I'm very sorry."

There was a long silence before she said, "I forgive you." She drained her tea to acknowledge my apology. "All right, now let's pick the day."

After Mother had consulted the four almanacs for quite some time, with a thick felt pen she circled the auspicious day on each of them as well as on the calendar propped up by the radio.

"But, Ma, it's too close. I don't think we have enough time to prepare."

Mother looked at me sharply. "This is the best day. Otherwise you have to wait a long time. Silly girl. Quick battle, quick victory. So never make a man wait till he changes his mind-you understand?" Then she squinted at me. "And don't ever discard ancient wisdom like you do old calendars."

I knew she said this because in the past, whenever she'd looked up the Tong Sheng, I'd sneer. "Ma, the only way to a sure win, according to ancient Daoist wisdom, is by losing. Less is more; we lose in order to win."

She'd shut me up by saying, "Tst, tst, lose to win? What kind of crazy logic is this? You lose your mind to win your mother's argument just to make her lose face?"

But now I felt happy to pick my wedding date as recommended by the Sure Win, for, like my mother, I couldn't afford to be careless, not at thirty, and not for such a big thing in my life.

I wanted to steer my marriage ship with Michael safely for ten thousand years.

"Excellent," Mother said. "This is the best day to get married, and you'll have a good, happy, and long-lasting marriage. With five almanacs arriving at the same lucky day, believe me, Meng Ning, there won't be any chance for mistakes." She cautiously sipped her imperial tea with a matching imposing air before she continued. "You see, Meng Ning, I really don't understand how some people are so foolish as to pick their wedding date at random without consulting our ancestors' wisdom."

Instead of responding to her unique logic, I sucked hard at a piece of ginseng, relishing its stimulating flavor.

"But too bad-" Mother suddenly caught herself in midsentence.

"Too bad what?"

"No, nothing."

"What is it, Ma?"

"Too bad-" she blurted out again, "that I didn't need to look up the Tong Sheng for my wedding, for...I didn't have one."

"Ma, I'm sorry."

A beat or two pa.s.sed before she suddenly asked, changing the subject, "You remember No Name who became a nun?"

"Of course, Ma. What about her?"

"She did have a name."

"That's not surprising; what was it?"

"Li Yuan."

"Beautiful Cloud?"

"Yes." Mother's eyes darted around as she went on. "Besides, I've been lying to you...she was not the daughter of your great-great-grandfather."

"What do you mean?" My heart raced. "Then who is she? And...Ma, why are you suddenly telling me this?"

"Because-"

"Because what?"

Mother sighed. "Because since you're getting married, I'm obliged to make some confessions before you become someone else's wife and daughter."

Before I had a chance to tell her that she didn't have to worry that I'd be someone else's daughter because Michael was an orphan, she had already spat out, "No Name, or Beautiful Cloud, or whatever, was your father's fiancee."

"You mean the one for whom Baba was buying gold for their upcoming wedding in Grandma's gold store-where he ran into you after you two had lost contact for eight years?"

"Yes. It's sad that she ended up being a nun, but not my fault."

"You mean it's Baba's fault?"

"No, not his neither." Mother rolled her eyes. "It's Beautiful Cloud's."

"How?"

"Simple." She shrugged. "She was not attractive enough to charm your father, but I did, even when I was only nine."

I almost chuckled.

Mother ignored me. "But later when I lost my charms, then your father let himself be charmed by other more beautiful clouds."