I looked down to see Grandma, her head tilted slightly toward me, in the same exact position she had been in hours before.

"Grandma?" I whispered.

Reaching out, I took hold of her hand...her stiff, lifeless cold hand.

My throat closed tightly, and my eyes filled with burning tears. It was happening again, that endless pit of grief opening up its maw and swallowing me up.

"Oh no," I sobbed.

My heart was shattering once more. I couldn't resist being swept up into the tidal wave of pain, drowning in it. Helpless against it, I lay down next to her body, pressing my Third Eye to hers. There were no colors, no memories to pass the frisson of warmth into me. It was just a gray, cool void.

"I love you," I whispered. I hoped that somewhere, maybe on some different frequency, she'd heard me, and she knew that she meant the world to me.

Overcome, the tears turned into loud soul-shaking sobs.

Alys was the first one to come into the room, finding me weeping pitifully and holding Grandma. Without a word, she came and lay down behind me, wrapping her arms around us, joining me in my weeping.

Then, Lili slipped silently into the room, lying next to Grandma on the other side, tears sliding down her cheeks.

When we had cried ourselves dry, bright morning light was streaming into the room.

"We should call someone, the paramedics or something," said Alys, her voice hushed and respectful.

"Yeah," I replied, sounding as miserable as I felt.

"I'll go make some coffee." Lili sniffed.

Alys first called her mom, who in turn called the paramedics. Since there was no emergency, they quietly showed up with no flashing lights.

Brian was with them. While another two put Grandma's body on the gurney, he pulled me into his arms, just tightly holding me to him, and I'd never felt so grateful for having him in my life as I did this minute.

They started to wheel her out, and I pulled out of his embrace. "Wait. Can I-"

"Yes," replied Brian.

Pulling the sheet down, I took one last look at Grandma's face before she was embalmed and morphed into a wax statue. She looked like she was asleep, like there was nothing but peace ahead of her. That made me feel like it was okay. I could let it go. I could let her go.

I stepped back, and they took her away. My chest ached fiercely but not with that anger, that burning, that awful sense of being wronged. I only felt the anguish of never being able to talk or see or be with her ever again.

Brian kissed my forehead, above my Third Eye. "I have to go with them, baby. But my shift ends soon. I'll come straight over after, okay?"

"Okay."

Mama Sally came in just as he headed out the door. Lovely woman, she did a double take as they passed each other.

"Oh, honey," she crooned.

She wrapped me in her arms, holding me to her huge breasts as if they held the power to absorb the pain right out of me. After a few minutes of swaying back and forth against them, I did feel a bit better, and I wondered if those massive boobs did indeed hold such mystical properties.

It was Saturday. I didn't have to worry about work or anything. I could just...let it all happen. I didn't have to stress or worry. I could just let myself be heartbroken, and that was okay.

Brian came back less than two hours later.

We went up to my bedroom, and he pulled me into his arms, surrounding me with his love and warmth. I took it, and I let myself cry and cry and cry all over his chest. I took everything he offered me. I felt safe, and I fell into a dreamless deep sleep.

When I woke up, I was sad yet strangely at peace.

Brian awakened as I sat up.

"You doing okay?" he asked, rubbing his hand over my back.

"As okay as I can be."

"Are you going to be all right when I go to work in a few hours? I can try to find someone to take my shift, if you want."

I shook my head. "I'll be fine. Lili and Alys will be with me."

"All right."

Over the next couple of days, depression descended over the house once more, but this time, it wasn't oppressive. It was just...depressing.

Mama Sally took care of all the funeral arrangements, which would take place on Wednesday. She also called Rita, who was kind and understanding, and Rita gave me two weeks' leave of absence even though we were completely swamped at work. Alys got the week off, and so did Lili, who worked for the local phone company as a customer service representative.

My brother flew in from Miami for the funeral. He'd been taking summer courses, wanting to graduate earlier so that he could come back home to NOLA sooner than the four years.

Brian ended up spending every evening with me at my place until the funeral. It was a great comfort, having him with me.

The service was quite lovely, and this time around, I could truly appreciate what saying good-bye meant to people. Gracious, I was thankful for all the people who had turned up, having no clue as to who most of them were. I sat with Da and Connor and Gloria. Brian sat next to me and held my hand as I wept quietly for the woman I loved so much.

Afterward, we all planned to go out to a nice dinner. Brian declined the invite from Da to join us. Brian wasn't really my boyfriend, and I didn't think he felt comfortable acting like he was until we'd discussed it. And I knew that conversation was coming up really soon.

"Will I see you later?" he asked quietly as we all headed out of the funeral home.

Nodding my head, I replied, "I'll come over after dinner. Can I stay the night?"

He smiled, and the sight of it stole a little piece of my heart. "Always."

Alys dropped me off at Brian's after dinner, and Lili offered to be the one to pick me up in the morning.

The moment I was through the door, I was in his arms, and he was kissing me so sweetly. Holding my face in his hands, he pushed his fingers through my hair, and it felt so good, I moaned against his mouth in complete surrender. He lifted me, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Brian took me back to his room. He stepped over Bubba, who was snoring in front of the door, on the way in.

Slowly stripping me out of my clothes, as if unwrapping something to cherish, he kissed every bit of me as he went along. When I was finally naked, he laid me back on the bed and then removed every stitch of his own clothes before joining me. In my arms and cradled between my thighs, he kissed and caressed me until I was breathless and writhing beneath him. I was so wet and hot that I could hardly stand it. Rolling off me, he grabbed a condom and rolled it down over his cock before returning to my arms. He slid into me, filling me with deliberate slow strokes.

He's making love to me. Making love to me. Oh, wow...it's wonderful.

It felt blissful and impossibly right.

With his face right above mine, our eyes locked on each other. Brian was giving me his strength, his love...his love...his love.

For hours, this went on.

He didn't stop until the sun came up, and I was too tired and sated to even move. Then, he wrapped his arms around me and held me while I slept.

When I woke up, he was sleeping soundly next to me. I watched him in silence, marveling at how breathtakingly beautiful he was. I realized just how much I was really falling in love with him, but the thought didn't fill me with the happiness it should.

"Don't go anywhere."

Always, I heard the echo of Phil's voice when I felt the need to leave the memory of him behind me. Whenever I was ready to move forward, his command to me would surface, and I would pull back from Brian. I was tired of pulling back. I wanted this steady, constant love in my life. I was ready for it.

Was the part of me holding back from Brian and speaking in Phil's voice just my own deeply ingrained fear of being hurt and losing someone else? It was quite possible I was a complete whack job, too. I couldn't rule that out.

I can slip into this so easily, a life with this beautiful, wonderful man and Bubba, the bulldog. I can choose to be with Brian. I can make a happy life with him. It's not like it would be hard. And he's given so much of himself to me. How can I not return that gesture?

I had a decision to make and very, very soon. It was long overdue really. Brian deserved so much more than this from me. I had to decide whether I was going to commit to him, or...

I called Lili, and she told me she'd be by at ten. That gave me about twenty minutes.

"Brian?" I put my hand on his shoulder, giving it a little shake. "Brian, wake up."

"Mmm?" He pulled me into his arms. "What is it, baby?"

"I'm heading out. Lili's coming to get me."

"You're going home?" He still wasn't fully awake.

"Yes, and I need to talk to you before she shows up."

That woke his ass up. He sat up, and I pulled out of his arms.

"What is it?" he asked, rubbing his hands over his face.

"Last night..." I swallowed thickly, fighting the urge to cry. "Last night was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. It was beyond amazing. You made me feel...just so much." I took his hands. "And I'm going to need some time to figure out what it is that I need to do."

"What do you want to do?"

Love was just shining out of his hazel eyes. Witnessing it made my heart constrict.

"I know I don't want to hurt you," I told him. "You've made it very hard not to fall in love with you. But I've come to the realization that I need to step up and give you the kind of relationship you so very much deserve, or..." Just the thought of having to let this go was painful.

I knew that I loved this man. I just didn't know if it was enough.

"Okay," he replied, his voice soft.

"You deserve everything I can give, Brian. I need to figure out if that's a possibility for me."

"Okay."

I was tempted to just say, Fuck it, and tell him that I loved him, that I was all his, but I didn't because then it would be done, and I didn't think I could live with myself if I made a promise I wouldn't be able to keep.

And that was really what it came down to. If ever push came to shove, I wouldn't keep that promise.

I could hear Lili's Rhonda wheezing in the driveway. I went to stand, but he pulled me into his arms, kissing me with unrestrained passion.

"Whatever you choose, baby, I regret nothing," he murmured against my lips. "Do you understand that? You're worth all of it."

"Don't say that." My lower lip trembled with the effort it took for me not to burst into horrific snot-inducing sobs. "I'm not worth putting you through any pain-"

"Yes, you are," he insisted. He gave me one of those smiles that just melted my heart. "You've given me the best time of my life, Kenna. That's certainly worth everything to me."

"And if I take it away?"

"You can't. It's already mine. It's not something that can be taken away. It's in my head and heart already."

For the love of all that's holy, he's such a fucking amazing soul.

The misery must have been written all over my face because Lili didn't even wait until I shut the car door before asking, "What's wrong?"

"I'm in love with him, and I don't know what to do."

She brushed that confession aside like dust off her shoulder. "Well, we found something you need to see."

"What is it?"

"You'll see."

"Seriously, Lili, I don't think I can take much more shit right now. What did you find?"

"Nothing bad! Just chill. You'll see when we get home."

Alys was waiting on the front porch, and bless her, she handed me a sweet hot espresso as I walked up the steps.

"Did you tell her?" she asked Lili.

In return, Lili threw her a dirty look. "No, but she thinks she's in love with Brian."

Alys's face looked stricken. "Oh, Sweet Pea..."

Holding up my hand, I closed my eyes, and as though it pained me-which, incidentally, it did-I said, "Just show me whatever the hell it is you've found, okay?"

We headed upstairs to Alys's room where the computer was on and paused on some sort of clip. It was a concert clip. And as I read the title-NOLA's Junk, Louisiana Baby-I started to feel pissy.

"Oh, what fresh hell is this?" I asked in outrage, throwing myself into the computer chair.

"Just watch. It's from two nights ago in Rio de Janeiro," Alys said in a soothing sweet tone. She palmed the mouse and clicked on Play.

"Damn, it's fuckin' hot in Rio," Phil said as he walked from the left side of the huge stage to the right.

Indeed, they all looked extremely sweaty. Phil had his shirt off, and by the love of the gods, he looked positively delicious. It had been a while since I even saw a photo of him.