Then, it was really game on.

"Are you ready to get the shit fucked out of you, baby?" he asked, his voice husky and molten in my ear.

"Yes!"

He flipped me over, pulled me up on all fours, and rammed into me, riding me hard and fast. Reaching his arm around, he slipped his hand between my legs, his fingers finding and rubbing my clit, as his cock pumped me.

Oh fuck...yes! How have I gone six fucking years without this?

Either I had had some excruciatingly mild sexual experiences with Jaime, or Brian was a genius at fucking. I was in full revelation mode tonight. When he grabbed my hair and tugged, I was astonished to find that I actually enjoyed it. It was, dare I say, nice to be roughened up like this. It turned me on, and soon, I was coming hard, moaning and begging for more.

"Oh fuck!" he shouted, grasping my hips and pounding into me. "I'm coming."

His cock got harder and started to throb, and he pulled me tightly into his groin, holding me there as the aftershocks pulsed through both of us.

"Damn," I gasped. I didn't know it could be like this.

"Fuckin' right," he panted behind me. Pulling me up, my back to his chest, he gave me a bit of a sexy little hug, kissing my shoulder before pulling out.

I stretched out on the bed, rolling onto my side. I watched in curious fascination as he removed the condom and tossed it at a trash bin in the corner of the room where it landed on the rim to dangle in shame.

"You smoke?" I asked him, still looking at the dangling condom.

"What, like cigarettes?" He sounded a bit disgusted.

"No, weed."

"Oh. Yeah. Why? You want some?"

"No, I have some. Do you want to smoke a spliff?"

He flopped down in front of me, grinning, "Hell yeah."

I headed to the living room and grabbed my bag. When I returned, he was putting a CD in the stereo. I recognized it as Tool's Undertow.

"I love Tool," I said, pulling out the silver cigarette case where I kept my joint stash. It once had belonged to my grandfather. I'd found it in the attic when we stashed the boxes with Mom's things. With Grandma's blessing, I had taken it and made it mine.

"Do you have an ashtray?"

"Nightstand," he replied. "Tool's my favorite band."

Brian's warmth and desire to share a bit of himself had me smiling.

"They're one of mine. That's for sure," I told him.

Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to tell him who my favorite band was, so instead, I opened the drawer, and I pulled out the ashtray.

My, that's a lot of condoms.

Casual sex must be the norm with this guy. It was easy to see why, really, as pretty as he was-and very proficient. He probably picked up chicks quite often. For some bizarre reason, it made me feel more at ease, knowing I wasn't anything special. It was what it was-just sex. My brain and definitely my body were comfortable with that.

Lying back down, the ashtray on my stomach, I lit up, and we smoked it to the roach.

"So...it's been a while since you've..." he asked, his fingertips lightly tracing over my abdomen.

I laughed. "You could say that."

"How long?"

He's going to think I'm a complete weirdo. "Six years."

"Six years?"

"Yeah." I laughed again, sounding a tad nervous.

"How is that even possible?" He seemed genuinely shocked.

"I've been really busy."

"Damn."

"What about you?"

"A couple of weeks?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" I laughed.

"I'm thinking I gotta get your pipes cleaned out from the six years' worth of cobwebs," he said with a saucy grin.

Rolling on top of me, he kissed me until I was hot and ready for him once more.

"Really?" I grinned. "You want to go again?"

"Baby, I'm just getting started," he replied.

Upside down, I've had the same view for the last however many years.

I'm tired, I ache, and I just want this to be over with.

How long can a person deal with the fact that the whole world is upside down? I haven't felt as though my life has been right for a long, long, long, long time.

"Mom, make it stop, please," I whisper.

"You're almost there, sweetheart," she replies.

Sitting before me, graceful and at peace, she's in a lotus pose, her palms pressed together in Namaste. Her eyes are closed as she contemplates the meaning of the universe, completely unperturbed with the fact that her daughter is rooted upside down in her own fucking head.

Her lips twitch, which is strange, because I'm staring at her knees.

"I can't take this anymore."

"Sure you can."

"No. No, I'm done, Mom. I want to be free. This isn't right."

"You will be free, freer than you could possibly imagine. You just need to have a little more patience."

"More patience? More patience!" I roar, struggling to unfreeze my wooden limbs. "I am done! I am over this! No fucking more!"

"Just a little more patience," she says again.

Tears run out of my eyes, trickling into my hair, my ropey roots. "I just can't..."

Opening one eye just a crack, my vision was filled with bright sunlight. I opened both eyes and looked around. The alarm clock on the nightstand showed 11:34. Alone, I was weirded out and relieved. Still very much naked under the covers, I detected my clothing piled on an armchair in the corner of the room.

It was a nice bedroom, sparsely furnished with the necessary stuff. There was a dresser with a small boxy TV on it along with a CD player. Stereo speakers sat on the floor on either side of it. It was a normal dude bedroom.

As I got out of bed, I noticed a bit of stiffness and not just a little soreness. My poor cunt felt as though it'd been beaten into submission, and it was no wonder. I counted six used condoms in the vicinity of the trash bin.

My memory came flooding back, and I didn't know if I should be doing the walk of shame or patting myself on the back. Either way, sneaking out as quietly as possible was probably the way to go.

However, as I opened the door, Bubba, the fat sausage roll, was parked in front of the threshold, threatening my escape. His smushed face split into a panting happy grin.

"Hey, Bubba," I whispered as I stepped over him.

I made my way to the bathroom to pee and wash up a bit. I planned on heading to the gas station that was about a ten-minute walk from here and calling Alys on the way to come and get me. I wouldn't dare call Lili. I was positive she was still miffed that I hadn't saved it for Phil.

Damn it! Quit thinking about him! He's not here, he's not coming back, and he certainly isn't waiting for you!

Then, why do I feel so guilty?

Because you're a fucking head case.

Head case or not, I couldn't readily shove aside the fact that I was swamped with overwhelming guilt. All this time, I had been saving it for Phil. Since that long-ago night at Bougainvillea, he had been the only man I wanted to be with. It wasn't like I was a prude. Obviously, last night had been a fucking eye-opener in that department. But I felt as though I had cheated on him.

Fucking ri-goddamn-diculous. Get over it. Get over him.

Tiptoeing to the front door, the scents of breakfast food cooking perfumed the late morning air. Maybe I should at least say good-bye. Last night had been so much fun- "Hey, beautiful," Brian's voice floated out from the kitchen.

I turned back. "Hey, yourself."

Smiling, he came up and pulled me into his arms before kissing me quickly on my mouth. "You were trying to sneak out of here, weren't you?"

"The thought had crossed my mind. I didn't know, you know...if you still wanted company," I finished lamely. "I, uh...I've never done this before."

He laughed, taking my hand, and he pulled me toward the small kitchen table. Once seated, he placed a plate of food in front of me-eggs, bacon, fried tomatoes, and toast.

"I'll take your company any day, baby," he said sweetly, grabbing his plate and sitting down across from me.

Damn, he's even better looking in daylight-and fucking sexy, too.

"You got work today?" he asked.

"No. I have weekends off. You?"

"Yeah, I got the late shift. Start at seven. I thought maybe you'd like to hang out today."

"Hmm..."

He cocked an eyebrow at me. "Oh shit. Were you just using me for sex?"

I busted out laughing. "Is that such a bad thing?"

He looked crestfallen. "Usually, no. But I thought we really hit it off last night."

"I thought we did, too," I agreed.

"Then, what's with the hmm?"

I wasn't even sure myself. Well, no, I was pretty sure it'd had something to do with the fact that Phil fucking Deveraux popped into my head and tempted me to get out of here before I did something stupid, like hang out all day with a gorgeous paramedic. It wasn't like I could explain to the gorgeous paramedic that I was crazy and secretly waiting for a heavy metal rock god to come home and whisk me off my feet.

"I'm not entirely sure," I said instead. That was about as honest as I could be at the moment. I didn't know how I felt. "I'm not sure I'm looking for something right now. I'm pretty committed to my work, considering..." To escape having to provide any more information, I reached for the glass of orange juice next to my plate.

"There's another guy, isn't there?"

I choked on my orange juice. "Why do you say that?"

"Oh my god, there is!"

It was harsh that I could blush this hard.

Anger tinged his voice. "Do you have-"

"I'm not involved with anyone," I hastily assured him. "I just got laid for the first time in six years, Brian."

"Well, work is a lame excuse not to have a love life, so there must be another man in the picture."

Heaving a long-winded sigh, I confessed in part, "I'll admit that I have strong feelings for someone, but we're not in a relationship."

"What's his name?" he demanded.

"Phil. He's overseas, and he has been for a long time. It's not what you think. We started something that needs to be addressed when he comes back. We, uh...sort of promised each other we would. And I just don't think it'd be fair to you if you and I started something serious. Because I want to know if he and I still want to move forward with what we began."

He just looked at me.

"I'm not in a committed relationship. If I were, last night would never have happened," I attempted to reassure him.

Brian nodded curtly. "Do you know when he's coming back?"