Oh, my Aunt Maria! I wish if they give a fellow a job to do they'd leave him to do it. Found everybody pitching the stuff up into the wagons anyhow. How ever it got sorted out, goodness knows. Had rather a row with the A.S.C. chap; told him he was muddling everything up. Seemed to think a Volunteer can't possibly know anything, but considering half my men come from the railway, I'll back them against all comers for loading a truck. Started at last, about half an hour late. More trouble at the station; only two trucks there instead of the five indented for. My stock of ornamental profanity barely sufficient for the occasion.

Finally managed somehow. Loaded up pa.s.senger coaches, horse boxes, anything; but men awfully sulky. Thought they were going to curse the Major when he wanted to know why everything wasn't done. Got rotted by young Blenkinsop for mucking the show up. Major awfully good chap on these occasions; told me it's absolutely unavoidable when we have to manage to get a day's work done in about three hours. Told ripping good jest against himself when _he_ was on baggage duty years ago. Must try it again next year to see if I can do it differently. Only one or two things gone wrong after all, by some miracle.

Home again. Feel rather tired. Jolly good camp, though. Hope next year's will be as good.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Off Duty.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: Philosophies.

"Chargin'," said the Junior Subaltern, "is all bally rot; and when we carried a beastly sword it was positively dangerous. You blew your whistle, bolted out in front of your men, howled 'Char-r-r-ge!' shoved your foot in a hole, or got the scabbard between your legs an' came a regular mucker, and then some idiot behind either jumped on you or tripped over you, an' most likely prodded you with his bally bayonet."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: M.G.

_Extract from Diary._--"We got our Maxim into a capital position on the flank, but before we could fire a shot we were put out of action for some time."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: More Army Reforms.

_Our only Sub.:_ "Awful tommy rot big Battalions, don't you know; ever so much jollier with just the mess an' the band."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: On Guard.

_Officer of the day_ (_who believes in making sure that every man knows his work_): "Ah? What are you?" (_No answer._)

"Er! What are your orders?" (_No answer._)

"What the dooce are you doing here?"

_Recruit_ (_on sentry go for the first time_): "Please, zur, I bz waitin' for they to tell I to come to tay!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A Misunderstanding.

_Colonel_ (_to recruit who has forgotten to salute him_): "What Company do you belong to?"

_Recruit_ (_mindful of his civil occupation_): "Th--Th--The Gas Company, please, Sir!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

No. 4.

Pte. TIMOTHY SIMMONS.

_Sat.u.r.day._--'Ad a bit of a row with the old man afore starting; 'e wants me to give mother 'arf my camp pay, same as if it were wages. Told 'im I would if I could, so I expect there'll be more rows when we gets back. Said good-bye to Mary, an' told her if I 'eard of any goings on with Bill Jenkins, as could go to camp if 'e wanted to right enough, I'd spoil 'is face for 'im. She said I ought to be walkin' 'er out instead o' wastin' my time playin' at soldiers, an' that Bill's a very sensible chap. I ses as 'e's a waster an' a perfect bloomin' idjet at drill, always a throwin' us out. Jawin' with 'er made me a bit late for parade, but our leftenant didn't seem to mind for a wonder. Usually 'is temper's awful if things don't go as he likes. He c.o.c.ked 'is bloomin' eye-gla.s.s at me, tho', in a way as made me think 'e was going to start cussin'.

Twasn't bad with all the village looking on, an' we marched off in style.

Got told off to the baggage guard at the station. Blessed if I don't think it was for being late for p'rade. Warn't sorry when the train started, as one of the chaps 'ad got hold of four bottles of beer as was all right. Just before the train stops our Serjint, 'e ses, "Look after our own company's baggage, an' never mind what anybody ses." But we 'adn't more than about started when a off'cer on a horse comes along an'

wants to know who's in charge an' where is 'e. I tells 'im, an' then he ses we can't be all day over the job, an' we're to put all this lot into that truck. We ses we was told to put it in t'other. "Put it where _I_ tell you," 'e ses. Bimeby along comes our off'cer, an' just takes one look at us, an' then started fairly in. As our Corp'ril said afterwards, it were a treat. I'd 'ave given the price of a pint to 'ave been able to sit still an' listen to 'im, an' yet to look at 'im in the ordinary way you'd think he couldn't get further than "Dash it all!" Then up comes the off'cer on the 'orse. "Are you in charge of this guard?" ses 'e.

"Yes," ses our off'cer. "Well, you'll never get away at this rate, an'

there's three more Battalions to detrain after you, an' I must 'ave those trucks back from the camp by six o'clock." "Very good; they will be here," ses our man. "Not at this rate," ses t'other. "My dear fellow," ses our off'cer, "my men aint regulars, but they can manage it all right in their own way if you'll leave 'em alone; but you're simply muddlin' us up now." "Can't help that," ses t'other. "I'm only responsible for the trucks, and they must be got away at once." "I'm responsible for the baggage," ses our man. "Either leave the job to me or take the whole thing over." "Oh, do as you like. I don't care a d.a.m.n," ses the one on the 'orse. "No more do I," ses our off'cer. So we gets it together somehow an' marches off, the bloomin' traction-engine a-goin' about five miles an 'our an' we tryin' to keep up, all of us cussin' at everything. Don't catch me on a baggage guard again in a 'urry.

_Sunday._--Bit tired to-day. Couldn't get much sleep las' night; some of the chaps 'adn't been to camp afore, an' wouldn't shake down quiet. Kep'

growlin' at everything. Off'cer comes round wantin' to know what the noise were about. I tells 'im as George Hitchins 'udn't shut up, an' let us get to sleep. "'It 'im on the 'ed with a boot," ses the off'cer, an'

I 'ad a bloomin' good mind to. Church p'rade in the mornin'. Never 'eard a blessed word till we got to the hymns. Dinner pretty right, but could 'ave done with more of it. Beer at the canteen not 'arf as good as we gets at the old "King's Arms." Went out with some of our chaps in the afternoon an' 'ad a sleep in a wood. Not 'arf a bad day. If t'were goin'

to be all same as this, I wouldn't mind.

_Monday._--Jack Houghton, as was Tent Orderly to-day, goes an' trips over one of the tent ropes when he were bringing the coffee, an' spilt most of it. Tried to get some more, but couldn't, so docked 'im of 'is share; even then we was precious short. Section drill all the morning.

Never saw the off'cers so savage--nothing would please them; they're fairly easy all the year, but they makes up for it in camp. Not but what some of the chaps want it--lots of 'em goes on enough to break a feller's 'eart, an' then we all gets the blame.

That there Houghton got hold of the wrong kettle at dinner an' come back with No. 5's grub, which, as they're only seven in their tent to our eight, warn't good enough. Complained to the off'cer as come round. 'E said if we couldn't look after ourselves better than that, we must take the consequences. That's all very fine, but it don't feed us. Made Houghton stand 'arf a gallon to the tent. 'E ses camp's a bloomin'

swindle. If there's one thing I 'ates it is cleaning up the camp; the other companies chucks their rubbish into our lines, but t'aint no use to say so, you only gets shut up.

[Ill.u.s.tration: On the Range.]

Got jawed at for a bit o' dirt in my rifle as you couldn't see. "Clean it again," ses our Leftenant. "I've cleaned the thing forty times," I ses. "Forty-one's your lucky number," 'e ses; "try again." Went for a stroll in the evenin', but these 'ere camps is too far away from anything to please me.

_Tuesday._--My day as Tent Orderly. I never see such a lot of chaps to grumble as our tent. Fust of all the bread warn't right, then I 'adn't got enough coffee, an' the bacon was done too much--why 'adn't I kicked up a row? "Look 'ere," I ses, "you bloomin' well take wot you gets, an'

if you aint satisfied you complain to the off'cer of the day; _'e_ won't stand much of yer lip. I know my work," I ses, "an' I done it."

Had to peel a reg'lar pile of taters, twice as many as they ought to want. "There," I ses to our company cook, "'ow's that?" "Why, you've bin an' wasted nigh on 'arf of 'em," 'e ses. "An' then yer tent will be hollerin' out as I cheats 'em. _I_ know 'em," 'e ses. An' sure enough they did, only it were the gravy as they didn't like this time. I shall be bloomin' glad when I'm a Sergint, an' 'as a mess to ourselves. 'Ad narrow shave of being late for p'rade. You aint got no time to spare when you're Orderly.

Thought nothing would satisfy our off'cers to-day. We was trying all sorts of things like they does 'em at the war, an' we was fairly sick of it, but the Colonel 'e rides by an' sings out as we was the best company 'e'd seen that morning, so that was all right, an' we didn't mind being shoved about.

_Wednesday._--We was practised in advanced guard the first thing this morning, all the companies working separate. After a bit, I'm blowed if yer could tell what any of 'em was at, they was so mixed up. Afore we starts, our Captain 'e explains to us what we was supposed to do; _'e_ may 'ave understood what 'e was drivin' at, but I'm blest if any of us did. 'Owever, after a bit I begins to see what we was meant to be doin', an' bimeby the Captain 'e tells me to take two men as a patrol to examine a wood as was near by. D'rectly we was out of sight one of 'em starts playin' the goat, till I gives 'im a shove in the back wi' the b.u.t.t just to remind 'im as I was in command. The Major come along jist then an' asks me what we was? I tells 'im as we were a patrol, an' 'e tells me the proper way to do it, an' what to report to the Captain.