[Ill.u.s.tration: Field-Day Reflections.

_Field Officer_ (_a little out of touch for the time being_): "I wish to goodness our corps had stuck to their scarlet instead of goin' into this infernal khaki; you used to be able to spot 'em at any distance, but now I'm hanged if I can tell _where_ they are!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: Tactics.

_Slim Subaltern:_ "Not out of action? I should jolly well think you were, though! Why I've been simply pumping lead into you for the last ten minutes!"

_Captain of Opposing Force:_ "That's all very fine, but it all depends on the range you were firing at."

_Slim Subaltern:_ "Don't you worry about that, c.o.c.ky; I had one section sightin' at eight hundred, another at nine, 'nother at one thou, an'

t'other at 'leven hundred!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: Field-Day Tragedies.

"Ullo, d.i.c.ky! Where's your Company? Lost?"

"No, not lost, but gone before!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

No. 3.

2nd Lieut. FITZGERALD LAWLESS.

_Sat.u.r.day._--Utter rot limiting a fellow's baggage; I've simply chucked it. If there was any need, I could live in one shirt just as well as the next man, but I expect the Sergeant Major will think it his duty to point out that two kit bags, a hold-all, plus the regulation tin box, is almost up to field officer form, but I can't do it with less. I'm sure the amount of stuff the sergeants' mess take with 'em is simply appalling.

Trust our mess president will provide for our carnal appet.i.tes by the way, but shall take the precaution of laying in a small stock on my own.

Had huge jest with young Simpkins in the train. Rotted him about his new Sam Browne equipment; told him it wasn't on right, so we had it off him, and regularly trussed him up in it; he got awfully wrathy, so we sat him in a corner while Jackson read "Hints for Young Officers" to him.

Found my tent pitched close to the Colonel's; rather a good egg, as they won't be able to try any larks on this time. That young a.s.s Blenkinsop, who was baggage officer, has lost one of my kit bags, and pretty well smashed up the other things. Had the cheek to say it was lucky the only really efficient Sub. in the Battalion in charge, or the baggage would never have got here. Gathered from the tone of his remarks that he'd had a pretty healthy time of it.

_Sunday._--Seems quite good to hear the bugles going once more. Church parade. Infernal nuisance having to wear busbies--always feel like a bally Hungarian bandsman. As usual, forgot about the collection, so had to apply to Watney, who, being a parson's son, is up to these moves; result--put in half-a-crown. Fancy Watney regards it as a little private field day, as he invariably has half-crowns and nothing else. Told me afterwards he'd lent five.

Spent most of this afternoon trying to instil some measure of tidiness into my servant.

_Monday._--On duty. Inspected the grub first thing. Awfully good chap our Quartermaster; tried to show me how to spot bully beef. 'Pon my soul I think the real work of a Battalion is done off the scenes, as it were.

How the deuce they manage to feed nine hundred beggars without a regular fuss, beats me.

No complaints about the breakfast. My own a bit off, as I was late.

Preliminary training and drills. Been trying to hammer a little knowledge into our N.C.O.'s. The non-commissioned man may be the backbone of the army, but I'll be hanged if he is of the Volunteers.

Went round lines at dinner. Two or three complaints; either too much fat or too little gravy. Got rather good wheeze for these occasions; nearly always come from an untidy lot, so invariably say I never take complaints from a dirty tent; makes 'em very sick. Turned out the guards; good thing in principle, generally a bally farce in practice.

_Tuesday._--Had to dig young Brown out of his tent about 2 A.M.; his man hadn't slacked off the tent ropes, and as there was rather a heavy dew, the whole show collapsed. Fancy B. thought the camp had been rushed, as we discovered him clutching his sword. His lamp had been knocked over, and he was soaked in paraffin, and smelt vilely. Rotted B. about it all day.

Fooled about in rear of my half company most of the time, as the Captain was enjoying himself bossing everything; he might just as well have given me a separate job to do. Got rather hauled over the coals for not seeing that the men laid out their bedding properly. Asked the Sergeant Major what the regulation way was. Wish he wouldn't _always_ preface his information with "I should have thought, Sir, that that was one of the _first_ things an officer should know."

Rather a lark after mess; got young B. down and christened him "Violet de Parme," while Jackson played "Taint all lavender." Suspected B. of harbouring thoughts of revenge, so collared a syphon of soda, and after putting out my light crawled outside and waited for him. Just as he started letting the tent down, sallied forth and let fly the soda at him. Stirred up the Colonel, so had to lie awfully doggo.

_Wednesday._--Colonel rather grumpy about being disturbed. Did a futile Brigade attack to-day. Got told off as escort to some machine guns.

Asked the Johnnie in command of 'em what he was going to do. Said he didn't know, but thought they wanted him to keep out of the way, and interrupt the attack as little as possible. M.G.'s usually looked on as a nuisance, I fancy. I suggested it would be rather sporting if we worked out well to a flank, and then imagined ourselves ambushed, and bolted back on the main body; give 'em awfully great opportunity of showing what they could do in an emergency, but he wouldn't rise to it.

Simply a lovely chance lost of rotting up the show. Think I shall put in for the gun section next year.

[Ill.u.s.tration: The Gun Team.]

Went over to the Wildshires in the evening. Awfully sporting lot. Found 'em having chariot races in armchairs with obstacles. Being a guest, was asked to be pa.s.senger; nothing broken but the chair. Musical lot, too.

Have great formula when they want a song from anyone, "Will you come to the piano, or will you be fetched?" They generally come. Rather late before I got back. Never knew a camp with so many confounded tent ropes.

_Thursday._--Annual inspection. Filthy day. Inspected every ten minutes, with slight interval for showers. Was hurried off to a piquet. Rushed out patrols and sentries somewhere. Got told to alter 'em. If you wanted to know anything you were told to ask some one else. Always the same game. Hardly a soul knows what they're supposed to be doing. You're not certain yourself, and if you are, you haven't time to tell your men. So everyone produces little red books, and studies "What to do and How to do it," by "One who thinks he knows." No wonder the regulars jibe at us; it's astonishing we're as good as we are. Everybody a bit off to-day.

_Friday._--Paraded half an hour earlier, as we had about seven miles to march to the rendezvous. Tried to stop my fellows from emptying their water-bottles at the first halt. It would do 'em good if the water-cart got lost for once, and they had to make the contents of their bottles last them the day.

Find we're to act as rearguard to something. Got told off to occupy a bit of a wood right away on the flank. Thank goodness they haven't told me what to do or how long to hold on, or anything, so I shall get out of touch as soon as I can and play off my own bat. Rather good little wood.

Men awfully keen on the job. Soon after we occupied position, spotted party of the enemy coming through gap in the hills. Couldn't see them very well on account of the haze, so waited till they got fairly near, and then gave 'em a volley. They sent an orderly over to know what the deuce I meant by firing on the ambulance. Felt rather an a.s.s, but found out afterwards every party they had pa.s.sed had paid them the same compliment. Soon after scout came in with news of enemy. I wanted to ambush 'em, but some silly fool fired without orders, so it became a regular attack. Put three companies out of action before we retired, but cut it rather too fine, and a few of my chaps got collared. Found the rest of the rearguard had cleared before. Some of 'em mistook us for the bally foe, and blazed into us like old boots. Rotted 'em no end when we got up to them. Everything got in the most awful muddle after a bit; no one knew who was which. After the "Cease fire" sounded came across a lot of chaps firing like mad at anybody who came near. Told 'em the "Cease fire" had gone. "'Cease fire' be d.a.m.ned!" said one of them. "We ain't had a look in till now!"

Rather rough time getting back to camp. Thought at one time half my lot were going to fall out, so went for 'em like anything. Called 'em a "bally lot of school-girls out for a Sunday-school treat," which upset them somewhat, so they bucked up and not one caved in, although we were all pretty well "baked."

Awfully festive night. The Wildshires had a camp fire, nearly all the Brigade turned out. Any amount of choruses. Had fearful "rag"

afterwards. Scotson got hold of a wheelbarrow, formed a machine-gun detachment, and rushed the Southshires' lines. Awfully "pi" lot, and got very sick. Whenever they started to object charged 'em with the "Maxim,"

and drove 'em to earth. When I got back found my tent struck and a note on it begging me not to disturb the Colonel when pitching it. Got out my blankets, rolled up in them, and slept outside.

_Sat.u.r.day._--Find I'm stuck in charge of the baggage. Must see if I can manage it without the usual row. Rather nice fellow is the A.S.C. in charge of transport. Told him we'd got it all ready, and he needn't worry. Shall just have time for my fellows to get breakfast and then slip into it. Everything seems all serene, so I'll get a bite myself.