"Are you okay?" he whispered, my face now nestled in the crook of his neck.

"You bet. That guy is no cowboy."

Josh chuckled. "That he isn't." Then still holding my hands, he made me move around him so that I stood at his side, his arm tight over my shoulder.

Our bodies relaxed against each other. I was home.

"Quite the cute couple," Freddie hissed, while his fingers touched his cut lip. He was bleeding. I didn't feel sorry for him. For all I cared, he could bleed dry. "I wonder what Eleanor will have to say about all this."

"Shut up, loser," I threw back at him. "Stop threatening me."

Josh's gaze zeroed in on me, his eyes cold. "What is he threatening you with?"

"He knows."

Josh's muscles went rigid again. "What?"

"That America's Sweetheart is almost a bigamist. Married and engaged." Freddie whistled. "You're a busy boy."

But Josh ignored his ranting and stared point blank at me. "You told him?"

I shook myself away from him. "What do you take me for? He overheard us at the Turf."

"Chill out, Joshua." Freddie was now leaning against his car, a cigarette hanging out of the unhurt corner of his mouth. "I'd be curious to see what Bruce Carrington will think of his future son-in-law if he found out he was already married." He lit the cigarette and took a drag. "Tsk, tsk, you might not remain his protege for much longer."

I expected Josh to pound his fist back into Freddie's jaw. Instead he buried his hands in his jean pockets. "And let me guess, you'll be happy to step in and fill the position in Eleanor's heart and in her bank account."

Freddie rolled his eyes upward as if he was considering the suggestion, then nodded. "Someone would need to step in and help the poor, heartbroken girl."

"In that case, I expect you to apply full disclosure as well. Bruce might be intrigued by your rather surprising sexual history."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

In Josh's profile, I saw the corner of his mouth curl up. "Really? Because I have this picture of you. Remember: Eleanor's birthday last month? You were in that tiny little corner, when everyone was looking away, and I almost missed you locking mouths with Patrick Whitacker."

Freddie jumped back to his feet. His attitude had vanished in the last puff of his cigarette. "That's not true." What next? Freddie stamping his foot like a pissed-off toddler.

"Hmm... What do they say? 'The camera never lies.'" Josh looked like he was almost enjoying himself. Something told me Freddie hadn't been his favorite person in Oxford. "Funny what you end up catching while taking a picture of the birthday girl blowing on her candles."

I hadn't seen that side of Josh before. All businesslike and cold. Not that he'd ever been a wimp.

"If you ask me, Patrick could do much better than you. I hope it was just a momentary lapse of judgment on his part. He deserves to be with a decent guy."

Freddie's mouth fell downward. He'd lost. "I'll back off." And because Josh wasn't saying anything, he spelled it out, "I won't say anything to Eleanor."

"Good." Josh focused back on me. "Have you left anything inside his car?"

I rushed back to the passenger seat and took out my bag. He waited for me on the sidewalk, this time with the books I'd seen earlier spread on the street, then started walking away from Freddie's car. I followed.

Silence reigned while we headed back towards the town center. At least, I thought that was the direction we were headed. Oxford wasn't mapped out in my head.

I was usually good with silence, but this one had lasted too long. "Thanks for saving the day."

Josh stopped. He stared down at me, his legs planted wide apart, and his height made my body shrink. "I can't stand the sight of him. I've only let him close because he was a family friend of Lenor's. But what were you doing in his car in the first place? So drenched that everyone can see your bra through your T-shirt."

I stared down to where Josh's eyes rested. Yep, white, wet T-shirt over purple bra. I tightened my leather jacket over my chest. "He gave me a lift. I was on my way to see you, but it started pouring and he was driving by. I didn't want..." Stop babbling.

Josh cut me off anyway. "How did you know I was at Rhodes House?"

"Eleanor told me."

"What the fuck were you doing with her?"

His swearing hit me. He didn't do that often, unlike me, although I'd have to train myself if Lucas was going to be in my life. "She wanted to talk to me... about you." I held up my hand, palm facing his way. "Relax, I didn't spill the beans on your dirty little secret." Since that was what I'd become to him. "I focused on your parents. I didn't even bitch on your dad." I shrugged. "Well, not that much."

"I don't want you to get close to Lenor again." He groaned, and a couple passing by frowned at him. When he talked again, he was back in control. "I'm planning to tell her as soon as I've made up my mind about the next step." His gaze dropped. "I'm not proud of withholding the truth from her. I just wanted to pretend it hadn't happened."

That I hadn't happened.

With Freddie's lips on me, I had wanted to puke, but Josh's words made me feel as though I'd been walking the streets for the past ten years.

I lifted up my chin and prayed for it not to tremble like a leaf. "Breaking news! I do exist, so does our son."

Our son. I'd never said it out loud before.

I forced myself to take a deep breath. "I didn't expect you to jump around when I told you about him. It's big and you need time to digest it."

Josh bit the inside of his cheek, but there was no other tell-all sign. Cars drove by on the one-way street where we were standing. I smelled their exhaust.

"But you need to do the right thing."

Josh crossed his arms over his chest and his books, looking like he had earlier with Freddie, all businesslike and cold. "The right thing? So you now know what that means."

I was missing something here and I felt a frown crease my forehead.

Josh refreshed my mind. "Back in Steep Hill, six years ago, I asked you to do the right thing, to believe in us and do the best for our baby. But, in those days, you didn't give a shit about the right thing."

I remembered that conversation now. Outside the gymnasium. Before practice. "I did the best I could at the time. You have to believe me. I didn't make that decision lightly. I wrestled with it. I agonized over it. But then... I did what I did."

Josh shifted the weight of his books from one arm to the other. "The best? You made that child an orphan. Twice. First when you abandoned him. Second, when his parents died. Try harder from now on."

"That's what-"

"-Or better, stop trying."

My throat went dry. I wanted to shake him up, to make him stop arguing about the past, what I couldwhat I shouldhave done. "I can't stop trying. Lucas is alone. He needs me. I don't know what to do. And I don't think I can help him without you." Despair made my words rush out my mouth. "You won't have to stay with us forever, not even a year." I sounded desperate.

Josh stepped back, shaking his head. "You're delusional, Cassie, totally delusional" I lifted my fist in the air to argue my case but he didn't give me the time. "I won't let you wait for my decision any longer. One way or the other, start packing you things and book your ticket home."

My fist fell back down in line with my body. Josh moved forward until a three-yard gap separated us. My feet rooted to the sidewalk.

He spun around. "But you're right. I've got to do the right thing... which includes doing the right thing to the girl I love, the girl who's ready to spend forever with me, not just next year."

And like that, he walked around the corner of the street and disappeared.

My stomach hardened. I thought I knew jealousy, but I so did not. Jealousy wasn't about hate or greed. It wasn't violent. Jealousy was that gaping hole deep inside, empty of all the love they shared.

fifteen.

Steep Hill ~ October, six years earlier.

Josh.

I'm late for practice. Second time this week and Coach isn't going to let it fly.

I've been looking for Cassie outside her chemistry class, but she'd already left. I turn the corner of the corridor and here she is, in front of her locker. I slow my pace. As much as I'm an open book to her, I don't want to look too desperate and scare her off.

"Hey!" I say at the same time as she's shutting her locker.

She jumps around, her hand on her chest. Great, I've scared her.

"Hey," her voice is weak, her face closed. "You should be in practice."

"Yeah, but I've been looking for you. Did you get my voicemail yesterday? I was waiting for you to call back." And now my cell is tattooed over my right cheek because I fell asleep on it.

Cassie eyes the space on either side of me as if she wants to escape.

"Don't do that again." My words sound like a warning.

She blinks and I see her take a quick breath. "What am I doing?"

"The whole 'cat and mouse' circus. We don't have time for that anymore."

"Can you let me go? I'm late for practice too."

I bar her way. "You're kidding? You're not going to practice."

She tilts her head backwards so that she can stare at me straight in the eyes this time. "Why not? I'm still a cheerleader."

"Because you're..." I stop before shouting the next word. I scrape my hand through my hair to get myself back under control. When I speak again, it's a really low whisper. "Because you're pregnant."

"Thanks for reminding me. I'd forgotten since this morning, when I spent half an hour worshipping the ceramic throne in my bathroom."

"You're sick?" I wish I could have been there. I hate it when guys puke their guts out because they're shitfaced, but that's different. My shoulders slump. I feel powerless.

"Lucky me. Five weeks in, and I'm already emptying my stomach regularly." She shakes her head. "They shouldn't call it 'morning sickness,' but 'all-day-all-night sickness.'"

I extend my arm so that I can support myself against her locker. I want to make sure she gets what I'm about to say.

"So why are you still going to practice if you feel that shitty?"

"Because I want to keep my life as normal as possible. Until I can't anymore."

Without warning, Cass wriggles past me, picks her bag up from by her feet and starts strutting towards the nearest exit. I hurry after her, but I keep my mouth shut because the corridor is crowded. Even outside, I wait until we're some distance from the school building before I open my mouth again.

"Our life will never be normal again. You'd better get used to it."

Cassie grabs my forearm and pulls me to face her. "So why are you going to practice as if nothing has changed in your life?"

Because I'm not the one carrying a baby, I want to shout. But then, I start using my brain. The sensitive part of it.

"You're right. But the only thing I can think about is you..." I step forward and my hand brushes her stomach. "... and our baby."

Cassie recoils and slaps my hand away from her.

"Too easy." Her eyes narrow. "Don't sugar-coat me, Champ. You think about it, but I live with it. I'll live with it for the rest of my life."

"And you don't want to." When I say those words, my heart gets heavier in my chest. "The other night, we'd agreed to do the right thing."

"But what's the right thing for the baby? Tell me, Josh. Some teenaged parents without a cent to their names? There's no such thing as the right thing anyway. It's difficult for someone like you to understand. In life, you don't do the right thing, you just get by."

"Not me. Not us." I've no idea where I get the confidence from. "When it's about you, 'getting by' will never be enough." She tilts her head to the sky and lets out a deep sigh. I'm not letting her get away with it. "You're scared, I get it. Believe me, I am too. But we have to stick together. You won't be on your own like your mom was when she had you."

Cass stumbles backwards. Yeah, I guessed right. I've just dug out the root of her fears.

"I'm going to take care of you, just like you've always taken care of me. It's not going to be easy, but I won't let you down."

"MacBride, move your ass and let Cass get dressed with that skimpy skirt of hers. We're late." That's Woodie, sprinting towards the field. Bad timing.

"Yeah, coming now." I wave at him to tell him to keep going.

She readjusts her bag over her shoulder. "We should go."

"Please let me carry this. At least, let me do that for you."

She gives in and we head toward practice without another word. When we reach the changing rooms, I hand her back her bag. I lean forward and brush the tip of her nose with mine. I make sure I'm not crowding her. I have to curl my fists so that I don't take her in my arms. I need to feel her against me. It's been so long.

Cass is about to turn away but I've not said my last word. "Remember, you and I, we don't just get by."