She'd said so in a long voice mail and email and text.

Josh's hand reached for my elbow and I flinched. "Trust me. It's no vacation. She's very upset about missing this, but some bad stuff happened with her family."

"I thought Lucas was her family now," I charged.

"Her parents are getting a divorce." Josh cleared his throat. "Her mother has a long history of substance abuse. It took a turn for the worse early this week and Eleanor joined her in France to check her into rehab. Lenor is an only child. If she doesn't care for her mom now, nobody else will."

"Oh." I took my anger down a notch because I felt guilty for the outburst. "Well, I hope things get better."

"She'll fly out as soon as her mother's safe. Thanks, Cass." His voice trailed on my name. He pointed his thumb toward the Sorensons' house. "Are you ready for this?"

No. "That's what we agreed. Having me and Mr. Guidi around when Lucas meets you for the first time."

I passed him and joined Mr. Guidi then rang the bell. Nothing. I rang it again. Finally, Mrs. Sorenson answered, a stick-thin woman. "You're on time."

I felt Josh stiffen behind me.

"Thanks for letting us see Lucas. We really appreciate it." Around Mrs. Sorenson, I always went into full-on ass-kissing mode. I didn't want to piss her off in case she'd get pissed-off with Lucas as soon I turned my back on her.

"As long as Social Services are okay with it and the grandfather is there..."

After giving Josh the once-over, she slipped back inside the house. I took it as a sign we were allowed to follow her.

"He just got back from pre-school. He's playing in the backyard."

The four of us stood in the middle of a plain living room whose center piece was a giant flat-screen TV. Some reality TV show provided the background noise. I knew the way to the backyard.

"Can we go through the kitchen?" I asked.

Mrs. Sorenson flopped onto the coach. She waved us through.

"Such a lovely soul." I heard Mr. Guidi mutter under his breath.

Without looking back, I hurried out of the room, through the adjoining kitchen and into the yard.

He was there, in the afternoon sun, sitting on the still swing, his little hands clenched around the ropes, his eyes lost in a place that I knew was lonely. As with every time I saw him, love burst forth from every cell in my body. I wanted to run and grab him to my chest and smother him under kisses and cuddles. I steadied my breathing instead.

Josh joined my side. I didn't turn toward him. I couldn't. I was already so aware of him, of his arm brushing against mine. While the world around us turned silent, I heard his breathing rushing through his mouth. I felt his fingers slowly lacing with mine.

Lucas returned from his daydreaming.

"Cassie!" he squealed and ran with his chubby arms extended toward me. "You're back!"

It was like the backyard had shaped itself into a triangle with Josh, Lucas and me at each point, with nothing else existing outside it. I broke contact with Josh to catch Lucas. We twirled around, his legs and arms winding around me like a cute monkey. "I told you I'd come back."

As I always did, the tip of my nose nuzzled against his dark, thick hair, then the hollow of his neck. I breathed him in.

"And Grandpa's here too!" More squealing, then his mouth slopped against my cheek in a wet kiss. I placed him back on the grass and squatted down to his level.

"I've brought a friend with me." I looked up at Josh and he got my silent message to kneel next to me. "His name is Josh."

"Hi, Lucas." I could hear the lump in Josh's throat. "I'm glad to finally meet you. Cassie told me so much about you."

My eyes ping-ponged between the two and I almost fell on my knees. They were identical. From the stubborn way their hair parted in the middle, to their hazelnut eyes, to the dimples at the corners of their mouths. It was like my genes had been totally overruled by Josh's DNA.

Lucas went all shy and nestled against me.

"Don't be afraid, Champ, Josh has come to play ball with you. He used to be a quarterback at school. Just like your daddy."

Josh's gaze left Lucas and drilled through me. His lips were slightly apart, as if he'd just had the biggest surprise. He recovered and, when he talked to Lucas again, he sounded cheerful. "You like football, Champ?"

My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. Early on, I'd started calling Lucas by the nickname I'd used for Josh. Maybe it was wrong but, quite frankly, I'd made so many mistakes... I'd never expected that Josh would find that one out.

"I do, I do!" Lucas clapped his hands. "Cassie got me a Chiefs ball. My daddy loves the Chiefs."

Lucas's eyes were now so full of expectation, it floored me. He wanted us to say that his daddy would be back soon and play ball again with him. I couldn't say anything like that and my brain went blank.

Josh came to my rescue. "What about you show it to me so that I can teach you a few tricks?"

Lucas sent me a silent question and I answered, "It's fine, Champ. Josh is cool." My tummy fluttered under Josh's grateful gaze. "I'm sure you're going to like him very much."

And since half of my DNA was in that little boy, he wouldn't resist Josh for very long.

Josh stood and offered his hand to Lucas, who took it after one last glance at me. I could have sworn Josh skipped a breath. Slowly, they walked to the other side of the yard where the ball I'd given to Lucas before flying to England was waiting to be played with.

"They look exactly the same."

I jumped. Mr. Guidi was next to me. I smiled at him, a bit guilty that I'd forgotten all about him.

"I hope Lucas got Josh's sharp brain too. It will take him far."

For a minute, the old man didn't say more and then, "Your brain does function very well, dear. So does your heart."

It was kind of him to say that but, if my brain functioned well, it still wasn't Josh's finely tuned machine.

"You shouldn't be standing. Let me get you something to sit on."

Mr. Guidi waved at me, but his shoulders were stooped and I didn't trust his knees any more than I had before we got into the house. I grabbed one of the worn-out outdoor chairs leaning against the shed and helped him settle onto it. There was a tiny corner of the garden that had some shade. Lucas wasn't throwing as much as dropping the ball in Josh's direction. And "direction" was maybe a bit too precise.

My boy was so cute. Not yet NFL material, but cute.

I sat cross-legged on the grass at the foot of Mr. Guidi's chair. We kept each other company without exchanging another word. No awkward silences, just happiness for both of us. You didn't pass on happiness like that. You swam through it for as long as you could because you never knew when an undercurrent would come along and carry you away.

Like it, hate it, such is life.

thirty-four.

Josh.

Tonight definitely had an air of dej-vu about it.

Same field, same music, same people... same ice-cold beer. Except now we didn't have to sneak it out of the house behind our parents' backs. We were grown-ups. I almost choked on my beer. Watching the crowd move around, flirting, dancing, drinking, we still behaved like kids.

I'd parked my truck so that it faced the fires around which my high school friends were goofing. The air I breathed was dry and smoky. I'd missed that smell. I leaned against the hood, my legs crossed at the ankles, sipping my first beer of the night, happy to be left on my own. I didn't intend to get smashed like the last time I was here. A trip into the woods with Clarissa wasn't in the cards either.

I shook my head to cast away the memory. A lot of water had passed under the bridge since then. I still screwed up, but I'd be a better man from now on. I had my boy to keep happy and, hopefully, I'd make Lenor happy too. I bit the inside of my cheek. As much as she couldn't be with me right now, I couldn't be there for her either when the shit hit the fan with her family.

I took another swift gulp of my Bud. Was I asking too much from her? Yes, she wanted a family with me. Yes, she wanted to be Lucas's mom even if another woman had given birth to him. Lenor was so genuine in everything she did. I had to believe her on that one. That was what I loved about her.

"Five long years but you finally made it back to Steep Hill."

I knew that voice too well.

"What's up Woodie?"

I straightened up to face him. We used to be best friends, but again, so much time had passed, and I suspected he didn't cherish my memory. He'd been at Cassie's side each time I hadn't.

Cassie followed close behind. Yes, tonight definitely had an air of dej vu about it.

I held out my hand to Woodie. I half-expected him to ignore it. When he didn't and I got a strong handshake instead, I felt strangely grateful to Cassie. However angry she might have been, she hadn't turned our friend against me.

"It's good to see you, Wood."

He brought forward the bottle he held in his hand. I did the same with mine and they clinked. "Same here."

Then my eyes flickered away from Woodie to reach for Cassie.

"Cass." I nodded toward her. I couldn't keep the smile from my face. "You look lovely."

Her eyes widened. I swore inside my head. Complimenting your ex-wife-to-be had to be a breach of etiquette. Because "divorced" was what we would officially be in a couple of weeks once the papers were all duly signed.

"You look good too." Cassie had never been into rules and etiquette anyway. "You've put your old clothes on."

I looked down at my hooded grey top, my most ancient pair of jeans and even more ancient sneakers. Mom had kept my old stuff, and my bedroom had become some kind of shrine to the glory of the prodigal son.

Cassie came and stood next to me. "You look like yourself again." She leaned against the hood of the car next to me and took a sip of her Coke.

She looked like she always did. Tight white T-shirt, denim skirt and cowboy boots. Her hair fell over her shoulders, blond and wavy. Perfect.

"I'll leave the two of you to exchange fashion tips and check out the beer supply." Woodie waved at us and strutted away. He wasn't walking in a straight line.

"How much has he had?" I asked.

"Too much. We came in his truck but I'll drive him back." She scrunched up the tip of her nose. "He's been a bit off since I came back."

It felt like Cassie was confiding in me. For the first time since our paths had crossed again, that crazy tension between us wasn't there. I could still feel the electricity. I guessed it would always be there.

"Any idea why?"

"I've put the farm on the market. A realtor is coming tomorrow morning to appraise it." She sipped on her Coke. "Woodie will be staying behind."

The news took me aback. To give me the time to process it, I fixed my attention on Woodie's back while he high-fived Nichols, one of our old teammates.

"So you're finally turning the page on Steep Hill?" I'd failed to keep my voice neutral. She was turning the page on me, on us, on whatever we'd ever been.

She didn't acknowledge my question. Instead she flattened her free palm on the tailgate and lifted herself up onto it. I turned my back on the crowd and laid my forearms on the truck so that my hip almost touched the side of her knee. We were next to a crowd of people we'd known all our life. It was wrong to want Cassie the way I still did. But I did and, as long as I didn't act upon it anymore, it was my secret to keep.

"Where are you going?" Maybe she'd answer that question.

But she didn't. She was looking at me instead, her eyes roaming over my face. I stared back at her, at the way the firelight danced over her skin.

I filled her silence. "You don't want me to know."

"I don't know what I want, Josh... I mean, I don't know what I want for myself, for my tomorrow."

"What about music? Nashville?" Cassie deserved to go after her dream.

"I'd love to sing again. Working a crowd, you know..." Her eyes didn't meet mine. "I'm not expecting a big record deal or anything that crazy but just being on stage again, even in a smoky bar full of people knocking down some Jack."

"Then go for it, give yourself a chance, Cass. Give your dream a chance."

Damn, I sounded like a politician already.

She stared at me skeptically. Seconds passed.

"Thanks, Champ." She straightened herself. "I needed to hear you say that. That it didn't make me a bad person if I didn't give up on music like I gave up on Lucas. I-"

"-You didn't give up on Lucas." My fingers circled around her wrist. I just couldn't let her say that, let her live the rest of her life thinking that about herself.

But she shrugged. "What I do know is that you and Lenor need a clean slate to create a real family for him."

"Lucas adores you." After the time the three of us had spent together over the last week, that much was clear to me. "Why would you drop from the face of the earth when you're one of the only things he's got left from the past?" When you are my past. "Plus that's not fair to you. You know you can visit him. We've talked about this. Lenor agrees. I know it could be awkward, but..."

Cassie slid her hand along the crook of my elbow. She had that resolve about her-a peace-I hadn't seen before. "There's no right way, Josh. Getting out of Lucas's life might be a mistake. But I have to listen to my gut and give Eleanor a chance. She won't become Lucas's mom overnight. He'll be adopting her as much she'll adopt him. So will you."

"But you'll be on your own." With nobody to look after her. "Can you do me favor?"

She nodded.

"I need to know where you live, be it Nashville or anywhere else. I need to know you're safe. Will you keep in touch?"

The corner of her mouth lifted and her eyes twinkled. "What about that? I promise I'll keep in touch better than you ever did."