I couldn't. The last time a guy locked lips with Cassie in front of me-on that day in December when she left Steep Hill to go "on tour"-I'd beaten him to a pulp. No doubt that roommate of hers was a worthier fighter than the rock god she'd fallen for before. Or pretended to.

Whatever. Cassie always ended up fucking with my head. I didn't want to go back to how I used to be. I'd better get the hell out of there before I let jealousy rule me again. But I wasn't seventeen anymore. "Let's talk about it over there." I pointed at the street behind me and marched away from Cassie and her roommate. I reached the corner of her street when she caught with me.

"Sam kissed me. I was very upset and he kissed me. That's it. It never happened before." She was breathless.

Breathless and tinier than before. I looked down at her, my eyes following the soft curves of her body down to her... bare feet. What was she thinking? I'd have to carry her back home and make sure she wouldn't step on any broken glass, or worse, a fucking needle. I started bending forward to grab her by the waist and throw her over my shoulder. I froze. Cassie's wellbeing wasn't my business anymore.

"You do what you want, Cass. I guess your sex life is none of my business anymore. But for Lucas's sake, show a little restraint."

She shuddered, either because of the chill in my voice or because she was still only wearing that skinny dress of hers. I fought against the urge to put the jacket of my tuxedo over her shoulders. Her cheeks wore the telltale signs of recent tears, but they turned red under my eyes.

"It goes both ways, Champ. Next time, show some restraint when you feel like running after your ex-girlfriend or when you feel like kissing her."

What the hell!

"You spied on me."

"I sure did."

She said that with her cute little chin lifted in a challenge, and I forgot about restraint and shit. Her lips had to be mine again. My hand shot to her neck, and I pulled her against me. She made a small noise that turned me on even more. My tongue was dancing with hers in seconds.

I couldn't have enough of that sweet taste of hers. It was like nothing else, no one else. Her taste was mine. I owned it. Right from the start, I'd owned it. I wanted the rest of her to be mine again. My free hand shifted under her dress and shot directly to her panties. My dick took on a life of its own at the feel of her skin. I ran a finger under the string of her thong and stretched it against her. She let out a soft moan.

I groaned.

I palmed her ass and lifted her against me. In a couple of strides, I moved away from the halo of light projected by a streetlamp into a small spot lost in the dark. The hand I'd kept around her neck descended along her front, reached for one of her breasts. It filled my palm perfectly so that nothing of it was left untouched. I massaged it, let it swell. The nipple hardened beneath my fingers.

I needed more. I needed to be buried deep inside her, so deep that she couldn't run away from me ever again. Because if she did, I'd- Her mouth broke the kiss. "Stop!"

I couldn't, so I hunted for her mouth.

"Stop!" She managed to wriggle away from me.

I let her. I was so buzzed with lust that my brain was working at half-speed.

She pulled her skirt below her panty line. "We aren't supposed to do that. It's wrong."

That bit at my ego. I was about to come back to her with some shit about marital duty, but I shut my mouth. Too crass.

"I'm sorry." I waved my hands in apology instead. I was lying. Touching Cassie, kissing her, it always felt damn right. Maybe that was what was wrong.

"Eleanor loves you. You love her. I heard you telling her so tonight." Her voice broke.

She'd heard everything. She'd heard nothing. There were so many different types of love. I now knew that much. "I love her, but it doesn't matter anymore. We have to move on."

Cassie flinched, but she recovered quickly. "It does still matter and it makes a whole lot of difference."

It wasn't Cassie's style to speak in riddles. I had to make something crystal clear. "Whatever you heard tonight, it doesn't change my commitment to Lucas." Nothing could now.

"What if you could have both?"

I ran my hand through my hair. I wasn't following. Cassie bridged the narrow space between us.

"What if Lucas could have both? A mom and a dad who love each other, brothers and sisters."

Did Cassie want other kids? I'd always wanted a big family, but I wasn't about to tell her that. She might never be able to get pregnant again.

She looked at me and I saw the tears glistening in her eyes. That was when that lazy brain of mine kicked into gear.

"You're talking about Eleanor and me?"

She didn't react to my question.

"You're talking about Eleanor and me adopting Lucas." That wasn't a question anymore. I'd finally caught up. "having more kids together."

I was stunned. Like a robot, I walked to a small wall that bordered the front garden of one of the terraced houses in Cassie's street. I sat on it, hunched forward, my elbows resting over my thighs.

"Whatever you overheard tonight, Cass, it's not... it wasn't," I stammered, "it wasn't the whole picture."

She stood in front of me, her hands wringing in front of her. "I talked to Eleanor tonight. I've tried to hate her guts. Just to feel less guilty about ruining her life. But I can't."

I looked up at Cassie. The color had faded from her face. I'd never seen her so pale, so serious. Almost tragic.

"Eleanor is a loving person," I agreed.

"I understand what you see in her." I saw Cassie swallowing hard. "She knows how to make you feel safe, how to make you feel confident." All these things were true, but-. "She loves everything about you. That's why she'll love Lucas because he's so much like you. Maybe you and Eleanor were meant to be. Maybe my visit here wasn't so I could be with Lucas, but so I could bring you and Eleanor into his life."

Her hands clenched over her stomach as if all the tension in her body was gathering there.

I fought against the lump forming in my throat. "But you're his mom, Cassie."

"I carried Lucas inside me for nine months. I gave birth to him. But he doesn't know it. He can't understand what that means. He only knows me as a friend of his parents, one he sees from time to time. Jenna is the only mom he's had."

"But she's dead, Cassie. She's dead, and it's time for you to step up and build a life with our boy. The one you had to give up because you wanted the best for me, for him, for Mrs. O. The one you gave up because my father brainwashed you."

She stepped back and rubbed her finger under her nose. "I want to give Lucas what I never had. A real family. I am your past. Lenor is your future. The two of you will last. There's so much damage between you and me... we can't get over it. And then what? We'll divorce and I'll take Lucas with me. You'll see him at vacation time, maybe a weekend here and there...""

"I won't let that happen." This wasn't the father I wanted to be. "I'll help you get a nice place near me so that I can see him during the week. We'll find a way, Cass. We'll make it work. We don't even need to get a divorce. We can just pretend-"

"-Lucas deserves more than his parents playing at happy families. He deserves real, true love."

"We used to love each other like crazy. Maybe we can get some of that back." Maybe it had never gone away. "Last night rocked my world. I can't keep my eyes, my hands, my whole fucking body away from you."

"That's lust, Josh, not love. You've had enough one-night stands to know the difference."

"This wasn't a one-night stand. I know it. You know it."

But she'd already switched back to Lucas. "It doesn't matter to me if Eleanor doesn't share Lucas's DNA. It doesn't matter to her either." Cassie straightened up. "Does it matter to you?"

I shook my head. "Where does that leave us then?"

"I'll go back to Kansas City to be with Lucas until you're finished here. If I stay close by, nothing bad can happen to him in that foster home." She sounded as if she was trying to convince herself. "Once you're there, we'll sign the divorce papers and I'll help you and Eleanor get to know him. After that..."

"After that?" I was already feeling empty.

"After that, I'll get out of your lives... at least for a while. You'll all need a clean start and I'll make everything muddy if I stay in the picture." She was forcing herself to make her voice sound bossy. But it was shaky.

Maybe that could be the clean start Cassie needed too. Maybe she could finally have a chance to live her own life, go to Nashville and give her music a chance.

When I finally stood, our bodies aligned, a few inches apart. I felt like a giant because she was so tiny. I didn't want anyone else to take care of her. Certainly not her roommate. At the same time last night, I'd been about to sneak into her bedroom and spend the night holding her close to me. And more.

She cut through my memories. "You should go back to your place."

I cleared my throat. "Let me carry you back home. You shouldn't walk outside barefoot."

"Don't worry, I'm fi-"

I didn't let her finish. I picked her up and cradled her in my arms. She wrapped hers around me. She closed her eyes and rested her face in the hollow of my neck. The walk back to her house was far too short. But I had to let her slide slowly out of my hold and land gently on her feet.

"I'll come and see you tomorrow before you leave," I promised. "We can talk more."

"Each time we're together, we end up making out." Her fingers absently brushed the collar of my tuxedo. "Tomorrow, you must talk to Eleanor. She'll be waiting for you. She's already waiting for you."

Lenor would always be waiting for me. I wasn't sure I deserved her to. I wasn't sure I wanted her to.

"So this is goodbye?"

"Goodbye for now." Cassie gave me a faint smile and stepped into her house.

thirty-three.

Cassie.

God I'd really missed Kansas.

Years spent rambling on about "Nowheresville," dreaming about the "Big Wide World Out There," and I'd just been so freakin' relieved when my plane landed back at Kansas City International Airport two weeks ago.

My last day in England? I'd have to try hard to erase it from my memory. I'd locked myself in Sam's house. Alone. Anything to keep from running to Josh, from telling him and Eleanor I'd changed my mind; that I was keeping my baby.

I'd boarded the bus to London Heathrow, then my flight, without having gone back on my word. Woodie had been waiting for me at the airport. I'd crashed into his teddy-bear arms and cried like I had never cried before. For hours.

"You've missed the turn, dear."

I switched back to the here and now, throwing a quick glance in the side mirror of the ancient Honda Civic.

"Sorry, Mr. Guidi."

"Don't worry. Just take the next one on the right. We should be able to make our way back to their road."

Mr. Guidi was the sweetest man I'd ever met. In an alternate reality, I'd like to imagine he'd met Gran when they were younger. They'd have made a lovely couple. But I shook myself and took the right-hand turn. Gran was dead and Mr. Guidi was a widower whose only daughter had died in a car crash one month ago.

Lucas was the only family he had left. And, like me, the old man was getting ready to let him go.

I stopped Mr. Guidi's car in front of a well-kept house on Grand Avenue. We both peered through the car window, checking the small front yard with toys scattered everywhere. We had visited the place every day since I came back. Lucas's foster home was a massive upgrade from the ones I'd lived in until Gran rescued me.

Still, I clutched the steering wheel with my clammy palms. I hated seeing him there. The Sorensons kept the house clean and everything followed a routine: playtime, bath time, bed time. Lucas was safe, but by the way he ran to me each time I got out of the car, the way he snuggled against me and held my hand tightly... I knew he missed cuddle time.

"You're going to get through this, dear. Once we're done here today, we'll go back to my place and I'll make you a nice cup of cocoa." Mr. Guidi patted my knee as if I was the five-year old.

Since I returned to Kansas, I'd been staying at Mr. Guidi's house. He was the only one who understood how I felt, how I grieved. Unfortunately, after this, I was going straight to a law firm downtown. Because today, we were starting the divorce proceedings.

"Is the young man over there the infamous Josh MacBride?"

Mr. Guidi stared toward the street corner. I leaned forward to check through the windshield. I squinted against the sun.

My heart stalled, then sprinted. I swallowed three times in a row. Yep, it was Josh standing out there. My fingers wriggled around the steering wheel. It wasn't fair for any single human being to wreck my mind and my heart each time I laid my eyes on him. It was so goddamn unfair. He wore what I'd seen him wearing at that party back in Oxford. Clean-cut, pale blue shirt, well-pressed slacks, and his expensive sneakers. I stared down at my skinny legs stuck in century-old boots. Not a good match at all.

"That's him," I answered Mr. Guidi.

"He's on time."

"Josh is always on time."

"Courage, sweetie pie. You're going to see this through." Mr. Guidi unfastened his seatbelt.

I did the same and jumped out of the Honda to open the door for him. The poor man had grown weaker since the last time I'd seen him, before my trip to England. I took his arm and helped him out of the car. Then together, with his hand holding onto my elbow, we walked toward Josh who stared at me. I couldn't hold his gaze.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Guidi. I'm Joshua MacBride." Josh extended his hand towards Lucas's grandfather. The sound of his voice warmed me. How could I survive without hearing it ever again?

Mr. Guidi unclasped his hand from my arm to greet Josh. "Nice to meet you, son. I've heard a lot about you."

Josh stole a glance at me, his eyebrows arched. I chose to focus on the tips of my boots instead.

"I'll give the two of you some privacy before we see Lucas."

I was reluctant to let Mr. Guidi walk away. First, because his legs didn't look like they could carry him that far. Second, because being alone with Josh could trigger a panic-slash-lust attack. My emotions twirled around right beneath my skin.

I had to try to be in control. "Where's Eleanor?"

"In France."

"What the fuck, Josh?" I cursed myself for swearing. I'd been so good at talking prim and proper lately. "Sorry... But what the hell is she going on vacation when she promised to be here?"