The

Second Life – 1

Clank! The sound of porcelain colliding together

resounded in my ears. That was how my second life started.

“What happened? Iria.”

Soleil

peers in my direction. Inside my head, memories of my already ended previous

life rush over. It seems I’m about to faint. In front of my eyes is that same

white table than at that time. The tea wares prepared for that day had been

white porcelains adorned with the lovely design of scattered little flowers. I

had expressly ordered it from the regular merchant who had goods my little

sister seemed to like. The black tea leaves had been prepared for Soleil who

had always liked their fragrance, while several kinds of freshly

backed pastries had been made separately for Soleil who didn’t like sweet

things and for Silvia who liked them. Disregarding the words of our mother who

said it was alright to entrust it to the maid, I had arranged it myself. If I

didn’t do it, I wouldn’t have been able to calm down.

Until this

tea party, until this instant, my little sister had been ‘my cute, lovely

Silvia.' Soleil was unmistakably my fiancé, the sole person who cherished me.

For their sake, I had polished every detail to make this tea party an enjoyable event,

made preparations beforehand, set instructions, and made plans so that the two

of them could spend time in a relaxed mood. So, I had been thinking that

anything and everything would go well. Until the moment the two of them met.

The garden

where roses selectively bred were blooming beautifully was my mother’s pride

and the place in which tea parties were held each time a guest was invited.

That’s why this time too, it had been used. Because I had thought by doing so,

nothing could go wrong. Arranging the tableware, pulling on the cloth, letting

the maids set the tea and pastries. In that place, I waited for my little

sister and my fiancé. While having a pleasant chat with my fiancé who had

appeared first, I waited for my little sister to come. That child had been

laughing and saying she was feeling great this morning. So, she would

partic.i.p.ate in the tea party without fail. Thanks G.o.d. I was thinking I wanted

to make the introductions as soon as possible. I wanted to introduce to my cute little

sister the fiancé I boasted about.

Then, as I

was casually talking with my fiancé, I heard the footsteps of someone stepping

on the lawn. ‘Ah, my little sister has arrived’, I thought and rose my head.

Suddenly, when my line of sight landed on my fiancé who was sitting at my side,

he had the expression of someone who was befuddled. His usually

impeccable, toned profile, appeared somewhat idiotic as he was wearing a

strange expression. Seeing this, my heart became stiff.      

… … Ah,

once again.

Someone

whispered this inside my head. For a second, my breathing stopped.

… … This

time too, it happened.

Very

clearly, a voice I knew, said this.  

Carrying a

pale pink rose that my mother had put great efforts into raising, Silvia is

walking toward us. The beige dress that was close to a white hue matches her

clear white skin well. With her loosely tied silver hairs that are fluttering

in the breeze, her appearance closely resembles the picture of angels seen at

the church. I know that my blood is being drained from my complexion. To block

my field of vision, when I close my wide opened eyes, memories of my first life

flow through my head. My trembling hand drop the cup I am holding on its

saucer with a clank. 

“What happened? Iria.”

When I

notice, Soleil who should have been sitting beside me had got up. Across him,

my little sister Silvia stands here. I can see the figures overlap. Once

before, I had seen the two of them standing side by side like this. Yes, once,

in my previous life. At this moment that repeats itself, in the blink of an

eye, memories of my already lost life are recalled. I suppress the scream

that is about to escape my lips with both hands.

That I was

still somewhat able to not lose myself, I think it was probably due to my

attachment to Soleil.

I had

never forgotten the failure made at that first tea party. That’s why, somewhere

inside my confused head, the me of the previous life warns me I absolutely

mustn’t fail this time. I have to smile. That’s what I thought right away. Fend

it off with a smile. I must forgive the two of them who are staring at each

other.

When I get

up in a fl.u.s.ter and b.u.mp my foot on the table, the tableware on it make a strangely intense sound. 

“What happened? It’s not like you” says Soleil while smiling wryly. 

I realize that under my dress my feet are trembling.

“I apology.”

When I

smile, Soleil also answers with a smile and stroke my back in a smooth

motion. Receiving that gesture that seemed comforting, I almost erupted in cry

in spite of myself. The figure that had called me a murderer, had spat words of

hatred saying he would never ever forgive me, was presently not here.

I thought

I was granted a chance. That G.o.d had granted me a chance to redo my life. That

G.o.d had taken side with me who had met a sorrowful end due to false accusations.

“Soleil-sama, this is my little

sister Silvia.”

Smiling, I

make a quite natural expression rise to my face. When you are born as a n.o.ble,

you will become able to easily paste such an expression on your face. Seeing me

like this, Soleil also shows a smile. His eyes which are looking at me, as

expected, don’t contain any emotion at all. But at least, there is no color of

contempt.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, big

brother.”

Soleil

moves his line of sight from me to Silvia. For a mere moment, their line of

sight cross. While looking at this scene, I suppress my pounding heart atop my

clothes. In his eyes that look like a layer of thin ice, a color different from

usual had flicked then disappeared. I had certainly seen it. 

“Nice to meet you, little sister.

Isn’t it still a bit too soon to call me ‘big brother’ though?”

             Ah, I see. If like this, I calmly serve as

this tea party host, will this time proceed this peacefully? The noisiness of

the disturbance that happened in the previous time doesn’t exist, only a gentle

and soft breeze is blowing.

            It’s

alright, it’s alright, I can do it. I won’t tread on the same path than last

time. It won’t become the same, never, it won’t lead to that.

            Soleil

fixedly stares at Silvia’s face who lowers her eyes and says with a mild-mannered

expression that her body is not very healthy. I didn’t fail to notice those

fingertips that moved with a twitch. I am sure he wants to touch my little

sister. He must yearn for that ephemeral being. His fingers which touched me

without the slightest hesitation, were afraid to touch my little sister. It

seems like a voice telling himself ‘I want to touch, but I cannot’ was

resounding in his ears.

            ‘You

can’t. You mustn’t lose your composure’ warns the me of the previous life.

While striking a trifling conversation with Soleil and Silvia, I persuade both

my head and my heart by repeating any number of times ‘I understand, It’s

alright.’ I don’t want to be disliked by Soleil. I don’t want to be hated. Even

if I have returned to an already irremediable situation due to my behavior

until now, in that case I at least must avoid being hated. If it’s now, I

surely can do it. After all, I knew all the incident that would happen from now

on. All I have to do is to correct the mistakes. Everything will go well if I

correct every single error I made. Isn’t it a simple thing to do? Just like

how I’m doing now in that tea party, I certainly can manage it well.

            …

… This second life of mine, just like this, started to retrace the path treaded

in my first life.

            What

would make Soleil feels displeased if said, what would end up in a failure if

done, all the things the past me hadn’t been able to see, were terribly clear

to me. Rather than saying I vividly remembered my previous life, it was more

correct to say I distinctly knew what would happen after this. Before anything

had even started, the incidents that would occur from now on were reenacted in front

of my eyes. So, I chose the alternatives that would lead to a happier life than

in my previous existence. It was simple. I just had to follow the opposite path

of last time.

            However,

even so, there were occasions on which no matter what, things wouldn’t go the

exact way I had desired. For example, in a town I didn’t know, they

unexpectedly happened to meet. Or that time when Soleil went to visit Silvia who

was lying in bed due to her sickness. There was also the fact that, before I

knew it, Silvia had become acquaintance with Soleil’s friend. In this way,

there were incidents I couldn’t take part in and couldn’t correct the way I had

wanted to. At those times, I had no other choice but to believe in the huge flow

I couldn’t go against, namely the force called fate.

            In

other words, no matter what I did, I couldn’t prevent the two of them from

loving each other.

            If

I had to said what could be done, at most, it was preventing Soleil from

harboring animosity toward me. That was all I could do. It was only to that

extent.

            But

in fact, even if it was only this, it brought me a lot more pain that what I

had imagined.

             I had thought I could do it well. To be frank,

it can be said I had underestimate life. Because I had experienced it once, I

felt like I was G.o.d and thought I could chose the right path. No, actually,

because there was only one path I could chose, I intended to follow it.

            A

life devoid of choices, how much worth does it hold?

            Such

a thing, does it hold any meaning? I sealed away the words that convey my

feelings, I didn’t do the things I wanted to do. I became detached from honesty

and shut down my real thoughts in the depth of my chest. My thoughts didn’t

accompany the words that left my mouth, as if, I was only reciting from memory

a line someone had written, like I was trapped in an illusion. Sometimes, I didn’t even

know if I was breathing.

            Am

I really living my own life?

            Every

day that piled up, each time I became older, I came to ask myself such a question.

            Then,

following the days that were pa.s.sed in that way, Soleil and I got

married. It was the same as in my first life. The decisive difference was that

Silvia and I had built a good relations.h.i.+p as sisters. And Soleil and I had

also become able to face each other much more than in my previous life.   

            Life

was going better than the previous time. 

            But,

it was an irremediably vain life.

            It

was a lot similar to the days spent praying in that jail. There were no exits.

I didn’t have any freedom. Nor means to convey my thoughts.