The Second Life – 2

            In

my second life, among the alternatives I lost, there was the thing called

‘peace.’

            Although

I had sunk to the level of a foolish woman only concerned about Soleil who ran

around driven by a violent emotion of deep jealousy, originally, I wasn’t a

person who liked disputes. My words were few, I wasn’t eloquent, rather than

standing in front of someone, it was more in my nature to step back behind

someone and let him protect me. I wonder if it’s possible that, when you’re

born and raised as the daughter of a n.o.ble, it becomes your natural

disposition. An escort always sticks to you, before you can act a maid had

already sensed what you want to do and had carried it out. In an emergency

case, your life takes precedence over everyone else, you should be protected by

either your father or your husband, without doubt you will believe that their

large back exist for this purpose.

            However,

Soleil didn’t desire for his wife to be like this. Despite him falling in love

with a so frail being, even then, I don’t know if it’s because he was seeking a

person able to bear the weight of being a marquis’s wife, but he never allowed

me to be a weak existence. I think that was especially the case after we got

married. As the figure of a proper husband, while he would encourage me with

gentle words, if I were to really ask him to lend me his shoulder, he would

show a somewhat disappointed expression.  

            That

was why I had had to become a wife stronger than anyone.

            The

me of the first life, probably had only been a normal woman. The kind of woman

you could find anywhere. She may have received the training to become a marquis’s

wife, but it can be said it was only such a woman. Regarding her other aspects,

she was an ordinary woman to the extend she seemed pathetic. That was why, she

would slander the women who got close to Soleil or pick quarrels with them, using

these unmistakably poor methods to try to keep them away. The one who had been

barking like a weak dog, without doubts, it had been me. I think it was because

I clung to the position of being Soleil’s fiancé. With hairs of the plain color

of ashes, mediocre features, but without casting away the pride of being an

earl’s daughter, by relaying only on my feelings for Soleil, I always stood

stock still in the middle of the violent stream called life. For that purpose,

I had piled up efforts as thought I would vomit blood. Otherwise, even simply

standing would have been difficult.

            …

… In that manner, when I looked back on the me of my first life, I thought

this. All the things that happened, didn’t they occur because I had been a weak

human being? Because my heart was weak, because I was a daughter who had

nothing, I had provided a weak spot for those who looked down on me to take

advantage of. Because the situation had been like this, I had been accused of

the sin of murdering my own family and lost my life in jail.

            When

I learnt this was my second life, I thought that this time, I must lead it

well. Even if I only looked good on the surface. Even if I only became a paper

tiger. If, from the perspective of other people I looked like a tiger, those

who would attempt an attack would probably disappear.

            A

life that would end in a jail, I didn’t want to experience it again. The person

I loved didn’t trust me, my family turned their back on me, the people I

considered my friend ignored me once I was thrown in prison. The pathetic woman

who could only pray, didn’t receive a single word from them. Even if it had

been a lie, it would have been fine. If even one person had told me “I’ll help

you”, with only that I would have been saved. The me who had been waiting with

all her heart for that single word to be said, had been a pitifully and

miserably, irremediably wretched existence. And more than anything, she had

been foolish.

            That’s

why, the me of my second life, took every possible measure and used all the

cards she could play. Even if someone called me a coward, even if I was scorned

for only being a woman, I never gave in, and made full use of my position as

the next marquis’s wife. I acted that way at the time I was a fiancé, after the

marriage I expended my circle of friends, and with an authority that was enough

to overpower my surroundings, I strengthened my power base. I was considerably

helped by the personal connections I had built since my early childhood thanks

to my standing as Soleil’s fiancé. In my first life, I had been straightforward

like an idiot, and never had the idea of using others. So, in my second life, I

didn’t hesitate. Something like wavering shouldn’t happen. Them too, not for my

sake, not for me as an individual being, would spare no effort and lend a hand

if it was for a marquis. And in

exchange, I would also send my a.s.sistance if they needed it.

            …

… What I had overlooked in my previous life, now I could see it terribly

clearly. What words to choose for your conversation partner to harbor good will

toward you, what kind of att.i.tude to take to give him or her a good impression

of you; by always reading their slightest reactions, the human being called

Iria was created. When facing someone, I took note of their nonchalant

gestures, tone of voice, slips of tongue, expressions, line of sight, the

number of times they would blink, even reaching the point of noticing the

jolting of an eyeball, I observed them like I was descripting insects. When

doing this, in due course, I understood who betrayed me, or who would try to

betray me. I traced a clear demarcation between the people I could trust and

those I couldn’t.

            Sometimes,

only because there were slightly suspicious, people would be convicted.

            For

me, no, for the people backing me, the power to make such a thing happen

existed. In my first life, I had been in the position where I knew somebody had

set me up, but I myself had been unable to stop it. I knew that being careless would

led to dying. While tracking down people and driving them to a corner made me

harbor feeling of guilt, it was necessary in order to protect myself to the

end. Because I knew without doubts that if, like in my first life, I was

accused of any crime, both Soleil and my parents, even the friends I had become

intimate with, would easily abandon me. In that way, I simply single-mindedly

sought power, harvested all the highly subtle suspicions, and trampled them.

            To

this, Soleil simply gave his tacit consent. What I was doing, was similar to

how I had act before our marriage, but he probably knew I wasn’t driven by a

childish jealousy now. After all, he was a member of the n.o.bility. He

understood that by only glossing over things, you couldn’t defend the house.

For this reason, he chose me as his wife, as his piece.     

            “You’re a terrible woman” told me

someone. “I don’t want to become enemy

with you”, he smiled bitterly while somewhere in his eyes, he disavowed

such a woman.

            However,

only Soleil grasped my hand, and told me it was fine. “Even when I’m absent, I can entrust the house to you with peace of

mind.”

            …

… “I’m really glad I have taken a woman

such as Iria as my wife”, he said with a smile.

            That’s

why I persuaded myself. With this, it’s alright. With this, there is no doubt.

It was the correct past.     

            Any

number of times, I told myself that by following that path, by doing so, Silvia

wouldn’t die.

            For

the sake of protecting Silvia, to accomplish that end, this time I really have

to do my best. I have to be strong. I have to be an existence everyone is

afraid of. No matter how much I truly don’t want to be such a figure. I must

become an existence completely different from the child Soleil fell in love

with.

            And

then, in the early summer three years after our marriage. The fateful day came

once again.

            In

my second life, the gang of thieves that had attacked Silvia that day had

already been arrested. The one who had acted against them had been me. Because

I couldn’t stand by and do nothing when I knew she would be attacked, I used

all the cards in my hands to drive that organization to its annihilation. They,

who were arrested, probably had never thought such a thing would happen. They

had dumbfounded expressions. When I looked at those faces, I could see that the

raid on Silvia had only really just be due to the flow of events. At least, at

the stage when they were arrested, they hadn’t plan to attack the carriage of

an earl. In other words, that incident in itself only occurred that day by

accident. And of course, Silvia hadn’t been specially targeted. The people who

had set me up had just made good use of this incident.

            If

you thought like this, since the gang of thieves had been arrested, the odds that

Silvia wouldn’t die were high.      

            However,

I could hardly say the situation was safe. Because I didn’t know what kind of trigger

would bring about that calamity. Clearly explaining her to not go outside,

deploying an escort behind the scene, I devoted myself to the sake of

protecting that child.

            I

have to change the course of these events. I simply thought that.

            The

future where Silvia is killed. The future where I am arrested as the murderer.

The future where Soleil turns his back on me. This huge flow that is headed

toward those ends, I have to change it.

            On

that very day, just to be sure, I made Soleil head toward my parents' home. It would have

been fine to go there myself, but if anything happened, two woman who could

barely move would simply become hindrances. When it came to Silvia, if you had

to name only one person you could entrust her to, there would be no one else

but Soleil. I don’t want to let him go, I don’t want to let Silvia and Soleil meet.

But even if that was what I thought, for that one day only, I couldn’t let

anyone else go to that child’s side. When I told him that recently, Silvia had

been in a poor condition and I wanted him to meet her in my stand, Soleil

agreed without raising any question. Just for a little bit, in front of that

slightly relaxed lips, I closed my eyes, lowered my head and entrusted him with

my little sister. At the tip of my lowered line of sight, my crossed hands were

trembling. For what reason were they trembling, I don’t know. Because I’m

anxious? Because I’m insecure? I thought at once I mustn’t let Soleil notice

it. What should I do if he perceives it? What excuse can I make? Thinking all that,

I raised my head, but.

            …

… He wasn’t even seeing me.    

            My

face was indeed reflected in his eyes, but it was as if he was looking at me

from afar. Was he thinking about Silvia who he would meet after this?   

            However,

even then, it was fine. Because, I hadn’t been wrong. I hadn’t made a mistake.

Even if the trembling of my hands wouldn’t calm down. Even if Soleil doesn’t

even notice it.

            As

long as that child doesn’t die, it’s alright. It was today. For today. Today

only. I ought to tolerate it.

            Then,

that day pa.s.sed peacefully and uneventfully, like any other ordinary day.

Silvia was safe and nothing happened. It seemed she didn’t leave the mansion

nor did she go outside. At last, I had made it through.

            Thanks

goodness. It was great. Truly great. The things I did weren’t in vain. 

            On

the evening of that day, alone, I broke down crying.

            I

felt I had finally been released from the fate that ended in tragedy. In a mood

where I wanted to let out in a cry that all was fine, I shed tears without

suppressing my sobbing. I pretended I didn’t notice that Soleil, who said he

would be back by dusk, hadn’t return even after it had become the middle of the

night.

            …

… And then, the time that I had lost in my first life, was returned to me.

            I

earnestly believed I would become a new me, that from now on my real life would

start. My expectations and hopes were that, my life from now own would be

conferred with a brilliant glow. I was convinced of that. Even now, Soleil was

at my side, performing his duty as a husband. In the future, I would always be

beside him.

            Right,

it wouldn’t be bad to have children soon. My true role was to give birth to the

next heir and to raise him. Soleil would surely become a good father, and even

I could become a good mother. Right, it would be good. To have a family. To

become a family.  

            This

time, I would truly be united in marriage with Soleil.

            I

had such a dream. A blessed and happy dream.

            A

dream that was destined to never come true.