If this is the real end – 4

“I no longer love you.”

         When I

put them out loud, I managed to say those words without much difficulty. The

painful cramp in the depths of my chest was a remnant of the “memories” from

the numerous lives I have acc.u.mulated. Even though I certainly thought it was

painful, I also felt that I had built up a resistance to the pain that had been

steadily carved in this body. For that reason, I thought that if I tried to not

mind it, I could manage it somehow.

“I no longer… …”

         In the

library that had become deadly silent because n.o.body was here anyway, I

pretended to read a book and whispered it one more time. Then, I noticed that

my lips were trembling. It was painful and felt as if my struggling breath was

blocked in my throat, and instinctively I tightly grasped my neck with both

hands. Simultaneously a strained laugh leaked out from my lips because I

realized what I was doing. I was strangling my neck as I imagined the incident

that hadn’t happened presently. I hadn’t lost myself to the point of not

noticing this foolishness. 

“… … love, you.”

         The disconnected

words that I muttered a second time melt into the air, leaving behind a

trailing note. However, those words that lost their existences as sounds still

coiled around this body and wouldn’t leave it. There were words imbued with

that much meaning. In all those lives until now, for Soleil’s sake, for my

little sister’s sake, but also for my own sake consequently, I tried to convey

it many times. I knew lying to myself was the best method and I thought I

should do that. Just a single word, if I could say it, Soleil and I could have

moved forward to form a more positive relation.  

If we didn’t love each other.

If we didn’t harbor any feeling.

         A plain

and indifferent relation should have been permitted. Building a relation of

trust as two work partners strictly would be alright. Even if we couldn’t

become a harmonious couple, in order to defend the territory, we could have

fabricated a partners.h.i.+p that would have taken the name of “family.” And yet,

in every life, I never could convey those words.

“Why?”

I wonder why I’ve fallen in

love with Soleil. In those lives that kept repeating again and again, I also

kept repeating this question again and again. Even though I knew I won’t

receive an answer, without never ever coming to an end this doubt never get swept

away. In that day in my childhood, in that moment, I remembered the sensation

that appeared when our eyes met. No matter how many lives acc.u.mulated, no

matter how much time pa.s.sed, that emotion never faded. Rather than describing

it as falling in love, it was more correct to say that something felt. If I

dared name that event. If that hapless fate was the works of G.o.d.

         Then it

was exactly like a divine revelation.

         No one

would call this moment falling in love. I understood this well. But without doubts,

I could say that my life started at the instant I met Soleil. In that

unfamiliar place where I couldn’t hide how tensed I was, those almond eyes

which slightly loosened as I was told “It’s

alright”, “Don’t worry, it’s alright”

while presenting me that small hand, I could never forget them. Even the tone

of his voice seemed to be revived and echoed in my ears. At that moment, my

heart started to beat out and time started to tick away. It was soft, but even

now I could remember the sensation of that hand that grasped mine tightly. I

could feel it right now as if it was being done this instant. If I curved my

fingers, it felt as if I was holding his hand. Because his white skin suited

his thin-iced eyes, I had imagined that it would feel like touching ice, but of

course his hands hold warmth. My hand which had seldomly been grasped by my

parents, I remembered how he wrapped both of his hands around it.

         Each

time I recalled those fingertips that glided on the back of my hand to make me

feel rea.s.sured, the words said by Soleil, “It’s

alright,” had their importance increased and were transformed into

something special. Receiving the unbearable heavy responsibility of the being

the fiancé of the Marquis’s son, although sometimes it left me petrified, those

words the young him said merely a few times, for better or worse, they gave me

a push on the back.

“… Alright.”

         In the

dead silent library, only a few students remained. Surrounded by the

bookshelves, large desks which allowed several people to sit down for studying

were lined up in an orderly fas.h.i.+on, but during daytime there was enough room

for me to sit alone on that shared desk. That’s why, even though we were in the

same room, each person was sitting at a very distant position. The distance was

such that it permitted me to speak to myself in a whisper. Even if my muttering

voice was overheard, naturally, other people would not know what I was

saying. 

“It’s alright.” 

         I

tightly clasped my trembling hands, repeating the words the Soleil of the past

had told me. However, it felt exactly as if I was reciting a line in a story,

it wasn’t accompanied by the slightest emotion. Even though the young me had

certainly been rescued by those words. Even though those words always had

pushed my back. Now, they had no meaning.

         … … “Say, what are your

thoughts about separating two people who have feelings for each other?”

         I

suddenly recalled Saion’s words. Even if it has only been a few hours since

then, it already seemed to have happened a very long time ago. Speaking of what

I did after staying paralyzed, unable to say a single word back to him: I went

to the afternoon cla.s.s, wearing a composed expression as if nothing had happened.

It was an expression of ignorance in order to pretend to be unaware of the

rumors about Soleil and Silvia that were sure to come at me. If I didn’t know

anything it meant I wouldn’t have to do anything, I averted my eyes from the

behavior of my fiancé. Seeing me act like this, the students of the academy

mocked me with smiles full of scorn, seemingly being waiting for the

opportunity to taunt and make fun of me. They were surely waiting for the

moment I would commit a blunder. Because there is no doubt that if it had been

the me from not long ago, she would have marched straight into the groups which

were amusing themselves with the gossips. So, I was only looking forward. Not

hanging down my head and lowering my eyes was my small form of resistance. That

was the only thing I could do. There was no way to correct my past behavior

that I was guilty of. The me from the time when I was keeping in check every

single woman who approached Soleil, was in fact trying to chase after myself.

Now I must remain absolutely silent while avoiding any action that would stand

out.

         Those

two were conspicuous. No matter what they were doing I could know without even

having to ask anyone. But although I knew things would be like this, when I

heard people say those two naturally looked good together, I couldn’t be help

but be in low spirits.  

         Several

seconds, several minutes, several hours. Increasing over time, an uneasiness

similar to sorrow blocked my respiration. It’s painful. Incredibly and

irremediably painful.  

         Even

though I went to the same school, even though I was his fiancé, I had never

been invented to have lunch together. This lunch time that had a different

meaning from those compulsory luncheons we took turn to attend in each other

estate, Silvia enjoyed them like it was something granted and natural. There

was no way I wouldn’t feel anything about that. I was hurt, angry and sad. If

it had been the me of the past… if it had been before that tea party, I

probably would have drowned Silvia in jeers. Even though the one to blame

wasn’t her. While I knew that, the brunt of my attacks was still directed at my

little sister. The reason why it was like that was because women altogether

were such creatures. But I knew very well how foolish such behavior was and presently

I couldn’t act that way even by mistake. Moreover, if I were to raise my fist,

I already knew what kind of reaction Soleil would show. He would be disgusted,

then, with a glare mixed with disappointment and scorn, he would ask in a sigh,

“Why do you not care about your little sister?”       

         There

was no doubt that he had asked my such a question in one of my previous lives. Soleil

expected me to behave like a kind older sister.

“… It’s alright, everything is fine.”

         No,

that, I decided to lie like that.

“… … Ilysama…?”

         Just

when the fingers of my tightened hands were digging into my palms, the voice

that called out to me dispersed my thoughts. Golden hairs appeared at the

corner of my field of vision, even without confirming her face I knew it was

Marianne. No one else had such a magnificent color.

“… You haven’t gone home yet?”

         That

whispering voice sounded liked it was speaking to oneself. Suddenly, her line

of sight dropped to my hands.

“So even you Ilysama, is reading that book?”

         As if

amazed by what she saw, Marianne gently narrowed her eyes and pulled a chair

beside me to sit down. “I have a rendez-vous with him” She read the t.i.tle and

showed a sweet smile that looked very joyful. 

“… Unexpected, isn’t it?”

         That

book that I’ve read many times since long ago, didn’t belong to the library but

to me. Although the cover was plain, only stating the author’s name and the

t.i.tle, the year it was published it became a hot topic of conversation among

the n.o.bles’ daughters. Because it was such a well-known work, everyone knew at

least its t.i.tle. 

“I only know the t.i.tle and a little bit about the plot

but… it is a story about the princess of the neighboring country and a knight

falling in love, right?”

“Yes, that is the story.”

“Isn’t it a cla.s.sic among love story? However, it

feels more like a fantasy, a pipe dream… I cannot say it looks realistic…”

        Marianne

stopped her sentence here, tilted her head, and added in a laugh, “Ah, but if

you like it, I apologize for my critics.” Although her words were disapproving

of the novel, I knew there wasn’t any malice in them, so I shook my head at her

excuse. Seeing this, she laughed once again. 

“Ilysama, I thought you were a realist.”

“… A realist?”

“Someone who doesn’t have naïve dreams.”

         The

light of the setting sun flowing through the big window shone on her glittering

hairs, dazzling my eyes. It was utterly impossible for my ashen hairs to s.h.i.+ne

like this.

“… I do not know the conclusion of this novel, but the

main character surely meets a happy ending?”

“Yes, that is the case.”

         When I

nodded my head to confirm, Marianne made a troubled expression with her slender

fingers supporting her chin.

“What is bothering you?”

 “The princess

falls in love with a knight from the neighboring country and finds happiness,

doesn’t it mean that she became tied with the person she loved? But… you know…

I really wonder if a princess marring a mere knight is a happy ending…”

         That

daughter of a middle ranked n.o.ble house who I found much more realist than me,

heaved a sigh while she gave a smile mixed with a tinge of disgust. If we were

to speak of court rank, her house was much closer to the high aristocracy than

mine. She was tied down to her house, had to marry for political reasons and couldn’t

run away, everything was the same as me. But the critical difference between us

was the fact she was loved by her fiancé. For me, it was clearly this that

seemed like a dream story.      

“Also, the princess probably had… No, it’s possible

that… the knight too, they both may have had fiancés, right?”

         I wonder if such a character appears in that

novel, said Marianne as her beautiful face showed a trace of grief. The

main plot of this novel was how the princess was exiled from her home country

due to a civil war and how the knight that was ordered to guard her by royal

degree falls in love with her. Various obstacles stand between them, but at the

end everything settle down and all is resolved in peace. They weren’t any

misfortunate characters and the progression of the plot only gave some kind of

vague concept of what coercion meant, but it seized the hearts of the n.o.bles’

daughters. That’s why naturally, a character that should obviously have existed

like the princess’s fiancé never shows up in the story. Even Saion had said it.

No matter if love marriage were becoming the norm among common people, this

won’t happen for n.o.bles. All the more for royalty. If compared to the reality,

it could be said to be very unnatural for neither the princess nor the knight

to not have fiancés. But in the end, it was just a novel.     

“… Oh, it is already this late? I have to go now.”

         I unintentionally

gazed at the elegant movements of Marianne as she smoothly got up without a

sound. She, who had always been an existence opposite to mine in my previous

lives, had become my friend now. When I observed her again after becoming more

intimate, I understood how inferior I was to her. In front of her who, from her

fingertips to the tips of her hairs, boasted the beauty of someone who was born

in a n.o.ble family, from the depth of my hearts I felt embarra.s.sed to have

called her a rival.

“You know, Ilysama…”

         About to

pa.s.s beside me, Marianne suddenly stopped in her tracks.

“Even though I look like this, when I was a child I

was a tomboy.”

         She

laughed in a dignified way and imagining this young lady as a tomboy was

utterly impossible. When I looked up at her face with perplexity, she added as

she gazed at my expression,   

“When my fiancé was decided without me knowing about

it, I threw a temper. I said that marrying someone whose face I didn’t even

know was impossible.”

         When I met him, I didn’t think I would love

him, she continued with an unusual ridiculing smile.

“I also said quite a few very harsh things to him. I

used the fact his house standing was lower than mine as a s.h.i.+eld.”

         However, said Marianne before shutting

her mouth. Before long she heaved a deep sigh, a really unbelievable unladylike

action for Marianne.  

“I asked my mother about you, Ilysama.”

“About me?”

“Yes. You might not know, but my mother attended the

tea parties organized by your mother several times.”

“… The tea parties…?”

“That is right. At that time, I happened to notice

you.”

         Nodding

deeply, her gaze started to wander into the distance and she pursued, “Becoming

the fiancé of the son of the marquis is… a great burden… I also understood that

very well. Because I’m a n.o.ble too.” After saying so, she bent over me and

grasped my hands. Softly, gently, she wrapped them up with her own hands. When

my hands moved in a flutter trying to refuse her gesture, she still refused to

let go.

“My mother told me. That I mustn’t be complacent and

rest on my laurels just because I had a fiancé. That in order to stand beside

him, I must pill up a lot of efforts.”

         So, I stopped averting my eyes from my

fiancé. She said that as her strong gaze shoot through me. And after that, I earnestly became his

fiancé, she concluded with a small smile.

“… Marianne-sama.”

         Unable

to stay silent I called out to her, but after that words wouldn’t follow. I

didn’t know what to say. When I wasn’t aware of it, someone was looking at me.

That fact simply made me lose my words.

“… How much efforts you have been exerting, in truth,

I have no idea. However, this situation where your existence is being neglected

and ignored, I cannot tolerate it.”

        When I

dropped my sigh on those white fingers that were grasping me strongly, suddenly

I lost my strength.

“… If there is any thing I can do, please, do not refrain

from asking me.”

         Receiving

that supplicating gaze, for a second, I almost stretched out my hand. But even

if I relied on her, I knew I couldn’t change this huge flow of ineluctable

events. If it had been the first time then… No, if it had been the second or

third time… then there was no doubt I would have taken her hand and do my

utmost efforts to make Soleil face me. Actually, I might also have taken

actions to keep Silvia away.

         But at

the moment I decided to make Silvia attend the academy, I was expecting a

future like this. A future where Soleil prioritizes Silvia over me, a future

where Silvia gains a much healthier body than before. And also, a future that

leads to a daily life at the academy where they get close together. Everything

was as I antic.i.p.ated. When I took into account all my previous lives, it wasn’t

difficult to make some prediction.

         And

despite everything, I still made that child go to the academy. It might be

because I was still retaining some hope and I was betting on the one in a

million chance that Soleil would prioritize me. In spite of all those negatives

experiences, I was still hoping to hear him say one day that he would attach

more importance to me than to that child. I let Silvia attend the academy and

put a distance between Soleil and me, yet, I was still waiting for his hand.

Truly, what a foolish person I was. 

“…, No, Marianne-sama. I am alright.”

         It’s alright. It’s fine. A youthful

voice echoed in my ears, telling me this. I have to continue believing that everything

was alright. Otherwise, like one of my past me, I will hang a rope around my

own neck.

         However,

I have already noticed. That even something like a place to escape to, I lost

it long, long ago.

         The

voice that kept repeating “I am alright” was faintly trembling. Anyone hearing

it would understand that those words couldn’t be trusted. But Marianne only

shook her head a little and did not say anything. Yet, her clear eyes became

slightly blurred and she repeated the same words she had told me at the time

Silvia had just enrolled in the academy, “Ilysama, you are truly very kind.”

So, this time, I didn’t deny it clearly. In order to not make Silvia look like

a bad person by mistake.

         Silvia

didn’t do anything wrong. That child just fell in love with Soleil, she wasn’t

acting with the intention to rob him from me. I already decided to neither hate

nor resent her. I may be jealous, I may be envious, but I won’t deceive and

harm her.

         That

child was my lovely, little sister. I tried to say that.

         But, the

words wouldn’t come out of my lips, only a long sigh leaked out. My heart was

about to be torn to pieces. My breath was about to stop, it was unbearable.

“Ilysama, a person cannot always maintain

self-restrain. However, if it’s for the sake of someone who is important, I

think that humans are creatures that can endure forever, for as much and as

long it’s necessary.”

         Reality

was about to engulf me at any time. That’s why, to hide from that reality I

concealed my breath and tightly closed my eyes. The time to wonder if I could

do it well this time had already pa.s.sed. I already had nothing left anymore.

         … … Ilysama, for whom are you doing all this?

         Marianne’s

voice faintly blurred out and disappeared. 

Nocta’s thoughts:

This story is slow-paced but there isn’t a single

chapter where you don’t learn something new about Ilya, or the characters

around her. Also, the author is good at foreshadowing small details to use them

latter. But I won’t spoil! Mwawawa

I almost didn’t manage to make it to this Sunday. I

planned to translate one hour every day, but this week my will lost to watching

anime and reading novels. ¯_(-_-)_/¯