The Third Life and Thereafter – 5

“You have to properly understand that there is

no replacement for you.” I remembered the words told by the marquis’s wife. For that reason,

first, I started by raising a person capable of becoming my replacement. While

affecting a casual manner, pretending nothing was wrong, while being easygoing,

to my gentle little sister, to Silvia, I taught everything I had learnt so far by

pretending it was a training in homemaking arts. It may have been harsh to do

this to her who didn’t even have a fiancé. From a third person’s perspective,

it may have seemed like I was bulling her, and indeed, that was what said the

maids. However, when I told her it was necessary for the sake of her future,

only Silvia slightly narrowed her eyes and soon started to laugh with a joy

that came from the bottom of her heart.

“I, until today, I felt like I was

already dead.”

            My

little sister looked at me with eyes that weren’t the slightest bit clouded. The

words she a.s.sembled together in a breath sounds like they were carrying a

feeling of exhaustion. There is nothing I

can do about my weak body, at best all I can try to improve it is to take a

daily stroll. Even if I want to chat a bit, because it will tire me out it’s

prohibited. I’m being carefully and preciously protected, I was told that it

was alright to not do anything so I must live, but on the other contrary it

felt like I’m gradually dying, said Silvia while crying softly. And then

she grasped my hand and told me “Thank you.” Yes, she said thank you. I, who

replied there was no need for thanks and addressed a smile to Silvia, I wonder

how long I can keep my pretended coolness.  

            All

the time, the principle that governed my conduct was my self-interest. I wanted

to stand beside Soleil. I couldn’t bear to be looked with scorn and disdain by

his eyes. I couldn’t bear to die alone and lonely, neither could I endure somebody

putting all the blame on me, I was fed up of being always condemned at each end

of my life. That’s why, to not let this happen, I tried to save Silvia. It was

the same in all my lives. Even this time it was probably the same. It wasn’t

for her sake. I was only persistency doing the things that must be done for my

own sake and self-interest. However, it was the first time something like guilt

shown through my feelings. As I watched my little sister’s cheeks flushed red

with joy when she stared at me, I knew I was the one that made her shows such

an expression, and I came to think this time was the first time I truly acted

like an older sister.

            This

child will one day steal Soleil from me.

            Because

I’ve always known it, while on one hand I set the goal of saving her, in

reality on the other hand, I wondered why

must I save her and felt kind of conflicted. Unnoticed, this gave birth to

a distance between my little sister and me, or rather, I behaved like I wanted

to stay away from her. It wasn’t only my parents and our servants who said she

must by locked up in her room because her body is frail. My parents and our

entourage were surely worried about my little sister, but I was different. It

was simply because I felt at ease thinking that as long as she stayed quietly

in her room I wouldn’t have to meet her. I was always looking for a legitimate reason

to stay away from my little sister.

            If

I must ponder about when I start to think like that, it’s probably at that tea

party as expected. Until that moment, Silvia had been my cute, one and only

little sister. 

            Tightly

grasping my hand, Silvia said with a weakened voice she has been lonely all

that time. While watching her listless profile, I vaguely felt that the time to

face each other might have come. I knew that Silvia whose body was said to be

too frail to bear children could get pregnant. In other words, like me she also

had the qualifications to marry into a n.o.ble house. An earl house with a third

court rank was not of a high standing but as a n.o.ble family its status couldn’t

be criticized and more than anything Silvia ephemeral appearance was generally

widely appreciated. Originally, the future of my little sister should have been

secured. There should have been many men willing to be adopted into our family

with pleasure, and even if Silvia were to leave the house the succession

wouldn’t be that much of a problem. Since I married into the marquis house, in

the worst case that Silvia would pa.s.s away due to her illness, it had been decided

that our father’s younger brother who was quite apart in age would inherit the

t.i.tle. If Silvia had been healthy, then there would have been no element in her

life she could have be dissatisfied with.

            It

my case, the status of Soleil’s family was too high. Surely, because various

coincidences piled up and the position of being his fiancé felt on my lap, I

desperately clung to it. Because I knew the only way to stand beside him was by

being his fiancé. It might have been different if we were of the same s.e.x. If

Soleil had wished for it, I could probably have become an ordinary friend. But

we were of the opposite s.e.x, if I didn’t become his fiancé staying by his side

wouldn’t be permit. Being a marquis’s son was that high of a social position.

But maybe, all that discord occurred because I was the one who became Soleil’s

fiancé.

            If

the other party had been Silvia?

            Soleil

would surely volunteer to protect her himself. No matter what anyone else told

him, there was no doubt he would have cherished and protected her to the end, wrapping

her in silk layers as if she was a frail porcelain doll. Even if his beloved

Silvia was dragged into danger because of the fact he was endowed with the

social position of being just below royalty, he wouldn’t let anyone get away

with endangering her, and would always be at her side guarding her from harm.

I’m sure he can do this. Even if I’m not here to protect her.

            After

all this time I reached that conclusion.  

“I will do my best, big sister. To

the extend you’ll feel proud of me…”

            The

thin fingers of my little sister who grasped her pen wrote down the formula

inside the notebook. For the sake of learning the territory administration

economics cannot be skipped. Silvia said she wasn’t good at calculation, but

she was persevering hard enough. I wanted her to at least memorize the languages

of the friendly neighboring countries and when I invited a foreign language

teacher, she happily started to learn the new vocabulary. At first, it was

probably a big mental burden for her, who didn’t have any occasion to meet with

people outside of our family and employees, to request to be taught by

strangers. But Silvia whose big eyes sparkled in happiness was not afraid to

learn. Until late at night, she would review what she had learn during the day,

and even if the number of times her lack of sleep caused anemia weren’t few, I

thought it wasn’t a bad sign. I didn’t know Silvia was the kind of person

capable of putting in that much efforts. The kindler I treat her, the more

cheerful Silvia became. There were days where she was sickbed as usual, but they

were remarkably less than before. The personal doctor of the earl house had

twisted his neck in wonder and made the following diagnostic, “until now there

probably was the effect of some mental depression.” Silvia had been said to be

too much frail to be able to live long. This may have already become a thing of

the past.

            And

then, Soleil frequently watched over Silvia and I who got closer and looked

intimate at first glance. On the bright face I didn’t manage to see a single

time in all my piled-up lives, his pairs of eyes were narrowed in tenderness.

Just by slightly decreasing the distance between Silvia and me, he completely

changed his hardened expression. “You two really get along well” he said while

moving his sight toward Silvia whose cheek had redden as she was dreaming of

the future. That figure that looked at my little sister with a deep love is

similar to a figure I saw somewhere, sometimes.

            Soleil

falls in love with my little sister. My little sister seizes Soleil and her

happiness. Then, me. …… what about me?

            In

these lives of mine that seemed to change but where nothing really changes, I

feel like I’m drowning and my breath is blocked. In all this suffering too,

there is surely some sense.

*

            The

day I slipped out of the mansion, it was raining.

            Unlike

last time, I coiled a black overcoat around me to blend with the darkness as I

sneaked away. I packed up enough clothes to last a few days in a small bag and

brought along jewels that could be exchanged for cash. The money I had prepared

beforehand was in my underwear, the daily necessities could be bought anywhere,

so bringing almost nothing with me I run to the place where the person who

would act as my guide was waiting. Probably n.o.body noticed I slipped out of the

mansion. The reason for this was because my wedding with Soleil would be in two

days, as such both mine and the marquis’s houses were pressed for time due to

the preparations and had no room to spare to anything else. The guard was really

lax, I very easily managed to sneak out. In order to make Silvia become my

subst.i.tute, I had judged it was probably best to flee that day. After all this

time it was impossible to cancel the wedding ceremony, so our earl house would

have no other choice but to offer an alternative. The only suitable person, was

my little sister Silvia. The situation was different from the previous time I

eloped, she had got through education to become a bride. Our parents will

probably be able to keep their pride. The marquis’s house too, as long as there

was a bride, would decide to ignore me. Even my escort knight Al who had to

throw away his life because of the previous me, while he might be a little

criticized for letting his master run away under his very noise, but it will

only be that. At least it won’t become a situation where his life is stolen.

Because anyhow, he didn’t know a single thing about the plan itself. I made all

the preparations by myself, from beginning to end I never consulted Al for

anything. If I had only been a normal teenager, I probably wouldn’t have been

able to think of all this. Because I was born and raised as an aristocrat, n.o.body

would have think I could run away, disappear in the streets and live there.

            However,

I had memories. Memories of a great number of acc.u.mulated lives. I have

repeated the same time, made mistakes again and again, and I’ve finally found

my resolution. The resolution to run away from here, the resolution to distance

myself from Soleil. If it’s now I can do

it, was what I thought while I casted away everything. Feeling as if I had

grown wings, I felt into the delusion that I could escape from that

misfortunate fate. I was convinced that I could carry through this time for

sure.

            That’s

probably why it turned out like this.   

            Rather

than tumbling and falling down the stairs, it felt more like being pushed off a

cliff. I took a step forward thinking there was a footpath but there was no

ground at the tip of my feet, and before I realized that I was falling, my body

was already thrown at the bottom of the abyss. I just left my heart behind at

the top of the cliff and felt down.

            I

don’t know who the traitor was. The previous time we run away, Al found our

cooperators by himself. They were probably either his knight comrades or close

friends he could trust. But this time I didn’t borrow the help of these

persons. Because knights entrusted their lives to each other, they were

especially united. If you sought the cooperation of any one of them, there was

the possibility that this plan would become known not only by Al but also by

Soleil. So this time I requested the help of one of the trustworthy merchant

who we frequently commerce with. Was it a mistake in the first place? Or was it

one of the men he asked for help who betrayed us? Anyway, before I knew it I

was detained by a slave trader. All my possessions were torn off me and handed

over to someone, at that time n.o.body would believe anymore that I was a

n.o.blewoman. That was natural. Because it was improbable for a young lady of a

n.o.ble family to be alone in the middle of the city without any escort. Changing

my clothes partway to mingle in the streets was a poor move. My jewels and

money were stolen, of course. My hair and my body were dirty because of the

rain that was falling when I run away, and because I feared being tracked down I

didn’t bring anything that could prove my ident.i.ty. Everything worked in a

negative direction. Now that Silvia had become my subst.i.tute, there was n.o.body

who would try to locate me. After having been resold and resold again and again

no traces were left, and nothing could prevent me from falling down to the

place called the lowest of all brothels. Just by the fact I had flee, I had

thrown mud at my parent’s home. After having done such a thing I couldn’t seek

their help. Although I think I cried at first, unable to call anyone’s name for

help, I started to wait for time to pa.s.s. As my body and flesh were violated,

my heart and mind too, were s.n.a.t.c.hed away.

            I

was alive, but dead.

            Losing

your mind and heart was like that. I didn’t think, I never dreamt, I probably

never hoped. I became unable to remember for what reason I had tried to run

away. But, I also remember this intuition. Somewhere inside my head, I thought

that I will repeat it again.

            …

… The clanking sound of porcelain striking against each other disturbed me as I

was originally drifting into a swallow sleep.

            On

the other side of the stained sheets, on top of the lone and desolate bedside

table, a gla.s.s of water placed on a cup was shaking. Reflect on the surface of

this gla.s.s, was a face that had lost its color, a face that brought me an

impression of déjà vu. It was probably because it was the expression I saw

reflected on the mirror that I looked at just before I died in my former life.

I no longer knew for how long I have been living here in that manner. Far from

counting the pa.s.sing days, I didn’t even keep track of the time as there was

nothing to show the hours here. It was the lookout outside of the room that

measured the fee due each hour. We were not given the slightest bit of freedom.

Even the liberty of knowing the time didn’t exist here.

“Drugs.”

            Maybe

because I seemed unlikely to move, the quiet voice impatiently urged me to take

them. I stayed lying on the bed and only raised my eyes, but when I did so, I

saw a boy looking at me, half his body leaning over me. He seemed to be around 4

or 5 years old. A pair of black eyes was set on his white face, his hairs were

black like Soleil’s, his slender neck was tilted diagonally; one by one I

checked his outward features and confirmed they matched the description of the

person that was on my mind. (Crow). I didn’t manage to say the word, the name

of that person disappeared when it reached the tip of my lips. The gesture of bending

his neck as he peered fixedly into my eyes was completely the same as the adolescent

Crow. I knew that he could freely change his appearance, but I didn’t know he

could also liberally change how old he looked. Naturally at first, I thought it

was my own imagination playing tricks on me. That it was someone else who

accidently resembled him. No matter how much their face looked the same, he was

much younger than the Crow I knew, since he was a child it was unlikely for him

to be the real person himself. It was easier to conclude he was a relative or

something like that. He was completely different from the Crow who I spent time

with at the same moments in my previous life. But Crow was Crow. There was no

doubt. Although the Crow of this life hadn’t even told me his name.    

“Can you get up?”

            He

gently put his hand on my back to support me and I finally could rise my body up

a bit. Crow unwrapped the red powder medicine and placed it on top of his little

hand. I knew that it was surely expensive and the boy must have secretly procured

it from somewhere. I didn’t say it out loud because Crow probably didn’t want

me to know about it. He didn’t even demand money in exchange. The boy who appeared

from nowhere as soon as I got sick, had probably been observing me from

somewhere just like how he did when we met in one of my previous lives. He

appeared in that cavern-like-brothel while claiming he was my caretaker and

took residence in my room as if it was the most natural thing. But no one else

seemed to know about him. To begin with, in this kind of place there was no

occupation like caretaker. Because prost.i.tutes of the lowest of lowest grade like

us were not considered as human being. But Crow wasn’t introduced by anyone and

before I knew it he was here, taking care of me.

            “Drink

even if it’s only a bit” said Crow with a sullen face as I kept my mouth closed

no matter how much time pa.s.sed. When I involuntary laughed because it was

unusual for him to make that kind of expression, he put the edge of cup at the

gap of my lips which had opened slightly. While coughing several times, I finally

managed to drink some water and swallow the drug. My throat felt weak. One I

started coughing it wouldn’t stop, my chest made an unpleasant wheezing sound.

Today too customers will surely come. I must manage to recover and get up

somehow. When I mumbled and moved my tongue on which remained the bitter taste

of the medicine, suddenly, Crow climbed on my bed. As I was wondering what he

would do, he kept quiet and lied down beside me. Then, he clutched my stretched-out

hand. His hand that didn’t transmit warmth as usual felt comfortable, probably

because I had a fever. I understood that feeling physically exhausted after taking

some medicine meant my fever was high. Even though there was the possibility to

catch this unknown illness, the fact that customers would still come visit this

room showed how humans’ l.u.s.ts were truly endless.

“Iria, is there anything you want?”

            At

the time I was swept away in human traffic, I was told to throw away my name. At

first, I did so and changed names a few times. Then when I arrived her I

started using my real name. I threw my family name. But, no matter what, I couldn’t

bring myself to give up my first name. Once again, a childish voice called out “Iria.”

The pair of black eyes was seizing me, in the tiny room devoid of window and

dominated by a deep silence, they just continued to stare at me. I knew they

were pressing me to answer, but in truth it had already become too tiresome to

even utter a single word. That’s how weak I had become, and I almost wanted to fall

asleep at once.

“Hey, Iria. Should I lend you a hand?”

            Inside

my dozing off consciousness I heard Crow gently murmuring this. The first time

we met, Crow certainly asked me the same question. Then, he became my hands and

feet exactly like he said he would and he lent me his help for all kind of

things. However, this Crow was not the Crow of that time. There was nothing to

wish from the black bird that had taken the appearance of this boy. He certainly

was a bird portentous of ill omen. However, in a world were only calamities existed,

that was no longer a misfortune.

“Why, why, why am I the only one, why is it only to me that things like

this……”

            That

day where I was loaded on a carriage like goods, with both my hands and feet restricted.

I, who was lamenting over all the lives had I experimented until then and over the

current one, was told by a girl who had been similarly caught, “… You’re not the only one.” Yes, her stagnated

and dispirited gaze silently told me this.

            That’s

right. I wasn’t the only one. Being deceived, caught, sold, dealt with like I

was a thing, piled up on a carriage like a luggage. Traded for money. I wasn’t

the only one who was restrained by chains and sold.

            But

surely, the only one who couldn’t escape from this h.e.l.l, was me and me alone.

            Silvia

was surely living happily under Soleil’s protection. Without being attacked by

a band of thieves, without collapsing in illness, she’ll gave birth and raise a

child, and fulfill her duty as the wife of the marquis. That child was surely

laughing. I set that stage and run away. I know that Soleil slightly slacken

his cheeks just by looking at that child. I know it. Because it has always been

the case. In a place where I’m not, Soleil and Silvia are probably staring at

each other in happiness.

            That’s

why, I’ll remain like this, in this pitch-dark place, I’ll stay here forever.