The Third Life and Thereafter – 6
“… … M-my Lady!!”
Along
with the loud echo of the door being thrown opened, I heard the scream of a man.
My eyes moved from the head of
golden hair at the tip of my field of vision to the other corner of the room
where a boy was standing. Now, what time is it? What was I doing? Why was Crow
in that place? Due to the medicine my consciousness was cloudy and I couldn’t
collect my thoughts. Crow sprawling on the bed together with me, when was it
again? A few hours ago? A few days ago? Or was it several months before? How
much time has pa.s.sed since then?
“Aaah! Aaah! Oh G.o.d…! Oh G.o.d…!”
Suddenly
a floating sensation at the bottom of my stomach made me feel uncomfortable.
Understanding I was hold up in someone’s arms, I tried to move my legs to
resist but I couldn’t. Because the bed sheets were wrapped around me. Maybe because the man who was lamenting over something was trembling and
sobbing convulsively, his heartbeat that was echoing in my ears was
particularly fast.
“For you to be in such a place…!!
Let’s go home, my lady…!”
Being
called my lady several times made me feel painfully nostalgic and I remembered
that even I had a time where I was called like this. That this man’s voice
sounded familiar, was probably not my imagination.
“A…l… ?”
“!”
When
I muttered that name, the big arms that were supporting my body shook
greatly.
“I’ve come, to pick you up, my lady…
that I’m so late, I’m really, truly, sorry. I’m so sorry…!”
While
looking at Al’s face who kept bitterly apologizing for his mistakes as he
grinded his teeth in mortification, I thought of the months and years that have pa.s.sed by. The Al who was a young that I remembered was no longer here. “Let’s go
home, my lady…” hoa.r.s.ely whispered Al in a soft voice to soothe
me. As if going home was the natural thing to do.
Going
home, go, home, ho-me? I bend my neck while mouthing that foreign vocabulary
whose meaning I utterly couldn’t comprehend. For me there was no place I could
return to. Where on earth does he intend to take me to? After all this time,
where on earth? In that state that was like being restrained, I could only let my
eyes wandered around the room and when they reached its corner, they captured
the figure of Crow as he was concealing his breath.
“Cr (ow),”
I
tried to called out his name but swallowed down my words. I don’t know his name
yet. The boy has not said his name even once. When I blurred out air instead of
words, Crow, aware of my unsaid call or nor, put a thin smile on his lips and
said,
…
Good for you, right?
It
certainly sounded like a voice, but Al didn’t notice and was about to leave the
room. No, that’s not it. It’s not that he didn’t notice, rather Al couldn’t see
Crow’s figure at all.
“… A…l, wa…it, wait…”
“It’s alright. My lady, you have
nothing to fear. Your room was left as it was. Everything stayed in the same
place. You can go back to your previous life, as if nothing happened.”
“Wr…ong...”
That’s
wrong, Al. That’s not what I’m trying to say. Wait, please. I want to talk to
Crow. I can’t go anywhere, put me down, please, put me down.
Because
of my illness every single of my organ was not fulfilling its function
properly. I didn’t even have enough strength to vibrate my vocal cords. When I
tried to raise my voice, my lungs felt like they were torn apart. And so, I
couldn’t voice my feelings and transmit the words I wanted to say. They
probably won’t reach Al who looked like he was murmuring to himself in
indignation. All I could do was directing my sight toward the inside of the filthy
little room that was getting farther and farther away, toward Crow who was
looking at me from there. His pitch-dark, pitch-black eyes that looked like
they were refusing to reflect even light were appealing for something. Seeing
this expression, I gained conviction.
Determining
my ident.i.ty, locating Al, telling him my whereabouts, that was all Crow’s doing…
…
“Wait, Al, that child, Cro(w)… is…
he’s… that’s child too… him too…”
Take him along. As if to deny those
words the door of the room was vigorously opened. I could only look over Al’s
shoulder as Crow was left behind.
“Al… Al…”
“It’s alright my lady. Now,
everything is going to be alright.”
Al
who wasn’t aware of anything replied in a gentle tone. But not a single word that
I wanted to say, not a single meaning I wanted to convey was transmit to him. I
think he probably wanted to leave this place as quickly as possible. And he took the initiatives need to do so. Al, who loudly shut the door probably didn’t have any ill
will, but for me that action was like venting your anger for losing the place
you could go back to. Over that closed-door Crow is here. If he wanted to, it would be easy for Crow to leave this brothel. But he will not come out. I
understood he will not come out and chase after me.
I
saw his faintly quivering lips curved up in a little smile and said “Good for
you.” That was surely his parting words. My arm that escaped from the
restraints of the sheets reflexively stretched toward the door. My nails that
Crow had trimmed short rubbed against the surface of the thin door. “…I never
said, I wanted you to help me…” Even if I barely managed to utter those words,
they’ll no longer reach Crow. The me in my previous life had certainly ask Crow
to lend her his help. But, I, the present me, had never asked for help. Because
it was fine to continue like this. It was fine to die like this with no one knowing
about it. Cause, I believed that Crow would surely stay beside me until the
very end.
As
long as his figure was here, everything would have been fine.
…
… And yet, why?
*
I
felt around the gap between the fluffy sheets with my dried fingertips. Rolling
my eyeb.a.l.l.s that had almost become completely useless, I was expecting to find
black hairs and wanted to remove them from the stainless clothes. His black
hairs that didn’t possess any temperature felt pleasantly nice and cold, at
some point I had started wanting to touch them because it made me feel
comfortable. I wanted to ascertain that sensation again.
“Big sister…?”
Right
beside me, catching her breath, my lovely little sister called out to me in an
imploring tone. In my blurred field of vision was reflected the nostalgic
colors of her white face and silver hairs. However, I couldn’t see clearly
enough to read her expression. I could only guess she was surely making a
worried one. I’m sorry, I’ve made you worry. That’s
what I thought but I couldn’t put it into words. Only a long breath could leak
through the gap of my dried lips. A considerate maid wiped up my lips with
a moisturized cotton, but that action was meaningless. The inside of my mouth
was hot like it was burning.
I already
knew that my end was drawing near.
“…,”
“What? Big sister, what have you
said?”
When
Al took me from the brothel, I thought it was surely to take me back to the
earl estate, but for some reason I was carried to the marquis’s mansion. There,
Soleil and Silvia, together with their children, were waiting for my arrival.
The
cave-like-brother where I had been was as remoted from the regions where the marquis’s
and our earl’s houses were set up as heaven was remoted from earth. That place
was a strange lawless area inside our country. In other words, it was a slum.
It seemed that Al had been looking for me all those years, but he lamented over
the fact that no matter where he went he couldn’t catch hold of my whereabouts.
During the journey to return to the marquis’s mansion, he cried so many times,
grieving and asking why he couldn’t find me sooner. Everything was brought on
myself due to my egotistical motive, Al hadn’t commit the slightest wrongdoing,
and yet when I convey this to him in broken and disconnected words, it seemed
it didn’t bring him any consolation. Apologizing seemed to only depress him even further.
Although
we arrived at the mansion after several weeks of travel spent in that mood, at
that time, I was already on the verge of death. Immediately the private doctor
of the marquis’s house came to examine me, but he diagnosticated that nothing could
be done anymore. I felt that I heard his voice guessing I had a few days left
at best.
“Big sister, can you hear me? I
heard that, Soleil had something he wanted to talk to you about for a bit…”
I
could no longer move the tip of my fingers, I could just s.h.i.+ft my darkening
sight and when I did so, I certainly felt that a person who appeared to be
Soleil was looking over me. There were emotionless thin ice like eyes. Those eyes I felt
in love with were beside me. But even when I tried to concentrate I couldn’t
read his expression. I could no longer distinct anything with my weak
eyes.
“… Iria, the whole time… I’ve hated
you… …”
At
the edge of my field of vision, stood two small shadows that should be their children.
I wonder if they are worried for their parents. At the time I was brought to this
mansion, the ones who showed the most discomfort where those two. Even though I
can hardly see their expression, I understood this quite clearly. I had the
feeling they harbored wariness toward the unknown person who suddenly appeared.
I could comprehend why they wouldn’t accept a measly prost.i.tute who, even as a
form of flattery, couldn’t be called a n.o.ble female servant. Even if she was
their mother’s blood related big sister. Besides Silvia, Soleil and also Al, no
one could prove my ident.i.ty. My appearance has probably totally changed. Yet,
because Soleil and Silvia had received me as the person called Iria, they had
to accept this fact. I guess the reason the earl house didn’t receive me, was
surely because my parent’s anger hasn’t lessened. I probably had been stripped
of my position of being an earl’s daughter when I run away.
“You were suddenly gone, and I
thought you betrayed me. From our childhood you were at my side, because we had
sworn to become a married couple eventually, when you abandoned your duty and
run away, I was engulfed by hatred thinking your were a heartless woman.”
“Do you know how hurt I was when Silvia
told me you probably had someone you loved…? While you had promised to become
my spouse, you didn’t trust me enough to confide all that distress to me.”
That
was right. I had disclosed such a thing to Silvia. That I had someone I loved. That
for his sake, I could do everything. That person was Soleil though, but. … …
Ah, I see. My escape led them to connect those thoughts like this.
“Because you were clever you
probably noticed. That I didn’t love you. But, for that exact reason, I thought
we could make things work well as husband and wife. With affection and
friends.h.i.+p, I believed we could built a harmonious relation over time.”
Soleil’s
words that were like a monologue resounded inside the quiet room.
“All those future prospects,
everything, was crushed by your departure.”
The more I thought about it, the more I thought
I hated you. So, even if I knew it was really difficult for you who was from a
n.o.ble family to live in the streets, I deliberately left you alone. Soleil
cut his words at this point.
I
wonder if he wanted to say that I had reaped what I sowed.
I
understood well what Soleil was trying to say. For him, his life was naturally his
first and his last. He simply fell in love with Silvia, but he didn’t betray
me. He didn’t love me, but at least, as my fiancé he tried to face me as sincerely as he could.
That’s why he found the time to come and meet me. For that sake he often
appeared when Silvia and I were studying. Actually, it may have been only to
see Silvia, but still he didn’t do anything unfaithful. The one who betrayed
was me, so the one who was hated was also me. No matter how many times Soleil
betrays me in my acc.u.mulating lives, no matter how many times Silvia stoles the
person I love, no matter how many times I end with a violent death, it is irrelevant
and has nothing to do with the him of the current life. Because he doesn’t
know. He doesn’t know we can’t achieve the ideals he pictured in his mind. He
doesn’t know that something like getting along well as a married couple, is
impossible.
“Still now… I’m grateful to you.
Because thanks to what you did I could build a family with Silvia……”
Soleil’s
voice was getting farther and farther away. Unlike the other lives, this time is
different, Soleil is beside me, my little sister is here too. It’s different
from the time I died alone in despair while hearing the voice of a newborn, it’s
different from the time I chose to die by my own hands with a rope. It was not
a prison here, I didn’t suffer torture either. Overlooked by a stainless
celling, gently wrapped in a brand-new bed, I wasn’t freezing to death.
But,
I should have die at that time where those black eyes where gently watching
over me. I didn’t want to die like this. In this place where everything is
here, but there is nothing.
The
hand that I hold was cold, it didn’t transmit any warmth to my lukewarm body,
but I didn’t need anything else. In that room where there was nothing, but surely,
everything was there.
Crow.
Crow.
Why,
are you not here now… …
*
*
“… Iria-sama? What happened?”
I
heard a soft and nice voice and turned around. Shaking her luxuriant blond hairs,
Marianne frowned.
“… Ah, it’s those two again…”
When
we went to the school cafeteria for lunch, that place was a bit noisy. Looking
over the direction of the commotion, I saw my fiancé and my little sister who were
walking close together. As I was absentmindedly following their figures with my
eyes, I heard whispering voices saying the two of them suited each other. For
Soleil-sama, rather than Iria-sama her little sister Silvia-sama was more
suitable.
Marianne
who had come together with me for lunch followed my line of sight and saw them.
“Irisa-sama, as expected, isn’t it
going a bit too far?”
Implicitly,
with a tinge of criticism she was asking me if Silvia’s conduct as a daughter
of a n.o.ble was not good. She was indeed walking closely with a man who had a
fiancé. Even if no one taught you, you should have known that such a behavior
was not a praiseworthy thing. However.
“… My little sister has a weak body,
and because of it she wasn’t taught much about social etiquette…”
It
was my role to say that and back her up. Because I was her big sister.
“Iria-sama, as expected I’m getting
tired of hearing that excuse. Besides, since you haven’t notice it, I’ll dare
say this…”
“?”
“Your expression looks as if you’re
about to cry you know.”
Marianne
slender hand swept away my own hand which was tightly grasping a cup of tea on
the table.
“Is it really alright to leave it as
it is now?”
Don’t you love Soleil-sama?
I
was hard pressed by her reply which was uttered softly wrapped in gentleness. The
previous me certainly was in love with Soleil. And the me of the current life
too, at the time she met Soleil, she fell in love with him. After that tea
party, I couldn’t say that my love for him collapsed after watching Soleil and
Silvia fell in love in front of my very eyes.
But.
But,
something was not right.
Something, was different.
Nocta’s thoughts:
“… Iria, the whole time… I’ve hated you… …”
The first time I read the story, I found
it difficult to not hate Soleil. It’s complex, because like Iria says, in this
life he felt betrayed by her and it’s normal for him to hate her, but because
we’ve seen all the other lives we know it’s him who betrays her again and
again. It can’t be help, he doesn’t love her. But it can’t be help, I still
hated him.
The author surely intended to make
the readers feel negative emotions toward him. And then, she wrote the next
arc.
The next arc is one of the things
that made me want to read the raw and fight with Google Trad for them. Now that
I’ve become better at j.a.panese, the story is more interesting to read and
translate. Enjoy!