_Mrs. Jinks._ "That's Signor Sc.r.a.peski just pa.s.sed. He plays the violin like an angel."

_Tommy._ "Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: QUESTION AND ANSWER

_Mamma._ "Who was the first man, 'Lina?"

_'Lina._ "I forget."

_Mamma._ "Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?"

_'Lina_ (_after a thoughtful pause_). "Madam!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SHEER IGNORANCE

_Benevolent Person._ "Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!"

_Boy._ "Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus'll fill 'em with presents!"

"It'll take 'im all 'is time to fill _mine_. I 'aven't got no foots in 'em!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ON HIS DIGNITY.--_Sam._ "Mamma bought me a pair of gloves yesterday."

_Auntie._ "Really! What are they? Kids?"

_Sam._ "No, they're men's."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Sharp_ (_but vulgar_) _little boy_. "Hallo, missus, wot are those?"

_Old Woman._ "Twopence."

_Boy._ "What a lie! They're apples."

[_Exit, whistling popular air_.]

A DIFFICULT CASE.--_Mamma._ You're a very naughty boy, Tommy, and I shall have to buy a whip, and give you a good whipping. _Now_ will you be good?

_Tommy_ (_with hesitation_). Shall I be allowed to keep the whip after, mammy?

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Old Gent._ "Do you know what a lie is, sir?"

_Little Boy._ "Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Old Lady._ "No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden today."

_Boy._ "Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OVERHEARD IN BOND STREET

"Which of 'em would yer 'ave for a muvver, Billy?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET

"And are _you_ going to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?"

"Of course, darling."

"Then _don't_ let it be _something useful_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mamma._ "You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on Sunday. You must go into the back garden."

_Tommy._ "Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A PROTEST

"And pray, am I _never_ to be naughty, Miss Grimm?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A NEW TEST

_Aunt_ (_in alarm_). "_Surely_ you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?"