_Officer._ Unnecessary! Why, doesn't the order come into force to-day that all officers who appear in the War Office for any purpose whatsoever must be attired in the proper uniform of their rank and regiment?

_Messenger._ No, sir. To-morrow, sir, the _second_ of April, is the proper date. To-day, sir, is the _first_ of April.

_Officer._ And the first of April is surely the most appropriate date!

Quite the most appropriate date!

_Messenger._ Yes, sir!

(_Curtain._)

The War Office is taking steps to turn its surplus cavalrymen into foot soldiers. We see nothing ridiculous in the idea--as some persons profess to. We already have Mounted Infantry. Now we are to have Dismounted Cavalry.

AN IMPOSSIBLE MANOEUVRE IN AUTUMN.--To be in the March past.

THE BEST MILITARY DRAWING.--Drawing your pay.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE HANDY MAN.--What he will have to become, if recruiting for the navy continues to fall off, and many more new battleships are constructed.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE

_Hector._ "Now then, young feller--who are you staring at?"

_Hodge._ "Whoy shouldn't I stare at yer? _I pays vor yer!_"]

NOT FOR PATRICK!

["It has been proposed that the kilt should be the uniform of the new Irish Guards."--_Daily Paper._]

What! take away the throusers off our pathriotic knees, As if we were a regiment of disordherly M.P.'s?

Och! sorrer take the wicked thought, for histhory it teaches, An Oirishman is happiest when foightin' in the breaches.

What! Wear them bits of pitticoats that blow about and twirl Around your blushin' knees? No, faith! Oi'm not a bally girl!

No! Oi'm an Oirish souldier, an' me blood Oi've often spilt it, But though Oi'm willin' to be kilt, Oi'll die before Oi'm kilted.

In order to check extravagance in the Cavalry, the authorities have decided that "fines of money or wine are no longer to be levied on marriage or promotion, _or in respect of any minor irregularities_." In future the officer who commits the major irregularity of being promoted will not need to say, with the _King of Denmark_, "O, my offence is rank!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: "MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS"

Chelsea, June, 1891. Four Bell(e)s.]

MILITARY SURGERY

DEAR FIELD-MARSHAL PUNCH.--In a telegram from the seat of war this week I find the following obscure pa.s.sage. "General Blank held the enemy's main body whilst General Dash carried out his movements." Knowing your skill in tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me either verbally or pictorially. Used in contradistinction to his main body, I presume the enemy's "movements" must be his limbs, and if all four were carried out by this barbarous general, it would be certainly a feat of arms, and the movement might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is said as to whether the enemy survived this fearful operation depriving him of his members, but it may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, where were the movements carried out to? If the presumption stated above be correct, I infer it must have been to the region of limbo, but the army in Flanders never practised such lopsided manoeuvres.

Yours respectfully,

CORPORAL TRIM.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ALL'S WELL!"

_c.o.c.kney Volunteer_ (_on sentry go_). "Halt! Who goes there?"

_Rustic._ "It's all roight, man. Oi cooms along 'ere ev'ry maarnin'!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SKIRMISHING IN PERSPECTIVE

"A good skirmisher, if there is no cover, should hide behind his boots!"]

_Elder Sister_ (_coming up_). "Kitty! what have you been saying to Captain Coward? He looks dreadfully offended!"

_Kitty_ (_engaged to the Captain_). "I only told him that if he had gone to the war and been shot, I should have been so proud of him!"

WAR NEWS.--"Reports of Conflicts," _i.e._, "Conflicting Reports."

"AN ARMED NATION"

["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men joining the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."--_Daily Press._]

EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES

1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible, and then pa.s.sed on to the next man.