[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENE--BY THE SAD SEA WAVES

_Tomkins, disconsolate on a rock, traces some characters upon the sand._ _To him, Mrs. Tomkins_ (_whose name is Martha_).

_Mrs. T._ "Well, Mr. Tomkins, and pray who may Henrietta be?"

[_Tomkins utters a yell of despair, and falls prostrate._

[Ill.u.s.tration: A VIKING ON MODERN FASHION

"What does t'la.s.s want wi' yon _boostle_ for? It aren't big enough to _smoggle_ things, and she can't _steer_ herself wi' it!"]

THE TRIPPER

(_By a Resident_)

What does he come for?

What does he want?

Why does he wander thus Careworn and gaunt?

Up street and down street with Dull vacant stare, Hither and thither, it Don't matter where?

What does he mean by it?

Why does he come Hundreds of miles to prowl, Weary and glum, Blinking at Kosmos with Lack-l.u.s.tre eye?

He doesn't enjoy it, he Don't even try!

Sunny or soaking, it's All one to him, Wandering painfully-- Curious whim!

Gazing at china-shops.

Gaping at sea, Guzzling at beer-shops, or Gorging at tea.

Why don't he stay at home, Save his train fare, Soak at his native beer, Sunday clothes wear?

No one would grudge it him, No one would jeer.

Why does he come away?

Why is he here?

[Ill.u.s.tration: BLACKPOOL]

[Ill.u.s.tration: BRIGHTON]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MARGATE]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING

_Landlady._ "I hope you slept well, sir?"

_New Boarder._ "No, I didn't. I've been troubled with insomnia."

_Landlady._ "Look here, young man. I'll give you a sovereign for every one you find in that bed!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TOUCHING APPEAL

_Testy Old Gent._ (_wearied by the importunities of the Brighton boatmen_). "Confound it, man! Do I _look_ as if I wanted a boat?"]

ROBERT AT THE SEASIDE

I've bin spending my long Wacation of a fortnite at Northgate.

Northgate's a nice quiet place, Northgate is, tho' it quite fails in most things that const.i.toots reel injoyment at the seaside, such as Bands and n.i.g.g.e.rs and Minstrels and all that.

It's a grand place for weather, for it generally blows hard at Northgate, and wen it doesn't blow hard it rains hard, which makes a nice change, and a change is wot we all goes to the seaside for.

It seems a werry favrite place for inwaleeds, for the place is full on 'em, Bath cheers is in great demand and all the seats on the Prade is allus occypied by 'em.

Dr. Scratchem too sends most of his favrite cases there, and you can't walk on the Peer without facing lots on 'em.

Brown says the place makes him as sollem as a Common Cryer, and he hasn't had a good hearty larf since he came here, but then Brown isn't quite sattisfied with his Lodgings, and has acshally recommended his Land Lady to turn her house into the Norfolk Howard Hotel, _Unlimited_, so perhaps she may account for his want of spirits. Northgate's rather a rum place as regards the tide. Wen it's eye it comes all over the place and makes such a jolly mess, and wen it's low it runs right out to sea and you can't see it. Brown tried to persuade me as how as one werry eye tide was a spring tide, but as it was in September I wasn't so green as to beleeve that rubbish.

It seems quite a pet place for Artists, I mean Sculpchers, at least I s'pose they must be Sculpchers, and that they brings their Moddels with 'em, for the Bathing Machines is stuck close to the Peer, so dreckly after breakfast the Moddels goes and bathes in the Sea, and the Sculpchers goes on the Peer, and there's nothink to divert their attention from their interesting studdys, and many on 'em pa.s.ses ours there quietly meditating among the Bathing Machines.

Brown says, in his sarcastic way, it's the poor Sculpchers as comes here, who can't afford to pay for their Moddels, so they comes here and gets 'em free gratis for nothink.

There's sum werry nice walks in the nayberhood but I never walks 'em, for it seems to me that the grate joke of every Buysicler and Trysicler, and the place swarms with 'em, is to c.u.m quietly behind you and see how close he can go by you without nocking you down. I'm sure the jumps and the starts and the frites as I had the fust day or too kep my Art in my mouth till I thort it would have choked me.

How Ladys, reel Ladys too, can expose theirselves on such things I can't make out. I herd a young Swell say that wot with them and what with the Bathing Moddels it was as good as a Burlesk!

We've got werry c.u.mferrabel Lodgings, we have, just opposite the Gas Works and near a Brick Field. When the wind is South or West we smells the bricks and when its East we smells the Gas, but when its doo North we don't smell nuffen excep just a trifle from the Dranes, and so long as we keeps quite at the end of the werry long Peer we don't smell nuffen at all excep the sea weed.

Our Landlord's a werry respeckabel man and the Stoker on our little Railway, and so werry fond of nussing our little children that they are allus as black as young Sweeps. Their gratest treat is to go with him to the Stashun and stand on the ingin when they are shuntin, so preshus little they gits of the sea breezes.

We've had a fust rate Company staying here. I've seen no less than 2 Aldermen, and 1 Warden of a City Compny, but they didn't stay long. I don't think the living was good enuff for 'em. It must be a werry trying change, from every luxery that isn't in season, to meer beef and mutton and shrimps! and those rayther course.

I think our Boatmen is about the lazyest set of fellows as ever I seed.