[Ill.u.s.tration: A PROP OF THE DRAMA

"What, back already, Archie! Was it a dull piece, then?"

"Don't know. Didn't stop to see. Just looked round stalls and boxes, and didn't see a soul I knew!--so I came away."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SHOWING THAT SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD FOR A COBBLER _NOT_ TO STICK TO HIS LAST.

_Fair Matron._ "I remember your acting '_Sir Anthony_,' _years_ ago, when I was a girl, Sir Charles! You did it splendidly!"

_The Great Mathematician._ "Ah, would you believe it, that bit of acting brought me more compliments than anything I ever did?"

_Fair Matron._ "I should _think_ so, indeed!"]

THE COMPANY THAT FREQUENTLY FILLS A THEATRE BETTER THAN A DRAMATIC ONE.--The Stationers' Company.

The managers of Drury Lane, Gaiety, Alhambra and Empire Theatres ought _ex-officio_ to be members of the Worshipful Guild of Spectacle-makers.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "_Walking Lady_" (_late for rehearsal_). "Oh, I'm so sorry to be late! I _do_ hope you haven't all been waiting for me?"

_Stage Manager_ (_icily_). "My dear Miss Chalmers, incompetence is the gift of heaven; but attention to business may be cultivated!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN UNKIND CUT.--_Amateur._ "It was very kind of you to come to our performance the other night; but what did you think of my _Hamlet_? Pretty good?" _Professional_ (_feigning ecstasy_). "Oh, my dear fellow, 'pon my word you know,--really I a.s.sure you, good's not the word!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _First Critic._ "Well, have you seen the great tragedian in _Romeo and Juliet_?"

_Second ditto._ "I have; and I confess he didn't come up to my ixpictations. To tell ye the truth, I niver thought he would!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CROWDED HOUSE

_Angry Voice_ (_from a back seat_). "Ears off in front there, please!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE PROVINCIAL DRAMA

_The Marquis_ (_in the play_). "Aven't I give' yer the edgication of a gen'leman?"

_Lord Adolphus_ (_spendthrift heir_). "You 'ave!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "STARTLING EFFECTS!"

_Peep-Showman._ "On the right you observe the 'xpress train a-comin'

along, an' the signal lights, the green and the red. The green lights means 'caution,' and the red lights si'nifies 'danger'"----

_Small Boy_ (_with his eye to the aperture_). "But what's the yaller light, sir?"

_Peep-Showman_ (_slow and impressive_). "There ain't no yaller light--but the green and the red. The green lights means 'caution,' and the red lights si'nif----"

_Small Boy_ (_persistently_). "But wha's the other light, sir?"

_Peep-Showman_ (_losing patience_). "Tell yer there ain't no"----(_takes a look--in consternation_)--"Blowed if the darned old show ain't a-fire!!"]

EX NIHILO NIHIL FIT

["Fashions in drama change as frequently as fashions in hats. It has been reserved for our own day to evolve the comedy of nothing-in-particular. Nowadays nothing happens in a play."--_The Outlook._]

SCENE--_Nowhere in particular._

CHARACTERS.

HE, _a nonent.i.ty_.

SHE, _another_.

_He._ Dear----!

_She_ (_wearily_). Oh please don't. [_Does nothing._

_He._ Why, what's the matter?

_She._ Nothing.