THE BOOK OF THE PLAY (_as managers like it_).--"All places taken for the next fortnight."

When actors complain that all they require is "parts," they generally tell the exact truth.

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENE FROM SHAKSPEARIAN PANTOMIME

"Where got'st thou that goose?--look!"

(_Macbeth_, Act V., Sc. 3.)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A DISENCHANTMENT.--_Grandpapa._ "_What_? Bob in love with Miss Fontalba, the comic actress at the Parthenon?" _Bob (firing up)._ "Yes, grandpa! And if you've got a word to say against that lady, it had better not be said in my presence, that's all!" _Grandpapa._ "_I_ say a word _against_ her! Why, bless your heart, my dear boy! I was head over ears in love with her _myself_--_when I was your age!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE PROBLEM PLAY.--_New Woman (with the hat)._ "No! _My_ principle is simply _this_--if there's a _demand_ for these plays, it must be _supplied_!" _Woman not New (with the bonnet)._ "Precisely! Just as with the bull-fights in Spain!"

[_Scores_

[Ill.u.s.tration: CHURCH THEATRES FOR COUNTRY VILLAGES--THE BLAMELESS BALLET

["_Mr. Chamberlain has expressed himself in sympathy with the scheme of the Rev. Forbes Phillips for running theatres in connection with the churches in country villages._"]

There would, our artist imagines, be no difficulty in obtaining willing coryphees among the pew-openers and philanthropic spinsters of the various parishes.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mr. M'Chrustie (in the washing-room of the Minerva Club)._ "Look here, waiter, what's the meaning of this? These brushes are as beastly grimy as if they'd been blacking boots----!" _Waiter._ "Yes, sir: it's them members from the 'Junior Theshpian,' sir--as are 'ere now, sir. They do dye theirselves to that degree----!"

[_Mr. M'C. rushes off and writes furiously to the Committee!_

_Q._ What were the "palmy" days of the drama?

_A._ When they were first-rate hands at acting.

MOTTO FOR ALL DRAMATIC PERFORMERS.--"Act well your part."

A BAND-BOX.--An orchestra.

"What an awful voice that man's got!" said the manager, who was listening to the throaty tenor.

"Call that a voice," said his friend; "it's a disease!"

A PRIVATE BOX.--A sentry box.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "You can't sit there, mum. These here seats are reserved."

"You don't seem to be aware that I'm one of the directors' wives!"

"And if you was his _only_ wife, mum, I couldn't let you sit here."]

During the dull season a certain manager has issued such a number of his autographs in order to ensure the proper filling of his house that he has in playfulness conferred on it the nickname of the ordertorium.

WHAT MANAGERS, ACTRESSES, AND SPECTATORS ALL WANT.--A good dressing.

CHRISTMAS MUSIC FOR THEATRES.--The "waits" between the acts.

What we want for the British drama generally is not so much native talent as imagi-native talent.

AT THE MUSIC HALLS.--The birds that fly by night--the acro-bats.

[Ill.u.s.tration: CONFReRES.--_Master Jacky (who took part in some school theatricals last term,--suddenly, to eminent tragedian who has come to call)._ "I say, you know--I act!"]