I'm being held back by Logan and Cam as I watch that a.s.shole get down on one knee, with a f.u.c.king ring in his hand, holding hers, asking the girl that I love, to marry him.

And I can't do s.h.i.t about it.

Her eyes are shut, and when she opens them, she says something to him. He stands up wiping his f.u.c.king face. She says something else and he looks to the ground, nodding, and then they leave.

They walk away from this place and leave.

And I have no idea what the f.u.c.k just happened.

It's 3 in the G.o.dd.a.m.n morning and she's still not in her room. I should know, because that's where I am, waiting for her.

Like an abandoned f.u.c.king puppy.

Finally, I hear a car door slam and I rush to look outside. She pays the cab driver and starts her way upstairs.

She has to know I'm here because the lights on.

When she opens the door, she pauses when she sees me, then walks past me, like I'm not even f.u.c.king here.

She gets in the shower, and 5 minutes later she's out, dressed in pajamas and crawls into bed.

"Are you going to marry that a.s.shole?" I ask, because I need to know, so that I can prepare my head for the moment she breaks my heart.

"No, Jake, I'm not."

Thank f.u.c.k.

"So what the f.u.c.k? You just leave? Don't bother calling? You didn't bring your phone with you. Where were you all night, Kayla? Did you f.u.c.k him? For old times sake? Just one last hurrah?"

She starts crying and I know I'm being a d.i.c.k.

I calm myself down a little.

"I really want to feel okay about all of this, Kayla. But I don't know what the f.u.c.k is going on. You have to tell me something."

"What? Like you tell me?" she spits out.

"What do you mean?"

"Marisa?"

f.u.c.k.

"You didn't tell me you had a supermodel girlfriend that was supposed to be your prom date. Instead you end up with me. The stupid girl who's boyfriend had been s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g her best friend for two years and was too f.u.c.king clueless to know. And you take pity on me and hang out with me. Then my f.u.c.king family are murdered, I have no one, so now you're stuck with some strange girl sleeping in your f.u.c.king bed, taking over your f.u.c.king life and you can't get f.u.c.king rid of me." She wants to yell but she's keeping it together.

"She wasn't my girlfriend," I whisper.

She laughs once. "That's it? That's all you have to f.u.c.king say?"

I start to speak but she cuts me off. "We talked," she says, exhausted. "James and I, we talked. That's all. He asked my dad permission to marry me. I didn't know. I wanted to know what my dad had said to him, because I need a memory of him, of them, of my family. Because I'm starting to forget them..." Her voice breaks as tears flow and a sob overcomes her entire body.

"I feel like I'm starting to forget them, Jake, like they're fading away and I don't want that. What your mom did with this room... for me, I felt like they were here with me. I could even smell the memories in my blankets and clothes. But it's all going. The memories are fading and sometimes..." she stops, closes her eyes and takes a breath... "sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can't see them anymore, and I don't want to forget them. He helped me remember them, Jake. That's all."

I crawl into bed with her and tuck her head under my chin.

"You'll never forget them, Kayla. They'll always live in your heart."

Its quiet for the longest time as she cries quietly into me. When the sounds stop and I think she's fallen asleep, she whispers, "Jake, when we get to the house, I'm going to find a job, and then I'm moving out. I can't be this broken girl anymore."

I don't say anything, because f.u.c.k, what can I say? It's the last thing I ever wanted.

Chapter 35.

*Mikayla*

Moving day.

It would be an understatement to say that things have been awkward between Jake and I since the night of the bonfire.

Now, we'll be living together until I can save up enough money to move out.

I want to tell him that it's not because of him, but because of me. That I don't want to feel like our circ.u.mstances are the only reason we feel the way we feel for each other, If he feels anything for me at all.

I had organized for movers to take some of the furniture from storage to the house. Mandy was there to oversee it all.

After some very tearful goodbyes and a billion thank yous' from me to Mandy and Nathan, I went to say goodbye to Julie.

She'd been in her room most of the day. I guess she wasn't very happy about us leaving. I had gotten close to Julie over the last couple of months. She didn't replace Emily, but she came pretty close.

I wanted to give her a special gift, so I had written her her own fairytale and got it professionally ill.u.s.trated.

It was about a little girl who was a Princess, of course.

She wore a cape, as part of her costume, because she believed that one day, she'd be able fly and dance in the clouds.

Her older brother, the Prince, was a secret superhero, who went around at night saving the world, in his baseball gear, of course. His powers came from his right hand. He would raise it to the sky and the sun would beam down on it. His hand held the strength of a thousand men. The Queen and King, her parents, were also heroes, but not your normal, everyday ones. They were the kind that loved and cared for those that didn't have anyone else to love and care for them.

Julie loved the story, and when Mandy and Nathan saw it, they loved it too.

Now, we're in the car.

Two hour drive to Jake's house.

In silence.

Awkward as h.e.l.l.

"So..." he says out of nowhere, surprising me and making me jerk in my seat a little. "Julie showed me the book."

"Oh yeah?"

"It's beautiful, Mikayla, really. You're something else you know that?" he says this, never taking his eyes off the road.

More Silence.

I guess he can't take the quiet anymore because he plays with his stereo until the bluetooth connects with his phone.

And then...

You're insecure Don't know what for, You're turning heads when you walk through the do-o-or...'

My head snaps to his, and his eyes are wide, a blush creeping to his cheeks.

"Holy s.h.i.t!" I yell out in laughter. "One Direction, Jake? Really? What the f.u.c.k happened to you in the last two weeks?"

He laughs. A good, all out, carefree laugh. And I missed it. I missed it so much. And G.o.d, I miss him. So fricken much.

"Shut up!" he laughs, eyeing me sideways. "It must have been on like, a compilation I downloaded, or Ju-ju, she probably put it on!"

"What? Your 8 year old sister got your phone and loaded One Direction on there? For what? For her to listen to on the times you don't have your phone?!" I'm all out laughing now. Tears in my eyes.

"I honestly don't know how it got there. I swear it," he laughs again.

By the time we get to the house we've listened to the song no less than 20 times, know most of the words, and have a half a dance routine made up for it.

Thank you, One Direction, for breaking this awkward tension. If for nothing else, I will always remember the one song that bought me back to the most important person in my life.

Chapter 36.

*Mikayla*

It's not enough that I have to live with, and deal with Jake Andrews.

Now I have to deal with college Jake Andrews.

And this Jake Andrews, is a whole other level I didn't even know existed.

The hype of him being here was definitely downplayed by those around me because f.u.c.k, he is a big deal.

I can't go anywhere with him without being stopped every two minutes.

Everyone wants a piece of him, and I mean everyone.

I thought that Marisa chick was hot, she's nothing compared to the women here. And I say women because that's what they are, women, older, and more experienced.

From the few college parties I've experienced since being here the last couple of weeks, I know he can have any girl here.

Which is why, I choose not to go to many parties at all.

I'm still that frumpy, stupid, jealous, insecure little girl I was at that hotel.

In our home, he's my Jake, and I'm his Kayla.

We hug and hold hands, and talk and laugh.

We still never kiss, and we've never taken it further than innocent touching.

As f.u.c.king hard as it is, we have held back.

The minute we step out of those doors, it's like I shut down. Because I don't want to be known as the girl that hangs around Jake Andrews, the one he saved one tragic night. The one he cared for when no one else did.

I don't want to be the girl the other girls see as compet.i.tion, because I've been that girl, with James, and with Megan, and there are way too many f.u.c.king Megan's in college. Only this time it would hurt so much more. Because how I feel for Jake, when I let myself feel it, is a thousand times heavier than what I felt for James. Which means the heartbreak will hurt a thousand times more, and I don't think my heart can handle any more pain.

So out there, in the real world, I don't let myself feel it, the love I have for him. Because I really, truly, deeply love him.

And I'm scared. So f.u.c.king scared. That I won't be enough.

And that I'll never really have him. My Jake.

Contrary to how our relationship ended, James has been a good guy. We did plan on going to college together so I see him around campus and catch up with him every now and then. He's the only one, a piece of my past, that understands and remembers my family the way I want to. He was a big part of my life and for four years, he was part of my family. The sad part is, is that he loved them too. And he felt too guilty to grieve them the way he should have.

Girls ogle James when I'm with him, but it doesn't bother me. Not even a little. Because truthfully, James is a good looking guy, but only to those eyes have never laid on Jake f.u.c.king Andrews.

A few days after we got here, I landed a job at a video store. Yes, those still exist. It's s.h.i.t pay, but they work around my schedule and when it's not busy I get to sit and read and do homework, so it works out perfect. I'm saving the money I earn and can hopefully move out soon, so I can start working on finding who I am without Jake. So that if the time comes, I can give him me. All of it.

*Jake*

Every f.u.c.king day I have to wake up to her. In her short shorts and tight shirts looking hot as h.e.l.l in her morning state and her tired Bambi eyes.