"And thanks for coming with me tonight, you've both been great too," I added.

"Thass all right." Beth grinned.

"We told you you'd find someone here, didn't we?" Emily high-fived Beth. "We're always right!"

They were always right, yeah. But was Nic right about what she'd said to me about Joey?

Chapter Twenty-two.

Try as I might, it was difficult to forget about what Nic had said. I'd really liked Nic, I mean, proper liked, and kissing her had been perfect-there was no other word to describe it that could do it justice. It had been just, well, magical and perfect.

And, okay, so I'd only ever kissed Matt before, so I couldn't exactly say I was an expert in it, but the fact that kissing Nic had made me feel like my head was spinning and I was floating in the air had to mean it was having some sort of effect on me, right? Kissing Matt had only ever felt, I dunno, strained, forced and, well, dull, really.

But the more I thought about what had happened, and what Nic had said to me about Joey, the more it made sense. I tried to replay the evening over in my head, trying to remember what had happened, what I'd said to her and whether, as she'd suggested, I'd mentioned Joey's name more times than I should have done. When I thought back, I came to the conclusion that Nic was probably right. Subconsciously Joey had been with me every step of the way. Everything I'd done, seen, spoken about, I'd had Joey on my mind.

I'd thought about what it would have been like if she'd been there with me. What would she have worn? What would she have drunk? She wouldn't have danced, that much I was sure of, because she'd told me in previous conversations that she had two left feet and did everything possible to avoid dancing. We would have sat together at a table, I thought, and watched other people dancing, both of us grateful that the other didn't want to dance. I was sure we'd have had a giggle at some of the people there too, and would have dissolved into a heap of sniggers at the first person we'd seen funny dancing, or dressed silly.

Me, Beth, and Emily shared a taxi home from the club that night. I sat in the back of the taxi with them, travelling the whole way home in virtual silence as they both chattered away to one another, me lost in my own thoughts. After I'd been dropped off at home and had said my good-byes, I headed straight to my room, got undressed, and crawled into bed. I lay on my back, fingers linked behind my head, and stared up at the ceiling. It was, after all, the place where I did my best thinking, and I needed to think about things now more than I had done in a long, long time, certainly since all that shit with Fickle.

I realised that I knew Joey like she'd been my friend all my life. Even though we'd been talking to each other for just over two months, I felt like I knew her better than anyone else in the world, family aside. But possibly without me actually realising it, she'd become more than a friend, and I suddenly thought I didn't know what I'd do if she wasn't in my life anymore.

I thought back to Joey's messages to Willow online and wondered if they had shaken me up more than I'd realised. Maybe seeing those had been just the kick up the arse I'd needed to make me realise that I'd started to think of Joey as being more than just a friend. I mean, she was a friend to me, and in my own way I loved her for that. But those messages seemed to have stirred something deeper inside me, something that went deeper than just friendship.

I replayed the conversation I'd had with Joey when I'd told her she was more like a sister to me in my head, and cringed. I remembered how I'd told Twiggy that the idea of me and Joey would have been too weird, and wondered why on earth I would have said that. Maybe because me finding out that Joey liked me had kinda come out of the blue? Maybe it was some sort of innate defence mechanism I'd developed since Fickle, one that made me cautious when another person online said they liked me. I hadn't been cautious with Nic, but perhaps that was because, subconsciously, I didn't really care whether I saw her again or not.

But I cared about Joey, and the more I thought about it, the more obvious it became. She'd told me that she liked me, and I'd practically thrown it back in her face and now it was too late.

She'd moved on and I only had myself to blame.

I woke up the next day, Sunday, with a feeling of, I dunno, melancholy. I had a feeling that I might have dreamt about Joey, but you know how it is when you think you've dreamt something, and at the time you dreamt it, it was wonderful and fabulous, but when you try and recall it the next morning, you can't, no matter how hard you try? That was what was happening to me that Sunday morning.

I wanted to talk to Joey, not to make any declarations of love or anything daft like that, but just to hear her voice, to let me know she was still around, and that she hadn't disappeared from my life. I picked up my phone from the bedside cabinet and, through sleepy eyes, sent her a text asking her if she'd be online later. I kinda hoped that just one word from her would take this heavy feeling of downheartedness that seemed to be weighing heavily on my chest, almost like someone was sitting on me, away. One word from Joey and everything would be all right.

I scrolled down my list of contacts, finally stopping on Nic's name. I looked at her name, remembering her face, her laugh, her kiss, and how she'd made me feel last night. I started writing a message to her: Hey Nic, it's Immy LOL...

I snapped my phone shut again, not sending the message, not saving it either, thinking I'd send her something later, but knowing deep down I probably wouldn't. Instead, I quickly got up, showered and dressed, and headed downstairs, pulling my jumper over my head as I did so. Dad was in the kitchen, trying to scrape burnt bits from toast and make coffee at the same time.

"Your mother's having a lie-in," he said, rolling his eyes and grinning as he buttered some toast. "And put in a request for breakfast in bed."

"Nice," I said, opening a bottle of milk from the fridge and sniffing it.

"You have a good time last night?" Dad rubbed his hand affectionately up and down my back. "We didn't hear you come in."

"Yeah, it was okay," I replied, smiling at him. "I wasn't late. Midnight or so."

"And you got a taxi home?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"Of course, Dad!" I puffed out my cheeks in mock exasperation. "Shared one with Beth and Emily."

"Good." Dad leant over and kissed the top of my head.

He picked up the tray with coffee and toast on and headed for the door.

"Best get this to your mother before she starts ringing a bell, huh?" He winked at me.

"You're soooo under the thumb, Dad!" I laughed, shaking my head.

"I am to all of you girls," Dad winked again before hooking the kitchen door open with his foot and heading out of the door. "And I wouldn't have it any other way!" he called as he headed off up the stairs again.

My phone beeping from inside my jeans pocket made me put down my coffee and fish it out, flipping it open. It was from Joey, telling me she'd be online later that afternoon if I fancied a chat.

My immediate thought was that she was putting me off until later in the day because she wanted to talk to Willow first, but then I shook my head angrily and frowned. Joey would never do that; if Joey said she wouldn't be around until later, that meant she really wouldn't be around until later.

I spent the morning deep in thought, while at the same time fielding a barrage of questions from Beth, who had been texting me all morning, like someone possessed, about Nic: But ur going 2 call her, aren't u?

She was well in2 u, Immy!

Don't let her slip away...

These were just three of the approximately twelve texts she managed to send me up until lunchtime when she finally stopped-and that was only because she said Matt was taking her out for lunch.

Matt.

She mentioned him so casually that I barely even noticed, but the mention of his name seemed to plunge me even deeper into thought. Beth had been seeing him for a good few weeks now and they seemed blissfully happy. I thought back to the night a couple of months ago when I'd been to see Anathema play at the Metro and Ryan had given us all lifts home. Ryan and his girlfriend Lou had been so happy, and I remembered how I'd wanted to be as blissfully in love as they had been-and still were.

I hoped that Matt would find the love I never had for him with Beth, and sent her a text pretty much saying that. I suddenly somehow knew that the only person who could make me blissfully happy and in love was Joey, not Nic, not anyone else.

I just had to tell her that before it really was too late.

Chapter Twenty-three.

I had just finished my lunch, a not altogether inspiring concoction of lamb chops and limp vegetables, when Joey sent me a text asking me if I'd be online soon.

I managed to make my excuses to Mum and Dad, quickly helping to clear plates from the table before heading up to my room, two stairs at a time, trying to think about what I'd say to Joey. If I'd say anything at all, that was.

She was already on MSN when I logged on, and a brief ripple of jealousy spread through me as I wondered if she was talking to Willow. I opened up the Lovers and Sinners message board, looking to see if she'd been talking to Willow on there, and felt ludicrously relieved when I saw that they'd not posted any messages to each other since the Friday night when I'd first seen them. But, I guessed, that wouldn't necessarily have stopped them MSNing each other, would it?

I frowned, cross with myself for getting jealous and ratty with Joey for talking to someone else. She could do what she liked-who was I to tell her or want her to do otherwise?

Joey: You all right?

I looked at her message. Was I all right? Who knew?

Barnaby Rudge: Yeah, not bad. You?

Joey: Fair to middling LOL.

Barnaby Rudge: What you been up to today?

Joey: This and that. You?

Barnaby Rudge: Same.

There was a long silence. I sat at my desk, wondering what I could say to her next. I wanted to ask her about Willow, wanted to tell her reading their messages had stirred up feelings of jealousy, but how could I?

Joey: What about last night? You have a good time?

Barnaby Rudge: Ah yeah, it was fine.

Joey: Oh, right.

There was another long silence.

Joey: So did you go anywhere nice?

Barnaby Rudge: The Porter in town. You know it?

Joey: The gay place? Yeah, been there a few times when I've been to Oxford.

Barnaby Rudge: Ah, well I went there with two mates.

Joey: You have a good time?

Barnaby Rudge: Yeah, it was good.

Joey: You're sounding very coy!

Barnaby Rudge: Am I? Don't mean to be, soz.

It was like agony. I didn't know what else to say to her; I sure as hell didn't want to tell her about Nic, though.

Joey: Which means you must have copped off with someone LOL.

I didn't know how to answer that, so instead I just wrote: Barnaby Rudge: What about you? Did you have a good night?

Joey didn't reply for ages. I was just about to message her again when she suddenly said: Joey: It was...a night. Listen, Imms, I think I'm gonna go.

Barnaby Rudge: Oh, okay.

Joey: I thought I'd be fine talking to you, feeling the way I do about you, but I don't think I can.

Barnaby Rudge: Have I done something wrong?

Joey: No.

Barnaby Rudge: Then stay. Please!

Joey: I don't think I want to hear about you going out and copping off with people. It hurts, Imms, you know? I'm jealous. I've tried not to be, but I can't stop it.

I read her message and felt my throat tighten. I wasn't sure what to write, but I knew I'd have to write something soon or she'd be off, and I couldn't risk her disappearing away from me. Before I could type anything out to her, she wrote: Joey: And I know I said it wouldn't affect our friendship, but I don't know how it can't. I'm always gonna like you, Imms, and knowing you don't feel the same way, well, it's hard, and I don't think I can cope with it anymore.

Barnaby Rudge: Wait, Joey!

I immediately thought about Willow.

Barnaby Rudge: I thought you'd moved on?

Joey: No. I can't seem to.

Barnaby Rudge: No, I mean, I saw you talking to someone on the board on Friday night and thought you'd moved on.

Joey: Someone on the board? Who?

Barnaby Rudge: Willow.

Joey: Willow? LMAO!!

Barnaby Rudge: It's not funny! LOL.

Joey: I chatted to Willow for a few hours on the board, yeah, but that was all.

Barnaby Rudge: Oh. I kinda thought you and her might be...you know?

Joey: Imms, Willow is a guy. A gay guy who lives in London with his boyfriend called Jeff.

I put my head in my hands and groaned to myself. I felt soooo stupid.

I peeked through my fingers at Joey's message and groaned again, while at the same time fighting the urge to grin. Willow was a guy?

Barnaby Rudge: Strange name for a guy.