If you should stop, with a tired horse, at the door of the "King's Head"

anywhere, and should say to the bowing landlord thereof, that, unless you can find some other means of pursuing your journey, you shall be obliged to have a chaise immediately, you must not expect to be told by him that a very good coach, which is going your way, will change horses at the "Red Lion," nearly opposite, in less than ten minutes. Should this be the real state of the case, he will feel that he has no time to lose; and therefore, instantly seizing the handle of the hostler's bell, and ringing a louder peal than usual, he will at once show you into a back parlour, for fear that you should see the coach before a chaise can be got ready for you.

XIX.

Should it have been your fate to travel often, _more majorum_, on the box of a stage-coach, more than one coachman has probably told you a story, two miles long, about some mare so vicious and unmanageable that she had been rejected by every other coachman on the road, and that n.o.body but himself had ever been able to drive her, saying at the same time, "She is now, as you see, Sir, as quiet as a lamb." You must not believe all this, although it may perhaps be very true that the mare kicks sometimes, and that the man is not a bad coachman.

XX.

Although our friend the coachman is supposed to have been so very communicative to you on the last occasion, he may not perhaps be equally so on all others: for instance, if, when the roads are very bad, and the coach is heavily laden, he should, near the end of a difficult stage, pull up at some turnpike, and enter into a long talk apparently about a bad shilling or a lost parcel, he is very likely not to explain to you and the other pa.s.sengers that his real reason for thus stopping is because his horses are so much distressed that they would otherwise be scarcely able to reach the end of their ground. The conference at the gate is held in order to facilitate the ratification of the treaty for fresh horses to be exchanged in the next town.

XXI.

On arriving at the place where "the coach dines," walk to the nearest baker's shop, and there satisfy your hunger in a wholesome manner. At the dinner which is prepared for the pa.s.sengers it frequently happens that if there should have been any c.o.c.k-fighting in the town lately,[I]

the winner and the loser of the last battle appear at the top of the table as a couple of boiled fowls; and whenever there is a roast goose at the bottom, it is probably some old gander, who, after having lived for many years in the parish, is at last become so poor that he is obliged to be "taken into the house."

XXII.

If you have children, who are clever, do not question them too closely in company. Supposing, for example, that at the close of a social meal in the country, you should be sitting at table with your guests, on the eve of their departure from your hospitable roof: if, under these circ.u.mstances, some nice little fellow, who has lately rushed into the room, and is now busily employed with a bunch of grapes, should be called upon by you to join in the general expression of regret that your friends are to leave you to-morrow, he may perhaps say, "Yes, papa, we shall have no grapes after dinner to-morrow."

XXIII.

If you are thought to excel in any particular game or sport, do not too often lead to it as a subject of conversation: your superiority, if real, will be duly felt by all your acquaintance, and acknowledged by some of them; and you may be sure that "a word" in your favour from another person will add more to your reputation than "a whole history"

from yourself.

XXIV.

On seeing a new invention for the first time, do not instantly suggest a material alteration of it, as if you felt quite sure that this sudden thought of yours must be a very clever one. It may be reasonably supposed that the inventor did not hastily build up his work in its present form; and it would, therefore, be very unkind that you should bring the whole broadside of your intellectual guns to bear upon it in a moment. Besides, after all, it is just possible that the thing may be better as it is--without your improvement.

XXV.

The great merit of an important discovery frequently consists in the first application of some well-known principle of action to a cla.s.s of objects to which it had not before been applied. When such discovery has been brought before the public in one instance, the application of the same principle to other nearly similar objects requires a much lower degree of inventive talent. A sub-inventor of this sort often views the result of his labour with all the pride of a mother, when he is only ent.i.tled to the praise due to an accoucheur.

XXVI.

When your friends congratulate you on your recovery from the effects of a serious accident, it is very proper that you should thank them sincerely for their kindness in so doing: but it is by no means necessary that you should give a very detailed description of all your sufferings, and of every symptom attending the gradual progress of your recovery; nor need you explain exactly what was at first said by Mr.

Drugger, the apothecary, and what was afterwards the opinion of Sir Astley Cooper. You had better not do this; although some persons think that what the nurse occasionally said ought not, in a case like theirs, to be omitted.

XXVII.

On the same principle, if you should have lately been robbed, and should feel disposed to communicate the particulars of this sad affair, you really must not begin your account of it by telling us every thing which you were dreaming about just before you first heard the noise of thieves in your house on the eventful night of the robbery, adding always in conclusion, by way of appendix to your copious narrative, a correct list of the articles stolen. If you do this too often, you must not be surprised if some of your hearers should at last be almost tempted to regret that when you were robbed you were not murdered also.

XXVIII.

If it should be mentioned in conversation that a celebrated mare, belonging to Mr. Swindle, of Newmarket, has lately trotted sixteen miles within the hour, in harness, do not think it necessary to recount the wonderful performances of a famous gig-horse which you once had.

XXIX.

After having lost several games at billiards, when you are playing at a gentleman's house, it is not polite that you should attribute your failure to the inaccuracies of the table. These sundry defects of level are less likely to be complained of by the winner than by you; and he, therefore, stands less in need of this caution than you do.

x.x.x.

When the lord of the manor is showing the beauties of his house and grounds to you, and points out a very fine row of trees for your particular admiration, make no allusion to the magnificence of the avenue at Wimpole; and if he should afterwards show to you one of his pictures, which he values highly as the work of some celebrated master, remember that, although you may have been told privately, by a good authority, that the picture is not really what your friend supposes it to be, you are not called upon to display your borrowed knowledge as your own, and to make yourself odious by endeavouring to convince him that he has been deceived in the purchase.

x.x.xI.

Do not bestow extravagant praise upon every article lately bought by you, as if you considered that it had acquired increased value from having fallen into the hands of so distinguished a purchaser. Other persons will estimate the worth of it rather by its own merits than by yours.

x.x.xII.

It is quite unnecessary that you should always, in order to show the extent of your reading, claim a previous acquaintance with every expression which may be referred to in conversation as having been used by some celebrated author in one of his works. It is much easier for another person to quote lines which never were written than it would be for you to find them.[J]

x.x.xIII.

Do not consider it to be at all times your bounden duty to correct every mistake which may be made in your presence as to a name or an unimportant date. Some persons are so extremely sensitive on these points that they never allow the offender to escape a summary conviction. However interesting the conversation may be, they always feel justified in interrupting it if they can show that the anecdote which they have cut short related to the late General A., and not to his brother the admiral.

x.x.xIV.

If one of your party should be prevailed upon to sing a comic song for the amus.e.m.e.nt of the company, he will of course do it as well as he can, and it would not be flattering to him that you should immediately afterwards talk about the great pleasure which you formerly derived from hearing the same song sung by Mathews, or Bannister.

x.x.xV.

Beware of the amiable weakness of repeatedly telling long stories about your late father or uncle. They may have been excellent persons, and their memory may be deservedly respected by you; but it does not therefore necessarily follow that a full account of everything which was said or done by either of these worthy men on some trivial occasion should be very interesting to other people, not even to such of your friends as may be lucky enough not to have heard it before.

x.x.xVI.

If you should have lately suffered any great reduction of income from causes over which you had no control, it is better that you should bear your misfortunes quietly than that you should be very extensively communicative to your acquaintance on the subject of your grievances.

If, for instance, you tell them in confidence that you now have only 600_l._ a-year to live upon, such of them as have but 500_l._ will perhaps think that you still have at least 100_l._ more than you ought to have.

x.x.xVII.