Sunday morning there was a knock on the door and Amber opened it. I refused to pull my face from the hiding place of the couch cushions. Amber answered the door, said nothing and then closed the door again. Someone sat on the couch and I swore to myself that if it was Owen he would get kicked in the junk.

"How is she?" It only took those three words and I knew who it was-Sylvia.

I turned over and the tears and sobbing started. She opened her arms and I crawled across the couch to her and sought shelter there. We didn't speak for a long time. She cried right along with me. She held on to me like a mother would, like my mother hadn't since I was a child. I finally got up to get some tissues for her and me.

"I brought you some breakfast Nellie. I'm sure you haven't eaten. Right?"

"Yeah, ok." I went to the kitchen and she had picked up bagels. She folded my blankets and picked up my pillows and brought them into my room. She sat next to me and ate breakfast with me and soon after Amber joined us.

Sylvia cleared her throat and I knew that she was going to bring Owen up.

"I don't know what to do Nellie. I already know what happened. Owen came to the house last night and he and his dad stayed up all night talking. Falcon and Maddox woke up this morning and he told them too. I know he's my son but he was dead wrong for acting that way and for calling you..." She cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry." I said and she looked at me confused. "I mean, about cancelling the wedding, I'm sorry. You worked so hard to plan it."

"Nellie, I don't give a d.a.m.n about any of that. I care about you and Owen. It's Sunday so I will call tomorrow and cancel everything. I hate it but I know that if you two ever get over this, it's not going to be in a week. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe these things happen for a reason. Maybe I'm babbling." She giggled and I smiled a little.

"Ok, I'm going. I will tell Chase you are-ok. I won't tell Owen anything if you don't want me to. And Falcon requested that you call him. That boy loves you like you're his sister."

She got up from the table and I took her hand.

"Thank you Sylvia. And tell Owen the truth. I'm not ok. I don't know if I ever will be. That's the truth."

"Ok sweetie," she kissed my forehead. "Call me when you need me. Nothing has changed. I love you."

"I love you too." She hugged Amber who looked shocked and walked out of the door.

40. Owen.

I was a miserable, insane, rat b.a.s.t.a.r.d and now instead of keeping it hidden, everyone knew. Falcon refused to speak to me. He mumbled something to Dad about fixing it and he used the 'F' word. Not a typical thing for Falcon to do.

It was a week today that I made the biggest mistake of my life. Today was the day when Nellie and I were supposed to get married. She was supposed to walk down the aisle in her beautiful white dress and let me promise my love and commitment to her. I hadn't spoken to her in seven days and every single hour drug on forever. I sat with Mom as she cried about cancelling the church and the pastor. It was like I was torturing her all over again.

I drove to the church on time anyway. I pulled up to the tall white building and walked up to the empty worshipping place. I held on to the door jamb and worked up the courage to face what could have been and what I'd done. I made my feet move halfway up the aisle and sat in a pew and let my sorrow wash over me.

I deserved to be hung for what I'd done to her. She loved me with a love I'd never known but all I could do was constantly compare her to someone who was the exact opposite just because she broke my heart. Nellie was kind where Amy was cruel. Nellie was considerate and loving where Amy was aloof and cold. Nellie wanted me, past tense, and Amy cheated on me and then treated me like last week's trash. How in the h.e.l.l I allowed her into my love for Nellie, I'll never know.

I heard footsteps behind me and didn't want to know who it was unless it was Nellie. And it wasn't her. I would know her footsteps on a New York City street at rush hour. An older man in a blue b.u.t.ton down shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of gray pants sat down on the pew in front of me. I realized that I had been crying so I wiped them on my sleeve.

"It's a shame to see this church empty on a beautiful Sat.u.r.day in the summer." He said in a voice that reminded me of a grandfather. Though I'd never met mine.

"It's a beautiful church. There really should be a wedding here." I said truthfully.

"I heard there was supposed to be one here today. Must've been mistaken." He looked up at the ceiling and crossed his arms.

"Yeah, there was. Got cancelled." Nosey b.a.s.t.a.r.d.

"Nothing could've kept me away from my bride on my wedding day. I was more excited than she was. We would've been married fifty three years today."

"I was supposed to get married here today." I blurted out.

He turned around and he had gray eyes, almost as gray as his hair.

"Well, what happened?"

"I screwed it all up. She's the most amazing girl I've ever met and I let an old breakup influence my view of what we had. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve anything but the best. And she chose to love me. And I f-messed up."

"You know what the great thing about messing up is?" I shook my head, not really in the mood for his silver lining c.r.a.p. "The great thing about messing up is that usually, if you're smart-you don't repeat the same mistake again."

"I wouldn't ever repeat that mistake again. Problem is, I don't think she'll ever speak to me again."

I didn't wait for him to answer. I looked up one last time at the altar and walked out. I made my way to the restaurant to help out.

Everywhere I turned there were pieces of her. When I reached to put the Bronco into reverse I noticed her hair bands hanging on the shifter. There was a sticker on the inside of the visor that read 'Roller Derby girls do it on all fours" that she giggled about for days on end. I knew it was there, I didn't have to look at it. On the way to the restaurant I pa.s.sed the flower shop where she found the perfect silver roses for our wedding. She was in every corner and every cranny. I welcomed in it. It kept the pain notch kicked up to ten. It zapped me when I almost smiled. It throbbed in my chest and kept a steady beat in my head like a snare drum.

The restaurant was busy, the parking lot fuller than I'd seen it in a while. I walked in and went straight into the kitchen to wash up and grab an ap.r.o.n. I pushed the heavy swinging door open and apparently I was unexpected. Dad, Mom, Falcon and Nellie stood in a huddle and Dad had a familiar black box in his hand. Nellie sobbed while she turned the ring back and forth on her finger and then released it, retracting her agreement to marry me. She placed it back in the black box and my dad put it in his pocket. It was like an engagement moment on video but it was being played in reverse.

Falcon saw me first. He walked up next to me, grabbed an ap.r.o.n and a tray and pushed me in the shoulder so hard that I nearly toppled over.

I looked back and the ends of purple hair went through the back kitchen door and it closed quietly behind her.

Another nail in the b.a.s.t.a.r.d's coffin.

41. Nellie.

My dress hung on the door frame which part.i.tioned my room from the kitchen. I couldn't make myself return it. I should've returned it. I was going to the restaurant later to return the ring only because it was a Black family heirloom and if Owen and I weren't together then I had no business keeping it.

So my wedding dress was the only thing I would have left. I ran my hand down the ruffles and lace. It was a vintage dress that I'd found in an obscure dress shop. I would've loved to see Owen's face as I walked towards him in this dress.

My parents had said they already had plans when they received the wedding invitation in the mail. It didn't surprise me and to be honest, I was relieved.

I pa.s.sed by the Biology Department office the day before and saw the internship choice posted on the bulletin board. Owen Black was listed as the chosen student and I reached up to trace his name with my fingers as a silent congratulations. He worked his b.u.t.t off for that internship and now he didn't have to worry about leaving a wife behind. I couldn't be prouder of him.

Everyone expected me to be angry. They expected me to scream and throw things and paint 'Douchebag' on his car with pink paint. But I didn't scream, instead I buried my face in his pillow that stayed on his side of the bed and cried until I pa.s.sed out every night. I didn't throw things. But every morning like a person on the edge of sanity I took out all of his clothes from the bottom drawer, inhaled the cedar scent and refolded each one, a reaffirmation that at one time he was here and he loved me. I dialed his number nine times a day but never pressed 'send'. I painted 'h.e.l.lie Black' on the bottom of my skates with pink nail polish where no one would see.

I loved him and no matter how much it hurt I always would.

Cindi officially put the bookstore into my name. I kept the name Cindi's Indie, just because I loved it. I started full time on Sunday, the same day Owen and I were supposed to go on a cruise to Cozumel.

I went to the restaurant to meet Chase and return the ring. He said I didn't have to and that I should just keep it. But one day Owen might-well, he might need it. I turned the ring and just my luck, the d.a.m.ned thing was stuck on my finger. I finally pried it off, put it back in the box and that's when I saw Falcon break from our huddle in the kitchen. Then I saw Owen.

He looked awful. He was thinner. His shirt was loose. There were dark circles under his eyes. He had dark circles under his eyes when I met him but after spending most nights at my apartment and sleeping well, they had gone away. He turned his attention to Falcon who was more disappointed than angry with his older brother though it all looked like anger to an outsider. I took my opportunity and slipped out of the back kitchen door.

I drove straight to the skating rink and skated with the crowds of teenagers to the sound of cheesy love songs until there was no one left and I had no energy left to cry.

Sunday morning I opened up my shop at nine o'clock sharp. It was easy to open up that early when you lived just upstairs. That was a surprise that I was supposed to share with Owen last Sunday. Instead of moving into my apartment, we were going to have an apartment of our own. Along with the bookstore, ownership came with the apartment upstairs from it. I could never thank Cindi enough and she finally relented to letting me pay her seventeen percent of the profits from the store. I started haggling at twenty five percent and she talked me all the way down to seventeen percent. It was an odd number but she said she liked things odd.

But I would never get to share that secret with him.

42. Owen.

I moved back home for the two weeks between the end of school and the start of my internship. Dad and I went and got the needed gear from Dr. Callahan's list and some extra things for my trip. He had that look on his face the whole time like he was disappointed and peeved all at the same time.

"Just spit it out already, Dad. I can't take it." I wanted to clear the air before I left tomorrow.

"What do you want me to say, Son," he asked.

"I want you to say something. Tell me I'm a jacka.s.s. Tell me I screwed up again. Tell me I didn't deserve her in the first place. Tell me I'll never find another girl like her-ever. Say f-freakin' something"

"You did mess up, Owen. But you know that. What I can't get through my head is how you can just give up. You haven't tried to go see her. You haven't called her. Nothing. You have always deserved a love like she can give you. But I don't recognize the man beside me who won't even try. Don't you get it? She's not the one who stopped loving you. You're the one who didn't trust in what she gave you. Think about it while you're gone."

"What if she's moved on by then? What if she won't take me back?"

"If you think that for one second, then you never really knew her at all." He shrugged.

When I got upstairs Mom had already packed and I added the stuff that Dad and I had bought earlier.

"Mom, you didn't have to pack for me but thanks." She nodded and never looked up from zipping my duffle bag.

"What's wrong Mom," I asked.

"Two and a half months is a long time." She said and sat on my bed.

"I know. I'm going to try to call when we go in for supplies." I hugged her shoulders and she leaned her head down into my chest.

"OK. If you can." She whispered.

I drove out to Grand Isle the next morning early after saying my 'goodbyes' and prying myself from Mom. Falcon came downstairs and waved. But that was more interaction that we'd had since Nellie and I broke up. Dad told me that Falcon was upset with me for sabotaging myself. He said I'd had it all and ruined it. Apparently it also had to do a little with Kate breaking up with him for another guy.

I got to the dock and started unloading my gear. Dr. Callahan was there already on the coolest boat I'd ever seen. I went aboard and the work started immediately. I checked gauges and inventoried the tools and computers and lab equipment. I kept busy after everything was done cleaning Dr. Callahan started the boat and the dock grew smaller and smaller behind us.

Dr. Callahan, or Drew as he wanted me to call him, told me to try to get some sleep. That night we were going to be doing some night research. The man didn't waste any time. I went down into the belly of the beast and got as comfortable as I could on a five foot long hammock which hung from the rafters and tried to sleep.

I should've at least told her goodbye.

43. Nellie.

Sylvia called me as soon as he left and we cried together over the phone. Later she came to the bookstore and we went to lunch. She told me about the conversation Chase and Owen had before he left and it gave me some hope. We talked on the phone almost every day. I stopped myself millions of times from going to him and throwing myself at him before he left. I don't think my heart had any pride at all.

Amber and Dylan had decided to see other people and it broke Amber's heart but she tried to keep a 'tough girl' persona around him. She quit working at the skating rink and now worked at the bookstore with me. She had a new roommate, Huxley, and her name reminded us of those creepy Teddy Ruxpin dolls.

I sometimes made it through an hour or even a stretch of hours between consciously thinking about Owen. But if I were honest with myself he leeched onto every thought that ran through my head. Amber laughed at me when I zoned out. What would happen when he came back I didn't know. Maybe he would change his mind. Maybe he wouldn't want me anymore. Maybe he would be happy at the way it all went down.

Halfway through the summer the bookstore was doing so well that I decided to take the next semester off of school. I was going to go back in January but I wanted to take the rest of the year to really solidify the bookstore's online store.

Owen was scheduled to come back home in three days. I've never been so nervous. Amber threatened to spike my coffee with Xanax if I didn't shut up about it.

"Just shut up h.e.l.lie. He's going to come back and be all Crocodile Dundee looking and tell you he couldn't quit thinking about you while he was on the boat and he's a big oaf of an idiot and he wants you back. The end. Happily Ever After. So shut it already."

"How did you come up with Crocodile Dundee," I asked.

"You know he's studying crocodiles and stuff. That's how."

"It's alligators Am, alligators."

She gave me the death stare. "What-Ever."

We ate for a few minutes before she started up again.

"And nice touch with the blue hair again. He's going to remember when he fell in love with Smurfette."

"Shut up Amber."

44. Owen.

By the time the summer was over and Drew and I made our way back to the dock he was sick of me. Even though it was a working internship we both talked about our families. He talked about his wife and I talked about Nellie. I talked about her a lot. I talked about her so much one day that Drew pushed me off of the moving boat.

I learned so much about marine research that summer. We tagged animals and took blood and tissue samples. And I spent more time in the water than I ever had in my life. For once in my life I was excited to get back to school and complete my degree. Drew said when I finished with school that there was a possibility that I could be his research partner.

I needed to figure out a plan to get Nellie back. We belonged together and I was determined to do whatever I needed to prove that to her.

I thought about her almost every minute. I replayed the short span of our relationship over and over. I pinpointed where our flowers and happiness path turned hopeless and met its end. I also realized how I had ruined it. It wasn't that we didn't love each other, it wasn't a trust issue-it was internal. My self loathing att.i.tude had ruined us. My constant comparison of our relationship to my relationship with Amy took precedence over a lifetime with Nellie. I was ashamed of allowing those things to occur.

I stepped off of the boat and onto the dock a few hours later. After helping Drew unload all of the equipment and helping him clean the boat, I got into my Bronco and headed home and towards Nellie.