"I don't either. I don't know what to do. But I can get past it. I can."

"Ok. You have to work on it. And I'm here if you need me." That's all she said before she pulled her plate towards her and ate more than I've ever seen her eat.

"Hungry much?" I laughed at her.

"I didn't eat all day yesterday. I was all upset. I didn't even go to any of my cla.s.ses." She shoveled more food into her mouth.

"I went but I didn't want to and I couldn't tell you one thing that was said."

We laughed and it felt like we were back to normal. At least I'd hoped we were back to normal.

"What are you doing today?" I asked her hoping that she hadn't made plans.

"Spending the day with you if you're not busy. I just need you today. I feel like we're falling apart."

"I've got an idea. Are you up for a surprise?"

"Yeah."

"Good, let's go."

I paid for the check and we dropped off her car in her parking lot.

37. Nellie.

I rode in his Bronco, holding his hand and I felt a little better. They say recognizing the problem is the first step, right? He admitted that he was having some self-worth issues and some jealousy. I hoped he could get past them. I wanted him for the rest of my life but I wouldn't stand for a marriage without trust.

We pulled up at one of my favorite places and I should've known that my future marine biologist would love it here too. We bought tickets and headed into the Aquarium of the Americas. We walked through a tunnel under a shark tank. Owen pointed out each and every animal we saw and identified it like he was the embodiment of National Geographic. He made me stand on top of a gla.s.s circle which overlooked sharks. And I squealed every time one swam under me.

We spent the day happy. I needed happy. My phone rang and I looked at the phone to see that it was Sylvia. I answered and told her that we were fine. She also told me she loved me before she hung up. She started saying that after Owen proposed and it made me smile every time. And of course, I loved her too.

The next couple of months were more of the same. He told me everything-even when the jealousy hit. He told me when the doubts. .h.i.t and they were becoming less and less. It reminded me of an addict telling their sponsor when they wanted to use. But I appreciated the honesty. I asked him several times if he wanted to meet Ayden but he declined saying that he trusted me.

I had a roller derby exhibition coming up in two weeks. Owen came with me to practice before it and then we were getting married in three weeks. Cindi gave me extra time off so I could prepare even though the team wasn't having official practices. He could finally make it around the rink without falling.

I had a huge project in Chem. Lab to complete instead of a final exam. We had to create the experiment, doc.u.ment everything, complete the experiment, record the results and when we were finished we had to write a two thousand word report on everything. It was a pain in my a.s.s. Not to mention I had to spend almost every Tuesday and Thursday morning stuck in the library with Ayden instead of with Owen. But this was a huge project and Chemistry and the lab cla.s.s were non-negotiable parts of my curriculum. So I had to get a decent grade.

Cindi planned to officially give the store to me next week as a wedding present. She taught me everything she knew and hired a girl who was going to start the store a website and began selling Cindi's Indie books online.

Owen applied for an internship with a Marine Biology professor who spent the entire summer on a boat in the Gulf of Mexico doing research. It was a great opportunity for Owen and I didn't complain even though the thought of him spending two months away after we were just married was saddening to say the least. He wrote a paper and went through several interviews with the professor and waited impatiently for the decision.

My chem. Lab project was due on a Monday. I had the exhibition that on Sat.u.r.day night and plans with Owen to make final arrangements with the pastor and the church on Sunday afternoon. Sat.u.r.day morning Owen and I had breakfast and vegged out until the afternoon when I met Ayden at the library to print out our report and make sure everything was good to go for Monday.

Ayden was really a nice guy and funny as all heck. I could be friends with him if Owen would ever accept it. We printed everything and I looked at the time and the exhibition started in a little over an hour. Ayden walked me out to the parking lot, just being nice. I got into my car and it was parked next to his little Toyota truck. I put the keys into the ignition and turned but the only thing I heard was a clicking sound. I turned the key again and only heard the clicking sound again.

A knock on my window brought me out of my cussing wave at my car. I rolled down the window and Ayden smiled.

"Your battery is dead. That's the clicking sound. I don't have jumper cables though. Do you want a ride to the game?"

"It's a bout and yeah, I guess I do. Let me grab my bag."

I grabbed my bag and got into his little truck and he drove us to the skating rink.

When we arrived he offered to take my bag and I thought nothing of it.

We walked in and he almost hit me with the door and I laughed at his horrified face.

I saw Owen with his back turned to us and Dylan looked like he saw a ghost or a devil.

Owen turned around and the next thing I know, Ayden was on the floor-and b.l.o.o.d.y.

38. Owen.

After our first fight, that's what I called it, I got myself in check for the most part. I still had my moments but confessing them to Nellie made everything better. I trusted her. I did. So I acted like it. I declined meetings with Ayden.

About a month before the end of the semester Nellie came home very agitated. I had to pry it out of her but eventually she told me. She didn't want to and I knew exactly why. In her words Ayden forgot himself and reached over in the middle of working on their report and held her hand and tried to move in to kiss her. She immediately backtracked when she saw the rage in my face and said she was probably mistaken, she misinterpreted. She said she reiterated that she was engaged and about to be married and they were just friends. I believed her, I did. But it wasn't her I was worried about. I gave her a fake laugh and a fake smile and shrugged it off. But this added to that growing tension inside of me. It added pressure to my chest which already felt like it stretched my skin as far as it would go. And the added pressure made it feel like I could snap at any minute. The jealousy pumped and throbbed in my veins and I was afraid that one day it would explode.

Our wedding planning was going great, from the guy's perspective. Mom and Nellie did all of the heavy lifting. They made me go to the church. And Mom was right, it was beautiful. It had dark, worn wood floors and tons of windows. They picked the music and the dresses and they even picked out my suit. All I had to do was show up and try it on.

One night Nellie flew up from a sleeping position to sitting up and exclaimed, "I have to dye my hair back my natural color!" And then she lay back down and went to sleep. I stayed up for thirty minutes afterwards laughing my a.s.s off. The next morning she said she had a dream that she was sixty years old looking at her wedding alb.u.m and she had blue hair. She didn't want her wedding picture to have blue hair. Something about her grandchildren getting ideas. That just sent me on another laughing fit. I got slapped in the arm but it was worth it.

One day while I was going from Biology, the second one, to lunch I spotted a flyer on the cork board by the Biology Department's office. It was a paid internship with Dr. Callahan, who was a pretty big deal in the Marine Biology world. The only drawback? It was the entire summer long aboard a boat with no forms of communication. Not really ideal for a newlywed situation. I spoke to Nellie about it and of course she was nothing short of supportive. She said she would miss me but it would help my career immensely.

I wrote a report and had several interviews, one with the department head and one with Dr. Callahan. He seemed receptive to my ideas and was happy about my experience on the water and with boats. I hoped I got it but another part of me hoped I didn't.

Nellie had been busy with an end of semester project for chem. lab. I hit the gym as often as possible working off stress. Plus one night when we were having a family dinner Falcon goaded Nellie about having the hots for my muscles and she blushed harder than I've ever seen. I didn't want to disappoint her on our wedding night.

On Sat.u.r.day before the wedding, Nellie had a roller derby exhibition and I helped her to practice a few weeks before. Five minutes back on her skates and she was as fierce as ever. But tonight was going to be epic. It was a chance for her team to really show off. I talked to Dylan while I waited for her to arrive. She had to finalize her project with Ayden and should have arrived a few minutes ago.

"You've got to be s.h.i.tting me." Dylan looked behind me and I didn't even turn around at first. That guy was so dramatic, it was probably nothing.

"Owen, turn around now." He looked me dead in the eyes and his face had lost all color.

I turned and the scene slammed into me before my entire body completely faced them. It was Nellie, my girl, my fiance, my future wife. She walked next to someone and laughed at their joke. He held her bag. He opened the door for her. He acted comfortable around her. He was too close to her. He was Lucas, he had aged but he was still Lucas and all I could see was red.

My feet took off before my brain could register the situation. He was still looking at her when my fist connected with his boney jaw. He hit the floor and I shook my fist out readying it for the next blow. There would be many next blows. I knelt next to him and delivered the second blow to the other side of his face. After the third punch he groaned and roller over. Dylan walked up from somewhere and turned him over so I could get another jab at him. I heard Nellie screaming from somewhere to my left and I knew she told me to stop but I couldn't. Blood covered my fists. Cuts marred my knuckles. I dropped back on my haunches, finally giving up.

I heard someone, a man, he yelled and blew a whistle and Dylan dragged me out of there. I don't remember the car ride. I don't remember undressing or getting into the shower. I don't know who bandaged my hands.

Some people's memories are triggered by smell, some by touch or place. Mine was triggered by a scene. A scene of Amy and Lucas walking through the school doors the day after I found out the truth about her. He held her bag and she laughed at something he said. Then he put his arm around her with no shame or regret. And what did teenager Owen do? He walked away and then proceeded to act stupid.

What a b.a.s.t.a.r.d I've turned out to be.

Dylan handed me some white pills and I took them hoping maybe they were a narcotic that would knock me out until I was sane again. Whatever they were, I was knocked on my a.s.s within minutes. I woke up some time later to Dylan shaking my leg.

"Wake up man. Amber is bringing Nellie over here and they are both p.i.s.sed like I've never seen a woman p.i.s.sed. Get your a.s.s up now."

I sat up and paced until I heard them coming down the hall. People in Mississippi could probably hear them yelling.

Nellie came into the room and she looked haggard and she had a black eye. I took two steps to inspect her eye and she stopped me.

"Owen Black I swear if you even attempt to touch me I will castrate you where you stand."

"Fine."

"Explain Owen. Start explaining now." She nearly spit it at me.

"Me explain? Why should I have to explain anything?"

"You need to explain because it took me thirty minutes to convince Ayden not to press charges against you. He couldn't even defend himself. So yeah, you need to come up with something and fast."

"You convinced Ayden? You convinced Ayden? I don't know who that b.a.s.t.a.r.d Ayden is but I do know that the person I laid into was Lucas Barringer. Ayden Lucas Barringer. And I can't believe you're taking up for him."

"Lucas? Like that Lucas? How in the h.e.l.l was I supposed to know Owen? You don't think maybe you could've-I don't know-talked to me? Pulled me aside and let me know? Jesus Owen, what is going on in that head of yours? I thought we were getting somewhere. I thought you trusted me. We're getting married in seven days."

Amber and Dylan stood watching the whole thing go down.

"I do trust you. It's him I don't trust." I seethed through a clenched jaw.

"He didn't do anything wrong and neither did I. We're just friends."

"Yeah, I know. Everything is innocent Amy-s.h.i.t." The moment it came out of my mouth Amber gasped from the side of the room.

"Oh s.h.i.t." She covered her mouth after she said it.

I couldn't tear my eyes from Nellie. She wasn't angry anymore. She didn't yell. Tears ran down her face. We stood there for what seemed like centuries.

"You son of a b.i.t.c.h." She whispered and walked out of the door.

I took a step after her and Amber stopped me.

"Take another step and your b.a.l.l.s will be handed to you."

"Amber," Dylan started.

"No Dylan, she needs me." Amber walked out and slammed the door behind her.

That's it. I knew I would ruin it. She was gone.

39. Nellie.

Owen beat the h.e.l.l out of Ayden. One of the management at the skating rink took him to the hospital but not before I convinced him not to press charges against Owen. And I was left there waiting when Amber pulled me to the locker room to get ready.

How in the h.e.l.l was I going to skate like this? All I want to do is find out what in the h.e.l.l is going on!

I puked three times before my skates even hit the rink. I skated the first heat and got into a fight with a girl and it escalated to the point where I was banned from the rest of the bout. But by then she was beaten to a pulp and I had a new black eye. And I could care less.

I left the rink to watch from the sidelines and Cindi found me and checked out my eye. I left and ran to the bathroom to puke again.

The exhibition bout was finally over and Amber ran out of the locker room to meet me.

"Let's go find out what in the h.e.l.l is going on."

She drove and my body shook the entire way. I didn't cry. I didn't whine. I shook with fear. I just knew in my gut that whatever had taken place was going to be the end of us.

We arrived at the dorms in just a few minutes, Amber drove like a maniac.

Owen saw my black eye and immediately made a move to check on me like he hadn't just flipped the h.e.l.l out at the skating rink and everything was hunky dory. I threatened to castrate him and that put a stop to him.

He went on and on and soon it felt like I was an outsider, a spectator looking in on a soap opera. Then I heard him say something about Ayden really being Ayden Lucas or just Lucas to him. Yeah, that Lucas, he confirmed. I tried to tell him that we were just friends, tried to tell him that I didn't do anything wrong.

Why was I defending myself? I didn't do anything wrong.

I don't know what he said before it, I couldn't remember. But I knew what came next. He called me Amy. He said her name to me like I was the same as her, guilty of her transgressions, guilty of hurting him and scarring him. Even though the outside of my body stood still in shock, my insides quaked and pushed tears down my face.

He called me Amy. I repeated it to myself. The person he despised the most. The woman who broke his heart and caused irreparable damage to him. He called me by her name. And I only had one name to call him back. I wanted to yell it. I wanted to grab his face and scream it into his head making it sink in deep where he would feel it like I felt Amy. Only it came out as a whisper.

"You son of a b.i.t.c.h."

I turned to leave. My car sat stuck at the library with a dead battery. I didn't care. I needed to walk.

Halfway through my walk home Amber pulled up beside me and I got in. My bones and muscles moved but I was numb. Anger left me and was replaced by more than hurt or sadness. It was replaced by betrayal. Owen worried about Ayden or Lucas or whatever his name was but in the end his own distrust betrayed me and him. It ruined us.

I got my phone out of my pocket and saw that I had missed calls from Owen, Sylvia and Falcon. I even had a missed text message from Owen's dad Chase. I sent one text back to Sylvia, Falcon and Chase together.

N: Will call tmrw. It's over.

I never got a text back. I went home and took a hot shower in Amber's bathroom. I couldn't even look at my bed or my bathtub. Amber got me some pajamas from my room and pillows and blankets. I laid on the couch turned to face the cushions and let myself cry.

Amber's phone rang and she answered and finished the conversation with one line, "Don't ever call my phone again a.s.shole."

I knew who it was without asking. I didn't even acknowledge I heard the conversation. I closed my eyes but the only thing I could see was Owen's face deranged in anger.

I finally got up and checked the time on the clock since my phone was now off and would be off indefinitely. It was a little past three a.m. I wandered into the kitchen, my stomach wanting to eat.

Amber heard me get up and as I poured myself onto one of the kitchen chairs she heated up pizza in the microwave. My stomach rumbled as she placed the plate in front of me. I ate it without tasting it. I chewed-I swallowed-I breathed. And then when I thought about what Owen had done, what happened to us-I heaved.