And think of me.

CHAPTER 15.

Present My sister reached over to pour more wine. "I'll never forget that Christmas."

"What exactly was so memorable for you?" I asked. "Because I'll tell you what I remember. I remember completely losing my s.h.i.t."

"You came home a changed person. I could see in your eyes that you had something major on your mind. It was written all over your face. I suspected it had something to do with the same girl you mentioned to me before, but you wouldn't talk to me."

Cedric nodded his head, seeming way too amused. "So, she sent me to do some digging. Remember? I was the one that finally got it out of you. You were lovesick."

Allison slapped her knee. "Lovesick! That's a good way to describe it. My tough, tattooed, hard as nails brother had turned into a lovesick puppy."

Looking utterly entertained, Skylar curled into Mitch and glanced over at me. "So, you couldn't hide it anymore, huh?"

"Being away from her for those two weeks felt like an unbearable eternity. It's funny how being physically apart from someone can intensify the physical need for them. Those days were pivotal because not only did they confirm that I needed to come clean to her the second she came back, but they also made me more determined than ever to find a way to be with her. Losing her wasn't an option anymore because it felt like I needed her to breathe. I convinced myself that I'd find a way to make it work. Toward the end of the vacation, I basically decided to stop hiding the fact that I wanted her too. I let her clearly know it."

"In what way?" Mitch asked.

"Things started getting s.e.xual between us while we were apart. Maybe it was because of the safety barrier of separation or distance, but I just stopped holding back in that area."

"TMI," Allison shouted.

"Not at all," Skylar said as she crossed her legs and leaned in. "Do tell."

CHAPTER 16.

Past I spit out a piece of stale fruit cake into a red and green Christmas napkin and discreetly dumped it in the garbage, opting for a cookie instead. The buffet choices were limited at the annual Christmas Eve party held at the group home. I'd brought a tray of pigs in a blanket appetizers that people scarfed down within the first ten minutes.

About a dozen family members, residents and social workers packed into the small dining area. It was about four in the afternoon, and most were getting ready to leave.

Sipping hot apple cider, Ivy was in a quiet mood as we sat in the corner.

"Are you going to your sister's house for Christmas stuff tonight?" she asked.

"After I leave here, yes, but I'll stay with you as late as you want."

"Okay," she said, anxiously looking up at the clock.

"I won't leave till you tell me to, Ivy. Alright?"

She didn't respond. During most visits, she typically kicked me out way before I usually planned to leave anyway.

Half of the residents had gone home to their respective families for the holiday weekend. While Allison and Cedric told me that Ivy was welcome at the house, bringing her there was something I'd avoided. The one year she came home with me for Christmas Eve, she had an episode that scared the living daylights out of my nieces. It wasn't worth taking the risk again, especially since Ivy wasn't comfortable there anyway, so there was no point in pushing it.

"Can I give you your present now?" I asked, taking an envelope out of the inner pocket of my jacket.

She shook her head. "I'm not in the mood."

Shopping for Ivy was tough because she never liked what I bought for her. Anything of sentimental value, like jewelry, seemed to make her sad or angry. She hated any of the clothing I picked out. The one thing I knew she'd appreciate and actually use (aside from cigarettes, which I refused to buy her) was a Dunkin Donuts gift card. Ivy took daily walks there, and I made sure she had enough credit on the card to last her a year. Their coffee was her favorite, heavy on the cream and sugar, and I usually picked her up a hot one before each of my visits.

A few of the residents played instruments, so as was tradition at this yearly shindig, the slightly off-key Christmas music started to ring out in the opposite corner of the room. Joe, a middle-aged man, belted out the harmonica while Charleen, a girl in her twenties, played the electric keyboard. Junior, a guy in his thirties, who was somewhat hearing-impaired, played the guitar.

Ivy's eyes focused on Junior's hands as he worked the strings. Although she was once a talented guitarist, she refused to play anymore, and that made me extremely sad for her. Her Gibson always sat unused in the corner of her bedroom as if it were a phantom from a previous life. Anytime I suggested that she try playing, Ivy would become irate.

She continued to quietly watch her housemates perform. Listening to the slow melody, I'd almost nodded off before my eyes wandered downward. Ivy's fingers were starting to move to the rhythm of the music as she stayed transfixed on Junior's guitar. She was playing in the air and positioning her fingers exactly where they would go if she were actually performing along with them. It was the first time she'd ever done anything like that.

A smile spread across my face, and a warmness filled my heart on this otherwise cold and depressing night. It gave me a little bit of hope for her at a time when almost all of it had been depleted. When my eyes started to sting, I got up to throw away my plate as a distraction.

Ivy's social worker, Gina, came up behind me. "Merry Christmas, Jake."

"Same to you, Gina."

Gina was older and had been a licensed social worker for many years. Her black hair was pulled back tightly into a bun, and she was wearing a fugly Christmas sweater with pom poms and tiny bells hanging off of it.

She straightened her gla.s.ses. "Miss Ivy girl seems okay tonight."

I looked over at Ivy who was still strumming her fingers in the air. "Yeah. We've had worse Christmases. That's for sure."

A knot formed in my stomach. There had been something I'd wanted to discuss with Gina for a long time, but I wasn't going to bring it up tonight. She must have sensed it by the look on my face when she asked, "Do you have something on your mind?"

I hesitated then said, "There is something weighing on me, actually." I looked around and lowered my voice. "Do you...have a second to talk?"

Gina nodded and followed me into the empty adjacent kitchen.

I didn't quite know where to start. Gina was a kind person and very intuitive, so once I started spilling, she practically spoke for me.

"You know my intention is never to leave Ivy, right? I'll never abandon her."

Knowingly, she gave me a sympathetic smile. "You've met someone."

I swallowed, surprised that she knew exactly where this was going. "Yes."

"That was bound to happen, Jake. I understand."

"I never intended it to happen, though. I never wanted this complication, never wanted to hurt Ivy. I've done everything in my power to prevent it over the years, but-"

"It happens, Jake. You don't have to explain it. Does this woman know about your situation?"

A deep breath escaped me. "That's the thing. I'm planning to tell her about Ivy after the New Year, and I don't know how she's going to take it. So, this could be a non-issue if she decides she can't handle it at all. But if she accepts it..."

"If things get serious, you're going to need my help once you communicate everything to Ivy."

"Yes. I mean, not right away, but I need you to help me figure out what my rights are if Ivy and I were ever to..." I choked on the words.

Gina finished my sentence. "Divorce."

"Yeah. It's not something I want if it means losing my ability to care for her, but I just need to know my options legally. I want to make sure I can still make decisions for her. I'm her only family."

Gina placed her hand on my shoulder, and the bells on her sweater jingled. "Don't worry. Let's just take this one step at a time. We'll have to handle it very delicately, of course. But for what it's worth, I've known you for several years now, seen all that you've sacrificed. You're an amazing human being, and you deserve to have love in your life. Don't beat yourself up over this. We'll figure it out. You've been wonderful to Ivy, and she is very lucky to have you."

"Thank you, Gina. Thank you for understanding."

Someone called her attention back to the party, and she looked behind her shoulder. "We'll talk more after the holidays. In the meantime, I'll start researching the paperwork end of things for you." She slipped away before I could thank her again.

Leaning against the counter with my arms crossed, I felt overwhelmed. The reality of the situation was really starting to hit me now that I'd spoken aloud about it with someone. I could see Ivy in the next room, still playing along in her head to the music. This time, the lone teardrop I'd been fighting earlier fell freely down my cheek.

Wrapping paper flew everywhere. I couldn't crumple and discard it fast enough before more was thrown my way. The twins had recently discovered the truth about Santa Claus so were opening all of their gifts on Christmas Eve instead of the following morning.

It was now 9 p.m., and I'd returned from Ivy's a couple of hours earlier. The tree in my sister's living room was nearly as high as the ceiling. The bright multi-colored lights lit up the room as the flames from the fireplace crackled. Pandora radio was playing in the background. My mother and Max were cuddled together on one couch as Allison and Cedric lazily sat sipping their wine on the sofa across from them. I definitely felt like the odd man out, missing Nina something crazy.

Nina and I had been texting back and forth all night. I knew that Christmas Eve was really tough for her because of Jimmy and wanted to keep her spirits up even if we couldn't be together. I might have taken it too far earlier when I sent her a message that I couldn't help thinking about her when I Touch Myself by the Divinyls had come on the radio. Even though she didn't confirm it, I wondered if she understood that I was alluding to the night in my room when she admitted that she m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed. After I'd sent it, it took me nearly an hour to calm the raging hard on that developed just thinking again about her getting herself off. I finally had to retreat to the bathroom to take care of it. (Jingle Bell Jerk Off.) I'd also told her I missed her. I did, so f.u.c.king much even though it had only been a couple of days since our Chicago trip. Maybe it was mental because of the two weeks apart ahead of us.

Hannah interrupted my thoughts. "Uncle Jake, look!" She enthusiastically lifted up what seemed like the hundredth gift opened between her and Holly. This one was a freakish looking doll with gigantic eyes.

"Wow! That's...precious."

Frightening was more like it.

Nina had once confessed that certain dolls scared her when she was little, so I snapped a picture of it with my phone and texted it to her with a message.

Say h.e.l.lo to my little friend. It may be Christmas at your house, but it's Halloween here.

A few seconds later, she responded.

Nina: What the h.e.l.l is that thing?

Jake: The niece's new doll. You like her?

Nina: No!

Jake: We shall name her Nina.

Nina: Ugh! LOL.

Jake: ;-) After a few minutes pa.s.sed, I texted her again.

Jake: I need your address to mail your present. I'm making it next week while you're away.

Nina: I'm intrigued. I'll need to send yours, too. What do you like better, giving or receiving?

Jake: Are we still talking about presents? Either way, I really like both. I love to give actually. LOVE it.

Nina: I was talking about presents, yes. But now I see you're not.

Jake: What do you like?

Nina: If we're talking about actual gifts, I like to give.

Jake: And if we're talking about other gifts?

Nina: It depends.

Jake: On?

Nina: Who I'd be exchanging with and if they're good at giving gifts.

Jake: I'm very gifted.

Nina: I have no doubts that you are.

Jake: Take a picture of your face.

Nina: What? Why?

Jake: Because I'd be willing to bet it's redder than a poinsettia plant.

I typed again.

Jake: And because I miss it.

Nina: My face?

Jake: Yes. I f.u.c.king miss your face.

Nina: I miss your face, too.

It was the second time tonight I'd told her I missed her. My ability to hold back was clearly dwindling.

"Jake, can you stop with the phone for one second to come here and open your present?" my mother shouted from across the room.