"Jake...you don't think I was serious. I'm just kidding again."

"I knew that."

I knew it, but my d.i.c.k is a gullible b.a.s.t.a.r.d.

"That's what you get for making me down two gla.s.ses of wine. I get fresh," she said.

The s.e.xual tension from that exchange lingered through minutes of silence. Not once had we let go of each other's hands since takeoff.

Deciding to break the ice, I asked, "How are you getting to your parents?"

She bit her bottom lip. "Don't be upset."

"Okay..."

"Ryan was renting a car anyway, so he offered to drive me. It made sense because he's going to the same place. The bus tickets are expensive."

My free hand tensed, forming into a fist. "Uh-huh."

"Are you mad?"

Insanely jealous was more like it, and I didn't want her to see through it. I needed to earn as much of her respect as possible before my telling her everything and also needed to trust her a.s.surance that she wasn't interested in him in that way.

"No, it's fine. I bet he drives like an old man, so I'm glad you'll have a safe way of getting there." I clenched my teeth in envy of his being able to spend several hours in the car with her.

"What will you do for Christmas?"

"I'll be at my sister's. My mother and stepfather will be there, too. They live just outside Boston."

My mother, Vanessa, had remarried a couple of years ago. Her husband, Max, owned the diner where my sister used to work. Allison had introduced them.

"Do you get along with your stepfather?"

"Yeah, he's actually really cool and treats my mother like gold."

"Good. So, everyone on your end will be together for Christmas."

"Yeah. The family all gets together for dinner Christmas Eve, and then we sit by the fireplace and exchange presents. We watch my nieces get spoiled with gifts that I usually end up a.s.sembling and putting batteries into."

Of course, I had to omit the part about spending the early part of that evening with Ivy.

"I wanted to get you something but didn't have the chance," Nina said. "I may have to mail you something. What would you want?"

I want you.

I want you not to leave me when you find out.

That was all I wanted. That and to finally be able to show her with my body exactly how I felt about her without having to hold back.

"You don't have to get me anything."

"Are you kidding? After everything you've done for me? I'm definitely getting you something. And if you don't tell me what you want, I'm gonna have to guess, and that could be dangerous. You could end up getting something you hate."

"I'm sure I'd love anything you picked out for me."

"Private ice skating lessons, then?"

"Hmm. Ice dancing maybe...with a sequin shirt and spandex. Now, we're talking."

"Be careful what you wish for, Green."

She flashed me the type of smile that was always painful to look at, the sweetest kind that lit up not only her face but her eyes. I looked down at my watch to distract from it and saw there wasn't much time left on this flight. I never wanted it to end, not only the plane ride but the feeling of peace that I was experiencing. Being with her among the clouds like this without the problems that faced me on the ground was something I may never have again. If we kept flying endlessly, that would have been fine by me.

When Nina closed her eyes, my body remained turned toward her. With each pa.s.sing minute, fear reared more of its ugly face.

My mind drifted into a sea of worry, and it was exactly what I advised Nina against: letting fear of the future overtake the present moment as I imagined the different possible scenarios that could result from my impending confession.

Please understand, Nina.

My thoughts about what might happen after Christmas had consumed me so much that I hadn't even realized I was caressing her hand with my thumb. My body had apparently taken advantage while my brain wasn't paying enough attention to warn against it. It was doing what felt natural. That was my first prolonged physical gesture toward her. We'd held hands several times, innocently spooned and joked around about s.e.xual things. h.e.l.l, I'd even told her I wanted to make her come. But aside from briefly grabbing her waist that one drunken night in my room, I'd never actually touched her for any great length of time in a really sensual way. While rubbing my thumb against her hand might have seemed like an innocent thing, as soon as she started matching my circular motion with her own thumb, it turned into something altogether different. My strokes became firmer to let her know that I approved of the reciprocation. Just from the way my body was responding, and the way she always reacted to even brief contact from me, I knew that s.e.x with Nina would rock my world. At the moment, I was certain I'd do practically anything to experience being inside of her just once.

I continued to watch her breathing as her eyes remained closed.

We could be so good together. In every way.

I prayed for the chance as her soft tiny thumb circled my big calloused one. She caught me off guard when she suddenly opened her eyes, turning to me and seemed surprised to find me staring at her. My eyes hadn't left her since she'd closed hers. I was caught in the act.

The plane was losing alt.i.tude in preparation of the landing, and I became overcome with emotion. The slow descent represented the beginning of a new phase of our relationship, one that would be based on harsh reality, not fantasy.

I had to prepare myself for the likely possibility that I'd lose her and decided that if that were the case, moving out of the apartment would be the only option. To live with her and have to watch her from afar moving on with her life...dating...would be torture. The other side of the coin, if she accepted my life as it was, would bring me everything I'd ever wanted, things I never thought would be possible. What bothered me the most was that I truly had no idea which way it was going to play out.

I finally let go of her hand just long enough to push some of her hair behind her ear. "You better put on your seatbelt. The light just came on."

Trepidation returned to her eyes as she thought about the impending landing. She leaned her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes. I closed mine, too. She'd done it to calm herself down, but I'd done it to cherish the last moments of our flight. Inhaling every sweet breath that escaped her as she exhaled, I attempted to burn the scent into memory, trying to imagine what she tasted like.

After a rough, bouncy landing, the aircraft skidded to a halt. Our hands stayed connected as we exited the plane. We continued to hold hands as we navigated through the crowd at JFK and kept our fingers intertwined during the ride home. It started to snow outside while Christmas music played on the cab radio.

"I wish I didn't have to leave tomorrow," she said, her voice almost pained. "I'm so much happier here than there."

I'm happier when you're here, too.

I tightened my grip on her hand as Josh Groban's rendition of O, Holy Night came on. It made me sad that she was dreading Christmas. It was the main reason I was waiting to talk to her about Ivy since I knew the holidays would be hard enough on her. "I really wish you didn't have to go, either."

When the cab dropped us off in front of the apartment, I made no effort to go inside and neither did she. Nina sat on the stoop in front of our building and looked up at the sky while the snow fell on us, forming a powdery layer of white over her hair. Even though it was snowing, the temperature was mild.

She held her hands up to catch the snowflakes. "This is beautiful."

You are.

"It is," I said.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"It's nearly 2 a.m."

She bit her bottom lip. "We should probably go in."

"Do you want to go inside?"

"Not really."

"Let's not, then." Determined not to let this day end, I stood up and gave her my hand. "Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"To buy a few things."

We walked the couple of blocks to the all-night grocery store. As we entered the bright lighting of the market, she looked at me inquisitively. "What are we getting?"

"Since we won't be together for Christmas on Sunday, we should have a little party tonight."

Nina was grinning from ear to ear. "I think that's a great idea."

I picked up a carton of eggnog, a small bunch of overly ripe bananas and some holiday sugar cookies. Clutching the paper bag with one hand, I held her hand with the other as we walked back to our apartment.

"Let's stay out in the snow," I said. "I'm just gonna run inside. I'll be right back."

Ryan and Tarah were watching a movie in the living room when I entered the apartment. It surprised me to see them up so late.

"Hey, Jake," Tarah said.

"Hey."

"Where's Nina?"

"She's outside."

Ryan gave me one of his looks but kept quiet as I did my best to ignore him. Grabbing the blender and plugging it in, I dropped some ice, banana and eggnog inside then went over to the liquor cabinet for some rum. I turned on the blender to mix it all together and poured the drink into two large mugs.

When I rejoined Nina out front, a huge smile formed on her face as I handed her one. She took a sip. "Mmm...this is so good. What is it?"

"Iced banana rum eggnog. You like it?"

"I love it."

"Cheers," I said as we clanked our drinks together.

"Cheers."

I nudged her with my shoulder. "This is my kind of Christmas."

"Mine, too."

We munched on the Christmas cookies and drank our spiked nog while the snow continued to fall. We looked up in unison at the sound of a squeaky window opening and knew what would come next.

Mrs. b.a.l.l.sworthy didn't say anything as she looked down at us. I took a chance when I held up my mug and shouted, "Merry Christmas, Mrs. b.a.l.l.sworthy!"

We braced ourselves.

Nothing.

Nina and I looked at each other before giving up on a response.

Several seconds later, we heard it.

"Merry Christmas, motherf.u.c.kers!"

We fell back in laughter onto the snow-covered stairs.

"Now, that's a Christmas miracle." Nina laughed.

Lifting my mug up toward the sky, I chanted, "Merry Christmas to all motherf.u.c.kers and to all a motherf.u.c.king good night!"

It was practically morning by the time we finally went inside. Nina retreated to the shower, and as always, I snuck into her room. I opted not to leave her a bat that night because I'd been holding onto a pair of plastic gold pilot's wings to congratulate her on making it through her first airplane ride. I left the wings on her nightstand and went back to my room but couldn't sleep.

I'd have to leave for work in the morning and wouldn't see her again before she left since she and Ryan would be hitting the road to beat weekend traffic sometime in the afternoon. It was a Friday, and per usual, I'd be heading to Boston after work.

Before I left the following morning, I snuck a paper bat into her room. It had a hole punched into the top with some fishing line tied into a loop running through it. It was supposed to be a Christmas ornament.

What I almost wrote: I can't thank you enough for yesterday.

Not just for letting me take you away, But for seeing it through to the end.

And for being a true friend.

What I wished I could have written: My Christmas wish this year, Is to overcome MY fear.

Bet you never knew...

My one fear is losing you.

What I never could have written: I'd just about die to f.u.c.k you in the sky.

So, if you ever want to try mile-high, Thirty minutes would be more than enough, To make you come, slow and rough.

What I actually wrote: Hang this on your tree.