Chapter 33.

A Flea on the a.s.s of a Mosquito.

Have you been to a sporting event recently at a stadium or arena? Is it just me, or has the language in the stands gotten ruder and cruder?

First of all, anyone calling out obscenities at a sporting event is really not acting smart. Especially if you are someone who has children along. A lot of people . . . people with their kids right there at the game with them . . . yell out really rude stuff. And then they're shocked when their kids do the same thing. And other people have their kids there too. It makes no sense to me.

Unless you are me-up on a stage-n.o.body wants to hear somebody cussing up a storm about whatever's bugging them. And the difference is this . . . when someone hears me do it, they knew that was part of the show when they bought the ticket. I'm a performer, not some heckler from the bleachers popping off a mouthful of ugliness in front of children. And you know you're going to find children at sporting events-unless it's your penitentiary softball game . . . in which case, have at it!

Imagine if we all lost our minds for a day and just started heckling each other the way that we heckle sports folks. If you're at work and you're at your computer, and you have some guy yelling at you from across the room, "You suck!", you couldn't put together a PowerPoint presentation to save your life. Or "What did your mother do to you that you don't know how to revise these sales figures?" That behavior wouldn't last one day. Neither would the person yelling it.

I mean, what is the point of heckling somebody who's playing a sport? If you are a true fan, you are there to support the team, cheer them on, see some action, and enjoy the event. But hecklers seem to think they are the real fans because they see themselves as part of the action.

Excuse me?

If you see yourself as one of this special breed of superfan, let me see if I understand properly. You believe you're part of the action because you sit there with a hot dog in one hand and a beer in the other screaming, "You suck!" Or "Your wife is . . . whatever." Uh-huh . . . I see . . . Now, is there a spring training camp for that particular talent? Do they bring you along on the team plane for away games? No? Strange . . .

What do you gain from that trash talk? Nothing. And you might be buying yourself some trouble. Pros tune it out. OK, there was that time Ron Artest went into the stands, but that doesn't happen often. Are you willing to test that?

It amazes me that people are always surprised when they have driven someone to a breaking point. If you are a trash talker, have you thought this through? Not every player's gonna go, "Oh, OK. That's cool, you're just heckling me." Some guys aren't going to take it well. And some just might come up into the stands and get in your face. And then what are you going to do? Because you can't beat them. You have no place to run. And even if you did . . . are you going to outrun a pro athlete?

Good luck, superfan.

It never used to be like this. All right, maybe when I was a kid, you'd hear, "Get outta there, ya b.u.m!" Maybe you'd hear that. But you wouldn't hear, "Hey, you frickin' idiot, your mother is a blah-blah-blah." People didn't do that. And they didn't do it because it wasn't right.

At the bottom line of it all, you're there to watch the game. And if you don't want to see the game, then why did you go? Other people might actually want to see it, and it's not OK that you go and mess up their evening with their child. An evening when they sh.e.l.led out good money for the seats, the parking, the food, everything. It's not cheap.

Here's the thing. My answer to it . . . Want to be an a.s.s? Stay home! Be an a.s.s inside your house. Yell and scream at the TV all you want. Don't go s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up somebody else's good time because, A, you've had too much to drink, or B, you don't know how to act in public.

Fan ugliness is everywhere. When the Yankees were playing the Phillies in the World Series, the New York papers had the nastiest pictures and headlines right on the cover. Real taunting, you know, just sort of stepping on their manhood. What is that?

Those players were visiting in New York with their families. Why should they have to look at pictures of themselves in skirts? Or the picture they Photoshopped of Pedro in the baby diaper.

It seems wrong to me. Just wrong.

And when a newspaper does that, it sort of validates it for the punks who go to the game to heckle Derek Jeter, thinking he's going to hear every word they say. Heckle Jeter? Let me hip you to this, dear heckler: You are a flea on the a.s.s of a mosquito on Derek Jeter's jersey. That's what you are.

Chapter 34.

Play Nice or Stay Home.

Rude fans at sports stadiums don't stop at heckling. h.e.l.l, no. Why should they be satisfied merely yelling trash about a player's mother's STDs (yikes!), when they can step it up to an arrest for disorderly conduct?

These people are jacka.s.ses. Plain and simple But come on . . . we both know it's more than that. I'm going out on a limb here. I'm going to say that I believe these . . . offensive individuals . . . may have some special help. And I think it's alcohol.

What?? Get outta town . . .

These losers are somewhere on the scale between "Buzzed" and "Hammered Off Their a.s.ses." And here's the thing . . . If you can't hold your alcohol, you should not be at the game. Drinking. That's it right there. You should not be at the game drinking if you cannot hold your liquor.

For the longest time until it was finally stopped, the old Giants Stadium in the Meadowlands had a weekly gathering of about five hundred drunks near the infamous Gate D, hara.s.sing women every Sunday football game. It was a total mob mentality. And people would wonder, how did five hundred people get away with that for so long?

I know why. It's exactly because there were five hundred of them. Call it vulgarity in numbers. Because if no one gets reported, or n.o.body gets in trouble, a guy figures, "Well, if I'm with them, I can't get in trouble either. They can't find me in five hundred other people." And when you include alcohol in that, man . . . Alcohol tends to make people believe that it's OK for them to do or say anything.

Duh.

But, oh, what stunts they pull . . . Like the fans who like to pack batteries in s...o...b..a.l.l.s and throw them at the football players. That's just dangerous. What gives anybody the right to come in and throw a brick dressed as a s...o...b..ll at somebody and think it's funny? What if they hit him? That's one player going to the hospital and one fan going to jail.

The hot new summer sport doesn't seem to be baseball. It's fans running out onto the field to be Tasered by cops. Why? . . . Really, why??

What makes people think they have the right to leave their house and go to some stadium and be obnoxious?

Stay home.

Who decided a stadium is a free pa.s.s? I think a lot of people believe it is. It's the "If It Happens in Vegas" mentality . . . only in the bleachers.

How about when you're sitting there and folks show up with all sorts of c.r.a.p and start spreading it out on the seats like it was a sale? They spread out like they were in their living rooms or Man Caves at home. If you're one of these people, here's The Big Question: What gives you the right to go to a stadium and pretend you're at home? And if you have a Man Cave? You may already be a lost cause.

I bet you don't pull anything like that at home. I doubt that they would let you. And maybe that's why you're moving around to ball parks and stadiums so much. You think that you're ent.i.tled ent.i.tled to do it because you paid $490 for a ticket? What about the other people who paid for tickets too? What are they ent.i.tled to? What if everybody does it? to do it because you paid $490 for a ticket? What about the other people who paid for tickets too? What are they ent.i.tled to? What if everybody does it?

It's nuts.

Now, there are some annoyances at sporting events that you can't really do anything about. For instance, some folks complain that they don't like it when people keep getting up and down during the game 'cause they make everybody stand up and move every two minutes. I say, let that one go. It's annoying, but you don't know if they have to go to the bathroom or get food or maybe just walk off a leg cramp from being crowded by that guy who spread his c.r.a.p out all over the row. That's one we just relax and live with. Choose your battles.

If you want to get angry at someone, save it for the fans who think it's cute to hara.s.s or belittle the food and souvenir vendors . . . giving them demeaning nicknames, or tossing their money so they have to stoop for it. They think it's funny. But everything's a little more amusing when you're buzzed.

Most people don't know how to drink. I'm going to take a wild guess that these are not the people paying attention to the end of the TV ad where it says, "Enjoy responsibly."

They enjoy being jerks.

Meanwhile, these stadium vendors are working stiffs. They're not enjoying a Sunday afternoon in a reserved seat pounding back a cold brew. They're the ones serving it. Carrying fifty or sixty pounds on their backs, making change while some joker makes fun of them.

I'm a sports fan. I'm supposed to come to this game and enjoy myself and cheer my team. You, however, are not supposed to be throwing things and acting up right next to me. Or leaning over my kid and being rude. You're not supposed to do that.

I have an idea for a new tradition at the stadium. Throwing out the first drunk.

Chapter 35.

Self-Test: Stadium Behavior.

Have you ever been involved in an altercation with another fan at a sporting event?

If no, score 0 If once, score 2 If more than once, score 5 Have you ever been spoken to by stadium security about your drinking, swearing, or rowdiness?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 If you don't remember, score 10 If stadium security cautioned you, did it bother you that they did?

If yes, score 0 If no, score 5 Have you ever thrown an object onto the field (or floor or ice)?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 Have you ever been asked to leave a sporting event because your behavior was disruptive to other fans?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 If more than once, score 10 Did you care?

If yes, score 0 If no, score 5 If someone disrupted your time at the game, would it bother you?

If yes, score 0 If no, score 5 Total score: ______ Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.

Chapter 36.

Block That Parent.

What is wrong with soccer moms and Little League dads? No, no, hang on. Not all of them. I'm talking about the ones you see verbally or physically abusing their kids' coaches and referees at games.

Hey, sideline moms and baseball dads . . . What is wrong in your life that you have to go and yell at people like that? And know what makes it worse? These coaches are often just volunteering to do this job. These aren't paid referees. These aren't paid coaches. These are folks who give of their time so kids get a chance to play a team sport. So why abuse them? If you have a real issue with a coach, report him to the league. You don't have to stand there screaming at him . . . looking like a freak.

Yeah, a freak. You see, from an onlooker's perspective, there isn't anybody who looks so fine doing that. n.o.body looks good doing it.

What's changed here? It used to be when you got into Little League and youth soccer it was all about teaching kids something. Playing and values . . . Teamwork . . . How to be good sports . . . Having fun. I don't know what it's about now. I don't get it. I don't get why parents don't see what they're doing, acting out like they do.

And doesn't it ever once occur to them that this is not the behavior you want to teach a kid? They get all p.i.s.sed off when their kid is rude, but their rudeness is OK? . . . Am I the only one not getting this?

Unlike bad stadium behavior, this usually doesn't involve alcohol. Usually. It's an ego thing, or about parents living their dreams through their kid . . . whatever. It's a little sad. Because then the poor kid's trying to figure out, "Well, is this OK behavior? . . . Must be. My parents are doing it. So then it must be all right if I do it to my sister or I do it to kids at school." If you are one of these nightmare parents, ask yourself-are you showing your child how to become a bully?

Obviously, this behavior is widespread. Don't take my word for it. Go to a ball field and look at the signs warning parents how to behave. Think about that. They have to put up signs.

What is happening?

Some soccer leagues have inst.i.tuted something called Silent Sidelines. They're trying to deal with parents who can't contain themselves by making a rule that parents can't cheer either. I see. That's the solution to stopping the heckling?

What the h.e.l.l?! Something's out of whack here. They're shutting everybody up because of a handful of p.i.s.sants? Enjoy your game, kids.

I think this is a better solution. If you're a player who is belligerent, the consequence should be that you can't be on the team. If your parents are belligerent, they can't bring you there to play. Most parents, when faced with the annoyance of their child-complaining because their ridiculous behavior has gotten their kid kicked off the team and unable to play anywhere else for a year-would probably learn to keep their big mouths shut.

If there were consequences for belligerence, would people behave differently? They might . . .

But there aren't consequences, and so we see this pestilence sort of rolling around the world. People just saying anything they feel like, or behaving any way they feel like. Yelling at the coach, "You're ignoring my son!!" But there are twelve other kids on the team. Don't they count?

I think they do. Too bad I'm not the one who needs to know that.

Chapter 37.

Self-Test: Sideline Civility.

At your child's game, has anyone asked you to chill, that it's only a game?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 3 On the sidelines or bleachers, do other parents ever move away from you?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 Has your child-athlete ever asked you to stop yelling or not to fight with the other parents?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 If more than once, score 10 Did it bother you that your child asked that?

If yes, score 2 If no, score 5 Have you ever called your child's coach a curse name, or threatened the coach?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 10 Would it p.i.s.s you off if someone did that to you?

If yes, score 2 If no, score 5 Total score: ______ Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.

Chapter 38.

Down in Front!

How many times do you go to your kid's school pageant or a dance recital or graduation and there's this proud parent who has decided to be Steven Spielberg . . . Some mom or dad with a camera . . . shooting video, getting up, roaming around up to the stage, and so forth . . . Listen, I'm cool with that. I am. We're all proud of our kids and want to capture the moment. Groovy. Shoot away!

But . . . don't get in front of me. If I'm a parent in that audience, I want to see my kid too. And now, you're in my way, Mr. Spielberg. And I don't like it. So do what you've got to do, get your pictures, but don't obscure other people's sight. Don't make others suffer for your "art."

If you are one of these videographers, I have to ask something. What makes your . . . Little Doc.u.mentary That Could Little Doc.u.mentary That Could . . . more important than everyone else's chance to enjoy a moment at their child's event? . . . more important than everyone else's chance to enjoy a moment at their child's event?