I repeat: It's not your living room.

It's simple.

If it's that hard not to talk for two hours, maybe you ought to keep your a.s.s home!

Here's the point. Everybody Everybody has paid their $75,000 to get into the movie, and they want to watch it, or see the show. So why do you feel the need to pretend like you're sitting in your living room having a conversation with your husband? has paid their $75,000 to get into the movie, and they want to watch it, or see the show. So why do you feel the need to pretend like you're sitting in your living room having a conversation with your husband?

What gives anyone the nerve to step on my right to enjoy myself in silence? If you want to talk through it-go home! And why, in the movies, are you surprised when suddenly the usher comes up and goes, " 'Scuse me. You are talking way too much." Now everybody is distracted. Congratulations, you have created an issue where there didn't have to be one. You've brought attention where you didn't have to have it. You've disrupted everybody's good time. All you had to do was know where you are . . . which is NOT at home!

THE MOVIES.

Now. There are cultural differences that exist when you go to certain movies. Sometimes when you go to the movies in, say, a black neighborhood, folks talk to the screen. Know that. That's part of the show. I don't know why. It's what happens sometimes. White neighborhoods don't seem to talk to the screen. Unless it's Rocky Horror Rocky Horror.

But if you're in the theater, and you're the only one making noise . . . there's a problem. If you can hear yourself in the movies . . . there's a problem. Can you guess what it is? Run to the mirror. What do you see?

You. Yes, you.

Imagine a movie you you want to see, that want to see, that you you were enthralled by, and you've got some bonehead giving you play-by-play or asking about the Sno-Caps. Or talking about the fact that you don't think that actress is all that great . . . or that she's any good in this movie. Who wants to hear it? You don't want to hear that. You're shushing people when you're watching TV at home, so why do you think it's OK to go to the movies and act out? Have a little consideration for your neighbors who are sitting around you. Staring laser beams at the back of your head. were enthralled by, and you've got some bonehead giving you play-by-play or asking about the Sno-Caps. Or talking about the fact that you don't think that actress is all that great . . . or that she's any good in this movie. Who wants to hear it? You don't want to hear that. You're shushing people when you're watching TV at home, so why do you think it's OK to go to the movies and act out? Have a little consideration for your neighbors who are sitting around you. Staring laser beams at the back of your head.

Because if everybody everybody starts to exhibit that kind of behavior, you've got all kinds of problems. starts to exhibit that kind of behavior, you've got all kinds of problems.

So remember. Know where you are. And if you're in a movie where everybody is talking, knock yourself out. But if you are not, then-how can I put this nicely?-shut up!

Oh, and don't bring little kids to the movies. You know what I mean. I mean the movies that are not meant for little kids. I understand sometimes you don't have any money to get a babysitter and you just really want to go to the movies. OK. Go in the morning Go in the morning. Go to the ten a.m. show. Don't go to the eight p.m. show. Because Because you you know know babies are going to be cranky. Or it's going to be too loud for them. Or too scary for them. babies are going to be cranky. Or it's going to be too loud for them. Or too scary for them.

So if you find yourself desperate to get out of the house and go to the movies, go early, because you know know you're going to have to get up and leave because the baby doesn't want to be there anyway in the dark, just sitting there. Kids don't sit still. And their attention span is relatively short. So they psych you out for like, twenty minutes, and then they go off. you're going to have to get up and leave because the baby doesn't want to be there anyway in the dark, just sitting there. Kids don't sit still. And their attention span is relatively short. So they psych you out for like, twenty minutes, and then they go off.

Who's enjoying the movie now? You? The baby? . . . n.o.body!

And think about that child. Some kids have issues, like being sound sensitive. You need to know that before you take them into the THX theater. That big low rumble that sounds so great to us us when the mother ship is landing may not sound all that great to a kid. And they can't explain it. They may not have the words yet, so they do the next best thing. Flip out. when the mother ship is landing may not sound all that great to a kid. And they can't explain it. They may not have the words yet, so they do the next best thing. Flip out.

And little kids will talk through a movie. "What is is that?" "Why is he doing that?" "When is this going to be over?" "Can we go?" "I have to go to the bathroom." "Could I have something to eat?" that?" "Why is he doing that?" "When is this going to be over?" "Can we go?" "I have to go to the bathroom." "Could I have something to eat?"

So if it's not the best experience for you, for the kid, or for the people in the theater with you, doesn't it seem like a lot of trouble for a $25 soda?

THE STAGE THEATER.

As a performer on the live stage, one thing that irritates me is people coming in late. Yeah, traffic can be a factor, anything can happen, fine, fine, fine . . . But coming in after a show has started distracts everyone-folks acting and folks watching. 'Cause now, all we see is you . . . late . . . making noise (I really do hope it's not you who ends up getting those ugly stares). So avoid being late, if you can.

Ringing cell phones are also a pain. Folks let them ring and ring because they are hoping and praying n.o.body will figure out it is theirs.

Sorry, but everybody knows it's you. They know know it's you. The people sitting around you are looking dead it's you. The people sitting around you are looking dead at you at you, saying silently, "This jacka.s.s's phone has gone off. And look, he's not doing anything." If you're at a play, or you're at a performance, those people on the stage can hear your phone. So just fumbleflub around and turn it off. Just do that. Best thing is just to turn it off as soon as you sit down.

The only person who should have any kind of device that goes off in a theater is a doctor. They're the only people that have to have to have their cell phones with them. have their cell phones with them.

Here's another pain in the a.s.s new technology has brought us . . . People in the theater audience have started to shoot video on their phones. You have to know it's a lousy thing to do. It's piracy. It's one of the things that irritates the h.e.l.l out of me. 'Cause, basically, you are stealing stealing somebody's performance. somebody's performance.

Why do you think that's OK?

When I'm on a stage by myself, I say, "You cannot have your cell phone on. And if I see it, I'm going to put you out of here." People get offended! They tell me they paid their money. I say, "Hey, you paid your money to come to the theater, that's true, but I don't remember a DVD giveaway included, so turn it off or get out, because you haven't paid me for that."

It's rude, I know, but so is stealing my work.

And I feel bad for people in the audience who just wanted to see a show and now what do they have to do? They have to crane their necks to look around the guy holding up his cell phone to video it.

Am I the first one to wonder when a nice night in the theater stopped being just a night in the theater?

This cell phone recording is why so many comics and solo performers have changed the way they do things now. For instance, there's a whole lot of stuff now that I just won't say. I won't say it because I don't want my performance on YouTube out of context. And I can't even find you. It's anonymous. And that's cowardly. You can edit it, you can cut it, you can do whatever you want to it and take my work someplace maybe I wasn't going with it. But no one else knows that because they weren't there.

Anyone give you the right to do that? Just because you have the technical capacity doesn't mean you have the right to. Any more than it gives you the right to cut a hole in somebody's wall and videotape them changing their clothes. What is the moral obligation of technical access? Is there one?

Does your cell phone make you so important you are emboldened to do whatever you want with it . . . wherever and whenever you want to? Texting? Talking? Videoing?

I say, if you're that important, stay home. If you need to catch every beep and buzz that your phone does, stay home. Rent one of my DVDs and make us both happy.

EVERYWHERE ELSE.

By now, if you go out you should know that there are certain things that are not OK. You don't have the right to stick your phone in somebody's face, you don't have the right to make me listen to your conversation. You're not ent.i.tled to that.

Whisper if you have to answer the phone in public. Be considerate. Because the little bit of s.p.a.ce that I occupy in that restaurant is mine.

Now, why have I gone off this way? Because-to put it delicately-our manners have gone in the freakin' toilet. Dainty, aren't I?

I don't know if bad cell phone manners can be stopped. I truly don't. I believe cell phone rudeness is spreading in such a way that we are becoming a society where it doesn't even matter what the law says. If your state has a hands-free cell phone law, ask yourself how many people you see still holding the wheel with one hand while they talk. And that's only because the other hand is holding a sandwich! People still text while driving because they think they know how to do it. That's nuts. They forget there are fifty billion other people on the road who may be thinking the same thing and who also a.s.sume the laws of the land, not to mention the laws of Nature, don't apply to them either.

WTF?!.

Even out of the car, cell phones are still a nuisance. But if you are a rude cell phone user, do you even know it? No, there you are, out in public with us folks just trying to go about our day, and you don't think to turn the thing off. OK, maybe you forget. Or maybe you don't care. But it goes off, and, instead of getting up getting up and stepping out of the restaurant, or just turning it off, or seeing who it is and saying, "I'll call you back," you sit there and have a conversation, which I don't need to hear! I don't want to hear, really. and stepping out of the restaurant, or just turning it off, or seeing who it is and saying, "I'll call you back," you sit there and have a conversation, which I don't need to hear! I don't want to hear, really.

I don't want to hear it when you're going down the street, I don't want to hear it when you're in the elevator, I don't want to hear it when you're in a restaurant. Keep. That. To. Your. Self.

But you don't. Why? Because, like most people . . . when they get on their cell phones . . . they shout, like suddenly they're deaf and have no concept that they're sitting around other people. It doesn't matter to them. Because they have have to talk on the phone. to talk on the phone.

"NO, THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE NEW DRAPES. WANNA HEAR?" No. As a matter of fact, I don't. But let me ask . . . Since when did my rights get usurped by your need to talk to your decorator? . . . In my face?

And here's the irony. If you challenge these boneheads, they'll turn to you and say, "Hey this is a private conversation, buddy."

"Well, actually, no. I can tell you what you said, I can tell you what you did, and, by the bye, I don't think you should make that move with those window treatments." Even if you are trying not to listen, you don't have a choice.

Oh, and how about this one? Sometimes cell phone rudies treat you to music! Wonderful! What a boon to us music lovers to sit there and listen to someone audition their ring tones, trying to decide which one to use. "Hm, is my girlfriend a Katy Perry or more of a Rihanna? . . . Or maybe the Jaws Jaws theme?" And they don't even know they're doing it. People act like there's an actual Cone of Silence that comes down over them. I'm here to tell you, no Cone, kids. I can actually hear you. I can see what you're doing, I hear everything you're saying. theme?" And they don't even know they're doing it. People act like there's an actual Cone of Silence that comes down over them. I'm here to tell you, no Cone, kids. I can actually hear you. I can see what you're doing, I hear everything you're saying.

So what can you do?

Well . . . you can hope people read this book that you're reading. There's an idea. Give them a copy of the book. And then go buy another one for yourself. Or call the bookstore and order one.

Just don't do it on your cell phone when you're in a restaurant sitting next to me.

Chapter 30.

A Civil Person's Handy List: Places Not to Use a Cell Phone.

Unless you are a doctor, turn the cell phone off or don't use it when you are: In the movies At a play In a restaurant On a train. Move to the vestibule. Driving, unless hands-free. And even then . . . In church At parents' night in your kid's cla.s.sroom In the elevator In a meeting at work During a family dinner At the cash register while someone waits on you In line. Any line. n.o.body wants to hear it. On a hotel or apartment balcony During s.e.x. Unless it's phone s.e.x.

Chapter 31.

Thank You for Not Texting.

I don't have an answering machine. I'm not there? Call me back. I turn my phone off after a certain time for a simple reason. I want that time to myself.

I see so many people with their BlackBerrys, and they can be reached 24/7.

Not for me.

Is it for you? Hm . . . say . . . you're not addicted or anything, are you? Good.

Just to be sure, let me ask you a couple of questions: Do you take your BlackBerry into the bathroom? Do you reach for it first thing when you wake up? Can you put it down? Have you forgotten how to have conversations over dinner without your BlackBerry? Do you reach for it the moment it pings? You do? Huh . . . Have you wondered what is going on in your life that you can't leave that message to sit there without having to respond instantly? Isn't that kinda like . . . an addiction addiction??

Seriously. Do you really want to be reached in the shower? In the bathroom? Every second that you're awake, do you want someone to be able to put their hands on you? Where is your time alone? Do you get any? Most people that have BlackBerrys do not. They don't have alone time. They don't know how to do it anymore. They can't resist the textation.

Try this. Take the time to leave the BlackBerry outside of the bathroom door when you're home. And see what happens.

Put it down. Leave it upstairs. Leave it somewhere and see how you do. See if you can do without being connected twenty-four hours a day-if you're not a doctor.

Just try turning it off for one evening. And then turn it back on the next morning . . . and guess what? You didn't really miss anything . . . except someone's annoyed at you because they wanted you when they wanted you. Well, it's not about them. It's about you. And reclaiming your life by being a person that says, "Here are my work hours . . . This is when I can be reached."

People don't really have an actual vacation now because they have their BlackBerrys with them 24/7. Now, before The Digital Rage, people would go away for two weeks and wouldn't check in at the office. Now some folks say, "Well, I can do both and stay away longer," but, come on, most people can't. You not only don't stay away longer, you can't really call it time off . . . can you? Try this next time you take your kids on vacation-and you should take your kids on vacation. Don't check your BlackBerry every five minutes. Otherwise, you might as well be home.

It's hard. They call it a crackberry for a reason. And guess what? If you are a crackberry addict and want to kick the habit, you have to do it yourself. And a good place to start is by telling people that's what you're doing. Don't worry, you don't have to stand up in front of a room and say, "My name is so-and-so, and I am a crackberry addict," or anything like that . . . although, I bet that's coming. What you do have to do is set boundaries with people. You've got to say to them, "Between these hours, I'm not taking calls except from my kids. Unless it's an emergency, I don't need to be this connected."

I think this is one of those generation things. You know, another place where age clashes with youth. Because when you are of a certain age you can say, "You know what? I'm turning all this off, I've had enough for one day," and you do. But young people live on a twenty-four-hour cycle. They don't know about respites.

Also, people have to realize that when they set an example of spending their lives on call . . . having their BlackBerry out of their pocket, checking it all the time . . . they can't be shocked when they take the family to dinner-and everybody's everybody's got their BlackBerry out! It's the family meal, and every one of them has their heads bowed. And, as much as it looks touching . . . like a Norman Rockwell painting of a family saying grace . . . they aren't. They're all looking under the table, texting!! got their BlackBerry out! It's the family meal, and every one of them has their heads bowed. And, as much as it looks touching . . . like a Norman Rockwell painting of a family saying grace . . . they aren't. They're all looking under the table, texting!!

My grandkids do it all the time. Because they don't know what it's like not to be able to reach somebody for one full hour. Or, maybe, ten minutes.

Once upon a time, we lived in an era where you had to wait wait to get home to get on the phone and tell somebody something. Or you had to have enough change in your pocket. When did 9 to 5 suddenly turn into 24/7? Would you have thought to call someone at the restaurant where they were eating? Or at the dentist? That's the next step. Dentists are going to have to work around patients reclining in the chair holding their BlackBerrys up over their heads, tapping away on their little keyboards. to get home to get on the phone and tell somebody something. Or you had to have enough change in your pocket. When did 9 to 5 suddenly turn into 24/7? Would you have thought to call someone at the restaurant where they were eating? Or at the dentist? That's the next step. Dentists are going to have to work around patients reclining in the chair holding their BlackBerrys up over their heads, tapping away on their little keyboards.

"OMG, I am so s...o...b..ring right now."

Would you have thought to call someone at the . . . casino table? No. When you got back to your room, you saw that you had messages. And you responded when you were ready. But now, how long can you be away from it? Not long, otherwise, it's like, "Where the h.e.l.l were you?"

Personally, I think it could be healthy to let people know it's none of their business. Tell them they don't need to know everything you're doing every second of your life. Say you were sitting in the park. "Why couldn't I reach you?" "Because I didn't pick up my phone! Because I didn't want to be bothered at that moment." "But I needed to talk to you." "OK, what is it? Huh? What did you want to talk to me about?" "I just wanted to know if you were going to this thing." "And you couldn't wait to find that out? No one died, no one got into an accident? You just wanted information-when you you wanted it." wanted it."

We've become a society that wants instant response. So we cannot be thoughtful. We cannot think about what our response is going to be because-ping! People are waiting for us to respond to them immediately.

I think one of the reasons people are freaking out so much these days is because the pressure that they would have had to deal with before they got connected has now quadrupled. They call it "wired" for a reason, you know? Because now, it's like, BUZZ-BUZZ-BUZZ, I'm calling you. Or, PING-PING-PING, I'm BlackBerrying you. OK, so, I've looked at your message, and, know something? To me . . . I don't need to answer you immediately.

But they want an answer immediately.

Because that's what they they need. Now. How do we work it out? I freak myself out by staying on those things. So, yeah, busted . . . true confession time . . . Recently I've been dealing with it too. Every time it buzzes, I'm all, "Who wants me? Who's talking to me?" There's something inherently wrong with that. Because you lose so much of your personal time and freedom that it's scary. need. Now. How do we work it out? I freak myself out by staying on those things. So, yeah, busted . . . true confession time . . . Recently I've been dealing with it too. Every time it buzzes, I'm all, "Who wants me? Who's talking to me?" There's something inherently wrong with that. Because you lose so much of your personal time and freedom that it's scary.

Don't get me wrong, there are great reasons to be connected. If you're in a car and something's gone wrong, you got a flat tire, or you've got to call the police, or whatever. You've got to get hold of your mom . . . that's all great. But this idea that you cannot have a moment's peace without being constantly found is insane to me.

You were just checking your BlackBerry, weren't you?

What the h.e.l.l!

Chapter 32.

Self-Test: Resisting Textation.

How often do you check for incoming texts and emails?

If several times a day, score 0 If hourly, score 1 If every ten minutes, score 5 If you monitor constantly, score 10 Has your spouse or your child ever asked you to put your handheld device aside for once?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 Has anyone ever taken your handheld out of your hands to get your full attention?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 Did you ignore it and pay attention to them?

If yes, score 1 If no, score 2 Do you sneak texting in meetings at work or at social events or dinner?

If no, score 0 If yes, score 5 Have you ever gone one night without emails or texts?

If yes, score 0 If no, score 5 If you are alone reading a good book and you hear your incoming email or text sound across the room, what do you do?

If you finish your chapter and then check, score 0 If you cross immediately to see what it is, score 5 Total score: ______ Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, Page 195.