I even know of some people who won't date someone who they disagree with politically. Kinda dumb, but, hey, that's their choice. But what's the point?

This may surprise you, but I have a lot of friends who are staunch conservatives. Some don't believe in a woman's right to choose. Or in gay marriage. Or in interracial dating. In spite of those things, I still like them as friends. I don't understand or condone their beliefs, but some of those people are really funny or are deep thinkers. And I think sometimes it spices things up to have a little bit of healthy discussion. At least, I used to think so. But I listen to people now and it's, "Believe what I believe, or get out." A tad Taliban-esque, isn't it?

And more and more, it's, "Don't cross this line." But because I carry a spray can, I draw my own lines as I go.

Chapter 18.

A Civil Person's Handy List: How Not to Turn a Discussion into a Fight.

Don't call somebody stupid. Don't call somebody an idiot. Don't point and laugh. Don't repeat what the person just said in a cartoon voice. Don't roll your eyes and say, "Yuh, right," or "Duh." Don't freak when the other person gets pa.s.sionate. Pa.s.sion is not an attack. Don't personalize. Not in what you say. Not in what you hear. It's not about you. Don't make it about them. That is the path to ugly. Do take a full breath after the other person finishes a sentence before you start yours. Even a toddler will say to a parent, "I don't like it when you cover my words." So listen to some kid wisdom and leave s.p.a.ce for the other person.

And smile once or twice. It'll keep things nice and civil. And if it doesn't, then it'll scare the c.r.a.p out of the person you're talking to. Either way, you can't go wrong.

Chapter 19.

Daily Rehab.

All right, so you screwed up. You had this big old argument, and in the heat of it, you said the wrong thing. And now somebody's got hurt feelings. And you did it. Are you going to do something to fix it, or not?

I wish I could help you, but I have never been in this position. My hands are clean.

I'm lying!

If someone comes to you and says, "You know what, you really hurt my feelings when you said, 'Blah-blah-blah . . .' "-you've got to respond to them. It's not hard. But focus. Because it's a huge deal to them. They need to hear you say, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm really sorry. It doesn't change how I feel about the issue we were discussing, but what I said wasn't meant to hurt you." And that's all you can really do.

But again, let me reiterate: If you want to keep this person in your life, you've got to apologize, if that's what you feel (and if you don't feel it . . . at least look sincere).

If people care enough to tell you that you hurt their feelings, and you apologize-and, again, it is a genuine apology-you can move on. The question is, can the other person?

But I always caution, if somebody in your life hurts your feelings, ask yourself this. Is it something that happens a lot? Or often? Or is this just like a random, one time only, "Wow, I didn't know that was happening"? Look at it. See what it is. That should have a lot to do with how you respond to them.

If they're good people and happen to hurt your feelings for the first time, and they apologize, I say accept it. Heal up, laugh it off, and move on. If it happens every couple weeks, you two may need to have a bigger conversation.

And when you do your tallying, look at the numbers. See how often this happens, then ask yourself, is this a conversation I want to bother to have? How much do I want this to change? Or is this person a J-O-B job? Because if somebody's got a foot up your a.s.s, and you're tired of it, it's probably best to let them know.

It's a good bet you can't move on until you do let them know.

And here's a shocker. Some people just don't want to move on. They either refuse your apology or else they say they accept it and then just keep acting like they're still p.i.s.sed off at you. Maybe they still are. Or maybe they're one of those drama junkies who love the conflict more than the peace. You know them. They're the ones who get invited on the hayride and bring a book of matches.

Dealing with these people is painful. To work it out you may have to take yourself to some uncomfortable places emotionally. That's all fine. Chalk it up as part of the daily rehab we all do to keep moving forward in our lives. Whether it's worth it, though, is a question only you can answer.

But as long as you're asking yourself questions, ask this one. When somebody reaches out, what would you regret more, slapping the hand away, or accepting an apology so you can both move on?

Pretend it's you.

Even if the other person is at fault, these bad feelings are toxic in your life too. So you're also doing yourself a favor. Forgiveness works two ways when you put it out there.

But face it-some people just get stuck. Forgiveness isn't what they're all about. They're all about the anger. Their anger is their best friend and what would they ever do without it?

So if you've made a sincere attempt and it's refused, there's nothing you can do about that. At a certain point you've done all you can, and it's time for you to be moving on.

At least one of you should have a shot at being happy.

Chapter 20.

TSA Does Not Mean "Time to Smart a.s.s"

Flying is a ch.o.r.e. It is not glamorous. It's a day lost to aggravation and discomfort. And that's the good part. So what makes no sense to me is this: Why, oh why do people make it harder from the start by treating the airport security folks like c.r.a.p? Look, we all get frustrated at having to stand in a long line. But we have to, so we do it. And what's our reward at the end of the ordeal? We get to take off half our clothes. Hoorah! But somebody tell me what it accomplishes to act out against the security agents.

Zip.

Don't these folks know that the TSA people are not there to mess with us? They're not there to make life difficult. The TSA people are there to make sure that we are all flying safe. So the annoyances . . . like you have to take your shoes off, or "I've got to go through your bag," or they've got to pat you down or swab the palms of your hands . . . that's them doing their jobs. So what good does it do to be nasty to the TSA person?

Let me see . . . I believe "zip" still applies.

I say, shock them. Don't be nasty, be cooperative. If you can, make them laugh. Because they are standing all day long with an endless parade of people who don't want to do what they have to do. And people who won't say, "You know, I think I'll take a Trailways bus instead." So if you have to go by air, you've got to do the drill at the airport.

Be ready for it. Have clean feet. Change your socks. Wash your feet. They may have to pat you down, so please make sure you're wearing deodorant! How's your breath? Check yourself before you go through the line. You've got enough time. Plane's probably late anyway. So just take your time and get organized. And don't take your frustration out by smart-a.s.sing the TSA people.

You know, they just don't need extra lip. They're getting nasty folks all day long. In their face. Sucking their teeth. Rolling their eyes . . . People who come with sixteen pounds of jewelry on. Why, G.o.d? Why do they do that when they know that you can't go through a metal detector wearing Tiffany's? So-one would think-that before they even got to the airport, they'd take the bling off and put it in a carry-on bag. Doesn't that make sense?

Yes. Yes, it does make sense.

And so does this: Don't pack your bag with things that you're not supposed to have. Because then everything has to stop stop. And why? So they can go through your bag go through your bag and tell you what you should already know. So why set yourself up, and all the people waiting in that long, sad line behind you, for frustration? and tell you what you should already know. So why set yourself up, and all the people waiting in that long, sad line behind you, for frustration?

It's so simple. If you're going to fly, prepare. Otherwise, get a private plane or Greyhound bus. But keep in mind, if you get on the bus, you've got to contend with that smelly toilet in the back. And, see, n.o.body cares if you roll your eyes on the bus, because they're all doing the same thing.

Remember, though, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and how much faster will it go if you do not you do not put obstacles in your own way? put obstacles in your own way?

This is not Fantasyland. The rules are not going to change because you want them to. Or because you see yourself as an exception.

Sometimes somebody slips in line in front of you. Is it worth getting arrested over it? Is it really worth adding to the frustration of being on line by getting into a ha.s.sle with the bonehead next to you? Just because they're a bonehead doesn't mean you have to be.

Also, try and show up on time. If they tell you to arrive an hour and a half before, chances are you're going to be a lot calmer if you do. Now. There's all kinds of stuff that prevents that . . . things that slow you down. Number one, you've got traffic. That's understandable. But people, check your route. Have you got a radio? Have you heard of Traffic and Weather Together?

Some people don't want to leave their house two hours early-tough! If you don't want to be ha.s.sled, then give yourself enough time to get where you're going so you don't freak yourself out. What's the point of getting agitated?

Here's a simple math fact. Ready? If you left fifteen minutes late, you're going to be fifteen minutes fifteen minutes later later sitting in traffic. And it is not the other drivers' fault that you are in traffic and late. And driving fast isn't going to help. So make the decision. Leave two hours early. It's not the most fun, we all know that. But be early and sit at the frickin' airport. Bring a book, or a PSP, or a puzzle. At least once you are there, it's one less ha.s.sle to think about and you can relax and enjoy your trip. sitting in traffic. And it is not the other drivers' fault that you are in traffic and late. And driving fast isn't going to help. So make the decision. Leave two hours early. It's not the most fun, we all know that. But be early and sit at the frickin' airport. Bring a book, or a PSP, or a puzzle. At least once you are there, it's one less ha.s.sle to think about and you can relax and enjoy your trip.

But start it right. When you see that TSA agent, commit an act of kindness. Sometimes it's just a smile. And a "Thank you!" Because their job is tough. They are your first line of defense. So give them a break!

And let's all lighten up.

And while I'm on the subject of flying, remember . . . The airlines are not your friend. And they make great commercials that say they are.

It's a lie!

Smiley faces, friendly flight attendants patting your shoulder . . . pa.s.sengers grinning 'n' gliding down the aisle to a clean 'n' comfy seat . . . food . . . That's just the pitch. They're just not your buddy. Airlines are there to make as much money as they can make, which is why you're not only still paying for checked bags on most of them, your pals are charging you even more than when they started. One airline wants to start charging for your carry-on bag too.

So the upshot of these friendly skies is what? Well, everybody's solution to the checked-bag fee is to carry on as much as humanly possible into that limited s.p.a.ce aboard the plane.

You're only allowed to carry on two bags. One small suitcase that has to fit the bin and a shoulder bag or briefcase. So, if you're going on a trip, and if you don't have the dough to just pay to check all your bags, then you have to pack smarter.

What does packing smarter mean? It means that you're only taking what you need. Not what you think you're going to need, but what you really need. And if you don't want to spend the money to check luggage, please don't aggravate everybody else by being one of those Einsteins trying to sneak on extra bags. The truth of the matter is, if you do what they ask you to do and not try to be slick, there's s.p.a.ce for everybody. Look around the boarding gate. Everybody else wants to be slick too . . . They also want to bring fifty-five bags on, but guess what? They can't. So please do what they're asking you to do.

Don't be a hog.

Now, if you're smart, and you don't want to spend that money, find out what it costs for UPS. I like to use FedEx or UPS to send bags ahead to my destination because I do not want to have all that with me on the plane. And I need larger bottles than are allowed by TSA for carry-on. So package them up and find out what it costs. The post office has great overnight and two-day service . . . and the chances of losing it are the same as the chances of losing it at the airport. So why not just go ahead and pack it up and call the destination that you're going to, whether it's a house or a hotel, and say you're sending it ahead? More and more people are doing this now, and the hotels pretty much have it all down.

It's also amazing what you can get away without. If you're going to Cancun, how much clothing do you actually need? Or if you're just going to go strolling, you bring your strolling clothes. But you don't need a fifty-pound suitcase to do that. If you're not going to the opera, chances are you can leave the tuxedo and the gown back home. Even if you do plan on dining out in nice restaurants a few nights, chances are, very few people in the population of the city you are visiting will remember what you had on the night before. So pack one outfit and get multiple uses out of it. Pack only for where you're going and for what you'll be doing. Everything else gets a stay-cation.

If you're going to a place that's really cold, like Colorado or New England in the dead of winter, chances are you should probably get one of those s.p.a.ce Bags, where you use the vacuum cleaner to suck the air out and shrink everything down. They work. They are really good products to have. If you've got a lot of clothing, pack it up, suck the air out, and put it in a suitcase. They work brilliantly on big woolly coats-they vacuum pack it. Think of it as an investment in your future!

Now, your stuff may be a little wrinkled, but that's what they make irons for. And every hotel has an iron and housekeeping! Call 'em. If you have a giant parka, you hang it up in the bathroom and turn on the shower so that it just moistens the air up, and poof! It's back, wrinkle-free.

I'm waiting for the day I can be vacuum-packed and mailed to my vacation destination. It's not exactly "Beam me up, Scotty," but it would mean no waiting in lines. The only bad part would be that my good friends at the airlines would be deprived of the fee for my carry-on. Know what? I can live with that.

Chapter 21.

A Civil Person's Handy List: How Not to Slow Down a TSA Screening.

Don't wear a ton of metal jewelry.

Who are you trying to impress on the plane? Don't bring liquids. Know what you can't bring through.

Go to www.tsa.gov. Be clean.

These people have to deal with you in close quarters. Arrive early so you are not ha.s.sled going in. Don't shove or cut in line. If someone cuts the line on you, let it go. Ha.s.sle no one. Even if you are right. Pack so you don't have to dig for your computer. Have your ID ready. And the boarding pa.s.s.

This is not new stuff. No jokes. No kidding. Take off your earphones. Be present. Get off the cell phone. Try and smile at the TSA folks. And say thank you.

Chapter 22.

Just Plane Good Manners.

Is it me, or does annoying behavior seem worse when it happens on an airplane? Yeah, it does feel more annoying there. Because as uncomfortable, crowded, and emotionally draining situations go, flying . . . sitting all crammed together there in a pressurized tube for hours and hours . . . flying is right there on top of the list. If ever there was one place that good manners are appreciated and bad manners are noticed, it's on an airplane. Well . . . and maybe a submarine.

Crazy me. I thought we all had an obligation when we get on a plane to make sure that we don't create an uncomfortable situation for anyone else. How? Simple. Either because we drank too much . . . or don't want to comply with the rules of turning off the phone . . . or switching off the computer. Or just by being too loud and obnoxious. People have got to cut that out.

There are other people on that plane. And just like you don't want to be annoyed . . . they don't want to be annoyed either. So if everybody does what they're asked, chances are, it will be a really cool flight.

How easy is that?

People could start by lightening up on the flight attendants. You have to figure that crew has been dealing with other people before we got on their plane. Who knows? They might have just worked a red-eye cross-country with the drunk-on-their-b.u.t.ts cast from Jersey Sh.o.r.e Jersey Sh.o.r.e. So, if they're not the cheeriest people you've seen all day, keep in mind you don't know what you're getting the wrath of. But again-a smile and a "How you doin' " can work wonders. Now, if they're just total crabs, you are allowed to say, "Come on, now, this is tough enough. So, hi, how are you?" That's OK to say. But you don't want to give the flight attendant too much c.r.a.p. You don't want a big ha.s.sle.

Folks need to check their drinking on the plane. They just do. Six miles up in a jet is not someplace to get silly or drown sorrows. You're sitting in close proximity to other people so, come on, check that alcohol intake. Now, some people have to have a little sumpin'-sumpin' just to chill them out so they can fly. That's cool. But if you know know that you can't do more than two drinks, that you can't do more than two drinks, don't don't have more than two. Don't do it. This is transportation, not have more than two. Don't do it. This is transportation, not Mardi Gras Mardi Gras!

People who drink too much should be very aware that not only is it not cool for the flight attendants, but it's not cool for the rest of the people on the plane. On the ground, drunks make everyone tense. In the air . . . they freak everyone out. n.o.body knows what the h.e.l.l a drunk's going to do. And most drunks, you can't reason with them. There is no logical discussion with someone who has altered their state. So if you want to get hammered, keep in mind that your behavior on that plane may not bode well for you when you land. Because, here you thought you were going on vacation, and instead, you're going to jail. Why? Because you knew that you shouldn't have had that fourth drink. And you knew knew!

These days, you can't fool around. You just can't. So why, with everybody paranoid about terrorists and nut jobs . . . why would you want to make other people on the plane nervous that you're going to do something unpredictable? And if you're an alcoholic, here's what I want to say to you. You need to subst.i.tute some hard thinking for the hard drinking.

Hey, they should maybe put that on a c.o.c.ktail napkin.

It is scary, though. And if you're traveling with someone who you know is a belligerent drunk, let somebody else know. Get up. Talk to the flight attendant. If you don't want the drinker to know that's what you're doing, walk to the back bathroom where they can't see you doing it. Grab a flight attendant and say, "Listen, this person drinks a lot. And if you give them more than this, they can be a ha.s.sle." Alert people so you can get some help-so, A, you're not handling this all by yourself, and B, you're taking into consideration other people on the plane. And if you can do that, most flights would be all right.

Even better when the pilots pa.s.s the Breathalyzer.

Oh. Delicate subject, but we're among friends, right? If you've been a little sickly, or your stomach has been acting up, follow the rules of "If I Was Walking in after Me . . ." So, if it's possible, in your handbag or in your back pocket, bring a little freshener thing that can ease the scent in the can. Take your little Magic Tree and hang it up in there. Do something nice. That's not a bad thing.

And after you use the head, clean up, please. Don't leave water and soap suds all over. Again, other people are sharing the s.p.a.ce. You know when you've made a mess. Don't leave it for somebody else. You'd be mad as h.e.l.l if you came into that bathroom and it was a wreck. So, you know, show a little thought for the people who are on the plane with you. Wash your face, sure. But if you make a mess around the sink, clean it up. It takes no time.

Also, if you happen to see that the toilet paper has like four sheets left, let the flight attendant know. Because n.o.body wants to walk in there and sit down and look over and see there's no toilet paper. There's no reason for it. Also, keep in mind everyone knows it's you-there are only three bathrooms, and these days we now watch anyone who gets up, so pretend you're going to be the next one in.

Pretend it's you.

All this stuff is fresh on my mind because I started flying again last year. My fear of flying came from seeing two planes collide. That, you know, cannot happen again. Not unless someone is trying to ram you with their airplane. There are stopgaps put into place that will keep that from being an issue again. High five for technology!

I took the step to get over my fear after I got whorish and accepted a job in London and they were sending a private plane for me. Gulp. But know what? Because I talked about my fear of flying, the people at Virgin said, "Wait a minute, we have a program that might help."