We've all seen this, right? A little kid . . . maybe even your kid . . . one who is possibly the most adorable young man on the planet . . . is at his birthday party. He zooms right past the greeting card without even reading it and starts ripping into that gift wrap and ribbon like a grizzly clawing at a picnic cooler. Ribbon's flying, paper's shredding . . . Stand back, everybody! He gets the box open, sees the present, and, as you wait, poised to capture his delight on camera for posterity, the charming little youngster looks up and says, "This isn't the one I wanted."

But, you know, that's kids. Especially if they're very young. They're not polite, and we all know that. But here's the problem. How many times recently have you seen the same thing play out-the ripping at the paper, the tearing open of the gift, and the comment of disappointment-but it's not a kid, it's a grown-up?

And you think to yourself-WTF!??

Here's my feeling about gifts. I like them. Even the worst ones. Because your worst gift might be my favorite gift. No matter what it is, it shows that you care.

If you open a gift from somebody-and they're sitting right there-watch your face. Don't sit there frowning. So it's a toilet paper cozy. All right. But, hey, not just any toilet paper cozy . . . One that someone spent hours knitting. And in this moment-this split second of discovery-all sorts of things are just banging around in your mind. First is, "Now what the h.e.l.l am I going to do with a toilet paper cozy?!" And then, "My TP doesn't get cold enough to wear a dainty little sweater. And even if it did, I sure don't want my friends coming over, using my bathroom, and thinking that I am the sort of person who needs, desires, or covets a toilet paper cozy!!" Yep. All those thoughts, and more, go racing around your head-but-and this is essential-but . . . under no circ.u.mstances let them come flying out of your mouth. And do not-do not-let them show on your face. No, no. This is your moment to shine. This is your chance to win that Oscar or that Tony Award for Best Performance by a Disappointed Recipient. Here's what you do.

Smile. Show some teeth. Say, "Thank you, it's . . . swell!"

If it's the cell phone you wanted but not the right model, do not say, "Oh. I was hoping for the one with more gigs." Nuh-uh. Where are those teeth? There they are. Smile. Say something like "Wow," or make an agreeable sound.

You can do it!

Now. If you are fortunate enough to have some money, and someone who doesn't got you a ten-dollar coupon for a latte, don't make that person who stretched her budget to include you in her giving feel like c.r.a.p for caring. Try saying how much you'd love a latte right now. You don't need to overact or anything. We all know it's not a new set of tires for your Porsche. Just accept it with thanks and a smile.

Pretend it's you doing the giving. Do you want to hear right that second that the person has one already? Or that it's the wrong color? Or they don't have room to put it anywhere? Or that they suddenly decided they don't like to collect Belgian beer steins anymore and didn't alert the Western Hemisphere?

What they say is true. You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. That's when you have to suck it up. And, yeah, it really is the thought that counts. And to people who think of you, even if they have no taste, it's still a big deal.

Gifts are a tricky thing. Both people are looking for reaction. If you're the one opening the package, it's a chance for someone who cared enough about you to give it to receive a gift in return. Appreciation.

Be gracious. Like I say, pretend it's you.

Chapter 15.

Toenail Clipping and Common Scents.

I fought with myself on this. I've been going round and round asking myself, "Do I really need to say this?" Sadly . . . yes, I do. Because I-not to mention the rest of us who have seen you do this "activity"-have been sufficiently grossed out. So, I will say this.

Listening?

Please, do not cut your toenails on the train. Or on the bus. Or at the table you are hogging at Starbucks. It's not your bathroom.

Do that at home!

And if you find that it takes you too long in the morning to do it there-get up earlier. But I don't want to have to sit and look at you doing that. And I am not alone. Oh, and clipping your toenails? That goes with brushing your hair-I don't want to see that in public either.

It's not OK to force your bathroom habits outside of your house. You don't have that right.

It's unsanitary. And, let's face it. It's NASTY.

Except for the privacy of your home, here is a list of places where it is uncool uncool to clip your nails. Ready? to clip your nails. Ready?

Everywhere.

You should have done it before you left the house. They call it personal hygiene for a reason. Because your hygiene is your issue. But once you take it outside, you make it someone else's issue. Just because it's a public place, you simply can't do whatever you want. I'm here to tell you, no, no, you can't.

That's why you can't walk around with your pants down down and your pookie showing. The public does not need-or want-to see it. and your pookie showing. The public does not need-or want-to see it.

While you're cinching up your belt, think about this. Many states have laws against handheld electronics in cars, right? 'Cause it's dangerous. So why would it be any safer for folks to line their lips, put mascara on their lashes, clip their nose hair, or do any of the other things that we won't talk about . . . while they're behind the wheel at fifty miles per hour?

A lot of this is laziness. It's lazy people saying, "Oh, you know, I'll do it in the car." I say, No! No! No! No! No! Don't do it in the car. Do it at home. Take the time Take the time, get up a little earlier a little earlier, and leave the house-done. So that when you get in the car, you're driving you're driving.

Which is what you're supposed to be doing.

Since we are on the subject, I don't want to smell you either. Good smell, bad smell, I don't want to spend the rest of my day trying to get your odor out of my hair and off my clothes. Perfume, BO, smelly feet, scented hand cream, eau de cologne eau de cologne, eau de toilet eau de toilet, none of it.

One of the reasons I wanted to write this book is because we are all getting crowded closer and closer together and we need to figure out how to make life pleasant for each other in spite of close proximity.

So as long as we're all crowded so close, let's deal with our smells . . . please??

We all try to be fresh for the day, which is fine. But G.o.d, how many times have you been stuck in a carpool with somebody day after day and they're wearing enough cologne to make your eyes bleed!!

And don't drop an air biscuit in the elevator. Need I say more?

I think not.

Oh . . . And remember the windows in your car are made of gla.s.s. Stop picking your nose!

Let's face it. Hygiene is so so important. If you know you haven't showered for a week or two-Yow!-your stink is pretty much going to be traveling with you. So maybe you might not want to get into a closed elevator. Unless you're an a.s.shole. Because important. If you know you haven't showered for a week or two-Yow!-your stink is pretty much going to be traveling with you. So maybe you might not want to get into a closed elevator. Unless you're an a.s.shole. Because a.s.sholes a.s.sholes will be stinky and get in the elevator with you. will be stinky and get in the elevator with you.

But at least that elevator ride will be over eventually. Here's what's tough. What's tough is when you have to work all day around someone with bad hygiene. But, truth be told, you don't have to.

What's that, Whoopi, I don't?

No, you don't. If you work with someone who is chronically stinky, you can fix it. And the way to fix it is to tell them. They may not know. Why not sit them down and say, "You have an unusual smell. And I'm curious about it. Because I'm not sure if I can handle it or not." As opposed to being uncomfortable . . . on the brink of gagging every time the person comes around . . . and so what do you do? You stay away from them and they think you don't like them. And once you begin talking-and, dare I say, clear the air-in the long run, it becomes one less thing making your day bad.

I know, I know, some people feel uncomfortable about this. It's a tough line to cross 'cause it's so personal. But listen, it's only personal if they're home. If you're sharing a s.p.a.ce with them every day at work, it is no longer a personal matter. You can ask that question. You don't need to do it in front of everybody. And, yes, maybe maybe it will make them uncomfortable, but, you know what? Maybe it will actually help them. it will make them uncomfortable, but, you know what? Maybe it will actually help them.

The real question is to you.

If it's really a problem for you, ask yourself, how much do you want to change it? Can you live live with it? Do you with it? Do you want to want to, or have to have to? And if they're a nice . . . albeit fragrant person . . . and somebody you'd like to be friends with, you're going to have to work this out. You're going to have to say something. Very gently and not in a bad way. Try something like, "Listen, this is really hard for me to ask you. But I have to because I really would like to have a better relationship or a friendship or spend some more time with you. But I have this question for you."

It's the only way. Or live with it Or live with it.

Now. If this person is your boss, unless the job market looks good and you have an updated resume . . . or perhaps, you hold a very promising lottery ticket . . . you may want to get real good at holding your breath. Your call.

It comes back to how bad do you want this to change? That's really the only question you have to ask yourself. If it's not worth it, don't do it. If it's worth it to you, and you can do it without being mean, I say go for it.

Chapter 16.

Where Is the Respect?

You should hear it inside my head. It's like a press conference in there . . . Question about this. Question about that. Question about why I asked myself that last question. But I think, for me, the biggest question in the world these days is, why don't people think before they act? I just dealt with this recently. The newspaper printed where I live. And it really really p.i.s.sed me off. p.i.s.sed me off.

Why would they do it?

It's nutty. That's my home. Now, I'm sure those newspaper folks all have families. What if I just up and printed where their family lives? Where their kids go to school? Where they hide the key when they go away on vacation?

So, note to newspaper editor: How pathetic is it that my private information is the best news you can come up with?

What possesses somebody to print someone else's private information? When did an address become newsworthy? I haven't shot anybody, haven't killed anybody, I'm just on TV. I make movies. I make pizza. Does that make me less of a person on the planet?

NO!.

(Thank you all for that response.) Something like this could happen to anybody. It could be happening to you right now. Do you really believe you have to be famous to win the invasion-of-privacy lottery? Think again. Office gossip about subjects that used to be personal or intimate gets around in all sorts of ways now. Used to be they were just whispers around the water cooler. Or from toilet stall to toilet stall. Now they can end up with somebody putting it out there on their Facebook page or Twitter or in their emails.

Where the h.e.l.l is the respect for one another?

And no, I'm not living a double standard. I know perfectly well that every day I am sitting amongst folks on a TV show that often can be intrusive of people's privacy. And yes . . . it drives me crazy.

It's a dilemma for me, and I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I have strong points of view on the subject of privacy, and on the other hand, there I am, talking to Jon and Kate . . . or whoever . . . sometimes about intimate aspects of their lives. So here's how I've decided to handle it. If there's something I want to ask, I'll ask it, but if I don't, I won't. Most times I don't. Because I don't want to know.

But I'm on a TV show that tells me that a lot of people do want to know. And often, people tell you everything anyway. It's mind-boggling. I'm good if you want to tell me what you're wearing. Or that you have two kids. Or you raise ducks. But sometimes, they just want to tell you stuff that's not your business. Maybe because they tweet or they're on Faces.p.a.ce, or whatever, and they're used to it.

And while I'm on the subject, some of them do reality shows where we see them drunk, or we see them with their seventy-eight kids, or we see them hanging out in their daily life. Oo, yippee!! That used to be a rarity, except for a doc.u.mentary called An American Family An American Family, with the Loud family, which PBS ran back in the 1970s as one of the first reality shows. That was a huge deal. People just didn't share everything back then.

Now everyone does it. Because everyone thinks that they're fascinating. People used to say, "My life is a soap opera." Now everyone thinks their life would make a great reality show. It's now a life goal to aspire to be the next Jersey Sh.o.r.e Jersey Sh.o.r.e dudebag or Reality Chick. dudebag or Reality Chick.

It seems like we are boundary-free. Folks blog now about what they ate for lunch. They're tweeting every time they stop for a latte, cross the street, or see a wad of gum stuck to a park bench that looks like Papa Smurf. People are walking around with camera crews! "That's my camera crew." ". . . What?! Your what? Why do you need a camera crew?"

Why are we so obsessed with pushing our lives out there to be lived in front of a camera? It's extraordinary.

If that's you, what is missing in your life that you need to fill that hole? So is the next step that's coming for all sorts of folks you don't even want to know prying into all your business? Business that you will suddenly decide is off limits. Like your address. Your diary. Who you're sleeping with. Or that you wore dirty sweats to the McDonald's and ate large fries, and with that belly on you.

Oops, silly me, it's too late. That genie's out of the bottle.

Chapter 17.

You Respect My Opinion, I'll Respect Yours.

It used to be all right to disagree. It made life interesting. Now it draws blood. "End of discussion" can mean the end of a nice lunch. Or a friendship.

It's crazy. Can we turn that around? . . . Maybe.

A good starting place is cutting each other some slack. I hear people say, "Why do you always have to have an opinion?" Or "Why does that person always have to have something to say?" Well, maybe it's because they do have something to say. We have a choice, you know. We don't have to listen. We can leave the room.

We don't have to agree with it or like it, but it's their right to express themselves. Now, there are some things that are not OK to say. Like when you slander people? Not a good thing.

It's pretty simple. You want respect? You've got to give respect.

Respect my opinion, and I'll respect yours. If I want to offer you my opinion, you have two choices: You can listen, or not. And you can make that decision just like that.

Now. If you don't want to hurt my feelings by walking away, you can say, "You know what? I really don't want to talk about this. I'm not really interested in a deep airing of this subject." Or, screw it. You can walk away and let me deal with whatever the consequences are of expressing my opinion. And you know what? . . . If you let me deal with those consequences, I might start to realize that not everybody wants to hear it. So I might actually come to the conclusion myself.

We all have people in our lives who come from opposite sides of issues from us. When we get with these people, who we otherwise dearly love, some of them can't resist starting in . . . pushing all our b.u.t.tons. It bugs us, but if we love them, we tolerate it. And, hopefully, move on in the conversation-the sooner the better.

Most of the time people just want a chance to speak. They want someone to know that they are thinking about this or that. Sometimes they don't get a lot of opportunity to talk about things in depth with folks. So they wait until they get around people they feel that they can get in deep with and say what's on their mind. And sometimes, it's just 'cause they want to hear themselves talk. Or they are desperate for contact. Even if what they're saying p.i.s.ses me off. It's respect again. And because I know my patience is going to be tested when I see them, I do a self-talk beforehand so I can remind myself to be cool and maintain the respect. Doesn't always work, but I do try.

But the tone of things is definitely changing. You've seen it, I'm sure. Where it used to be, I disagree with you on this or that issue, now it's, "You're an a.s.shole." Or "You're un-American."

And when things get heated up like that, bad things can happen. If you don't think so, let me remind you of a certain health care argument on a California sidewalk that grew into a street fight and someone got his finger bitten off. Now, I have been involved in some highly pa.s.sionate discussions, but I can a.s.sure you that I have not once chomped off a finger . . . Wasn't even tempted.

When things get overheated and personal, n.o.body gets heard. Just hurt.

I think we can keep things civil. As one might say, "You could act that."

What happens when people get into attack mode is, instead of talking with each other, they talk at each other. There is a big difference. It's about give and take. Talking at somebody is different from talking with them because when you're talking with them, you actually have to listen have to listen to what they're saying. Then you respond. Or not. There's a back and forth that happens when you're talking to what they're saying. Then you respond. Or not. There's a back and forth that happens when you're talking with with somebody. But when you're talking somebody. But when you're talking at at somebody, you don't hear them. You're not listening. It's all about getting out your point. And that may be fine, but it doesn't move you forward. Because people glaze over when you talk at them-especially when you yell at them. somebody, you don't hear them. You're not listening. It's all about getting out your point. And that may be fine, but it doesn't move you forward. Because people glaze over when you talk at them-especially when you yell at them.

Now, to be clear, I'm talking about yelling at somebody. Not discussions that get pa.s.sionate. There's a difference.

Most of the time, if you talk with people, and it stays a conversation-even if it gets pa.s.sionate-you can move forward from it. It can even be fun. It's the difference between sparring and fighting. But the minute you shut down that two-way route, trouble is close by. Because then you are not challenging somebody, you're pretty much telling them they have no right to think, or speak, or feel what they're feeling.

I don't know when this started to change but, oftentimes, people do not listen at all. They hear what they want to hear. Or they only hear that one little thing you say that gives them permission to be angry at you, ignoring the rest.

Ka-boom.

On the other hand, some people are more open. I'm with someone on a constant basis whose mind changes a lot and says, "I've learned a lot of stuff." I'm talking specifically about my friend Elizabeth Ha.s.selbeck. I don't know if she exactly says, "You've changed my mind," because I don't know if you can really change somebody's mind . . . but you can at least have a discussion. And they can look at it differently. And ponder that.

Elizabeth knows that, to me, it's a discussion. We get to talk and we get pa.s.sionate. But it's never personal . . . which is why she will often be able to hear me and, maybe, say, "Oh, I hadn't thought about it from that perspective. Let me think about this and see how I feel about it." And that's why I love her.

Is it just me, or have we grown more cynical? Maybe with good reason, maybe not. But it still does not give us license to run amok over each other. Just because somebody calls you the Ugly American doesn't mean you get to go and be the Ugly American.

There were stories that, even though Ronald Reagan and Tip O'Neill were ideological foes, they still socialized. Those dudes would debate in the day, and at night, they'd hang. It used to be possible to have those head-b.u.t.ting things over issues and still be good friends. Used to be.

Maybe it still is. I got a glimmer of hope when I learned Senators Ted Kennedy and Orrin Hatch were such good pals. Think about it. If we only adapt ourselves to people who think exactly like we do-what's next? You have to look exactly like I do? You have to smell exactly like I do? How do you learn anything? Why wouldn't you want to hear a variety of opinions?

There are some basics we all agree on. Don't kill anybody. Don't yell "fire" in a crowded theater. Don't drop air biscuits in the elevator. There are some basics, yet there are still some problems in the way we relate to each other these days.