"Oh. . . . I don't know. He's probably out in the solarium."

"Your BP seems a little high, hon," Vonette said. "I'm going to come back and check it for you in another half hour or so. Okay?"

"Okay."

She turned to Joy. "All right now, hon. If you don't mind, I have to check his catheter and change his bag. I'm going to draw the curtain for a couple minutes and then you can get right back to your visit. All right?"

"All right," Joy said. She smiled. Backed up another few steps.

Vonette drew the curtain between us.

I had imagined some big showdown when I lowered the boom-lifted the lid off the fact that she'd been cheating on me. But it hadn't been like that at all. I felt so sleepy.

"There now," said Vonette. "You're all set."

When she pulled the curtain back again, Joy was gone.

Ray visited later that afternoon. That evening, too. Neither of us mentioned Joy. We didn't say much at all, really-just sat and watched TV together. I dozed more than anything else. Leo and Angie came on Sunday afternoon, with a homemade poster from the kids. When Angie asked where Joy was, I shrugged. Said something about a cold.

Leo came back later by himself, carrying this three-ton fruit basket-something like a picture out of a magazine. The card said, "Best wishes for a speedy recovery. Fondly, Gene and Thula Constantine."

Fondly? Since when? Leo pulled off the cellophane for me. Ate one piece of fruit after another, practicing his hook shot with the waste- 516 516.

basket and the cores and peels and rinds. "Okay, where is she?" he finally said.

"Who?"

"Joy. Is she really really sick?" sick?"

I shrugged. Yawned. Grabbed the chain bar and shifted my position a little. I told Leo I appreciated his visiting, but did he mind leaving now? I was tired. I wanted to sleep.

I was dozing in and out of 60 Minutes 60 Minutes when something woke me up. A shadow. I opened my eyes. when something woke me up. A shadow. I opened my eyes.

He was just standing there, watching me. The Duchess.

"What do you you want?" I said. want?" I said.

He handed me my Walkman from the house. And a cassette. I didn't get it.

"This is from Joy," he said. "She wants you to listen to it."

"Yeah? Why didn't she she come up and give it to me, then? Where's come up and give it to me, then? Where's she she at?" at?"

"In the car," he said. "She explained everything on the tape. Just listen to it."

He turned and left.

"That was a short visit," Felice said.

"What?"

"Your friend there. He didn't stay long."

"My friend?"

Hi, Dominick. I'm, uh . . . I've been trying all day to write you a letter, but nothing's coming out right. I never was a big one for a letter, but nothing's coming out right. I never was a big one for putting things down on paper, so Thad said, "Why don't you just putting things down on paper, so Thad said, "Why don't you just make him a tape? Tell him what you need to say on a tape." And I make him a tape? Tell him what you need to say on a tape." And I thought, yeah, maybe that's a good idea, because I guess I have a lot thought, yeah, maybe that's a good idea, because I guess I have a lot of explaining to do. . . . I don't know, Dominick. I guess if I wasn't of explaining to do. . . . I don't know, Dominick. I guess if I wasn't so ashamed of myself, I would have told you everything in person. so ashamed of myself, I would have told you everything in person.

I . . . I've been doing a lot of thinking since I saw you yesterday afternoon. I was up all last night thinking about you and me, and afternoon. I was up all last night thinking about you and me, and where I've been in my life, and where I'm going. I have to admit where I've been in my life, and where I'm going. I have to admit that you blew me away when you told me the baby couldn't be that you blew me away when you told me the baby couldn't be yours. I wanted it to be your baby, Dominick. Our baby. I just yours. I wanted it to be your baby, Dominick. Our baby. I just 517 517 517.

wanted it to work out for us. When you used to say to me how you couldn't give me a "happily ever after" life, I used to go to myself, couldn't give me a "happily ever after" life, I used to go to myself, yes he can. He just doesn't know it yet. But I guess I was just fooling myself. As usual. yes he can. He just doesn't know it yet. But I guess I was just fooling myself. As usual.

Ever since I was little, Dominick, I've had this Carol Brady picture of myself as this nice, pretty mom with a nice house and a picture of myself as this nice, pretty mom with a nice house and a husband who loves me, and we have real cute kids. Things in my husband who loves me, and we have real cute kids. Things in my life got unbelievably complicated, but that was really all I ever life got unbelievably complicated, but that was really all I ever wanted. . . . I know I told you some of the stuff about my childhood, but there's way more I never went into. It was hard. All my wanted. . . . I know I told you some of the stuff about my childhood, but there's way more I never went into. It was hard. All my mom's husbands and boyfriends . . . I'd just start getting used to mom's husbands and boyfriends . . . I'd just start getting used to things and then we'd move again. And my mom would always say, things and then we'd move again. And my mom would always say, "Well, this is it. I finally found what I've been looking for," and then the next thing you knew, we'd be moving again. Sometimes then the next thing you knew, we'd be moving again. Sometimes we moved so quick, I couldn't even hand in my schoolbooks. Last we moved so quick, I couldn't even hand in my schoolbooks. Last night I counted all the different schools I went to by the time I night I counted all the different schools I went to by the time I graduated from high school. I came up with nine. I never counted graduated from high school. I came up with nine. I never counted them before last night. Nine schools by the time I was seventeen. them before last night. Nine schools by the time I was seventeen.

The worst times were when she was between guys. Sometimes we didn't even have any food in the house and I'd be like, "Mom, we didn't even have any food in the house and I'd be like, "Mom, you have to get a job so we can eat something," and she'd always you have to get a job so we can eat something," and she'd always go, "Don't worry. Something will turn up. I'll meet someone." We go, "Don't worry. Something will turn up. I'll meet someone." We had this trick where we used to rip off grocery stores when there had this trick where we used to rip off grocery stores when there was nothing in the house. . . . We'd go in and get a cart and fill it was nothing in the house. . . . We'd go in and get a cart and fill it up like we were doing a big shopping and then we'd just eat stuff up like we were doing a big shopping and then we'd just eat stuff out of the cart-bananas, crackers, American cheese. Then we'd out of the cart-bananas, crackers, American cheese. Then we'd pretend we forgot something in Aisle 2 or whatever and just walk pretend we forgot something in Aisle 2 or whatever and just walk out of the store and my mom would go, "Don't look back! Just keep out of the store and my mom would go, "Don't look back! Just keep walking!" Sometimes I'd still be hungry and she'd be rushing me walking!" Sometimes I'd still be hungry and she'd be rushing me out of there. out of there.

When she was between guys, she used to have to get all dressed up and go out at night. She wasn't a hooker or anything. Don't get up and go out at night. She wasn't a hooker or anything. Don't get me wrong. She just used to have to go out to bars and clubs and let me wrong. She just used to have to go out to bars and clubs and let men know she existed. . . . I used to think she looked so beautiful men know she existed. . . . I used to think she looked so beautiful when she went out. I'd always help her get ready, help her fix her when she went out. I'd always help her get ready, help her fix her hair and zip her up in the back. It was like playing dress-up with hair and zip her up in the back. It was like playing dress-up with your dolls or something, except it was your own mother. I didn't your dolls or something, except it was your own mother. I didn't think it was weird or anything, but that time after I got arrested? think it was weird or anything, but that time after I got arrested?

518 518.

And I was going to Dr. Grork? He said it was abnormal.

Unhealthy. I guess I just didn't think that much about it at the time. Analyze it or whatever. It was just our life. . . . time. Analyze it or whatever. It was just our life. . . .

I used to hate staying by myself all night when she went out. I don't really blame her. She couldn't help it. How was she supposed don't really blame her. She couldn't help it. How was she supposed to pay some baby-sitter when we couldn't even pay for the food we to pay some baby-sitter when we couldn't even pay for the food we were eating at the grocery store? . . . But I was always a nervous were eating at the grocery store? . . . But I was always a nervous wreck when she was out like that. Thinking some killer or burglar wreck when she was out like that. Thinking some killer or burglar was going to get me. I used to get so nervous that I'd pull out the was going to get me. I used to get so nervous that I'd pull out the hairs on my eyebrows. I did it in school all the time, too. It got to be hairs on my eyebrows. I did it in school all the time, too. It got to be a bad habit. I had this one witch of a fourth-grade teacher who a bad habit. I had this one witch of a fourth-grade teacher who was always yelling at me for making the skin around my eyebrows was always yelling at me for making the skin around my eyebrows bleed. It was like this woman's personal mission in life was to get bleed. It was like this woman's personal mission in life was to get me to keep my hands away from my face. There's this school picture me to keep my hands away from my face. There's this school picture of me that year that I still have. I never showed it to you. It's kind of me that year that I still have. I never showed it to you. It's kind of pathetic. We were living in Tustin then. (It was just before my of pathetic. We were living in Tustin then. (It was just before my mom met her husband Mike.) And, in the picture, you can see these mom met her husband Mike.) And, in the picture, you can see these red scabs where my eyebrows are supposed to be. Whenever I look at red scabs where my eyebrows are supposed to be. Whenever I look at that picture, I get that same feeling in my stomach like I used to get that picture, I get that same feeling in my stomach like I used to get when I'd be by myself all night, or half the night, or whatever. It's when I'd be by myself all night, or half the night, or whatever. It's like I'm that same little girl again and nothing else in my life has like I'm that same little girl again and nothing else in my life has ever happened. It's weird. . . . I'm not telling you all this to make ever happened. It's weird. . . . I'm not telling you all this to make you feel sorry for me, Dominick. I'm just trying to explain why I you feel sorry for me, Dominick. I'm just trying to explain why I wanted so much for us to have a house, and a baby, and maybe wanted so much for us to have a house, and a baby, and maybe even get married at some point. But you have to admit that I even get married at some point. But you have to admit that I never tried to push you into it. . . . never tried to push you into it. . . .

The pregnancy just happened, Dominick. I keep thinking that you think I got pregnant just to trap you into marrying me. I'm you think I got pregnant just to trap you into marrying me. I'm real upset about that because that's not at all what happened. real upset about that because that's not at all what happened.

Honest to God.

I really think having this baby is gonna change me for the better, Dominick. Make me a better person. I hope it does. . . . Ever since you told me yesterday about your baby daughter that died, I since you told me yesterday about your baby daughter that died, I can't stop thinking about her. I am so, so sorry, Dominick. That can't stop thinking about her. I am so, so sorry, Dominick. That must be so heavy duty. And it explains a lot about you that I could must be so heavy duty. And it explains a lot about you that I could never figure out. Why you seem so mad at the world or whatever. I never figure out. Why you seem so mad at the world or whatever. I just wish you had told me about her. I might have been able to help just wish you had told me about her. I might have been able to help you through it. you through it.

519 519.

I keep thinking about your ex-wife, too. I had a good cry over her last night-right in the middle of everything else I was thinking about. Probably because I'm gonna be a mother, too, now. . . . I her last night-right in the middle of everything else I was thinking about. Probably because I'm gonna be a mother, too, now. . . . I never told you this, but I saw her one time. Your ex-wife. I don't never told you this, but I saw her one time. Your ex-wife. I don't even remember her name, but I knew it was her. She was at the even remember her name, but I knew it was her. She was at the mall with Angie. Angie and her are sisters, right? That's how I mall with Angie. Angie and her are sisters, right? That's how I figured it out. They didn't see me, so I just . . . I followed them. I figured it out. They didn't see me, so I just . . . I followed them. I sat down in back of them at the food court and listened to their sat down in back of them at the food court and listened to their conversation. They were talking about their mother-what they conversation. They were talking about their mother-what they should get her for her birthday-and I just sat there going, this is should get her for her birthday-and I just sat there going, this is Dominick's ex-wife. This is the woman he was with before he was Dominick's ex-wife. This is the woman he was with before he was with me. . . . She seemed nice. I remember sitting there wishing with me. . . . She seemed nice. I remember sitting there wishing that she, Angie, and I were three girlfriends out shopping together. that she, Angie, and I were three girlfriends out shopping together.

That probably sounds kind of strange, but I never really had many girlfriends. Other women don't like me very much, I don't even girlfriends. Other women don't like me very much, I don't even really know why. Last month, Patti at work had a baby shower for really know why. Last month, Patti at work had a baby shower for Greta (the nutritionist) and I think every single woman at Greta (the nutritionist) and I think every single woman at Hardbodies got invited except me. If I was going to stay there, Hardbodies got invited except me. If I was going to stay there, which I'm not, I bet no one there would ever give me a shower. I'd which I'm not, I bet no one there would ever give me a shower. I'd be lucky if I got a card that someone bought and passed around and be lucky if I got a card that someone bought and passed around and everyone signed. I guess when you change schools nine times before everyone signed. I guess when you change schools nine times before you're even out of high school, you don't get to develop many friendships. I'm twenty-five years old, Dominick, and I can't even say you're even out of high school, you don't get to develop many friendships. I'm twenty-five years old, Dominick, and I can't even say that I ever had one real girlfriend. Isn't that pitiful? that I ever had one real girlfriend. Isn't that pitiful?

Anyways, your ex-wife seemed so nice. And funny. She was complaining about her mother-not mean or anything. She kind of complaining about her mother-not mean or anything. She kind of reminded me a little of Rhoda from reminded me a little of Rhoda from Mary Tyler Moore. Mary Tyler Moore. Not Not looks, just the way she was talking. . . . I know you never stopped looks, just the way she was talking. . . . I know you never stopped loving her, Dominick. You never said anything, but I could always loving her, Dominick. You never said anything, but I could always tell. It was like you always held something back from me. I know I tell. It was like you always held something back from me. I know I never really measured up, and I know you never thought I was never really measured up, and I know you never thought I was smart enough for you-intelligent enough or whatever. You never smart enough for you-intelligent enough or whatever. You never said anything, but I knew. . . . But anyway, I cried for her last said anything, but I knew. . . . But anyway, I cried for her last night because I was thinking about how she lost her little girl. It night because I was thinking about how she lost her little girl. It makes me kinda scared to think about everything that might go makes me kinda scared to think about everything that might go wrong. But it also explains a lot. I just wish you had told me wrong. But it also explains a lot. I just wish you had told me before. I might have helped you if you let me in a little. At least I before. I might have helped you if you let me in a little. At least I could have tried. could have tried.

520 520.

I guess I've finally gotten to the hardest part of what I have to say, Dominick, and I hope it's not too hard for you to have to listen say, Dominick, and I hope it's not too hard for you to have to listen to this on a tape. . . . It's not easy what I have to tell you. I just to this on a tape. . . . It's not easy what I have to tell you. I just want you to remember one thing. My feelings for you have always want you to remember one thing. My feelings for you have always been real. I may have been dishonest about a lot of things- been real. I may have been dishonest about a lot of things- shoplifting, etcetera-but I'm being totally honest about my feelings. I know it hasn't been good for us for a while now, but I thought at the beginning that we had something pretty special. In thought at the beginning that we had something pretty special. In some ways, you made me happier than any of the other guys I've some ways, you made me happier than any of the other guys I've been in relationships with. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I been in relationships with. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish the baby was yours. Because I really, really care about you. wish the baby was yours. Because I really, really care about you.

The feelings are still there, Dominick. Honest to God.

Thad is the baby's father. It's pretty complicated, but I guess I owe you an explanation, if you're even still listening. . . . owe you an explanation, if you're even still listening. . . .

Dominick, I was never honest with you about Thad and me.

To begin with, he's bisexual, not gay. I guess you've probably figured that out by now. He told Aaron about the baby yesterday, and Aaron kicked him out of their place. Another thing you never knew Aaron kicked him out of their place. Another thing you never knew was that Thad and I didn't meet each other at work, like I told you was that Thad and I didn't meet each other at work, like I told you we did. We've known each other for a long, long time. Do you we did. We've known each other for a long, long time. Do you remember me telling you about my mom's half-brother that came to remember me telling you about my mom's half-brother that came to live with us out in California? And how him and me were fooling live with us out in California? And how him and me were fooling around when everyone else was at work? Well, that was Thad. I around when everyone else was at work? Well, that was Thad. I was only twelve when it all started, and Thad was nineteen. He's was only twelve when it all started, and Thad was nineteen. He's always looked younger than his age. I was just some stupid kid; I always looked younger than his age. I was just some stupid kid; I didn't know what I was doing. Well, I sorta did and sorta didn't. didn't know what I was doing. Well, I sorta did and sorta didn't.

But, like they say, he kind of got in my bloodstream or something.

Maybe because I was so young. . . . I just never could get over him.

He was in the Navy back then-I think I told you-and then he got transferred to Portsmouth. That's where he began "experimenting" with guys. Started going to these bars and stuff. He used to got transferred to Portsmouth. That's where he began "experimenting" with guys. Started going to these bars and stuff. He used to call me up and tell me about it-all these descriptions of what him call me up and tell me about it-all these descriptions of what him and some guy had done together. He'd call right after I got home and some guy had done together. He'd call right after I got home from school, before Mom and Phil got home from work. He'd say, from school, before Mom and Phil got home from work. He'd say, "Do you want me to tell you what we did next?" And I'd go, " Yeah, tell me." Then I'd get off the phone and have dry heaves because I tell me." Then I'd get off the phone and have dry heaves because I was so upset. It got so I couldn't eat or anything. I missed him so was so upset. It got so I couldn't eat or anything. I missed him so much. I used to beg him on the phone to send me stuff-his finger- much. I used to beg him on the phone to send me stuff-his finger- 521 521.

nails and things-and that was all I ever wanted to eat. It was so sick. But that's how it's always been with me and Thad. It's like a sick. But that's how it's always been with me and Thad. It's like a sickness. sickness.

Yours and mine isn't the first relationship this has ruined.

When Denny, my second husband, found out about Thad, he went crazy. Ronnie, my first husband, never even found out. Which was crazy. Ronnie, my first husband, never even found out. Which was good, because Ronnie could get real mean. It's just that . . . Well, do good, because Ronnie could get real mean. It's just that . . . Well, do you remember after I got arrested up at the Hills? And I was seeing you remember after I got arrested up at the Hills? And I was seeing Dr. Grork? He kept telling me I needed to get Thad out of my life Dr. Grork? He kept telling me I needed to get Thad out of my life and tell you about him. Come clean. Dr. Grork said it was a big and tell you about him. Come clean. Dr. Grork said it was a big risk, but that I really had to take it if I ever expected to really get risk, but that I really had to take it if I ever expected to really get some of the things I've always wanted. . . . But I couldn't do it. I some of the things I've always wanted. . . . But I couldn't do it. I tried to, Dominick, but I couldn't. I guess I was afraid it was tried to, Dominick, but I couldn't. I guess I was afraid it was gonna wreck my chance to be Carol Brady. Which is a big joke, I see gonna wreck my chance to be Carol Brady. Which is a big joke, I see now. I know he's not good for me, but I can't let go. Sometimes I now. I know he's not good for me, but I can't let go. Sometimes I hate him. You're a hundred percent better person than he'll ever be, hate him. You're a hundred percent better person than he'll ever be, Dominick. He's very manipulative, very controlling. That's what Dominick. He's very manipulative, very controlling. That's what Dr. Grork kept telling me, and he was right. . . . It's not you, Dr. Grork kept telling me, and he was right. . . . It's not you, Dominick. It's me. Thad and me are like a disease. Dominick. It's me. Thad and me are like a disease.

I'm not proud of what I have to tell you next, Dominick, but I guess I need to tell you. I don't expect you to understand, or to forgive me, because I don't deserve it. I just hope you don't hate me too guess I need to tell you. I don't expect you to understand, or to forgive me, because I don't deserve it. I just hope you don't hate me too much. Maybe someday you can forgive me. Because I really, really much. Maybe someday you can forgive me. Because I really, really broke your trust. . . . broke your trust. . . .

I let him watch us, Dominick. When we made love. It happened twice. I said no for a long time, Dominick, but finally I gave in. . . . He used to beg me. He really got off on it. Thad's had a in. . . . He used to beg me. He really got off on it. Thad's had a crush on you all along. The first time was just . . . I don't know. I crush on you all along. The first time was just . . . I don't know. I just finally said all right. It felt weird. . . . And the second time, he just finally said all right. It felt weird. . . . And the second time, he set it all up, told me what he wanted me to do, which way to turn set it all up, told me what he wanted me to do, which way to turn and everything. He was like a movie director or something. . . . He and everything. He was like a movie director or something. . . . He never taped us or anything-I didn't mean it like that. Both . . . never taped us or anything-I didn't mean it like that. Both . . .

both times it was on a Friday. He'd get there before you came home-Fridays were one of the times when you and I would get home-Fridays were one of the times when you and I would get intimate. Our pattern or whatever. So . . . he hid in my closet with intimate. Our pattern or whatever. So . . . he hid in my closet with the door open a little. He told me that the thought of you catching the door open a little. He told me that the thought of you catching him was part of the excitement. Part of the thrill. him was part of the excitement. Part of the thrill.

I didn't want to do it, Dominick. It made me feel awful. I was 522 522 522.

a nervous wreck with him hiding in there. But he begged me. Got mad when he wanted to do it that second time. He said he was mad when he wanted to do it that second time. He said he was going to leave me. Move away and not tell me where he was going to leave me. Move away and not tell me where he was going. And so I said I'd do it, but that was it. Just that one more going. And so I said I'd do it, but that was it. Just that one more time and no more. . . . I know it was a huge betrayal. I'm so sorry. time and no more. . . . I know it was a huge betrayal. I'm so sorry.

I don't expect you to forgive me, Dominick, but at least now you can say, "Good riddance to bad rubbish. I'm glad I got rid of her. can say, "Good riddance to bad rubbish. I'm glad I got rid of her.

She was sick." Which I know I am.

Tomorrow, I'm giving my notice down at Hardbodies. Thad's already quit. I know you're going to be in the hospital for at least already quit. I know you're going to be in the hospital for at least another week and I'll be out of the condo by then. Out of your another week and I'll be out of the condo by then. Out of your hair-me and this baby. Don't worry. I'm not going to rip you off hair-me and this baby. Don't worry. I'm not going to rip you off or run out with your stereo or anything. I already have enough to or run out with your stereo or anything. I already have enough to feel guilty about. I told Thad he can't even come over to the condo. feel guilty about. I told Thad he can't even come over to the condo.

He's staying at a motel until we leave.

We're . . . we're probably going to drive cross-country. Or else I may drive out there by myself. I'm going to stay with my mom and may drive out there by myself. I'm going to stay with my mom and Herb in Anaheim at that motel they're managing. Mom said I can Herb in Anaheim at that motel they're managing. Mom said I can stay there for free until after the baby's born and then we'll see. It stay there for free until after the baby's born and then we'll see. It depends on what Herb wants. . . . I don't know what's going to depends on what Herb wants. . . . I don't know what's going to happen with Thad and me. I really don't. He's still talking about happen with Thad and me. I really don't. He's still talking about starting up a catering business and having me be his bartender. I starting up a catering business and having me be his bartender. I don't know. Maybe after I'm a mom, I'll have the guts to tell him don't know. Maybe after I'm a mom, I'll have the guts to tell him to leave me alone once and for all. . . . I know he won't make a to leave me alone once and for all. . . . I know he won't make a very good father like you would have. If it's a boy, I know you very good father like you would have. If it's a boy, I know you would have taken him to Little League, and Cub Scouts, and all would have taken him to Little League, and Cub Scouts, and all those things. I can't see Thad ever doing anything like that. He's those things. I can't see Thad ever doing anything like that. He's too selfish for one thing. I really wish so much this baby was yours. too selfish for one thing. I really wish so much this baby was yours.

. . . I'm not looking forward to living with my mother again, but she can probably help take care of the baby after it's born. Especially she can probably help take care of the baby after it's born. Especially if I go back to work, which I guess I'm gonna have to do. No kid of if I go back to work, which I guess I'm gonna have to do. No kid of mine is going to have to go into Safeway and eat groceries in the mine is going to have to go into Safeway and eat groceries in the aisles that we can't even pay for. aisles that we can't even pay for.

I'm not sure, but I might put in an application at Disneyland.

To be a cast member. Maybe that woman is still there who told me I'd make a perfect Cinderella. I still remember her name. Mrs. I'd make a perfect Cinderella. I still remember her name. Mrs.

Means. Maybe by some miracle, she still works there. Still remembers me. Maybe I'll end up waving at little kids in the Festival of 523 523 523.

Lights parade and they'll go, "Look! It's Cinderella!" Thad thinks I should do it. It might be a stepping stone, he says, and he could be should do it. It might be a stepping stone, he says, and he could be my manager. my manager.

Dominick, I know you're going to get better, and that you'll find someone who'll make you happy, because it's what you deserve. I'm someone who'll make you happy, because it's what you deserve. I'm sure you hate me right now, which is totally understandable. I hate sure you hate me right now, which is totally understandable. I hate myself. But no matter what you think of me, I'll always be glad we myself. But no matter what you think of me, I'll always be glad we were together for those almost two years. I was watching this program once? About Paul Newman? And someone on that show said were together for those almost two years. I was watching this program once? About Paul Newman? And someone on that show said how Paul Newman was a "real quality person," and that's what how Paul Newman was a "real quality person," and that's what you are, Dominick. A real quality person. Just remember that we you are, Dominick. A real quality person. Just remember that we had some good times, too. Especially in the beginning. I'm so sorry I had some good times, too. Especially in the beginning. I'm so sorry I betrayed you. And that I had to lay all this on you while you're so betrayed you. And that I had to lay all this on you while you're so sick. But when you told me the baby couldn't be yours, I didn't sick. But when you told me the baby couldn't be yours, I didn't know what else to do. . . . I'm probably the last person you're gonna know what else to do. . . . I'm probably the last person you're gonna want to talk to once you listen to this, but if you want to get ahold want to talk to once you listen to this, but if you want to get ahold of me, I'll be at the condo for a few more days and then, by the end of me, I'll be at the condo for a few more days and then, by the end of next week, I'll be driving out to my mother's, which the number of next week, I'll be driving out to my mother's, which the number is in that Rolodex thing of yours. is in that Rolodex thing of yours.

If . . . if you're worrying about AIDS or HIV because of Thad-his lifestyle or whatever-don't worry. He's very careful Thad-his lifestyle or whatever-don't worry. He's very careful about things. Aaron's a fanatic about not taking any chances. So about things. Aaron's a fanatic about not taking any chances. So that's one less thing you have to worry about. that's one less thing you have to worry about.

Dominick? I'm sorry I always acted so jealous about your brother. If I ever had a brother or sister, I'd want them to be as brother. If I ever had a brother or sister, I'd want them to be as loyal as you are. In my personal opinion, you're fighting a losing loyal as you are. In my personal opinion, you're fighting a losing battle, but that's your business, not mine. Don't forget to take care battle, but that's your business, not mine. Don't forget to take care of yourself instead of everyone else. of yourself instead of everyone else.

I love you, babe. Just don't . . . please don't hate me. Okay?

I didn't didn't hate her. I didn't even hate hate her. I didn't even hate him. him. I just lay there, looking at my ugly purple foot, which should have hurt but didn't. I didn't feel a thing. I just lay there, looking at my ugly purple foot, which should have hurt but didn't. I didn't feel a thing.

"You know what kills me about this show?" Felice said from across the way. "Wherever she goes, someone's always getting knocked off."

I reached up and pulled off the Walkman's earphones. I'd listened to that tape twice, hoping it would make some kind of sense, 524 524.

but it didn't. I wasn't outraged, though. I wasn't hurt. I wasn't anything. "I'm sorry. What'd you say?"

Felice pointed up at the wall-mounted TV . . "Jessica Fletcher there. "Jessica Fletcher there. Murder Murder, She Wrote. She Wrote. She goes shopping; there's a stiff. She goes to visit some friend of hers; there's another one. She goes off on vacation. Boom! When's the last time She goes shopping; there's a stiff. She goes to visit some friend of hers; there's another one. She goes off on vacation. Boom! When's the last time you you went out someplace and ran into a corpse? She's like the Grim Reaper or something." went out someplace and ran into a corpse? She's like the Grim Reaper or something."

I'd wait until I got home, I decided. I'd have to. And I wouldn't leave any mess-something someone would have to clean up afterward. Leo, or Ray, or some poor slob on the rescue squad. . . . Because I wasn't angry like that bastard, Rood. I was just tired-just wanted to stop fighting and give in. Go with it. . . . I could hobble out to the garage, stuff rags in the cracks on the sides of the door.

Gentlemen, start your engines start your engines. That's when I remembered about the truck. I couldn't carbon monoxide myself out of existence. I'd totaled the truck.

Pills, then. They'd send me home with painkillers, right? I could take them all at once with a bottle of . . . what did I have in the house, anyway? I still had that Christmas bottle-that Scotch one of the wholesalers had given me? Booze and pills. That would do it.

Rid the world of Dominick Birdsey, the loser's loser. The bad twin.

"She's like a corpse magnet," Felice said. "I tell you one thing. If you ever see Angela Lansbury coming toward you, start running the other way quick quick."

Was the fact that the Duchess had hidden in her closet and watched us make love any more weird than the fact that my brother had hacked off his hand in the name of peace? Any more strange than the fact that the Wequonnocs were about to ascend-rise from the ashes? Any more fucked up than the fact that America was getting ready to fight another war with gung-ho kids too young to remember anything about Vietnam except Rambo Rambo? . . .

That was the big joke, wasn't it? The answer to the riddle: there was was no one up there in Heaven, making sure the accounts came out right. I'd solved it, hadn't I? Cracked the code? It was all just a joke. no one up there in Heaven, making sure the accounts came out right. I'd solved it, hadn't I? Cracked the code? It was all just a joke.

The god inside my brother's head was just his disease. My mother 525 525.

had knelt every night and prayed to her own steepled hands. Your baby died because of . . . because of no particular reason at all. Your wife left you because you sucked all the oxygen out of the room, so you pretended she was the one in bed with you while you screwed your girlfriend and her boyfriend hid in the closet, watching.

. . . Hell, why couldn't couldn't she go out there and become Cinderella? . . . she go out there and become Cinderella? . . .

Let go of my ankle, Ray. I'm ready to float away. Ready to cut my brother down from that tree and carry him to the Falls and throw him over the side. Jump in headfirst, after him. Because it didn't matter. It was all just a joke. Riddle me this Riddle me this, Batman Batman. What's the point? What's the point?

And the answer was: there was none there was none. Pain pills and Scotch-that was how I'd do it, because there was just no point at all. . . .

"Hey, here here she is," Felice said. she is," Felice said.

Who? Angela Lansbury? Had she come for the corpse already?

But when I looked over at him for clarification, he was staring at the doorway. Beaming.

She was wearing a turquoise suede jacket with fringe, a tan cowboy hat, tan boots. I didn't recognize her for a second or two and then, Jesus Christ, I did.

"Get over here, Annie Oakley," Felice said. "Give your old hound dog a kiss."

Instead, she approached the foot of my my bed. "Long time no see," bed. "Long time no see,"

she said.