But if if He did? Would he? He did? Would he?

If He did? He did?

Yes, if. if.

Yes.

Sheffer returned with her styro-coffee. I handed her the transcript.

"Did you finish?" she asked.

I said I'd stopped at the part where they'd gotten him to say he'd slaughter a librarian for Jesus.

"Could you believe believe that? The way they led him? I was so that? The way they led him? I was so pissed pissed!"

"So what was the final verdict?" I asked. "As if I don't already know."

By a unanimous vote, Sheffer said, the Psychiatric Security Review Board had decided to retain my brother for a period of one year, citing that he had shown himself to be potentially dangerous to himself and others. His case would be reviewed again in October of 1991 and an appropriate decision would be made at that time as to his release or his placement for a second twelve-month period.

"Detain him at Hatch?" I asked.

She nodded. She had requested a follow-up review in six months, rather than twelve, she said. Dr. Hume had reminded her that if Thomas had not been ruled Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity, he could have been convicted in the criminal court of a felony and would 509 509.

have faced a prison sentence of three three years, minimally. If the Board members were erring at all in their decision, Hume told her, they were perhaps erring on the side of leniency. years, minimally. If the Board members were erring at all in their decision, Hume told her, they were perhaps erring on the side of leniency.

"And I told him, 'That's a bunch of bull. If he went to prison, he'd be bounced out in three or four months with a suspended sentence and you know it. Six months, max.' I'm telling you, paisano, paisano, " "

she said, "my Jewish sense of justice and my Sicilian temper were both doing a hard boil by then. It was hopeless. I knew that. But I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. They're going to nail me for it, too. My supervisor's already called me to schedule 'some dialogue'

on Monday about my 'emotional outburst.'"

I asked Sheffer how Thomas had taken the news.

"Like a stoic," she said. "But you know who took it hard? The news about Thomas? Your stepfather."

"He did? Ray?"

She'd called and called him after the hearing, she said-hadn't reached him until the following morning because he'd been at the hospital with me. "He started crying when I told him how the Board had voted," she said. "He had to hang up and call me back. I felt so bad for the guy."

Neither of us said anything for several seconds. Poor Ray, I thought: forty years old and we were still still his twin nuisances. But he'd cried? For Thomas? his twin nuisances. But he'd cried? For Thomas?

"I'm just so sorry, Dominick," Sheffer said. "I can't stop thinking that maybe if I'd just not lost my cool at the beginning of the hearing . . ."

I reminded her that she'd warned me over and over that it was a long shot-that the decision had probably already been made before the Board even met that day.

"Yeah, but maybe if I had just-"

"And maybe if I I hadn't fallen off the goddamned roof. And maybe if he just hadn't gotten schizophrenic in the first place. Don't drive yourself nuts with the ifs." hadn't fallen off the goddamned roof. And maybe if he just hadn't gotten schizophrenic in the first place. Don't drive yourself nuts with the ifs."

I lay there, arms across my chest, my head sunk into the pillow. I didn't have the energy to feel angry or indignant or much of any- 510 510.

thing anymore. I was spent. Broken. I realized, suddenly, how much Sheffer's visit had exhausted me.

"That morning I first met you," she said. "Remember? That first day in my office? I said to myself, 'Whew, this guy's a walking attitude problem. This guy's got chips on both both of his shoulders.' But, I don't know, of his shoulders.' But, I don't know, paisano paisano. I somehow got sucked into your brother's case-began to see how the things that were supposed to keep him safe might end up damaging him instead. It's the first thing they tell you in the school of social work: don't get personally involved. Don't lose your objectivity. But, then, I don't know . . . Well, for whatever it's worth, I guess I just began to see why why you were so pissed. And then you were so pissed. And then my my blood started to boil a little, too." blood started to boil a little, too."

But that was the weird part: I wasn't wasn't pissed anymore. I wasn't anything. pissed anymore. I wasn't anything.

"Do me a favor, will you?" I said.

"Sure. What?"

"Go someplace nice with your daughter today. You and her: go have some fun."

She smiled. Nodded. "Look," she said, "you know know we'll take good care of him, right? Dr. Patel, Dr. Chase, me-the whole staff. And you have your security clearance now. You can visit him. He'll stabilize, Dominick. I we'll take good care of him, right? Dr. Patel, Dr. Chase, me-the whole staff. And you have your security clearance now. You can visit him. He'll stabilize, Dominick. I know know he will." he will."

I smiled. Told her I'd see about getting her the Purple Heart for that bruise. She waved me off. Picked up the present from Dr. Patel and handed it to me. "Here," she said. "Aren't you going to open this?"

I unwrapped the package, lifted off the top of the box. Took the small soapstone statue out of its tissue paper nest-a four-inch version of the one in her office.

"I like her smile," Sheffer said.

"It's not a her," I told her. "It's a he. Shiva. The god of destruction."

She looked at me funny. "Destruction?"

Dr. Patel had enclosed a card. "Dear Dominick, I give you Shiva I give you Shiva the dancing god in hopes that you will soon be on your feet and dancing the dancing god in hopes that you will soon be on your feet and dancing 511 511 511.

past your pain. Do you remember Shiva's message Do you remember Shiva's message? With destruction With destruction comes renovation comes renovation. Be well. Be well. " "

Sheffer was on her way out the door when Joy arrived. I introduced them. Saw Joy take in Sheffer's bib overalls, her smooshed-down hat. It was a little odd-how instantly Sheffer's cocky humor evaporated in Joy's presence. She seemed almost to sink into those overalls of hers.

"Who's the hippie chick?" Joy asked.

"Thomas's social worker."

I filled Joy in on the Board meeting, Thomas's sentence down at Hatch. She looked as pretty as ever, Joy-but pale. Frail, even.

Whipped. When I started telling her about Thomas's interview, she bent and kissed my forehead, my nose, my lips. "I love you, Dominick," she said. And my throat constricted. I could not say it back.

Between the stress she'd been feeling about me and the nausea from the baby, Joy said, she hadn't been able to sleep or eat or do much of anything but hug the toilet all day. I'd made her so paranoid earlier about drinking Slim-Fast that she'd called the doctor's office and talked to the nurse practitioner. He'd told her not to worry about it-that the baby took what it needed first. The fetus was her body's first priority right now, he'd said, and her body knew it. She should just take it easy and try not to worry. The nausea would pass.

Little babies were tougher than she thought.

I flashed on Angela, the way she'd looked that morning-fists clenched, blood-flecked foam at her mouth. . . .

"I still can't quite believe it," Joy said. "Me. A A mother mother."

We talked about what was in store for the next several months-the pregnancy, my injuries, my business. Lying there, speculating about worst-case scenarios, was driving me crazy, I said. And when I dozed off, I had these hallucinations.

"Like what?" she said.

"Never mind. You don't even want to know."

Joy told me she'd packed me a bag of toiletries, and then had 512 512.

rushed out of the house, forgetting everything. She'd visit again that evening, she said. Was there anything else I needed? I described the place in my desk where I kept my insurance policies for the business. My health insurance policy, too. It was all together. Could she bring that stuff? It was driving me nuts, just lying there, thinking my insurance might not cover this.

Sure, she said. She'd bring it. Anything else?

I shook my head. Started to cry again, goddamn it.

Everything was going to be okay, she said. Really Really. I should try not to focus on my leg or on my brother. Why couldn't I just focus on the baby baby-the fact that I was going to be a father father. She touched my hip cautiously, testing it like it was something hot from the oven.

Maybe none of it mattered anymore, I thought. Maybe I could just go with with the exhaustion instead of fighting it. Give in to it. That was how people drowned, wasn't it? They just stopped fighting. Just relaxed and gave themselves over to the water. . . . Maybe that's what Thomas was doing down there at Hatch, too. He'd taken the news stoically, Sheffer said. It was funny, really: ironic. All our lives, the exhaustion instead of fighting it. Give in to it. That was how people drowned, wasn't it? They just stopped fighting. Just relaxed and gave themselves over to the water. . . . Maybe that's what Thomas was doing down there at Hatch, too. He'd taken the news stoically, Sheffer said. It was funny, really: ironic. All our lives, he'd he'd been the crybaby and been the crybaby and I'd I'd been the tough guy. The guy who didn't let his guard down. Cross Dominick Birdsey and he might blow up at you, might come out swinging-but you were never going to see him cry like that pansy-ass brother of his. . . . But ever since I'd fallen off Rood's roof-had come bubbling back up from hell or wherever it was that the morphine had taken me-all's I could been the tough guy. The guy who didn't let his guard down. Cross Dominick Birdsey and he might blow up at you, might come out swinging-but you were never going to see him cry like that pansy-ass brother of his. . . . But ever since I'd fallen off Rood's roof-had come bubbling back up from hell or wherever it was that the morphine had taken me-all's I could do do was cry. Now was cry. Now I I was the crybaby and was the crybaby and Thomas Thomas was the stoic. was the stoic.

Gets locked up in maximum-security hell for a year and takes it with a stiff upper lip. I had to laugh.

"What's so funny?" Joy said.

Instead of answering her, I rubbed at the tears. Blew my nose.

What had Felice said? Believe in fate? Go with the flow? Maybe that that was the big cosmic joke: you could spend your whole life banging your head against the wall and all it boiled down to was fortune-cookie philosophy. was the big cosmic joke: you could spend your whole life banging your head against the wall and all it boiled down to was fortune-cookie philosophy. Go with the flow Go with the flow. Which, come to think of it, was what people did when they drowned. . . .

513 513.

"It's not not going to be okay," I told Joy. going to be okay," I told Joy.

"Yes, it is."

"No, it's not. I'm never going to fix anything. And even if I could, I'm just too tired. I can't do it anymore, Joy. All's I want to do is wave the white flag. Take the damn water into my lungs."

She looked confused. "It's the drugs they're giving you," she said.

"Narcotics are depressants, right? They're bringing you way down."

I saw Rood up there in his attic window. Shook my head. "I think . . . I think when I went off that roof, something else busted up besides my foot and my leg and my ankle. Something that all the surgery and physical therapy in the world aren't going to fix. . . . I'm just tired, Joy. I don't want to keep fighting anymore."

It was the medication, she said again.

"It's not not the medication. It's the medication. It's me me."

Lying around and feeling sorry for themselves never helped anybody, she told me. I should think about the baby. baby.

I hadn't planned on getting into it. I'd planned on shutting my mouth-maybe until after the kid was born, or after I couldn't take it anymore. Or maybe for the rest of my life. I hadn't been sure how how it was going to play out. But I suddenly knew I was just too tired to keep up the game. Knew right then and there that I couldn't do it. it was going to play out. But I suddenly knew I was just too tired to keep up the game. Knew right then and there that I couldn't do it.

"I know the baby's not mine," I said.

She looked more bewildered than surprised. "What do you mean, not yours? Of course it's yours, Dominick. What are you talking about?"

"It can't be. I'm sterile. I got a vasectomy back when I was married."

She blinked. Sat there. "What?"

"I never told you about it. My wife . . . Dessa and I . . . we had a kid. A little girl. Her name was Angela. She died."

"Dominick," Joy said. "Stop it. Why are you doing this?"

"I should should have told you. I have told you. I know know I should have told you, but . . ." I should have told you, but . . ."

I asked her if she remembered that time when we'd discussed kids-way back, right near the beginning. We'd both said we weren't interested. "So I just . . . I told myself that it wasn't even an issue.

514 514.

Convinced myself that I didn't have to get into it because you didn't want babies anyway. That I could just let you keep taking your birth control pills and . . . But I see now that it was the same as lying.

Keeping it from you. You're not the only one who's been dishonest.

We've both been lying to each other. I'm not even mad, really. God, the way I've been treating you the past couple months. . . . I mean, I was was mad. When I first found out about it? I was ready to come out punching." mad. When I first found out about it? I was ready to come out punching."

"It's this medication they're giving you," she said. "It's making you think strange."

"You remember that night you got arrested for stealing? And you were saying how, now that everything was out in the open, that it was a good good thing, not a thing, not a bad bad thing? That things were going to be better than ever between us? And I told you not to get your hopes up. thing? That things were going to be better than ever between us? And I told you not to get your hopes up.

Remember, Joy? I told you I was damaged goods. You remember me telling you that? . . . That's what I was talking about, I guess. The baby. What it did to my wife and me. I don't know, Joy. It damages you. When you have a baby and you get to know her for three weeks and then she . . . just dies. dies. I'm not trying to make excuses. I just . . . I'm not trying to make excuses. I just . . .

That's what I meant when I said I was damaged goods. So I . . . I went and got a vasectomy. I can't have kids, Joy. Whoever the father of your baby is, it's not me."

She just sat there, blinking. Looking at me strange.

"And . . . and I'm not even mad. I'm sad, Joy. I'm just real sad, because . . . because I was never really going to be able to give you a fair shake. You and me, I mean. I see that now. I used used you. I'm damaged goods. But now I'm too tired to . . . I can't fake it anymore, Joy. you. I'm damaged goods. But now I'm too tired to . . . I can't fake it anymore, Joy.

I can't keep playing whatever game it is we've been playing. I can't. I can't. " "

She blinked. Laughed. "Stop it, okay? You're wrecking everything. This is your your baby. Mine and yours. You're going to get better, and we're going to have this baby, and buy a house and . . . Who baby. Mine and yours. You're going to get better, and we're going to have this baby, and buy a house and . . . Who else's else's would it be, Dominick? I don't even know what you're would it be, Dominick? I don't even know what you're talking talking about." about."

We both just sat there, looking at each other.

"Honest!" she said. "Honest to God!"

515 515.

That nurse came back into the room. Vonette. "Let's see about that bag now," she said. She took a look. Took my hand and felt for the pulse. Joy backed away from the bed. She looked shell-shocked.

Scared. I hadn't meant to scare her about Angela. I was sorry about that. But I couldn't keep it up. I was too tired. I just wanted to sleep.

"Where's your buddy?" Vonette asked me. "He didn't go AWOL, did he?"

What? Leo? She nodded toward Steve Felice's empty bed.