That night, we arrived at our next stop: Chichen Itza, the splendid Mayan city .

We had a candlelit dinner outdoors at the hotel near the Mayan pyramids .  

Yin Li pointed to the menu . “I’d like one more order of garlic shrimp . ”

Without even thinking about it, I followed up, “Don’t you hate garlic the most? You don’t even eat garlic bread . I remember the last time you took a bite you were disgusted for three whole days . ”

Yin Li didn’t reply . I felt something off about the momentary pause in conversation, so I looked over, and saw Yin Li with a lowered head . His expression was hard to read, and hard to put into words .

“Yan Xiao, I have never disliked garlic . Quite the opposite; I like it . ”

Following that exchange, we ate the rest of the meal in silence and didn’t broach the topic again . The one who disliked garlic bread wasn’t Yin Li . Clearly, it was a mixup from my memories .

I drank some wine, hoping to calm my emotions . I desperately wanted to lock away the wild, resurfacing memories back into its cage . But it maliciously broke free in ways I was unable to prevent . It even tainted my present memories . It was becoming difficult to differentiate between the past and the present . Common, everyday memories would flood my thoughts and influence my actions in a flash . I thought of Frida’s self-portraits and felt a cold sweat .

I was terrified . I could do nothing to stop the onslaught of memories .

“Yin Li, I thought of Li Jing . ” I swallowed down a bite of black forest cake, finally unable to keep quiet anymore . “Before, Li Jing and I… I only just remembered… there’s more… towards him, I…”

“You turned down his proposal in the past . ” Yin Li put down his fork and knife, and his gaze sharpened .

“No, no, it’s not like that . ” I felt unwell . “I do remember a few bits of our interactions . But those recollections always feel like someone else’s story . Between Li Jing and I, it feels like we’re strangers . Even now I can’t determine whether this all is real or not . ”

Only, I did remember . I knew the true reason why I rejected him . It wasn’t because I didn’t love him, but because I was afraid .

Yin Li’s expression became indiscernible, but his voice was gentle . “When did you start remembering this? What are you scared of?” He was too perceptive and went straight to the heart of the issue .

“At the Frida Kahlo Museum . That clock . I remembered that on the day I rejected Li Jing, I also bought such a clock and stopped it at the time we parted . ”

Today wasn’t my first time hearing of Frida . In my memories, I knew about her from very early on . She refused to live a miserable life . Others saw her as dedicating her life to art, but I only saw her as a soul entrapped by art .

Her life lacked joy . Her unrestrained self was only because she was bored with life and turned hedonistic . Her disability closed many opportunities to her . She could only draw . Perhaps she was gifted and loved art . But once she was left with no other option than becoming an artist, she must have felt pained . Perhaps she even came to hate art .

She was like my past self who only had ballet .

The surge of resentment threatened to drown me .

Once upon a time, a mesmerizing form of art had stolen my heart . I vowed to become a figure that shone brightly on the stage . Once, I had worked hard for my mother’s smile and became intoxicated by the admiring gazes of the audience . I lived the most luxurious life . I had no wants or needs and only lived for ballet .

“When I looked at the self-portraits in that museum, I thought of the portraits Li Jing painted of me . There was one painting where I fell, and I suddenly remembered . At that time, I fell on purpose . I purposely misstepped and even in mid-air, I knew I would miss my landing . But I eagerly antic.i.p.ated it . I thought, ‘If I break this leg, would I be able to free myself from a life ruled by ballet? Would I be able to live an ordinary life? Could I eat as much ice cream as I wanted? Could I wear the flowery non-ballet skirts my mother deemed vulgar? Could I hole up on the sofa and watch soap operas? Could I have a normal boyfriend, experience heartbreak and pain, and be loved?’”

As I grew older, the outside world became more marvelous . Yet I was shackled by ballet . I pushed down my desires . In any case, I could not fulfill them . They were my enemy . I could only bind and extinguish them .

“I once wrote a phrase similar to ‘I hope the leaving is joyful and I hope never to return . ’ When Frida wrote that sentence, I always thought she was unhappy and unfulfilled with her life . I thought she was so miserable that she didn’t ever want to live again . ” I bit my lips and continued . “When Yin Xuan drove away, I threw myself in front of her car . That was a moment’s impulse . But the thought of dying had been there long ago . The day of the accident was the anniversary of my mother’s death . She loved ballet but I did not . It was a source of great pain for me . ”

In my hazy memories, I recalled my mother’s face . She looked young for her age yet imposing .

“Don’t stop! You’ve only practiced four hours today! You only started learning at twelve and your foundations are worse than the rest . You have to surpa.s.s them!”

“How could you make a mistake at such a critical point? Madame Taylor will take a pupil from those in this performance . Even if you need to get a nerve block injection, you still have to perform . As a dancer, you have to endure these pains . ”

She always scolded my harshly like that . My mother gave me the best resources . She let me experience the most elegant art, yet she never gave a single thought as to whether I wanted to do it or not . She only thought that it was in my best interests .

Now, I could finally recall her face and her every expression when she spoke to me .

“Don’t you think you’ve grown too close to Li Jing? Let me remind you of how much you’ve put in to come to where you are today . If you give up halfway, run off with a man, and have a child, your ballet career will end here . Giving birth will ruin your body . Love will monopolize your time and halt your steps . In this lifetime, you will only be a third-rate dancer .

“Pregnancy is a disgrace to our art! Madame Taylor and I never gave birth . This might be one of the few commonalities between us . ”

When these memories came back to me, my chest felt stifled . But now that I told Yin Li, it felt like that burden had been lifted .

“It was my mother’s demands . She made me swear upon her life that I would dedicate myself to art . I had to reject Li Jing . But even now, I can recall my embarra.s.sment, hopelessness, and guilt . ”

Yin Li cupped my face . “It’s all in the past . Yan Xiao, you must remember: you must learn how to distinguish your emotions . Your pain and hopelessness might not necessarily come from Li Jing but from yourself . You might have felt that your life was not your own and that you lacked freedom . You walked a path you did not love . That might be why you felt those emotions . ”

I lowered my gaze . “Plus, my mother wasn’t my birth mother . She never married . I was only a child she adopted . ” At this point, I couldn’t steady my emotions . Yin Li held my hand and comforted me .

“When I was 12, she adopted me and brought me back to Paris . She only adopted me for my bone structure and body . My whole existence was for dance . How laughable . She had the heart for dance but not the feet for it . I had the feet for dance but not the heart for it . ”

As if torturing myself, I continued to bring up these memories .

But Yin Li cut me off . “Don’t speak anymore of it . Yan Xiao, don’t force yourself like this . ”　　

But I stubbornly continued . “I’m scared of that blue house . That place contains Frida’s memories . When I see her suffering and her pain, I can feel it too . When I see the path her life took, it’s as if I’m seeing my own . You don’t know what it’s like to have your memories slowly resurface . It’s scary and dangerous . In every self-portrait, I felt her looking at me and pitying me . I felt like some b.l.o.o.d.y, dirty tumor that was stripped bare . ”

“I don’t have love or social interactions or hobbies . Other than ballet, I don’t have any means of supporting myself . Many times, I wanted to escape . But I never understood the outside world . ”

I gave everything I had for ballet . My mother also shackled me . In the end, I gambled everything away, impulsively throwing myself in front of a car to die . Was I too weak or too brave?

Yin Li wiped my tears and said nothing . He led me towards the Chichen Itza pyramid grounds . He held my hand and we walked out the back door to the pyramids . At night, there were few, if any visitors . The pa.s.sing wind seemed to carry the bleakness of time as it wove through each pyramid . It seemed to reflect the state of my heart .

Yin Li brought me to the largest Kukulcan pyramid . In the darkness, the enormous pyramid appeared before my eyes . I strained my neck but couldn’t see the top . Such a majestic Mayan civilization…

He pulled me down to lie on the ground .

“Here, when the Mayan people made their human sacrifices, they would climb to the top of the pyramid,” he said . “They would behead the sacrifice then throw the heads down . They would use a spiked tool to dig out their hearts .

“The ground underneath you is soaked in the blood and time of thousands of years . ”

Yin Li turned to hug me . “I’m not you . I don’t have the right to flippantly ask of you to forget the past like it’s nothing . But you know that I hope you will walk out of its shadow . Life is full of unexpected turns . But compared to the most ancient civilizations, we are small and humble . Civilizations become civilizations for a reason . They have barbaric, b.l.o.o.d.y pasts . But these pasts acc.u.mulate into wisdom . Only by experiencing the darkness can you have our current cultured societies . People are the same . Your pain and your struggles all mold you into who you are today . ”

Yin Li and I lay on the gra.s.s underneath the Mayan pyramids . The dew stained our clothes and lizards scurried by . The sky above us was clear and wove together a whole galaxy of stars .

I breathed deeply, as if wanting to taste the b.l.o.o.d.y yet glorious remnants of a kingdom thousand years past .  

“I feel like I can no longer dance, or at least no longer dance ballet . I’m starting to doubt the meaning of the first half of my life . ” My mind was still a mess . The past and present me were trying to meld together, but the process wasn’t smooth . I felt a schism .

Yin Li helped me lift my hair from under my head . “I imagine that you like to dance . Yesterday, you were very happy when you danced . But ballet is not your everything . You can enjoy both ballet and other dances . You are Alicia, and you are also Yan Xiao . You must not only forgive your past, but also accept it . ”

I squeezed his hand tighter and tried to suppress my memories .

Yin Li looked into my eyes and said, “I will be by your side as you find your past . Perhaps only when you remember it all will your soul be complete . But I hope that you will never remember more of Li Jing . Right now, I can create a lot of ‘trouble’ for Li Jing and keep him busy . But I cannot stop you . I only beg that you don’t return to the past . ”

“Why did you name me Yan Xiao at that time?” I suddenly asked .

Yin Li smiled . “We met before . If you remember, then you’ll know why . ” He then looked up at the sky . “Perhaps even if you didn’t lose your memories, you still wouldn’t remember . I don’t think I could even be called an acquaintance in your past . Just take it as me hoping that you’ll smile more . You’re beautiful when you smile . ”

In the end, Yin Li piggybacked me back to the hotel . I rubbed my face against his s.h.i.+rt that smelled like him . I was secretly frightened . I never fully understood Yin Li, and never knew that he would have such a terrible plan . Even if Yin Xuan wasn’t the one who caused the accident, I could recover my memories at any time and abandon him . He lived how he wanted . He knew that even in my past memories, there were countless variables .

In this relations.h.i.+p, he loved me in this humble manner . Other than feeling admiration or dependence, this was the first time my heart hurt for him .

I also loved him like that .