Three days later, our travels serendipitously brought Yin Li and I to the Frida Kahlo Museum, better known as the Blue House . It was where the acclaimed Mexican artist, Frida Kahlo, had lived during her life . After her death, it became a museum dedicated to her life’s works . The whole exterior of the small building was painted blue . But somehow, perched on a corner of the street in this shabby, slightly-rundown neighborhood, it didn’t seem out of place at all .

Frida was a legendary female artist . As a result of the polio she contracted during childhood and the car accident she suffered in her youth, she was paralyzed and had to undergo over thirty surgeries . I walked the perimeter of the room and looked at the self-portraits she had painted at different periods in her life .

In one painting, a woman with thick brows and a piercing gaze sat upon a wheelchair . She bled, crying as if broken . Her body was shattered, the pieces scattered everywhere . In another, she painted herself soaring . In yet another, she wore a cold expression on her face, with a ripped-out heart . But in every single painting, she did not bow to the world, instead boldly facing the viewer outside the portrait straight-on .

I stared at her face . Even the hot Mexican heat couldn’t stop me from s.h.i.+vering .

I instinctively felt fearful . It seemed like she could see through to my inner heart . In a certain way, we were connected to each other through the darkness . We were both women who had been broken and crushed by life, yet came out stronger .

Yin Li looked at the words on the wall above the paintings . It read: “Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?”

After the car accident and her subsequent paralysis, Frida experienced a breakthrough in her art . Likewise, I had also experienced a car accident, but with luck was still able to stand and dance .

A tour group from Europe was in front of Yin Li and I . The tour guide led the group, talking as he walked . “Frida was a woman who fought destiny . She never gave up on being an artist, and she never bowed her head for art . She experienced great pain in her life, and three miscarriages . Her husband had an affair with her sister . She married, divorced, and remarried, and she was entangled in countless messy romantic relations.h.i.+ps . Yet her love for art made her life worth living . More than that, these complex life experiences let her see art in a new light . Because of this, her style changed many times throughout her life . She was never restrained . Her art left her with no regrets, and even when she was close to death, she wrote in her diary, ‘I hope the leaving is joyful; and I hope never to return . ’” 

All the tourists had a look of admiration on their faces . It was as if in their perception, Frida Kahlo’s life was the ideal of what an artist’s life should look like . To them, artists ought to be tried and tested continuously by fate . Reality should be disappointing, but artists needed to grit their teeth and endure it . Artists should entrench themselves in art, create art, and eventually become ones worthy of the pity thrown their way .

“Frida received her guests in this very room, “ the tour guide continued . “She drank here, laughed here, and lived a brilliant youth here . She lived every minute of her life unrestrained . Frida’s beauty was the kind that cannot be defined nor restrained . She is a Mexican icon . ” 　　

As the tour guide continued to weave the legend of Frida, my discomfort worsened . In my chest was a voice that wanted to burst out and scream, “It’s not like that!”

Seeing my pale face, Yin Li grew concerned . He came over to support me . “Yan Xiao, what’s wrong? You nearly missed a step on the stairs just now . ”

But at this point I was already lost in my thoughts . In this room, I could feel the soul of the artist . She gazed at me with compa.s.sion . But she also saw right through me, and in her eyes was a sliver of ridicule .  

This feeling was both terrifying and familiar .

In my mind, I saw a similar scene . A hand opened a diary and wrote: “I hope the leaving is joyful; and I hope never to return . ”

The tour guide was still jabbering on . “This clock’s time is stopped at the moment when Frida divorced with her husband, who was a mural painter . Also…” 

I looked at that clock and visions flashed in my mind . I wanted to scream out of fear .

But in the end, I endured . I turned weakly to Yin Li and smiled .   

“At home, I have a clock that looks similar . ” I broke out into a cold sweat after saying these words . My head felt like it was going to split as a few more memories began to flow back to me .

“Let’s go . I don’t want to stay here . It’s a bit suffocating . ”

Yin Li anxiously rubbed my head and quickly brought me away . As we drove off, I turned back to look one more time at Frida’s blue house . It was such a bright blue, yet it felt so stifling that I couldn’t breathe . We turned a corner and that unusually colorful house finally disappeared from my view . I forced myself to let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding .

For the rest of the day, I felt unwell . Yin Li was worried but smartly asked me nothing . I urged him to hurry back, and we drove into the night . I wanted to quickly drown myself in our travels and all the delicious food . I didn’t want to think again of those unbearable memories that had the power to swallow me whole .