Kezzy was tapping her foot again. "You know the rule, Hannah. After you suck, what do you do? You swallow."

She doubled over, tears plipping out of her eyes, but eventually she just bucked up, gulped it down, and got back to business. "Good girl," Kezzy said, but the two guys from the zoo were doubled over worse than she'd been, they were laughing so hard.

It wasn't more than another thirty seconds before Ollie blew in my mouth again, then another maybe minute and a half to get him off the third time. Down the hutch, I thought and swallowed the last one. Hannah got her second nut too, but then it looked like she sucked another couple more minutes and Number Three still hadn't happened.

"Why, Ann," Kezzy said, "Ollie there seems to be enamored of you."

I looked up at Ollie's horrific fanged monkey face, and it was actually making kissy-face at me, and worse...

His little b.o.n.e.r was up in full force again.

"You're a compa.s.sionate person, Ann. Wouldn't it be nice to give Ollie another b.l.o.w.j.o.b out of the simple goodness of your heart?"

"No, it would f.u.c.kin' not, Miss Kezzy!" I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I had monkey sperm in my stomach, I was thinking about how much I hated her. "I'll tell you what, I'll blow Ollie again, if you blow him first. How's that for a deal? Hmmmmmmmmmmm?"

G.o.d, it felt so good to do that.

"It doesn't work that way, Ann, but I'll give you credit for trying," she said.

Meanwhile, Hannah's head was whipping back and forth on Buddy's chimp-d.i.c.k, and then she started whining.

"Come on," I complained. "Get the f.u.c.kin' monkey off so we can get out of this zoo on wheels."

Another minute and she stopped and looked over. "He's not coming, Ann! I think, I think he's doing it on purpose!"

"Just like a man," Kezzy chuckled.

"Gimme a break, Hannah! Jeez, you're worse than Mercy!"

"Ann, you're the resourceful one," Kezzy said. "And let me remind you that, like male humans, male chimps, too, are possessed of prostate glands."

I just kind of slumped there on my knees. Why me? I wondered.

Hannah broke down. "I can't! I just can't, Ann! I can't stick my finger up a monkey's a.s.s! Please! Do it for me?"

I put my face in my hands and groaned.

"Feeling sporting today, Ann?" Kezzy said. "I am. How about this? We'll flip a coin. You lose, you stick your finger up Buddy's a.s.s. But if you win?" She grinned. "I will."

My eyes darted to her prissy Fifth Avenue face. Seriously, if I had a million bucks, I'd pay it to see Kezzy finger a chimp's a.s.s. But...

"I always lose the toss," I groaned.

"Come on, Ann!" Hannah rooted. "You've lost every coin toss so far. The odds have to be in your favor!"

"Though Hannah is hardly a statistician, she's got a pertinent point," Kezzy said.

I started sweating and wringing my hands. The chimps were "ooo-ooo-ooo"ing, and the zoo guys were still laughing.

I gulped. "Deal."

Kezzy handed me a quarter. Just a regular quarter, not a trick one.

"You call it," I said and flipped it up...

"Tails," Kezzy said.

The coin c.h.i.n.ked on the metal floor and spun around. Seemed like it spun around a whole minute. Then it fell over.

Tails.

Kezzy squealed laughter.

I didn't even bother getting mad. Why? I walked over on my knees, spat on my finger, and stuck it right up Buddy's chimpanzee a.s.shole. All it took was a few more sucks from Hannah, and Buddy came...

Even Kezzy had tears in her eyes from laughing so hard. She pa.s.sed wads of cash to the zoo guys while me and Hannah got dressed. The chimps kept hooting and clacking their chains. They were obviously p.i.s.sed that we were leaving.

"Ann!" Kezzy said with a raised brow. "Your invidiousness is quite alarming."

I gaped at her. "My what?"

"Your lack of fairness."

"Missy Kezzy, I don't know what the f.u.c.k you're talking about."

She pointed to Buddy, who kept "ooo"ing and staring at me. "Chimps are the closest life form to human beings a"they have intuition, self-awareness, the ability to calculate and... They have feelings, Ann."

"So what?" I yelled.

"How would you feel if, for instance, I gave Hannah a New Zealand lobster tail for dinner but not you?"

"I'd be so f.u.c.kin' p.i.s.sed off I'd kick a hole in the f.u.c.kin' wall!"

"Then how do you think Buddy feels?" She tapped her f.u.c.kin' foot. "You just put your finger up Ollie's a.s.s a" it's only fair that you now put your finger up Buddy's a.s.s, hmm?"

I pictured myself strangling Kezzy very slowly with piano wire. "The only thing I'd ever want to put up Buddy's a.s.s is maybe a f.u.c.kin' banana loaded with rat poison. Make the f.u.c.ker croak and go to f.u.c.kin' Monkey h.e.l.l," and then I strode past her. The lead zoo guy rolled the truck door back up, and then me and Hannah came down the ladder.

"Ann? Hannah? Where are your manners?" Kezzy had a scolding look. "Aren't you even going to say goodbye to Buddy and Ollie?"

"f.u.c.k Buddy and Ollie," I grumbled. "Send 'em to f.u.c.kin' Africa where they belong. Maybe they'll get eaten by lions or pythons or something."

And when I got to the bottom step?

I tripped and fell.

Another laugh riot.

"'Bye, girls," said the one zoo guy with a big grin. "Thanks for the entertainment. I'll tell ya, watching two fat girls blow chimps is tough to beat."

"f.u.c.k off," I said, then me and Hannah walked back up to the house, but before we were halfway there, a big commotion broke out in the truck. I heard the chimps going nuts and chains thrashing, and then a"

One of the zoo guys started screaming b.l.o.o.d.y murder.

The other zoo guy jumped down from the truck. He had blood on his face.

"Run!" he yelled at us. "The chimps went nuts when you left, so they broke their chains and killed Wally! Run for your lives!"

Me and Hannah both p.i.s.sed our pants in sheer terror 'cos we knew those chimps were coming for us. They'll f.u.c.k us silly! I thought. Hannah was blubbering. "Go! Go!" I screamed. "Open the door!"

When we finally got to the front door, I dared to look back at the truck. I just knew I'd see Buddy and Ollie apeing their way after us, "ooo-ooo-ooo"ing with their little d.i.c.ks hard, but...

Kezzy and the two zoo guys were doubled over again laughing.

"Only kidding, girls," the one dude said while he wiped the ketchup off his face.

Me and Hannah both started crying.

After puking up the chimp sperm into the toilet, we showered and changed, and I scrubbed my finger with every different kind of soap and disinfectant I could find. Hannah had this crazy look in her eyes, she stalked around the room opening and closing her fists and kicking stuff. "I can't take it! I can't take it anymore! I can't take it!"

"We got the job done, Hannah, so don't go apes.h.i.t."

"Oh, you would say apes.h.i.t!" she yelled.

I wagged my finger at her. "I'm the one with apes.h.i.t on her finger, so quit complaining. You're forgetting the most important part. We're almost done with initiations. Just a few more hazes and we're in."

She sat down on her bunk and calmed down. "Well, yeah. You're right."

I sniffed my finger and howled. Ollie's stink just wasn't coming all the way off. I found a bottle of Clorox under the sink and soaked my finger in it.

Zenas walked right in. This time the maid's suit was baby-blue with yellow fringe, and he wore blue high heels.

"Thanks for knocking," I said.

He sniffed the air. "I'se swear I smell another a.s.shole finger in heer."

"f.u.c.k off."

"Git'cher fat a.s.ses downstairs, both'a yew," he said. "Yer stylists are heer."

Stylists?

Downstairs, two swishy looking dudes in black-silk shirts and white slacks were waiting. "Ladies," the fussy blond one said in a French accent, "I am Jacques, and theese eese Gilles." They sat us down in the living room chairs and had all their hair-styling gear set up.

"What's this all about?" I asked.

"Ooo, just you wait, my pretty plump one," Jacques said. "I make you beau-tee-ful."

The last thing I needed was some French f.a.g calling me his "pretty plump one," but by then I was too tired and shocked to say a thing. An hour later, though a"

"Holy s.h.i.t" we both said then they held mirrors up.

Our hair looked great! My hair's been a rat's nest my whole life: thick, dry, sticking all over the place but, now? I had movie-star hair and so did Hannah. After that, two Asian girls did our nails, then a third French guy took our measurements. When I asked him who he was, he said, "My name eese Claude; I am your wardrobist."

We didn't know what was going on. Why was Kezzy getting us gussied up? When I asked her later, she said, "I'm getting you girls prettified for your induction, Ann."

"But, Miss Kezzy," Hannah asked. "Don't we still have more initiations to pa.s.s?"

"Yes, but only two. You've completed everything so far a" I've complete confidence that you'll both be inducted."

She said it, like, real casually, like it was no big deal, but to me and Hannah it was the biggest deal of our lives. We both walked around in the backyard for the next hour, all giddy and lit up. Then that Claude dude called us in.

This guy made two evening dresses for us. They were black and kind of glittery. Silk nylons, necklaces, cla.s.sy high heels, too. I almost s.h.i.t when I looked in the mirror.

"I've never looked so good in my life!" Hannah was almost crying.

"Me, either. s.h.i.t. For two fat girls, we look d.a.m.n good, but-"

Then we both looked at each other.

Then Kezzy called us down.

"My, what an elegant duo you ladies are," Kezzy said. She was all gussied up, too, and looked a million, no, a trillion times better than we did, but so what? This was the best I'd ever looked.

But the question itched at us.

"Miss Kezzy? It's Thursday night. Induction isn't till Sat.u.r.day. What gives with the makeovers?"

Kezzy smirked. "What gives, Ann, is the necessity for the two of you to look good tonight. For your second to last hazing."

Time seemed to stand still until one of us a"I don't even know whicha"asked, "What...do we have to do?"

"Tonight, girls," Kezzy said, "you'll be going Fathering."

A long pause. "Fathering?" Hannah asked.

"Yes, Hannah."

"Fathering?" I asked, "As in...what?"

"Think about it, Ann."

"We have to blow our fathers?" I half-shouted.

Kezzy nodded. "Precisely."

I laughed out loud. "Well, that's gonna be a trick 'cos my father lives in D.C. and Hannah's lives in Dallas. What? Zenas is gonna drive us there?"

Just then, car doors thunked outside. Kezzy looked out the window. "Ah, here's Zenas now, just back from the airport." She turned, with her hands clasped, then tapped her foot. "With your parents..."