In order to solve this important problem, the good lady trotted off, leaving Lawless and myself _tete-a-tete_.

"I say, Frank," he began, as the door closed after her, "did you put the young woman up to trap at all? I saw you were 'discoursing' her, as Paddy says, while we were at luncheon, eh?"

"No," replied I, "it was agreed that she was not to be let into the scheme, you know."

"By Jove! then all those kind looks she threw at me were really in earnest! I tell you what, I don't half like it, I can a.s.sure you, sir! I shall put my foot in it here too, if I don't mind what I'm at. Suppose, instead of marrying Freddy, she were to take it into her head she would like to be a peeress some day, what would become of me, eh?"

At this moment Mr. Coleman returned, his face beaming with dignity and self-satisfaction. Approaching Lawless, he motioned him to a chair, and then, seating himself exactly opposite, gave one or two deep hems to clear his throat, and then began:--

"I am empowered by my niece, standing as I may say _in loco parentis_--(for though her parents are not positively defunct, still they have so completely delegated to me all control and authority over their daughter, that they may morally be considered dead)--I am empowered, then, by my niece to inform you, in answer to your very flattering proposal of marriage, that although she has not had sufficient opportunity of becoming acquainted with your character and general disposition, to justify her in at once ratifying the contract, she agrees to sanction your visits -437-- here in the character of her suitor." (Lawless's face on receiving this announcement was as good as a play to behold.) "In fact, my dear sir," continued Mr. Coleman, warming with the subject, "as my niece at the same time has signified to me her express desire that I should definitely and finally reject the suit of a highly amiable young man of fortune, who has for some time past paid his addresses to her, I think that we may consider ourselves fully justified in attributing the slightly equivocal nature of her answer to a pardonable girlish modesty and coyness, and that I shall not be premature in offering you my hearty congratulations on the successful issue of your suit--a-hem I--" And so saying, Mr. Coleman rose from his seat, and taking Lawless's unwilling hand in his own, shook it with the greatest _empress.e.m.e.nt_.

"Thank ye, gov--that is, Mr. Coleman--uncle, I suppose I shall soon have to call you," said Lawless, with a wretched attempt at hilarity; "it's very flattering, you know, and of course I feel excessively, eh 1 uncommon, don't you see?--Get me away, can't you?" he added in an angry whisper, turning to me, "I shall go mad, or be ill, or something in a minute."

"I think the tandem has been here some time," interposed I, coming to his a.s.sistance; "the horses will get chilled standing."

"Eh! yes! very true, we must be cutting away; make ourselves scarce, don't you see?" rejoined Lawless, brightening up at the prospect of escape.

"Let me ring for the ladies," said Mr. Coleman, moving towards the bell.

"Eh! not for the world, my dear sir, not for the world," exclaimed Lawless, interposing to prevent him--"Really, my feelings--your feelings, in fact, all our feelings, have been sufficiently excited--steam got up--high pressure, eh?--some other day--pleasure.

Good-morning. Don't come out, pray."

And so saying, he fairly bolted out of the room, an example which I was about to follow, when Mr. Coleman, seizing me by the b.u.t.ton began:--

"I can see, Mr. Fairlegh, that Mr. Lawless is naturally uneasy and annoyed at Mr. Brown's attentions: but he need not be--pray a.s.sure him of this--Mr. Brown is a highly estimable young man, but his family are very much beneath ours in point of rank. I shall write to him this afternoon, and inform him that, on mature deliberation, I find it impossible to allow my niece to contract a matrimonial alliance with any one in trade--that will -438-- set the matter definitely at rest.

Perhaps you will kindly mention this to your friend?"

"I shall be most happy to do so," replied I, "nor have I the slightest doubt that _my friend_ will consider the information perfectly satisfactory." And with many a.s.surances of mutual consideration and esteem we parted.

Oh! the masks and dominoes of the mind! what mountebank ever wore so many disguises as the heart of man? If some potent spirit of evil had suddenly converted Elm Lodge into the palace of Truth, the light of its master's countenance would have grown dark as he read the thoughts that were pa.s.sing in my breast; and instead of bestowing upon me the attentions due to the chosen friend of the wealthy suitor to his portionless niece, he would have done his best to kick me down the steps as an impostor plotting to marry his son to a beggar. When will men learn to value money at its real worth, and find out that warm loving hearts and true affections are priceless gems that wealth cannot purchase!

We drove for some time in silence, which was at length broken by Lawless, who in a tone of the deepest dejection began:--

"The first tolerably deep gravel pit we come to, I must trouble you to get out, if you please".

"Get out at a gravel pit! for goodness' sake, why?" inquired I.

"Because I intend to back the tandem into it, and break my neck," was the unexpected answer.

"Break your neck! nonsense, man. Why, what's the matter now? Hasn't your mad scheme succeeded beyond all expectation?"

"Ah! you may well say that!" was the rejoinder. "Beyond all expectation, indeed! yes, I should think so, rather. If I'd expected anything of the kind, it's thirty miles off I'd have been at the very least by this time--more, if the horses would have done it, which I think they would with steady driving, good luck, and a feed of beans."

"Why, what is it you fancy you've done, then?"

"Fancy I've done, eh? Well, if that isn't enough to make a fellow punch his own father's head with vexation. What have I done, indeed! why I'll tell you what I've done, Mr. Frank Fairlegh, since you are so obtuse as not to have found it out by your own powers of observation. I've won the heart of an innocent and unsuspecting young female,--I've destroyed the dearest hopes of my particular friend,--and I've saddled myself with a -439-- superfluous wife, when my affections are reposing in the cold--ar--what do you call it, tomb, eh? of the future Lady Oaklands--If that isn't a pretty fair morning's work, it's a pity, eh?"

"My dear Lawless," replied I, with difficulty repressing a laugh, "you don't really suppose Lucy Markham means to accept you?"

"Eh! why not? Of course I do, didn't Governor Coleman tell me so? an old reptile!"

"Set your mind at ease," replied I; and I then detailed to him my conversation with Lucy Markham, and convinced him that her partial acceptance of his proposal, which had been made the most of by Mr.

Coleman, was merely done at my suggestion, to ensure the dismissal of Mr. Lowe Brown. As I concluded, he broke forth:--

"Ah! I see, sold again! It's an easy thing to make a fool of me where women are concerned; they're a kind of cattle I never shall understand, if I were to live as long as Saint Methuselah, and take Old Parr's life pills twice a day into the bargain. Anything about a horse, now--"

"Then you'll postpone the gravel-pit performance _ad infinitum_?"

interrupted I.

"Eh? yes! it would be a pity to go and sacrifice the new tandem, if it is not absolutely necessary to one's peace of mind, so I shall think better of it this time," was the rejoinder.

"By the way," resumed Lawless, as we drove through Heathfield Park, "I must not forget that I've got to immolate Shrimp on the altar of my aspersed reputation--call his master a 'scamp,' the amphibious little reprobate? a brat that's neither fish, flesh, nor fowl, nor good red-herring--that spent his pitiful existence in making mud pies in a gutter, till I was kind enough to--"

"Run over him, and break his arm," added I.

"Exactly," continued Lawless, "and a famous thing it was for him too.

Just see the advantages to which it has led; look at the education I have given him; he can ride to hounds better than many grooms twice his age, and bring you a second horse, in a long run, just at the nick of time when you want it, as fresh, with that featherweight on its back, as if it had only just come out of the stable; he can drive any animal that don't pull too strong for him, as well as I can myself; he can brew milk-punch better than a College Don, and drink it like an undergraduate; he can use his fists as handily as--Ben Caunt, or the Master of T----y, and polish off a boy a head taller than himself in ten minutes, so that his nearest -440-- relations would not recognise him; and he won five pounds last year in a Derby sweepstakes, besides taking the long odds with a pork-butcher, and walking into the piggycide to the tune of thirty shillings. No," continued Lawless, who had quite worked himself into a state of excitement, "whatever follies I may have been guilty of, n.o.body can accuse me of having neglected my duty in regard to that brat's education; and now, after all my solicitude, the young viper goes and spreads reports that a 'scamp,' meaning me, is about to marry your sister! I'll flay him alive, and put him in salt afterwards!"

"But, my dear Lawless, out of the host of servants at Heathfield, how do you know it was Shrimp who did it?"

"Oh, there's no mischief going on that he's not at the bottom of; besides, a boy is never the worse for a flogging, for if he has not done anything wrong beforehand, he's sure to make up for it afterwards; so it comes right in the end, you see."

Thus saying, he roused the leader by a scientific application of the thong, dashed round the gravel-sweep, and brought his horses up to the hall-door in a neat and artistlike manner.

CHAPTER LIV -- MR. VERNOR MEETS HIS MATCH

"If thou dost find him tractable to us, Encourage him, and tell him all our reasons.

If he be leaden, icy cold, unwilling, Be thou so too."

--_Richard III_.

"For the intent and purpose of the law, Hath full relation to the penalty, Which here appeareth due."

"Tarry a little, there is something else."

--_Merchant of Venice_.

"Your looks are pale and wild, and do import some misadventure."

--_Romeo and Juliet_.

ANY tender-hearted reader who may feel anxious concerning the fate of the unjustly suspected Shrimp, will be glad to learn that this hopeful candidate for the treadmill (not to mention a more airy and exalted destiny), escaped his promised castigation, for, the moment we alighted, Freddy Coleman dragged us into the library, and Lawless, in the excitement of relating the morning's adventure, entirely forgot his threatened vengeance. Lawless's account of the affair was, as may well be imagined, -441-- rich in the extreme, worth walking barefoot twenty miles to hear, Freddy Coleman declared afterwards; and an equally laborious pilgrimage would have been quite repaid by witnessing the contortions of delight with which the aforesaid Freddy listened to him.

"So you have positively settled the drysalter, and stand pledged to marry my cousin Lucy, if she approve of you on further acquaintance?

What will you give me to hand her over to you?"

"Give you, eh? the soundest thrashing you ever had in your life--one that will find you something to think about for the next fortnight, and no mistake. The idea of putting the young woman's affections up to auction! why, you're worse than your old governor, he only wants to sell her to the highest bidder."

"Well, he's been sold himself this time, pretty handsomely," replied Freddy; "I only hope it will be a lesson to him for the future."