$9 million-plus: Annual pension $86,535: Consulting fees for first 30 days of work each year $17,307: For each additional day $11 million: Resale of Trump Towers luxury apartment $291,869: Unlimited use of corporate jet per month $600: Leased luxury Mercedes-Benz per month Priceless: Unlimited use of company limousine, security-trained chauffeur and bodyguards, country club memberships, full health and life insurance coverage, tickets (season courtside to New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden; season box seats at Yankee Stadium; season grand tier Metropolitan Opera; U.S. Open tennis; Wimbledon tennis; VIP seats at all Olympic events) *

_03:: Big Soldiers in Little China In Chinese culture, death and dying are perceived as just another phase of life. So, it's no wonder that the emperor and other royalty have burial chambers that are designed to mirror their former opulence and prosperity. In fact, some tombs are so elaborate that construction begins really early. In Emperor Ch'in Shih Huang Ti's case, for instance, construction on his site started when he turned just 13 (the same age he was crowned king of Qin). Of course, the site was also filled with plenty of goodies the good king could appreciate in the afterlife: food supplies and utensils, carriages ( just in case he got restless), pets, favorite objects, and more than a few subjects (aka dead servants) just in case something needed to be fetched. In fact, the emperor's large harem also accompanied him to his burial chamber while the majority of his servants and animals were spared and replaced with terra-cotta figures. The practice of human sacrifice eventually disappeared thanks to continued objections by notable philosophers like Confucius, Mozi, and Xunzi. Their arguments not only elaborated on the inhumanity of the sacrifices, but also pointed out that the preparations were extravagant, wasted time, and interfered with the daily labor needed to generate wealth. Pretty wise indeed.

_04:: Good Reason Not to Be a Mourning Person On August 18, 1227, Genghis Khan, the most feared leader of the 13th century, was buried with a simple procession of 2,500 followers and a mounted bodyguard of 400 soldiers. Anyone unfortunate enough to happen upon the procession was immediately put to death by the soldiers. When the procession arrived at a remote mountain location in Mongolia, 40 virgins were killed to provide Khan with the needed pleasures in the afterlife. Then, at the end of the funeral ceremony, the soldiers killed all 2,500 members of the procession. When the 400 soldiers returned to Khan's capital city, they were immediately put to death by another group of soldiers so that no one could reveal where Khan's final resting place was. Since Khan was considered a G.o.d, it was important that no one know his whereabouts and plunder the site. In fact, only recently have archaeologists found a site that they think may be Khan's burial place. So did anyone survive the onslaught? Well, yesa camel. The creature was spared since she could find her way back to the site if Khan's family needed to visit. Family members had to be led blindfoldedif they knew the whereabouts, they also would be put to death.

Take the Money (or the Gold Medal or the Notoriety or the Potato) and Run:

7 Great Sports Scams, Scandals, and Hoaxes

Some say the U.S. national pastime is baseball. Others say it's football. Or basketball. Or jai alai. But you can forget all those, because these seven examples prove that when it comes to sports, mankind's favorite pastime is lying, cheating, pulling pranks, and spreading hoaxes. Play ball!

_01:: A Black Pox on the Black Sox This is pretty much the mac-daddy of all sports scandals. The 1919 Chicago White Sox was one of the greatest baseball teams ever to take the field, including superstar left fielder "Shoeless" Joe Jackson. But two gamblers, "Sleepy Bill" Burns and Billy Maharg, backed up by gangster Arnold Rothstein, changed that by bribing eight players with $100,000 to throw the World Series. The fix was a success, the Sox lost, and n.o.body really suspected a thing until late in the next season, when the eight players were indicted. Commissioner Kennesaw Mountain Landis suspended them all from baseball for life, and they all had it coming. Except one. "Shoeless" Joe did all he could to avoid being involved: he told Sox owner Charles Comiskey about the scam, but was ignored; he asked to be benched for the Series, but was refused; he even batted .375 for the Series and had 12 base hits (a Series record at the time) and the only home run. Due to the scandal, Jackson is still not in the Hall of Fame, though many players have supported his induction.

_02:: Stella "the Fella" Walsh In 1980, a 69-year-old member of the National Track & Field Hall of Fame was shot and killed outside a Cleveland shopping mall. Police immediately ascertained that the victim was Stella Walsh, the greatest female track-and-field athlete of her day. Stella, born Stanislawa Walasiewiczowna in Poland, won a gold medal for Poland at the 1932 Olympics and a silver in 1936, and set 20 world records. But when the police took the body to be autopsied, they found something very unusual on the 69-year-old woman: male genitals?! Further studies showed that she...er, he... had both male and female chromosomes, a condition called mosaicism. When the shocking news got out, it took approximately 2.7 seconds for the great runner to get a new nickname: Stella the Fella.

_03:: Mighty Sports Ill.u.s.trated Fans Strike Out The greatest baseball pitcher of all time was actually a figment of George Plimpton's imagination. His article for the April 1, 1985, issue of Sports Ill.u.s.trated was ent.i.tled "The Curious Case of Sidd Finch." It told the story of an English orphan, raised by an archaeologist, educated at Harvard, and trained by a yogi in Tibet, who showed up at the Mets training camp in Florida. He could throw a fastball at 168 mph (the record at the time was a comparatively sluggish 103) and preferred to pitch with one foot bare and the other in a large hiking boot. As of the magazine's publishing date, Finch hadn't yet decided if he was going to play for the Mets. The response was ma.s.sive. Sports Ill.u.s.trated received over 2,000 letters immediately following the story, many expressing their hopes that Sidd would play. Two weeks later, the magazine fessed up to their hoax. Of course, the clever Plimpton had included a subtle clue in the article's subhead: "He's a pitcher, part yogi and part recluse. Impressively liberated from our opulent lifestyle, Sidd's deciding about yoga...." Confused? Just take the first letter of each word: "happyaprilfoolsday."

_04:: Rosie the (Underhanded) Runner On April 21, 1980, a young woman crossed the finish line to win the 84th Boston Marathon in the record time of 02:31:56. For someone who had just run over 26 miles, Rosie Ruiz looked notably sweatless and un-rubbery in the legs. Race officials checked photos and video from various spots in the race, and Ruiz appeared in none of them. So how did she do it? Here's the prevailing theory: She started the race with the others, then left the course, hopped a subway, then reentered the course about a half mile from the finish line. She was disqualified and stripped of her t.i.tle. So, how'd she fine-tune her con? By cheating in another marathon, of course. Rosie had sneaked her way past New York Marathon officials, and her time qualified her for the Boston race.

_05:: Simonya Popova: aka How the Women's Tennis a.s.sociation Got Served With the advent of computer-generated imagery, the art of the hoax really came into its own. Take the case of Simonya Popova, a female teenage tennis sensation from Uzbekistan who made Anna Kournikova look like Billy Jean King. In the fall of 2002, a Jon Wertheim article in Sports Ill.u.s.trated profiled Popova, proclaiming her the next great phenom on the tennis circuit. It covered five pages and even had a picture. But Popova was a complete fiction; her image was computer generated. Even the name Simonya was chosen as a reference to Sim0ne, a movie about a computer-generated actress who becomes a star. The story was done as a fictional what-if, intended to be a comment on tennis's need for a hot new superstar to give the sport some mojo. But the Women's Tennis a.s.sociation wasn't exactly amused. A spokeswoman for the organization lambasted the magazine, claiming they should've used the five pages to cover real tennis players. And, for the record, they said, "We have tons of mojo."

_06:: The Great Potato Caper The date: August 28, 1987. The scene: Bowman Field in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. The AA Reading Phillies were in town to play the hometown Williamsport Bills, when Bills catcher Dave Bresnahan decided to pull a stunt he'd been thinking about for weeks. With a runner on third, Bresnahan threw the ball over the head of the third baseman and into the outfield. The runner jogged home, thinking he had an easy run. But unbeknownst to him and the 3,500 fans at the game, Bresnahan still had the ball. The object he had thrown was a potato, meticulously peeled and shaped to look like a baseball. Everyone got a chuckle out of the hoax. Everyone, that is, except Williamsport manager Orlando Gomez, who promptly ejected Bresnahan and fined him a whopping $50. Bresnahan had the last laugh, though: Instead of the money, he gave Gomez 50 potatoes.

_07:: A Rose Bowl Is a Rose Bowl Is a Rose Bowl (Except When CalTech's Involved) It seems fitting that what is widely regarded as the greatest college prank of all time was pulled off by the college where pranking is practically a major: CalTech. (Students once changed the well-known "Hollywood" sign to read "CalTech," despite the ma.s.sive security around the joint.) Since the Rose Bowl game is played in CalTech's backyard of Pasadena, the students and their head pranksters, the Fiendish 14, were miffed at the lack of publicity the event generated for their school. So they finally decided to take it out on the game's partic.i.p.ants in 1961 (neither of which happened to be CalTechthe game was between the University of Washington and the University of Minnesota). The students learned of an elaborate halftime spectacle planned by the Washington cheerleaders that involved 2,232 flip cards. One CalTech student, disguised as a high school newspaper reporter, interviewed Washington's head cheerleader to learn their plan. The CalTech students then stole one of the instruction sheets, made 2,232 copies of it, altered each one by hand, then swapped them with the real cards while the cheerleaders were visiting Disneyland. The next day, live on national television, thousands of Huskies fans held up cards to make a picture of a Husky. Instead, viewers saw a Beaver, CalTech's mascot. One of the next card formations read "Seiksuh" (read it backward and you'll get it). And finally, the piece de resistance: The cards read, in giant letters, "CalTech."

Crime Does Pay:

6 Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous

If you sell your soul to the devil, you might as well have something nice and shiny to show for it, right? If these dirty dealers didn't know how to live good, they sure knew how to live well.

_01:: John Palmer (ca. 1947) British bad boy John Palmer suckered over 16,000 people in a phony time-share scheme. Currently ranked Great Britain's wealthiest criminal, having ama.s.sed ill-gotten wealth of over 300 million, the notorious Mr. Palmer owns a fleet of cars and several houses all over England, including a huge estate at Lands-down in Bath. He even has a cool nickname: Goldfinger. Which doesn't mean he has a golden rep. Palmer defended himself in the fraud trial, lost, got eight years in the clink, and has so far been slapped with fines of 5 million. But this wasn't his first criminal activity. In 1983 he took part in the U.K.'s greatest-ever robbery, in which he and a partner stole 26 million in gold bullion from a cargo storage company at Heathrow Airport. He smelted the gold himself and was arrested when police found two gold bars, still warm, under his sofa.

_02:: Pablo Escobar (19491993) Picture every stereotypical South American drug dealer you've ever seen in a movie. They're all based in part on Pablo Emilio Escobar Gaviria, head of the Colombian Medellin cartel. Escobar ran his empire from a lavish pad complete with Arabian horses, a miniature bullfighting ring, a private landing strip, a Huey 50 helicopter, and a private army of bodyguards. Clearly, money wasn't an object for the man. After all, he could afford to pay local authorities $250,000 each to turn a blind eye. Plus, he used his money to build schools and hospitals, and was even elected to the Colombian senate. But eventually the pressure from authorities, including the American DEA, got to be too much and he turned himself in. Of course, incarceration didn't stop him from living the lush life. Escobar used some of his loot to convert his prison into a personal fortress, even remodeling all the bathrooms and strengthening the walls. Once he left, he was a fugitive again, but he wasn't hard to track down. An obsessive misophobe, Escobar left a conspicuous trail of dilapidated hideouts with shiny, expensive new bathrooms. In the end, the cocaine kingpin was killed when the secret police tracked his cell phone to an apartment, stormed the building, and shot him. Many, many times.

_03:: Mother Mandelbaum (18181894) One of New York City's earliest criminal G.o.dfathers was actually a G.o.dmother. Frederika "Mother" Mandelbaum, or "Marm" to her friends, was the top "fence" (buyer and seller of stolen goods) in postCivil War New York. From 1862 to 1882, she's estimated to have processed almost $10 million in stolen stuff. In fact, Mandelbaum made enough money to purchase a three-story building at 79 Clinton Street. Running her business out of a bogus haberdashery on the bottom floor, and living with her family in opulence and comfort on the top two floors, "Mother" often threw lavish dinners and dances for the criminal elite, which included corrupt cops and paid-off politicos. Ma Mandelbaum could afford to eat well, too, and allegedly tipped the scales at over 250 pounds. But like any good criminal, she gave back. Well, kind of. Mandelbaum ran a school on Grand Street where orphans and waifs learned to be professional pickpockets and sneak thieves. She was finally arrested in 1884, but fled to Canada with over a million dollars in cash before the trial. She remained there in comfort and safety until her death in 1894.

Touch of Evil Meyer Lansky was the syndicate crime boss who financed Bugsy Siegel's Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas. While his cohorts died or went to prison, Lansky eventually retired in Florida with a cool $400 million.

_04:: L. Dennis Kozlowski (1946) OK, so he's not a criminal in the cla.s.sic "bang bang, shoot 'em up" kind of way. But this sc.u.mbag still has it coming. The former CEO of Tyco International, along with CFO Mark Swarz, allegedly embezzled an estimated $600 million from his company, its employees, and its stockholders. He borrowed $19 million, interest free, to buy a house, a debt that the company then forgave as a "special bonus." He got an $18 million apartment in Manhattan and charged the company $11 million more for artwork and furnishings, including a $6,000 shower curtain and $2,200 garbage can. He even threw his wife a little 40th birthday soiree on the island of Sardinia that cost the company over two million clams. Special musical guest: Jimmy Buffett. And while a mistrial was initially declared in April of 2004, the best lawyers couldn't keep Kozlowski and his cohorts from changing residences from their very big houses to the Big House.

_05:: Leona Helmsley (1920) The famous New York real estate mogul and cla.s.s-A witch lived the American Dream. Well, except for the whole prison thing. Leona was a divorced sewing factory worker with mouths to feed before she met and married real estate tyc.o.o.n Harry Helmsley (the fact that he was already married mattered little). In 1980, Harry named Leona president of his opulent Helmsley Palace Hotel, which she ruled like a despot. Her tendency to explode at employees for the smallest infraction (like a crooked lampshade) earned her the t.i.tle "Queen of Mean." The tyranny didn't exactly last. In 1988, Leona and Harry were indicted for a smorgasbord of crimes, including tax fraud, mail fraud, and extortion. And after numerous appeals, Leona served 18 months in prison and was forced to pay the government $7 million in back taxes. A healthy dose of irony for the woman who once said, "Only the little people pay taxes." Of course, that doesn't mean things turned out that badly for poor Leona. Said tobe worth over 2.2 billion bucks, the dreaded Ms. H. still owns the lease to the Empire State Building and lives in luxury with her aptly named dog, Trouble.

WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR'S HORRIBLE-TERRIBLE,

NO-GOOD, VERY BAD DAY.

Despite conquering England in 1066, William I spent more time back in Normandy, where greedy neighboring rulers tended to grab his lands if he left. In 1087, William, who had grown fat in his 50s, was on his way to take a "cure" (like going to a fat farm) when he made good on a threat to attack Mantes, taken from him by Philip I of France a decade earlier. The attack went well until the aftermath. As the village burned, a spark spooked Will's horse. It reared and the king lurched into the ornate saddle horn. Ugh! The painful result? It took William five agonizing weeks to die of internal injuries. Worse still, at his death, his attendantsincluding sons Henry and William Rufusrode out quickly to defend their own properties as word got out. Meanwhile, servants robbed the unguarded body, stripped it naked, and dumped it on the floor.

_06:: Al Capone (18991947) He killed people. He bought cops by the pre-cinctful. He bootlegged liquor. He ran Chicago like his own personal kingdom. He was d.a.m.n good at what he did, and he did it with style. Al Capone (aka Scarface) maintained a sw.a.n.k Chicago headquarters in the form of a luxurious five-room suite at the chic Metropole Hotel (rate: $1,500 a day). And when those Chicago winters proved a little too chilly for him, he bought a 14-room Spanish-style estate in Palm Island, Florida, which he spent millions turning into a well-decorated fortress. Capone's total wealth has been estimated at over $100 million (not a penny of which was kept in his vaults, as Geraldo Rivera learned on live TV). Not bad for a guy whose business card said he was a used furniture dealer. Of course, he didn't pay taxes on any of it, which is what eventually sent him up the river.

Friends of the Devil:

3 Figures Who Supposedly Sold Their Souls

If you really can't get a gig, and you're desperate to become a star, there's only one person who can help you out for sure. Of course, it's probably gonna cost you more than the standard 10%.

_01:: Robert Johnson at His Crossroads Considered to be one of the most influential bluesmen of all time, Robert Johnson was also one of the most turbulent. And few musicians have achieved Johnson's mythical status, whether the devil had a hand in it or not. As the story goes, one night Johnson happened upon a large black man while walking near the crossroads of Highways 61 and 49 outside of Clarksdale, Mississippi. The man offered to tune Johnson's guitar, and as the story has it, claimed Johnson's soul in return. Within a year, Johnson was in demand throughout the region. Actually, the story may have started when Johnson sat in on a gig with Sun House and Willie Brown. House and Brown were so impressed with Johnson's playing they thought the only explanation was that he'd sold his soul. Of course, mythic lives require mythic endings. Known for his womanizing, Johnson was fatally poisoned when he sipped some whiskey laced with strychninethe act of a jealous husband. Johnson died in 1938 at the age of 27.

Touch of Evil Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey claims to have been born with a vestigial tail that was surgically removed when he was an adolescent.

_02:: Led Zeppelin and Their Stairway to...?

Did they or didn't they sell their souls to Satan for the rights to the cla.s.sic "Stairway to Heaven" hit? While the debate has continued since the song came out in the early 1970s, it basically can be traced back to the allegation that, if played backward, the song makes numerous references to Satan. Even more d.a.m.ning, tons of people have interpreted the lyrics as being demonic. And Jimmy Page's and Robert Plant's interest in the occult didn't really help matters. In the 1970s, Page proclaimed himself a wizard and actually bought a house in Scotland known as "The Toolhouse," reputed to be a satanic temple. Then, when he played the chords of the rock anthem to Plant, Robert immediately sat down and wrote the lyrics right on the spot. Later, in interviews, Plant stated that he didn't seem to be writing and something else was moving his pencil across the page. Three decades later the debate continues, but the question remains as to who the piper ("the piper's calling you to join him") is. Is it the devil, Jesus, or, maybe, just a plain old piper? Guess the rock world will never know.

_03:: The Darkness Crossover It now appears that the fast rise of the British group The Darkness in the early 2000s may have had supernatural intervention. After struggling for many years playing in obscure pubs, the group's lead singer, Justin Hawkins, allegedly sold out to the devil. In 2002, Hawkins sought the a.s.sistance of Doktor Snake, a well-known British voodoo doctor. And in a scene reminiscent of Robert Johnson's rendezvous with the devil, Snake led Hawkins to a deserted country crossroads one evening at midnight and some unholy pact was consummated. Within the year, The Darkness was one of the hottest bands in the United Kingdom. Having been successful with The Darkness, Doktor Snake (who still hasn't figured out a cure for spelling his name incorrectly) now sells his dark side services over eBay.

I Want to Hold Your Handbag:

3 Evangelists Who Received

Until It Hurt

It's better to give than to receive, right? Well, that is unless you're one of the following fat wallet preachers. In a pay-to-pray world, this group of standouts would definitely make it into the evangelism hall of fameone that no doubt has gilded walls and marble floors.

_01:: The Mail Order OrderThe Reverend Ike A forerunner to the televangelist frenzy of the 1980s, Frederick Eikerenkoetter, known as the Reverend Ike, unabashedly preached capitalism for years. In the 1970s, Ike broadcast weekly sermons on approximately 1,700 television and radio stations across the United States. Famous for saying that the lack of money was the root of all evil, Ike definitely practiced what he preached. In fact, it wasn't uncommon for Ike to tell his listeners that he didn't want to hear the sound of change hitting the collection plate, he wanted the folding stuff. Known for his expensive suits and a fleet of mink-trimmed Rolls-Royces, the Rev clearly didn't live the life of a monk. And while his television career appears to have diminished, old Ike continues his very lucrative mail-order business, which is more like a chain letter scam than anything else. Here's the setup: Normally a letter is sent containing a prayer hankie, a charm, or a curse. Then the recipient is told to send it back to Ike along with a $20 or $30 donation within a day and Ike will bless it or you. Of course, the failure to do so could bring about a whole host of unwanted problems, and no one wants that. Talk about the spirit of capitalism. We're not so sure John Calvin would be proud.

Touch of Evil In 1987, Oral Roberts told viewers he needed $8 million or G.o.d would "call him home." He beat the deadline, thanks to a last-minute $1.3 million donation by dog track owner Jerry Collins, who admitted: "I think he [Roberts] needs psychiatric treatment."

_02:: The Miracle WorkerBenny Hinn A throwback to the tent preachers of the early 1900s, Benny Hinn is a man of miracles, and estimates are that Hinn's organization receives over $100 million a year in donations (a miracle in itself!). Most of these donations, of course, are in response to Hinn's so-called faith healings, and his ch.o.r.eographed services are structured to elicit as much money as possible. In addition to the healings, he's happy to scare a little cash out of wallets as well, often telling his audience that worldwide disasters are going to occur, but only those giving to G.o.d's work will be spared. In 1999, Hinn announced that G.o.d had ordered him to build a $30 million World Healing Center. However, in 2003, Hinn stated that G.o.d still wanted the center built, but told him the time wasn't right. Like the loyal servant he is, Hinn told the Big Man (and all his followers) he'd hold the cash until then. In the meantime, Hinn lives in an $8 million oceanfront home, travels by private jet, and stays in $3,000-a-night hotel suites. Apparently, for Hinn doing the Lord's work always feels good. Really, really good.

The Evil How-to TAKING IT TO THE CLEANERS.

Most people have a vague idea that money laundering is bad, but like the clueless protagonists of Office s.p.a.ce, have no idea what it is or how to do it. The most common method of laundering money is to give illegal income to a legitimate business already taking in large quant.i.ties of cash, so that it can be deposited without arousing suspicion. The term probably arose in the 1930s, when gambling rings opened up launderettes to disguise the influx of small change. Other methods in use are ingenious in their complex maneuvering around international financial reporting regulations. International terrorists, for instance, tend to use legitimate charities to funnel money into arms purchases and other nefarious doings. Of course, because of lax reporting laws and corrupt officials, some countries are better for cleaning one's cash than others. China, the Cayman Islands, the United Arab Emirates, Thailand, and Lebanon are generally among the favorites.

_03:: You Gotta Pay to PrayRobert Tilton In 1991, ABC-TV's Prime Time Live program investigated Robert Tilton's Word of Faith Outreach Center Church. At the time, Tilton's televangelist show appeared on 200 stations and he claimed his church had over 10,000 members. The truth was that his organization was also making $80 million a year through his direct marketing campaigns. The investigation found that prayer requests sent to Tilton were routinely discarded after the cash and checks had been removedclearly not what Jesus would do. The expose led to Tilton's downfall and in 1999 he sold the church and moved to Miami. However, in 1997 Tilton started buying time on independent stations, showing mostly reruns, in order to rebuild his mailing lists. Today, his mailings include financial prayer cloths, posters of Tilton, packets of oil, and other trinkets all for just the cost of a small donation. But sadly, old habits are hard to break: Reports state that employees are simply told to take out the dough and discard the prayer requests. But all in all, something seems to be working for him. Tilton owns a $450,000 yacht and property worth at least $1.5 million in Miami Beach.

Putting the Wind in Our Sales:

3 Shameful Cases of False Advertising

No matter what the adage says, sometimes you just don't get what you paid for. And that's just about the time cla.s.s action lawsuits somehow enter the picture. The following are three egregious cases where a little truth would have helped.

_01:: BodyFlex In 2003, the FTC (Federal Trade Commission) sued BodyFlex, alleging that the company had deceptively advertised that the system caused users to lose 414 inches in the first seven days. The complaint charged that the loss of 414 inches was advertised as occurring without any reduction in calories, and that users burned enough body fat to achieve the claimed fat loss. In fact, the promotion also cited a clinical study that "proved" that the BodyFlex system caused significant fat and inch loss in the first seven days. No one knows how many people actually bought into the hype, but according to the FTC, the BodyFlex commercial was one of the 10 most-aired infomercials in weekly U.S. rankings and aired more than 2,000 times from February through September 2003 on national cable channels. Of course, the company spent almost $20 million to promote the product. In September 2004, BodyFlex conceded, and agreed to set up a $2.6 million consumer refund program. They also agreed to stop making false weight-loss claims, effectively proving that not all liars are big, fat ones.

Touch of Evil While they now do the healthy thing with Flintstone vitamins, when the Stone Age family originally appeared on television, old Fred and Barn were sponsored by (and appeared in commercials for) Winston cigarettes.