MRS. BROWN.--"Oh, Mrs. Smith, _do_ have that sweet baby of yours brought down to show my husband. He's never seen it."

MR. BROWN.--"Oh, pray, don't trouble on _my_ account."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY

GENIAL HOSTESS.--"What, going already, Professor?... And _must_ you take your wife away with you?"

THE PROFESSOR (_with grave politeness_).--"Indeed, madam, _I am sorry to say I MUST_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HAPPY THOUGHT]

[Ill.u.s.tration: FLUNKYANA

(A Visit to the Portrait-Gallery of Brabazon Towers.)

"Pardon me! But you have pa.s.sed over that picture in the corner. An old Dutch master, I think."

"Oh, _that_! 'The Burgermaster' it's called By Rembrank, I b'lieve. It ain't nothing much. Only a work of hart. _Not one of the family, you know!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "OH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER SWEET ALICE, BEN BOLT?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A WINDOW STUDY

THE MAIDEN.--"Good-morning, Mr. Jones! How do you like my hyacinths?"

THE CURATE.--"Well, they prevent me from seeing _you_! I should prefer _Lower_ cinths!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SO _ENGLISH_, YOU KNOW!

The Miss Browns (_of "a good" Bayswater family_) playing "Buffalo Gals,"

with variations, on two American banjoes and an American parlor-grand.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SOCIAL TARRADIDDLES

MRS. GUSHINGTON (_aside to her husband_).--"What a long, tiresome piece of music that was! Who's it by, I wonder?"

MR. GUSHINGTON.--"Beethoven, my love."

MRS. GUSHINGTON (_to hostess_).--"My _dear_ Mrs. Brown, what _heavenly_ music! How in every _bar_ one feels the stamp of the greatest genius the world has ever known!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LOVE'S LABOR LOST

"Oh, papa, we've all quite made up our minds _never to marry_, now we've got this beautiful house and garden!" (_Papa has taken this beautiful house and garden solely with the view of tempting eligible young men to come and play lawn-tennis, etc., etc._)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE MARCH OF PROGRESS

SHE.--"After all, there's nothing better than the wing of a chicken!

_Is_ there, General?"

HE.--"I never tasted the wing of a chicken. I only know the _legs_! When I was _young_, you know, my _parents_ always ate the wings, and _now_, my _children_ always do!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN INFELICITOUS QUESTION

aeSTHETIC YOUTH.--"I hope by degrees to have this room filled with nothing but the most perfectly beautiful things...."

SIMPLE-MINDED GUARDSMAN.--"And what are you going to do with _these_, then?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: I MUST HAVE THIS TOOTH OUT!

"I must have this tooth out, it hurts so!"

"Oh, _please_ don't, or _I_ shall have to wear it, as I do _all_ of your left-off things!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NEMESIS

MRS. CONSTANTIA (_to old adorer, who has married for money_).--"And these are your children, Ronald? Oh!... how like their mother!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TOO LATE

HE.--"What! You haven't got a dance left?"

SHE.--"No. It's past two o'clock! Why didn't you come earlier?"