She whispered, 'What do you want? I'll do what you want.'

She meant s.e.x, I suppose, but that wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted was for her to say something that would make it all right, that would turn time backwards, that would turn her back into the old Jennifer and would give me a way out.

I was gripping both her wrists very tightly.

I said, 'say something.'

'I thought you wanted me to be quiet.'

'Say something quietly. Say my name.'

She struggled in my grip.

'Say: "Please, Mike."'

I don't remember how, but I became aware that she had wet herself. Was there a smell? Did I hear it? I don't know, but she'd made herself disgusting.

And she wouldn't say my name.

'Say it, Jennifer.'

Her face was ugly with sobbing. She couldn't speak. I felt naked and humiliated by what I'd done.

My memory of what happened next is patchy. There are only flashes.

One thing I knew: I couldn't go back, and I couldn't let her go back. There was a piece of loose concrete at the end of the hardstanding, where it met the earth of the field. Holding one of Jennifer's wrists, I bent down and picked it up. Then I swung it down on the back of her head. She cried out and fell to her knees. I hit her harder the second time and I heard her skull crack.

I went on hitting her. I think. I don't remember.

I think I went on hitting her because I had no choice. Then I carried her for as long as I could manage and threw her in a ditch beside the field. I covered her as best I could. I listened to her to make sure she wasn't breathing. She was dead. I lay on top of her with my face in her hair and I cried. I didn't know how she'd died, but I was filled with fury at her, for what she'd made me do. I was furious with her for being dead, for making me do this thing. There was another piece of concrete not far away, on the side of a sort of small ca.n.a.l or watercourse. I smashed it into the back of her head once more to be sure, then I broke her leg with it. I was intensely relieved that it was over. I felt more like myself again.

It was what I'd done with Baynes, except with him I'd planned it better. I'd planned it for weeks, lain in wait by the bridge, and I didn't kill him. Not at first.

The day after I killed Jennifer, I drove back to the place at three in the morning, parked my car in the village and walked down the lane, then the track, to where I'd left her. I had a spade with me that I'd taken from the gardener's hut near Jesus Ditch on Midsummer Common.

I dug for two hours or more, then dragged her body in. It was stiff and ugly and her fine hair was clogged. I didn't consider raping her, or even looking at her body. Then I covered her with earth, then with lumps of concrete that I fetched from the ragged end of the hardstanding, then with an old railway sleeper from the side of the track, then with more earth that I compounded hard. Finally, I roughed it up with the edge of the spade to make it look natural.

I felt relieved. Dawn was beginning to seep into the Fen horizon as I turned and left.

I told this or a version of it, at least to Harvey. It took a very long time, because I had to give him all the Chatfield stuff, all the background, as well.

When I'd finished there was a long silence in the small room. I could hear the rain outside in the prison yard.

Then I said, 'I think there may have been a third person I killed. A German woman called Gudrun Abendroth.'

He nodded.

I said, 'Do you think we could run the diminished responsibility plea?'

He said, 'I think we could.'

I said, 'Will I have to see a lot of shrinks?'

He said, 'Yes, you will.'

I said, 'That's fine.'

Then a warder came in with some tea.

The preparation of the case has taken several weeks. It's been very hot in my cell through the summer, but luckily I've been alone. With all the overcrowding, you'd expect that I'd be doubled up by now, but I think the nature of my case and the publicity around it has made them want to keep me apart.

I was also told by a doctor that it was for my own protection as 'people like me' were not good at 'reading the intentions of others' and could therefore be victimised. I exercise alone and don't join in group work activities.

I'm not on the nonces' wing or anything, it's just that I have very limited contact with the other prisoners just at meals, really, or occasionally in the library. Fine by me.

I have done numerous psychological tests, including the Rorschach ink-blot tests, which were ridiculous. One was a squashed cat, one was a bat in flight, one was a three-legged abominable snowman, but most were not suggestive at all. The psychologist sat behind me taking notes, presumably thinking I was unaware of what she was up to. I think she wanted me to say that various splodges resembled reproductive parts of the anatomy, but they didn't; they looked like ink blots.

I've seen four psychiatrists, including the prison medical officer. Although I gather he'll be for the prosecution, he endeared himself to me by prescribing some blue pills at our first meeting; I was allowed one at midday and one at night by which I really mean nine o'clock, which for some incalculable reason is when they put the murderers to sleep, or anyway turn their lights off.

The shrink I've seen most of is called Julian Exley, who's instructed by the defence. I told him I'd kept a sort of journal, off and on, and he encouraged me to bring it up to date. (Some plods brought the papers from my flat in Bayswater.) It's been a good exercise for me; it's given me something to do. I haven't changed anything in it, I've just tidied it up and smoothed it over a bit. I sometimes work in the library and sometimes in my cell. The early parts are handwritten; between the typed lines of the later sections I write corrections with a ballpoint pen. I'm aware that there are long gaps, but it didn't seem worth padding them out just for the sake of it.

This, of course what you're reading now is it. Or rather, the preceding pages are. As I sat in the library on Monday, looking back, I noticed how much my style had changed how much less crabbed and self-defensive it became, how much more rhetorical and I thought perhaps I ought to try to h.o.m.ogenise it for art's sake; but then I thought maybe Dr Exley could read something into the changes some significant psychological development, or lack of. (Because obviously they all pored over it after it had arrived from London, and photocopied it, before they gave it back to me.) And anyway, who knows or cares about unity or harmony of style these days? I read book reviews where the journalist doesn't even know the distinction between 'tone' and 'style' something even Plank Robinson had more or less mastered by O level. Ah, the treason of the clerks the 1970s schoolteachers who decided, for some perverse political reason, to withhold knowledge from our schoolchildren. The first generation thus deprived are now themselves the teachers, so it's less treasonous for them: they don't have the knowledge to hold back. We were bound to see the results of this anti-teaching before long. Stellings tells me the graduates who apply to Oswald Payne with firsts from Oxford and Cambridge can't spell or write grammatically; they have to send them on a basic six-week course before they can write a literate internal memo.

Anyway, when Dr Exley predictably asked if he could see the latest instalments of my journal/narrative, I said, 'Why don't we do a deal? I'll show you my evidence if you let me see yours.'

'What do you mean?' he said.

'Show me what else you've gathered. Show me my test results, your diagnosis, any character references from other people. All the stuff you're using.'

He stroked his chin, something he did quite a lot, and smiled. 'I can't do that at the moment. In due course, though, I don't see why you shouldn't know what's being said about you. I've always believed in patients having access to their records as far as possible, so far as the law allows. The idea that the men in white coats keep your own secrets from you is very Big Brotherish, I think.'

I should have mentioned that this Exley character is not quite what the phrase 'forensic psychiatrist' suggests which I take to be someone like the old film actor Richard Wattis: severe, horn-rimmed. Exley wears floral ties and a corduroy jacket; he smokes roll-up cigarettes; he looks like a slightly left-wing publisher.

'Are you worried about what other people may have said about you?' he said.

I guessed this was preliminary question one in the Paranoia Profile, so I just shrugged.

In the course of one of our sessions he had to leave the room for about five minutes, and I read some of the papers in his folder. The one on top was this: R v Engleby. Witness Statement. James Stellings, Partner, Litigation Department, Oswald Payne, 75 Finsbury Pavement, London EC4 7JB.

Is this thing working? Testing... Testing. Right. OK. Is this thing working? Testing... Testing. Right. OK. I suppose the first er the first word you'd use if you were describing Mike is that you'd say he was a loner. He... er... at college he was always on his own, he never seemed to be with other people. In the dining hall for instance he'd quite often sit apart. He'd get his tray if it was the self-service thing and go to the end of the table and if it was formal dinner, when it was laid and you sort of had to sit next to someone, then he'd sort of take his place. But he wouldn't try to engage anyone in conversation. I suppose the first er the first word you'd use if you were describing Mike is that you'd say he was a loner. He... er... at college he was always on his own, he never seemed to be with other people. In the dining hall for instance he'd quite often sit apart. He'd get his tray if it was the self-service thing and go to the end of the table and if it was formal dinner, when it was laid and you sort of had to sit next to someone, then he'd sort of take his place. But he wouldn't try to engage anyone in conversation. He... he didn't really seem to have any friends that I was aware of either in college or out. Though I know that he used to go out quite a bit in the evening but I don't know where he went to. He... he didn't really seem to have any friends that I was aware of either in college or out. Though I know that he used to go out quite a bit in the evening but I don't know where he went to. I first met him I think probably on the very first day we were there. I just happened to find myself sitting next to him at er at dinner and I thought it was friendly to introduce myself and we had a chat and I wouldn't say it was a very easy conversation, I mean, he wasn't er... the sort of person who was very at ease in company at all. He was awkward, he was physically awkward, and he was er, er... ill at ease, it wasn't, he wasn't a man who appeared to be well in his own skin as it were. I first met him I think probably on the very first day we were there. I just happened to find myself sitting next to him at er at dinner and I thought it was friendly to introduce myself and we had a chat and I wouldn't say it was a very easy conversation, I mean, he wasn't er... the sort of person who was very at ease in company at all. He was awkward, he was physically awkward, and he was er, er... ill at ease, it wasn't, he wasn't a man who appeared to be well in his own skin as it were. But... er, he was, he had opinions, he had views, and he had extremely strong views in fact [ But... er, he was, he had opinions, he had views, and he had extremely strong views in fact [laughs] on pretty well everything. I mean, I think if you had to sum up Mike you'd say he was an interesting man but he just wasn't much fun to be with. I mean, unlike a lot of people where completely the reverse is true. They haven't got anything interesting or worthwhile to say, but they're actually quite easy or amusing to be with. Of course one of the first things you notice about Mike is his appearance. Um... you know, he's incredibly badly dressed and I remember him coming to dinner once at our house in London and turning up in some sort of bootlace cowboy tie and hideous sort of caramel-coloured slacks. I mean, you know, just the whole thing was... appalling. And his hair which was sort of wiry and always needed cutting but it wasn't long in the sort of student style, it just looked as if it hadn't been cut. And his thick gla.s.ses which were defiantly... Everyone in those days wore John Lennon-style round gla.s.ses but Mike had these er... thick sort of I suppose horn-rimmed at the top then rimless at the bottom. And physically he was he was pretty, to be crude, he was pretty unprepossessing. He was... Quite short, he wore these horrible clothes, I mean I seem to remember he'd occasionally have on a tee shirt of... with something rather inappropriate on the front of it. That was about his only concession to, you know, fashion at all. He grunted quite a lot, he made a lot of noise breathing. Of course one of the first things you notice about Mike is his appearance. Um... you know, he's incredibly badly dressed and I remember him coming to dinner once at our house in London and turning up in some sort of bootlace cowboy tie and hideous sort of caramel-coloured slacks. I mean, you know, just the whole thing was... appalling. And his hair which was sort of wiry and always needed cutting but it wasn't long in the sort of student style, it just looked as if it hadn't been cut. And his thick gla.s.ses which were defiantly... Everyone in those days wore John Lennon-style round gla.s.ses but Mike had these er... thick sort of I suppose horn-rimmed at the top then rimless at the bottom. And physically he was he was pretty, to be crude, he was pretty unprepossessing. He was... Quite short, he wore these horrible clothes, I mean I seem to remember he'd occasionally have on a tee shirt of... with something rather inappropriate on the front of it. That was about his only concession to, you know, fashion at all. He grunted quite a lot, he made a lot of noise breathing. And of course he was also... physically very strong. He had heavy shoulders and this big chest. I mean... He could have been a fantastic rower. He was a bit short I suppose, but er you know, he was, he gave the impression that, of being a very powerful young man, though as I say I don't know if he actually took any exercise. And of course he was also... physically very strong. He had heavy shoulders and this big chest. I mean... He could have been a fantastic rower. He was a bit short I suppose, but er you know, he was, he gave the impression that, of being a very powerful young man, though as I say I don't know if he actually took any exercise. G.o.d, what else can you say? I kept in touch with him because I felt that... I... I saw something in him that I quite liked but also I suppose out of a sense of kindness. He... er, I felt this was a guy who perhaps needed the odd friend. He certainly didn't have any other friends, so far as I knew. G.o.d, what else can you say? I kept in touch with him because I felt that... I... I saw something in him that I quite liked but also I suppose out of a sense of kindness. He... er, I felt this was a guy who perhaps needed the odd friend. He certainly didn't have any other friends, so far as I knew. As far as Jennifer Arkland is concerned, er I think I knew that Mike had met her because he sort of er... gatecrashed one summer when they were making a film in Ireland, I remember him telling me about it at the beginning of it must have been our last year I think. Mike just sort of invited himself along and then... um, made himself useful. So I knew that he would have met her then and he did mention her to me I think once. He said something about that she was a friend of his. He didn't say that it was anything more than that and I certainly never saw them together. As far as Jennifer Arkland is concerned, er I think I knew that Mike had met her because he sort of er... gatecrashed one summer when they were making a film in Ireland, I remember him telling me about it at the beginning of it must have been our last year I think. Mike just sort of invited himself along and then... um, made himself useful. So I knew that he would have met her then and he did mention her to me I think once. He said something about that she was a friend of his. He didn't say that it was anything more than that and I certainly never saw them together. I knew almost nothing about his family. I knew that his father had died when he was young and that he'd... and that his mother went out to work but I couldn't tell you, I haven't the faintest idea what she did. Was there a sister? Did he have a sister or a younger brother? Er... I knew also that Mike came from a er... pretty er... simple background. He, you know, made no bones about that. He had quite a marked accent from wherever it was he came from... Reading, I think. Er... He didn't make any attempt to sort of make himself sound more posh or anything like that as I think quite a lot of boys and girls did when they first went to university. I knew almost nothing about his family. I knew that his father had died when he was young and that he'd... and that his mother went out to work but I couldn't tell you, I haven't the faintest idea what she did. Was there a sister? Did he have a sister or a younger brother? Er... I knew also that Mike came from a er... pretty er... simple background. He, you know, made no bones about that. He had quite a marked accent from wherever it was he came from... Reading, I think. Er... He didn't make any attempt to sort of make himself sound more posh or anything like that as I think quite a lot of boys and girls did when they first went to university. I don't think he ever mentioned where he'd been to school. I a.s.sumed he'd been to the local grammar school. I mean that's what, that's where most people had been. There's a sort of misconception that all the undergraduates are terribly posh and drink champagne, but it wasn't like that at all. Most of them were from grammar schools. A lot of them were teetotal scientists who just scurried from their rooms to the lecture hall and back again. I don't think he ever mentioned where he'd been to school. I a.s.sumed he'd been to the local grammar school. I mean that's what, that's where most people had been. There's a sort of misconception that all the undergraduates are terribly posh and drink champagne, but it wasn't like that at all. Most of them were from grammar schools. A lot of them were teetotal scientists who just scurried from their rooms to the lecture hall and back again. What else? The other thing is that he was very clever. But again, so what? So were most of the young men and women there, and I've really no idea whether Mike had a higher IQ, more firepower intellectually than anyone else. But he certainly had a phenomenal memory. I mean, if you, if he, if you wanted to, you could test him on dates and lists and you know which record had been in the top ten when, but you know to his credit [ What else? The other thing is that he was very clever. But again, so what? So were most of the young men and women there, and I've really no idea whether Mike had a higher IQ, more firepower intellectually than anyone else. But he certainly had a phenomenal memory. I mean, if you, if he, if you wanted to, you could test him on dates and lists and you know which record had been in the top ten when, but you know to his credit [laughs] he didn't show off that too much but he certainly had a superior memory. When I hear this you know, this... development, the trouble that Mike's now in I'm... I'm surprised. Because I knew that Mike was a bit of an oddball, as I say but I am surprised that anything... On the other hand, er, you have to say there was kind of concealed violence in a lot of his conversation, in the extreme positions he took on even little things, like music... And er politics and all sorts of things... He was extremely critical, I mean brutally critical of a lot of political thought and political belief. So there was a kind of maybe undischarged anger in the way that he saw the world. When I hear this you know, this... development, the trouble that Mike's now in I'm... I'm surprised. Because I knew that Mike was a bit of an oddball, as I say but I am surprised that anything... On the other hand, er, you have to say there was kind of concealed violence in a lot of his conversation, in the extreme positions he took on even little things, like music... And er politics and all sorts of things... He was extremely critical, I mean brutally critical of a lot of political thought and political belief. So there was a kind of maybe undischarged anger in the way that he saw the world. The truth is I guess now I think about it, that you know that maybe I didn't really know him at all. People are always mysterious, aren't they? You know you find out that one of your best friends has been having an affair for years and you never knew anything about it. And I suppose in that way nothing should ever really surprise us because people are like icebergs, you only see the little bit on top. The truth is I guess now I think about it, that you know that maybe I didn't really know him at all. People are always mysterious, aren't they? You know you find out that one of your best friends has been having an affair for years and you never knew anything about it. And I suppose in that way nothing should ever really surprise us because people are like icebergs, you only see the little bit on top. On the particular questions that you... you mentioned in your letter, the particular points. Did Mike appear remote, unengaged, distant from others? Yes, I think I would say that. Next, did he have a 'loner' view of life? Yes, I'd definitely say yes to that, in fact it was the first word I used about him. Did he avoid social situations? Yes, I suppose probably he did. Perhaps because he was shy, but also perhaps because he thought he'd be bored, I think. Did he have low s.e.xual desire? I know absolutely nothing about his s.e.xual life at all. What's the next one? 'Interpersonal skills', whatever that means. Yeah, they were poor, I mean really [ On the particular questions that you... you mentioned in your letter, the particular points. Did Mike appear remote, unengaged, distant from others? Yes, I think I would say that. Next, did he have a 'loner' view of life? Yes, I'd definitely say yes to that, in fact it was the first word I used about him. Did he avoid social situations? Yes, I suppose probably he did. Perhaps because he was shy, but also perhaps because he thought he'd be bored, I think. Did he have low s.e.xual desire? I know absolutely nothing about his s.e.xual life at all. What's the next one? 'Interpersonal skills', whatever that means. Yeah, they were poor, I mean really [laughs]... poor old Mike, I think of him at that dinner party, I mean, it was, it was very funny in a way, in a cruel way, watching him floundering and trying to talk to these people, but yeah he wasn't able to handle that. Next. His response to praise and criticism. Was he unresponsive? Yes. Indeed. I would say he was unresponsive to praise. For instance he did very well in the first-year exams and I said, 'Well done, Mike, that's fantastic,' and he then had a very good reason for why anyone could do it, and it wasn't any sort of achievement at all on his part. And that's when he acquired the nickname of Groucho as in Groucho Marx who said I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. Next. His response to praise and criticism. Was he unresponsive? Yes. Indeed. I would say he was unresponsive to praise. For instance he did very well in the first-year exams and I said, 'Well done, Mike, that's fantastic,' and he then had a very good reason for why anyone could do it, and it wasn't any sort of achievement at all on his part. And that's when he acquired the nickname of Groucho as in Groucho Marx who said I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. Now, 'difficulty in expressing anger'... That's also tricky. Yes and no. Um. I suppose it was bottled up, as I said earlier on, I certainly never saw him express anger. So... Of those six points I suppose I am answering in the affirmative to pretty well all of them. s.e.xual desire except that one. I can't really say. Now, 'difficulty in expressing anger'... That's also tricky. Yes and no. Um. I suppose it was bottled up, as I said earlier on, I certainly never saw him express anger. So... Of those six points I suppose I am answering in the affirmative to pretty well all of them. s.e.xual desire except that one. I can't really say. What else can I say about Mike? Well of course, he was a terrible pedant. He was always correcting you if you said 'between you and I'. And what was the other one that used to drive him up the wall? I forget. 'Internecine' maybe. Yes, I think I heard him go off on quite a rant about that. You know when people think it's just a posh word for 'internal'? I forget what it really does mean now. Better ask Mike. What else can I say about Mike? Well of course, he was a terrible pedant. He was always correcting you if you said 'between you and I'. And what was the other one that used to drive him up the wall? I forget. 'Internecine' maybe. Yes, I think I heard him go off on quite a rant about that. You know when people think it's just a posh word for 'internal'? I forget what it really does mean now. Better ask Mike. But of course none of these things made him very popular. People don't like being ticked off for their grammar especially when they're just trying to be friendly and thinking maybe Mike could have used a friend. But of course none of these things made him very popular. People don't like being ticked off for their grammar especially when they're just trying to be friendly and thinking maybe Mike could have used a friend. I did like him, though. Why am I talking in the past, as though he's dead? I'd like to end by saying that I did like him, though I may have sounded a bit lukewarm in this tape. And I will stick by him even if it turns out for the worst. I did like him, though. Why am I talking in the past, as though he's dead? I'd like to end by saying that I did like him, though I may have sounded a bit lukewarm in this tape. And I will stick by him even if it turns out for the worst. So what do I like about him? Mike... G.o.d. [ So what do I like about him? Mike... G.o.d. [laughs] Not his clothes, that's for sure. I liked his manner. I think. Although it was awkward, direct, embarra.s.sing... It was embarra.s.sing, it was painful to be around sometimes. But there was something deeply er... uncompromising about him. He told it exactly how he saw it. It made me laugh. Mike made me laugh a lot, though I often thought he didn't really get the joke himself. Yes, that's weird now I come to think of it. He could be very funny, but he hardly ever laughed. He very seldom laughed or showed any emotion at all. I'll definitely keep in touch. I've certainly never met anyone else quite like him. I'll send him cards or go and see him. I think that's all. I'm going to stop this thing now. I'll definitely keep in touch. I've certainly never met anyone else quite like him. I'll send him cards or go and see him. I think that's all. I'm going to stop this thing now. I confirm that this is a true and accurate transcript of the tape I made. Signed: James Stellings, 24 July, 1988 I confirm that this is a true and accurate transcript of the tape I made. Signed: James Stellings, 24 July, 1988 Who would have thought old Stellings to have quite such pedestrian thought processes? And to be quite so radically inarticulate? I'd always thought of him with his Montrachet and his Rodgers and Hammerstein as rather debonair. But then as he himself remarked with such shining originality perhaps you never really know people.

Oh well.

Yesterday, Dr Exley deliberately, I think left some more papers on the table in the room where we do our interviews while he went out to talk to one of the officers. I wasn't sure whether the scrawly notes were intended to go to the lawyers or to his fellow defence shrink. Or perhaps they were just a memo to himself. Anyway, he was gone for ten minutes, so I read them.

Dr Julian Exley MD, FRCPsych Preparatory notes for report on patient M. Engleby in case of R v Engleby.

(Philippa: please leave or fill gaps where indicated. I shall have to redraft in more formal way later. More typing... Sorry! J) I recommend a plea of guilty to manslaughter but not guilty to murder on the grounds of diminished responsibility. I expect that expert opinion for the prosecution will agree with the diagnosis and accept the plea. However, in view of the notoriety of the case, it's possible that the judge will want to put it before a jury, so I have roughed out a report in more detail on the grounds that I may have to give evidence in person. (Philippa: please leave or fill gaps where indicated. I shall have to redraft in more formal way later. More typing... Sorry! J) I recommend a plea of guilty to manslaughter but not guilty to murder on the grounds of diminished responsibility. I expect that expert opinion for the prosecution will agree with the diagnosis and accept the plea. However, in view of the notoriety of the case, it's possible that the judge will want to put it before a jury, so I have roughed out a report in more detail on the grounds that I may have to give evidence in person. 1. 1. Michael Engleby is a 35-year-old male of Anglo-Saxon/Caucasiandescent. Michael Engleby is a 35-year-old male of Anglo-Saxon/Caucasiandescent. He was brought up in a normal working-cla.s.s family, he is unusually well educated (grammar school, public school, Cambridge University) and has a high IQ (see test results, to be appended). He has managed to retain a well paid and respectable job in journalism. He is financially solvent, has some savings and owns the leasehold (less outstanding mortgage) of a small flat in London. He was brought up in a normal working-cla.s.s family, he is unusually well educated (grammar school, public school, Cambridge University) and has a high IQ (see test results, to be appended). He has managed to retain a well paid and respectable job in journalism. He is financially solvent, has some savings and owns the leasehold (less outstanding mortgage) of a small flat in London. He has a mild cardiac arrhythmia, and lung function test results (using Youlten peak-flow meter) are slightly below average for his age. This may be caused by excessive smoking. He has a borderline alcohol dependency problem and has been a heavy drug user in the past. Neither condition appears to be acute, however. In prison, he has been prescribed ten mg diazepam twice daily and this seems to be all that is necessary. He has a mild cardiac arrhythmia, and lung function test results (using Youlten peak-flow meter) are slightly below average for his age. This may be caused by excessive smoking. He has a borderline alcohol dependency problem and has been a heavy drug user in the past. Neither condition appears to be acute, however. In prison, he has been prescribed ten mg diazepam twice daily and this seems to be all that is necessary. Throughout his life, however, he has had difficulty in forming even rudimentary attachments to others. He disliked his father, who, he says, abused him as a child by beating him regularly. His mother appears to have been the dominant figure at home, yet emotionally distant. He had little respect for her and minimal attachment. He claims to have been 'close' to a younger sister, but has hardly seen her in the last ten years. He had no close friends at school, university or work. He says that the resulting solitude has not bothered him, that in fact he prefers it. Throughout his life, however, he has had difficulty in forming even rudimentary attachments to others. He disliked his father, who, he says, abused him as a child by beating him regularly. His mother appears to have been the dominant figure at home, yet emotionally distant. He had little respect for her and minimal attachment. He claims to have been 'close' to a younger sister, but has hardly seen her in the last ten years. He had no close friends at school, university or work. He says that the resulting solitude has not bothered him, that in fact he prefers it. His preference has been for solitary activities, such as reading or listening to music. In journalism, he made it a condition of his joining the staff of a newspaper that he need not go to the office more than once or twice a week, thus maintaining his solitude. As he put it to me, 'I'd rather be abandoned than engulfed.' His preference has been for solitary activities, such as reading or listening to music. In journalism, he made it a condition of his joining the staff of a newspaper that he need not go to the office more than once or twice a week, thus maintaining his solitude. As he put it to me, 'I'd rather be abandoned than engulfed.' He exhibits a degree of anhedonia viz., he takes little pleasure in life, even in the activities that he chooses. He evinces little emotion of a positive or negative kind. He exhibits a consistent flatness of response. He responds little to the facial expressions of others. He exhibits a degree of anhedonia viz., he takes little pleasure in life, even in the activities that he chooses. He evinces little emotion of a positive or negative kind. He exhibits a consistent flatness of response. He responds little to the facial expressions of others. He declines to discuss his libido, but appears to have had only one s.e.xual relationship of any kind. According to him, it was coming to an end at the time of his arrest. His partner/ex-partner has declined to be interviewed. He declines to discuss his libido, but appears to have had only one s.e.xual relationship of any kind. According to him, it was coming to an end at the time of his arrest. His partner/ex-partner has declined to be interviewed. He admits to having been indifferent to the praise or criticism of colleagues, teachers or friends at any stage in his life. He has admitted that this was because he did not value their opinions. He admits to having been indifferent to the praise or criticism of colleagues, teachers or friends at any stage in his life. He has admitted that this was because he did not value their opinions. Some of the defining symptoms of this disorder (e.g. anhedonia, flatness of affect) are a.s.sociated with the so-called 'negative' symptoms of schizophrenia. However, the subject exhibits no positive symptoms of schizophrenia or psychosis in any form and I do not find that he is suffering from mental illness. Some of the defining symptoms of this disorder (e.g. anhedonia, flatness of affect) are a.s.sociated with the so-called 'negative' symptoms of schizophrenia. However, the subject exhibits no positive symptoms of schizophrenia or psychosis in any form and I do not find that he is suffering from mental illness. The subject has had a firm grasp of reality at most stages of his life. The exceptions are twofold. First, in the occurrence of occasional acute panic attacks, which are considered below. Second, there appears to have been occasional partial memory loss. These lapses in my view can be explained in simple psychological terms of defence mechanisms, stress and so on. It is ironic that they occur in someone whose memory is generally of an almost 'savant' or autistic order but no more than ironic, and not in my view suggestive of psychotic illness or indeed of any neurological problem, such as local brain damage. The subject has had a firm grasp of reality at most stages of his life. The exceptions are twofold. First, in the occurrence of occasional acute panic attacks, which are considered below. Second, there appears to have been occasional partial memory loss. These lapses in my view can be explained in simple psychological terms of defence mechanisms, stress and so on. It is ironic that they occur in someone whose memory is generally of an almost 'savant' or autistic order but no more than ironic, and not in my view suggestive of psychotic illness or indeed of any neurological problem, such as local brain damage. In my view, he suffers from a personality disorder, which amounts to abnormality of mind for the purposes of Section 2 of the 1957 Homicide Act. If pressed to answer, I would say that this disorder substantially impaired his responsibility for his offence, although I am mindful that this is properly a question for the jury. In my view, he suffers from a personality disorder, which amounts to abnormality of mind for the purposes of Section 2 of the 1957 Homicide Act. If pressed to answer, I would say that this disorder substantially impaired his responsibility for his offence, although I am mindful that this is properly a question for the jury. Personality disorder diagnoses can cause problems because in many cases the crime is the first evidence we have of serious abnormality. However, in the case of Engleby we have the extraordinary advantage of his own written account of the formative years of his life. Personality disorder diagnoses can cause problems because in many cases the crime is the first evidence we have of serious abnormality. However, in the case of Engleby we have the extraordinary advantage of his own written account of the formative years of his life. 2. 2. The following is a list of some notes I made while reading the journal. The following is a list of some notes I made while reading the journal. Chapter One. His vanity while being interviewed for a university place. Contempt for his superiors. Fetishistic att.i.tude to brands of drink and cigarettes. Persistent alcohol abuse. Drug abuse. (It is interesting that the 'blue ten-milligram pill' he takes is almost certainly diazepam, or Valium, whose tranquillising effect may have been helpful in the long term, but may also have distorted the diagnostic picture by removing a degree of anxiety that might otherwise have been present.) Chapter One. His vanity while being interviewed for a university place. Contempt for his superiors. Fetishistic att.i.tude to brands of drink and cigarettes. Persistent alcohol abuse. Drug abuse. (It is interesting that the 'blue ten-milligram pill' he takes is almost certainly diazepam, or Valium, whose tranquillising effect may have been helpful in the long term, but may also have distorted the diagnostic picture by removing a degree of anxiety that might otherwise have been present.) He 'does not like to think' about his younger sister. I believe this is not because he dislikes her, but because he has a fear of emotional closeness. Significantly, she is the only person he can feel sorry for (when she comes to visit him in London later) or empathise with at all. He 'does not like to think' about his younger sister. I believe this is not because he dislikes her, but because he has a fear of emotional closeness. Significantly, she is the only person he can feel sorry for (when she comes to visit him in London later) or empathise with at all. Chapter Two. Explicit preferences for solitude, particularly in his student travelling. Note also his reluctance to name either his university or his college. Also, the pub he calls the Kestrel is clearly the Eagle. Etc. This may not be significant, but is consonant with a fear of being 'engulfed' by a social context which he found intimidating. Chapter Two. Explicit preferences for solitude, particularly in his student travelling. Note also his reluctance to name either his university or his college. Also, the pub he calls the Kestrel is clearly the Eagle. Etc. This may not be significant, but is consonant with a fear of being 'engulfed' by a social context which he found intimidating. Chapter Three. Schooldays. One notes that he is abused and becomes an abuser. Systematic thieving. Disregard of social norms. Fantasises about killing his tormentor. Chapter Three. Schooldays. One notes that he is abused and becomes an abuser. Systematic thieving. Disregard of social norms. Fantasises about killing his tormentor. Chapter Four. Memory loss could be attributed to marijuana abuse, but more likely to the selective repression necessary in his building of a pathological defence system. Chapter Four. Memory loss could be attributed to marijuana abuse, but more likely to the selective repression necessary in his building of a pathological defence system. There is almost no s.e.xual content in his descriptions of the girl Jennifer, very unusual in a man of 20/21 years old. He appears more concerned about whether she has s.e.x with her boyfriend than whether she has s.e.x with him. There is almost no s.e.xual content in his descriptions of the girl Jennifer, very unusual in a man of 20/21 years old. He appears more concerned about whether she has s.e.x with her boyfriend than whether she has s.e.x with him. Chapter Five. His only friend or acquaintance, James Stellings (see witness statement), does not look him up in the vacation. 'Mercifully' is how M.E. describes this omission. Chapter Five. His only friend or acquaintance, James Stellings (see witness statement), does not look him up in the vacation. 'Mercifully' is how M.E. describes this omission. Chapter Six. His only friend in London appears to be the shopkeeper, a refugee from Amin's Uganda. His account of buying p.o.r.nographic magazines shows little libido. He is more interested in the imagined lives of the models and the homeland of the shopkeeper. His attempt to meet women in a wine bar is halfhearted and inept; his account of it is misogynistic. Note: his account of his father's abuse. Lacks detail. Detail suppressed? Or gravity of episode(s) exaggerated? Chapter Six. His only friend in London appears to be the shopkeeper, a refugee from Amin's Uganda. His account of buying p.o.r.nographic magazines shows little libido. He is more interested in the imagined lives of the models and the homeland of the shopkeeper. His attempt to meet women in a wine bar is halfhearted and inept; his account of it is misogynistic. Note: his account of his father's abuse. Lacks detail. Detail suppressed? Or gravity of episode(s) exaggerated? Chapter Seven. He recoils from Jeffrey Archer's mistress, or perhaps from the thought of s.e.x when confronted with physical presence of two lovers. Although he doubtless interviewed people for his newspaper, the stories of his meetings with famous people are not always convincing. Creative fantasy? Chapter Seven. He recoils from Jeffrey Archer's mistress, or perhaps from the thought of s.e.x when confronted with physical presence of two lovers. Although he doubtless interviewed people for his newspaper, the stories of his meetings with famous people are not always convincing. Creative fantasy? His admission here to periodic rages, on the other hand, is extremely compelling. I think it is significant that it comes at a time when he feels his life is generally 'improving'. He feels more confident and is able to look at himself with detachment and recall these episodes. His admission here to periodic rages, on the other hand, is extremely compelling. I think it is significant that it comes at a time when he feels his life is generally 'improving'. He feels more confident and is able to look at himself with detachment and recall these episodes. Elsewhere he typically sees no problem with himself, only with others the teachers, colleagues, would-be friends, acquaintances and even shopkeepers. This is characteristic of personality disorders. Elsewhere he typically sees no problem with himself, only with others the teachers, colleagues, would-be friends, acquaintances and even shopkeepers. This is characteristic of personality disorders. Chapter Eight. His vagueness about how to proceed with Margaret suggests s.e.xual inexperience, perhaps even virginity. His description of s.e.x with her 'We took a room and had it off' is, even allowing for natural modesty, rather unconvincing. Chapter Eight. His vagueness about how to proceed with Margaret suggests s.e.xual inexperience, perhaps even virginity. His description of s.e.x with her 'We took a room and had it off' is, even allowing for natural modesty, rather unconvincing. Chapter Nine. He is unable to deal with the intimacy of living with Margaret and is moving back to his preferred state of solitude. Chapter Nine. He is unable to deal with the intimacy of living with Margaret and is moving back to his preferred state of solitude. Narcissism is continually present in the Engleby journal. It is evident in all his accounts of the intellectual processes of others, which he views with contempt. Any failings of his own, on the other hand, are attributed to the poor judgement or misinterpretation of others. He is dismissive of all politicians, of all scientists, of playwrights, of almost all cinema and most music, with only bizarre and partial exceptions. Narcissism is continually present in the Engleby journal. It is evident in all his accounts of the intellectual processes of others, which he views with contempt. Any failings of his own, on the other hand, are attributed to the poor judgement or misinterpretation of others. He is dismissive of all politicians, of all scientists, of playwrights, of almost all cinema and most music, with only bizarre and partial exceptions. His own intellectual processes, by contrast, pa.s.s unchallenged. His social inadequacies and embarra.s.sments are blamed on others. It never occurs to him that he is unattractive in any way or that his behaviour could be adjusted. His problems do not appear to him as problems because they are so deeply entrenched that they are His own intellectual processes, by contrast, pa.s.s unchallenged. His social inadequacies and embarra.s.sments are blamed on others. It never occurs to him that he is unattractive in any way or that his behaviour could be adjusted. His problems do not appear to him as problems because they are so deeply entrenched that they are ego-syntonic ego-syntonic i.e. they seem normal to him. i.e. they seem normal to him. My belief is that he suffers from schizoid personality disorder (following criteria of DSM III-R) with elements of narcissism and antisocial personality disorder. This is a complicated picture for the court, however, and I note that in the latest figures we have from one Special Hospital (Broadmoor) only two per cent of personality disorder patients have schizoid PD as their primary diagnosis. My belief is that he suffers from schizoid personality disorder (following criteria of DSM III-R) with elements of narcissism and antisocial personality disorder. This is a complicated picture for the court, however, and I note that in the latest figures we have from one Special Hospital (Broadmoor) only two per cent of personality disorder patients have schizoid PD as their primary diagnosis. However, more than 80 per cent of these non-psychotics have psychopathic or unspecified PD as their main diagnosis. The worse the crime, the vaguer the diagnosis, on the latest figures; and I can therefore see no problem with Engleby being put in this looser category. However, more than 80 per cent of these non-psychotics have psychopathic or unspecified PD as their main diagnosis. The worse the crime, the vaguer the diagnosis, on the latest figures; and I can therefore see no problem with Engleby being put in this looser category. Although he has suggested otherwise, I am not convinced that the patient is responsible either for an a.s.sault on a schoolmate that may have led, indirectly, to his premature death many years later, or the murder of a German woman in London, in which case no forensic evidence survives, the victim's body having been flown home and cremated. Although he has suggested otherwise, I am not convinced that the patient is responsible either for an a.s.sault on a schoolmate that may have led, indirectly, to his premature death many years later, or the murder of a German woman in London, in which case no forensic evidence survives, the victim's body having been flown home and cremated. I suspect that the patient believes that a diminished responsibility plea stands a better chance of succeeding if there is more than one crime. I suspect that the patient believes that a diminished responsibility plea stands a better chance of succeeding if there is more than one crime. (Philippa: this next bit is technical. You can leave it till later if you on't have time now, as I may need to revise it anyway.) (Philippa: this next bit is technical. You can leave it till later if you on't have time now, as I may need to revise it anyway.) Winnicott (1965) characterises extreme aggression as arising at the moment at which a 'deprived' character tries catastrophically to revert to the instant before deprivation led him to erect morbid defence systems. It is a moment of hope: of a.s.serting that, despite entrenched patterns, he can still Winnicott (1965) characterises extreme aggression as arising at the moment at which a 'deprived' character tries catastrophically to revert to the instant before deprivation led him to erect morbid defence systems. It is a moment of hope: of a.s.serting that, despite entrenched patterns, he can still take take something from his environment. something from his environment.

Well, there were six more pages of this baloney and I will spare you the details. Old Exley really liked to beef up his argument by referring to previous shrinks, mostly American, as though they gave his own amateur meanderings some heft and authority.

In the fog of his prose, there were just a few moments of light. (Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.) Here are the brighter bits.

Consensus in the literature is that rage is closely linked to fear of exposure, shame and damage to the narcissistic self. It is essentially Consensus in the literature is that rage is closely linked to fear of exposure, shame and damage to the narcissistic self. It is essentially defensive defensive. The feared annihilator must be annihilated (Kohut, 1972); though it is not the object him/herself that is to be eliminated, but the danger he/she poses to the very existence of the fabricated self danger he/she poses to the very existence of the fabricated self. Violence in defence of a coherent sense of ident.i.ty under intolerable threat must include gender and s.e.xuality issues, most commonly fear of the exposure of s.e.xual inadequacy (argued in US by Bromberg, Abrahamsen and others). Violence in defence of a coherent sense of ident.i.ty under intolerable threat must include gender and s.e.xuality issues, most commonly fear of the exposure of s.e.xual inadequacy (argued in US by Bromberg, Abrahamsen and others). Perhaps also relevant is the notion of 'dissociative murder', which entails an altered state of consciousness in which there is no knowledge of motive. The murder in fact takes place at a moment of total 'ego disintegration'. Perhaps also relevant is the notion of 'dissociative murder', which entails an altered state of consciousness in which there is no knowledge of motive. The murder in fact takes place at a moment of total 'ego disintegration'. This is a frightening and difficult concept to grasp. But Engleby gives us two or three previous descriptions of something similar happening when he is under extreme pressure, e.g. something like: 'It is unusual to feel oneself come apart in such a molecular way.' This is a frightening and difficult concept to grasp. But Engleby gives us two or three previous descriptions of something similar happening when he is under extreme pressure, e.g. something like: 'It is unusual to feel oneself come apart in such a molecular way.' Engleby claims partial or 'snapshot' memory of the deed, which is consistent with dissociation. (Total amnesia is a highly suspect defence, unless there is evidence of brain damage or neurological deficits, which there is not in Engleby.) Engleby claims partial or 'snapshot' memory of the deed, which is consistent with dissociation. (Total amnesia is a highly suspect defence, unless there is evidence of brain damage or neurological deficits, which there is not in Engleby.) The patient's behaviour after the crime is also consistent with this kind of dissociation. He feels no remorse because his emotion of relief at having eliminated the threat to himself and thus being able to reorganise his defence systems is so great that it leaves no room for other emotions. The patient's behaviour after the crime is also consistent with this kind of dissociation. He feels no remorse because his emotion of relief at having eliminated the threat to himself and thus being able to reorganise his defence systems is so great that it leaves no room for other emotions. This goes right back to Freud's 'constancy principle', which argues that the mind tends always to bring itself back to minimal stimulation by ridding itself of emotions that threaten its equilibrium. Great is the relief when stasis is restored though This goes right back to Freud's 'constancy principle', which argues that the mind tends always to bring itself back to minimal stimulation by ridding itself of emotions that threaten its equilibrium. Great is the relief when stasis is restored though remorse may follow remorse may follow. The American psychologist Bromberg (1961) argues that explosive murders are usually connected to fears of being exposed as s.e.xually inadequate. It is not hard to see how this may have been the catastrophic moment in Engleby's narcissism. Arkland's offer to 'do what [Engleby] wanted' may indirectly have cost her her life. It seems bizarre, but Ruotolo (1968) argued: 'some personalised value was found to take precedence over the ultimate crime of murder... This unique image of oneself had to be maintained The American psychologist Bromberg (1961) argues that explosive murders are usually connected to fears of being exposed as s.e.xually inadequate. It is not hard to see how this may have been the catastrophic moment in Engleby's narcissism. Arkland's offer to 'do what [Engleby] wanted' may indirectly have cost her her life. It seems bizarre, but Ruotolo (1968) argued: 'some personalised value was found to take precedence over the ultimate crime of murder... This unique image of oneself had to be maintained at any price at any price.' 4. Conclusion 4. Conclusion I don't suppose that the detail above will be necessary, but court/counsel may need background on idea of personality disorders. I don't suppose that the detail above will be necessary, but court/counsel may need background on idea of personality disorders. In lay terms, they arise as a result of an adverse reaction at the meeting place between, on the one hand, a child's temperament and character and, on the other, its family and social environment. In lay terms, they arise as a result of an adverse reaction at the meeting place between, on the one hand, a child's temperament and character and, on the other, its family and social environment. This meeting brings us close to the key moment of human life: the moment at which a child becomes self-aware. The Adam and Eve myth dramatises it plainly. Few people find this extraordinary moment and all that it subsequently entails to be frictionless. This meeting brings us close to the key moment of human life: the moment at which a child becomes self-aware. The Adam and Eve myth dramatises it plainly. Few people find this extraordinary moment and all that it subsequently entails to be frictionless. 'Temperament' may be defined as a person's innate disposition, and this has a biological substrate in the chemistry of the brain. Sensitivity to light or noise, for instance, ability to relate to others, even 'adventurousness' may well have a molecular and/or genetic base. (In his important work 'Temperament' may be defined as a person's innate disposition, and this has a biological substrate in the chemistry of the brain. Sensitivity to light or noise, for instance, ability to relate to others, even 'adventurousness' may well have a molecular and/or genetic base. (In his important work The Mask of Sanity The Mask of Sanity, H. Cleckley (1976) even found a possible neurological site for basis of psychopathy in the temporal lobe.) If 'personality' is then defined as the sum of att.i.tudes, responses and behaviours acquired by the developing child as it struggles to adapt to its environment, then a disorder may result if the child's temperament forces it to develop a 'personality' which, while successfully surviving in the short term, is chronically maladapted. If 'personality' is then defined as the sum of att.i.tudes, responses and behaviours acquired by the developing child as it struggles to adapt to its environment, then a disorder may result if the child's temperament forces it to develop a 'personality' which, while successfully surviving in the short term, is chronically maladapted. In adult life, there are then the further normal psychological pressures of life events on the individual which will affect his behaviour. In adult life, there are then the further normal psychological pressures of life events on the individual which will affect his behaviour. As I understand it, a plea of diminished responsibility can succeed only if the court takes the view that the accused is or was suffering from such abnormality of mind as substantially impaired his mental responsibility for his actions at the time of the killing (Section 2, Homicide Act, 1957). As I understand it, a plea of diminished responsibility can succeed only if the court takes the view that the accused is or was suffering from such abnormality of mind as substantially impaired his mental responsibility for his actions at the time of the killing (Section 2, Homicide Act, 1957). The 'abnormality' must arise from arrested or r.e.t.a.r.ded development (no); disease (e.g. schizophrenia; no); injury (no); or inherent causes. It's this loose category that M.E. fits, and his own narrative shows us how. The 'abnormality' must arise from arrested or r.e.t.a.r.ded development (no); disease (e.g. schizophrenia; no); injury (no); or inherent causes. It's this loose category that M.E. fits, and his own narrative shows us how. The crux is that there seems little doubt on the basis of what he has told us that Engleby was indeed suffering from an extreme abnormality of mind, and that this abnormality did substantially impair his responsibility. If necessary, I can go further into the extent to which his personality disorder was shaped by biological factors it was beyond his reasonable capacity to modify. The crux is that there seems little doubt on the basis of what he has told us that Engleby was indeed suffering from an extreme abnormality of mind, and that this abnormality did substantially impair his responsibility. If necessary, I can go further into the extent to which his personality disorder was shaped by biological factors it was beyond his reasonable capacity to modify. I respectfully recommend that, if the defendant's guilty plea is accepted, the court consider making a hospital order under Section 37 of the Mental Health Act 1983. A requirement of the Act is that hospital treatment is 'likely to alleviate or prevent the deterioration of the condition'. Although medication and psychotherapy are generally of v limited use with such patients, I believe M.E. could easily benefit from both, particularly the latter. I have communicated with the relevant authorities at Longdale hospital. I respectfully recommend that, if the defendant's guilty plea is accepted, the court consider making a hospital order under Section 37 of the Mental Health Act 1983. A requirement of the Act is that hospital treatment is 'likely to alleviate or prevent the deterioration of the condition'. Although medication and psychotherapy are generally of v limited use with such patients, I believe M.E. could easily benefit from both, particularly the latter. I have communicated with the relevant authorities at Longdale hospital.

I put the sheaf of papers back on the desk.

'Personality disorder'. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. If instead of 'schizoid' he'd gone for 'borderline' personality disorder as his main diagnosis but had been equally unsure about that one too, might he have ended up describing me as having borderline borderline personality disorder?

What a way to spend your life.

But then again, if the court can be made to see it Exley's way I'll get to pa.s.s my time being scrutinised in a hospital albeit with razor wire and maximum security rather than being banged up in a 'normal' prison.

I was also shocked to find so much Freud in his report (there was plenty more I've spared you). It was rather as if in a paper written by a Treasury economist you found continual reliance on Marxist economics.

Marx and Freud. Blimey. Say what you like about that pair of flat-earthers, they are nothing if not durable. Long after their train has gone, they are still kicking their heels in the station waiting room, grabbing the wrist of any poor traveller with half an ear to listen.

Freud dreamed up the Oedipus theory on the basis of not not having seen his mother naked on one occasion as a child; and on further supposing that having seen his mother naked on one occasion as a child; and on further supposing that if if he had, then he he had, then he might might have been aroused. And from that triple non-event, he extrapolated a universal 'truth'. Ah... Where would we be without the hard men of science and their rigour? have been aroused. And from that triple non-event, he extrapolated a universal 'truth'. Ah... Where would we be without the hard men of science and their rigour?

'I sometimes seem to myself to have been more of a short-story writer than a scientist,' he wrote, as though warning his apostles that Anna and Emmy and Lucy and all the other 'hysterical' women were merely characters in a book. But he claimed his fictions were true even when it became clear that there was no such thing as 'hysteria', or not as he understood it; even when it was shown that these famous girls whose cures were to form the basis of a human panacea had not been cured at all, but carried on their spastic clacking and paralyses even when it was clear that they in fact had epilepsy or, in one shameful case, Tourette's syndrome named after a former colleague in Paris, a man he'd worked with!

On the other hand...

I suppose we don't really believe that Jesus Christ was literally and actually the son of G.o.d. I mean, a few fundamentalists do, but no one else can seriously believe that he was G.o.d 'son', avatar or incarnation.

But that doesn't mean his teaching is all worthless. Surely there's wisdom in much of what he said; and surely we wouldn't want to throw that ethical baby out with the superst.i.tious bathwater.

And so with Freud. The edifice may have a foundation of guesswork and opportunism; but over the years, as he practised, the old short-story writer the O. Henry of medicine may have had moments of psychological insight, may he not? I mean, he was quite a clever man and he spent many years in practice.

And in the search for human happiness, are we really so well off and so pure that we can afford to ignore any such offerings, however tainted their parentage?

Especially if, as now, they seem to be working to my advantage by steering me towards a semi-civilised hospital with 'medication', therapy and craft rooms rather than a Category A, round-the-clock fisting.

Or so I argued as I lay in my cell last night; so I reasoned so I weaselled with myself.

Twelve.

My name is Mike Engleby and I'm in my eighteenth year at an ancient inst.i.tution. Ring a bell? This one isn't a university, though; this one is Longdale Special Hospital (formerly Asylum for the Criminally Insane), in the village of Upper Rookley.

It's 7 March, 2006 and I understand that a film about gay cowboys has just won an Oscar. I'm only 52, but I feel a bit cut off from the world, as you would if you'd spent so much time in here.

But although I feel detached, I think that recently there's been an improvement in my memory of the past. With this in mind, I think it's time to bring my account of events up to date. I don't have access to what I wrote earlier, though I know it's kept on file here and is frequently referred to by the people who 'treat' me. I daresay I could have a look at it if I asked nicely, but I don't really need to since I can remember everything in it.

My improved recall is frankly a mixed blessing. But the fact is that, after a few hazy years, probably affected by 'medication', my memory has not only recovered its encyclopaedic range, it now has fewer gaps and a really tight focus on detail.

Take the day I arrived here, seventeen years ago.

The irritating thing was that I could see very little of