"Now I've left you with blue b.a.l.l.s."

"Yeah, about that . . . is getting myself off cheating if you're not on the end of the phone?"

"No. I mean, did you when you were in London? Do you think it should be?" Why was he asking me this? It felt weird talking about it. But at the same time I was pleased. Ethan seemed to have no boundaries. He hid little from me and I loved that, but I wasn't used to it. No one in my life had ever been as open as Ethan was with me. As much as it made me slightly uncomfortable at times, it was exactly what I needed.

"I never did in London. But I spent half my time inside you."

I smiled. "Why would you think that I wouldn't want you to?"

"I just didn't know how you would feel about it. So I wanted to ask you."

"You are the best boyfriend ever. Do you want to know how I feel about it, no bulls.h.i.t? I think that I want you to get yourself off twenty times a day if you need to. Anything to ensure that you're not tempted to go near another woman while we're apart."

"Okay, that's not what I was expecting you to say. You're worried that I'm going to cheat on you?"

Was I? I was worried that I would lose him, but would he cheat? I didn't know if he could go without until the next time we saw each other. He did, after all, have the s.e.xual appet.i.te of a nineteen-year-old boy and he'd never had to think about being monogamous before. "I don't think I'm worried, but it's natural to notice other women, and I guess you're more likely to act on that if you've not had s.e.x for a while." I was trying to sound rational. I was trying to feel rational. "You've never had to deny yourself before Ethan."

He was quiet on the other end of the phone.

Chapter Three.

Ethan I was left wounded by her admission. Wounded because she thought I was capable of betraying her. Wounded because she thought I didn't have more self-control, but most of all I was f.u.c.king devastated that she couldn't feel about me the way I felt about her-not if she thought that I could ever want anyone else.

If she thought that s.e.x with another woman could compare to her, she didn't get it. The idea of some random hook-up made my skin crawl. Apart from the fact that Anna did things to my body that no one else did. I wasn't convinced those things were entirely legal, they felt so good. The f.u.c.king was in a whole different category of s.e.x that I hadn't realized existed. But it wasn't just f.u.c.king, it was connection, it was understanding. Or so I'd thought. But maybe it wasn't like that for her. Maybe she'd had this before. Maybe this was good, but nothing special to her. She didn't get how I felt about her. She couldn't feel what I felt for her because if she did, she'd understand it wasn't a possibility that I would even look at another woman. There would never be room in my brain, my heart or my soul for anyone else.

"Ethan," she breathed.

"What can I do?" I asked. "To make it better, to rea.s.sure you that there will never be anyone else?"

It was her turn at silence now.

That gave me every answer I needed. There was nothing I could do. Nothing to show her how she wasn't just another woman. I knew that she, and what we had, was different. She didn't feel it and there was nothing I could do to show her. Especially from three thousand miles away.

The grip around my heart tightened.

I would lose her.

Maybe I'd never had her to begin with.

"Tell me about your day," she said.

I didn't know if I should force the issue, make her talk about it. It was my natural instinct but I'd lost confidence in our magic formula of no bulls.h.i.t. It didn't seem to be enough.

I started telling her in minute detail about everything that had happened. For some reason, it was important to get the details right. To be clear. To tell her everything. Time was ticking away. Eight was approaching, but I didn't want to end our conversation. She should be sleeping now. Was she trying to stay awake?

"How did you make it home so early?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"On your first day back? You must have left the office at six-thirty to be home now."

"I brought some work home. I wanted to speak to you. You . . . us. It's my priority."

More silence.

"I'm sorry I ruined it," she said.

"You didn't ruin anything."

"But it wasn't what you had planned."

"You weren't what I had planned, and look how lucky I got. I love giving you pleasure, I love getting you off, but it's not the only thing between us, beautiful. Not for me."

"Me either. But I want you to . . . you know."

I laughed. "What?"

"You know, to, er, be satisfied."

I could feel the warmth in her cheeks from here. "All the things we've done and you can't tell me you want me to come?"

"Ethan."

"What? It's pretty funny."

I loved the sound of her laugh.

"I promise to jerk off in the shower."

"Promise to think of me."

"Beautiful, I can think of nothing else any time of the day or night." It was true, she totally owned me, and I wanted her to know it. "We're going to make this work, you know."

"Should it have to be an effort?" The giggle was gone. She sounded serious.

Every part of her was having doubts. She was dripping in them. And I didn't know how to stem the flow.

"I don't know about 'should'," I replied. "I've got nothing I can compare us to. All I know is that I want you and me to work more than I want anything else."

She sighed. Was I pushing too hard? "But you've got to talk to me, I'm not there to see it in your face, you're going to have to tell me what you're thinking."

I could almost hear her brain whirring at the other end of the phone. "It's all jumbled up in my head. I'm not sure I have the words," she responded.

"They don't have to be in a particular order, just talk." Jesus, I was desperate for her just to spit it out, to talk to me. I could deal with anything if I understood what was going on in her head. I wasn't sure I'd understood what anxious meant before I'd met her. I guess because she had the power to hurt me-the power to walk away. I couldn't, didn't want to control her, I wanted her to choose me.

"I just wish you were here is all."

"I wish I was there, too. Or that you were here. Or that we were somewhere together. Anywhere."

"Careful, you're turning into a romantic."

"Nu-uh. I just don't bulls.h.i.t and that's how it is."

"I know," she said.

"You know?"

"I do. I feel it. The same. I just . . ."

"What? You've been here before and you've been hurt before?"

"G.o.d no. No. Never. I've never been here before. Not like this. I think maybe that's it. It's because this is different." Her voice was quieter as she spoke. As if she almost didn't want to utter the words. "I'd never recover."

Her admission rea.s.sured me a little. It didn't seem to be lack of feeling that was creating the doubt-if what she was saying was the truth.

"You'll never have to."

"I thought you didn't make promises you can't keep."

"That's right."

"Ethan."

"I mean it. It's not going to happen. I won't let it." But she was right. I couldn't control it. She had her part to play as I did, and perhaps we'd need some good luck in there somewhere as well.

"You're going to have to be sure enough for the both of us sometimes." Her voice dipped a little, thickened with something.

"I can do that," I a.s.sured her.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing."

"But I wish I could have, you know."

f.u.c.k she was adorable-she still couldn't say that she wanted to make me come.

"Oh you will. And as you know, I don't make promises I don't keep."

She laughed again and I started to relax. But only slightly. I checked my watch. f.u.c.k, it was coming up to my conference call. I wanted to stay on the phone to her. All night. Especially now. I didn't want to have to hang up on her while the uncertainties were still so close to the surface. I wanted to soothe her for just a few minutes longer.

"It's late. I should sleep. And you have to work. Tomorrow will be better," she said.

Tomorrow would be better. I would make sure of it.

We hung up a few minutes past eight and I quickly dialed into the call while powering up my laptop. I'd planned to send her various gifts throughout our time apart. I wanted to make her smile, and make her realize how I was thinking of her all the time, even if I wasn't with her. When I'd bought her the scarves, I'd enjoyed real pleasure from thinking what she might like. I loved it when I got it right and her eyes lit up as she unwrapped the one I'd chosen to go with her hair, or that would look so beautiful against her skin or that would go with the new suit she bought. It was an extension of the s.e.x between us. I got pleasure from giving her pleasure. It was a revelation to me. I hadn't realized I could be happy because someone else was happy. I wondered if Andrew felt like this about Mandy, or if James felt this way about Jessica.

I'd tried to stay awake so I could speak to her before she was properly awake. I loved the sound of her drowsy, half-awake voice. I couldn't get enough of it.

At some point I must have fallen asleep because I woke to horns, my laptop and papers still spread across my bed. I was at least sleeping back in the master bedroom now. Feeling her around me, seeing her in my apartment was exactly what I wanted. It was tortuous, but it was necessary. When I left for London I did everything to avoid memories of her in my apartment. Now it was exactly the opposite.

I checked my phone. She'd be at work. I could get a head start on my day, maybe even hit the gym. I started to check my messages and found several texts from Anna. More than several. Almost a dozen. s.h.i.t, I hoped something wasn't wrong. I opened them. As the realization of what I was seeing hit me, a heat crossed my body and I was aware of the blood in my veins.

Pictures. Lots of pictures. Close up.

I scrolled through them-her lips, slightly parted, just as they were when she came. The juncture of her upper thigh, her magnificent t.i.ts pushed together, with a hint of her hand. The curve of her a.s.s. Her fingers, where I wanted mine.

Jesus, I was hard. I wanted her with me, but this was the next best thing. She was beautiful. That skin, what those fingers could do to me, what that a.s.s could do for me.

She answered on the first ring. I grinned. She'd been expecting my call.

"You're up early."

"And you're trying to kill me."

"That wasn't the intention. Just a little reminder of what you've got back in London-and of who is visiting you in three weeks."

I groaned and reached down to my rock hard c.o.c.k.

Anna I loved that sound he made as if he were half-crazed with l.u.s.t. I must have taken about a hundred pictures and sent him about ten. I wanted to try and make them so they weren't sleazy, that they just suggested something.

"Ethan," I whispered as I closed my office door.

"I want you on my c.o.c.k, right now."

"Ethan," I whispered again.

"I need you."

"You have me."

I could hear him, his breaths shortening. I imagined what he was doing and I felt my underwear dampen. The thought of him, naked, in his bed. G.o.d, I was going to have to take a cold shower.

"Stay on the phone."

"I'm here." For some reason, I liked the fact he wanted me on the phone. I hoped it would make up for last night a little. I didn't want to screw this up. I didn't want to screw us up.

"The picture of your lips. That's my favorite." He was panting now. I could hear a rhythm in his voice. "It's the shape they make when you come."

"When you make me come," I whispered.